dalawa

Tonight I plan on breaking up with my boyfriend of 3 years after many relapses. He just moved in with me 5 months ago, and I'm getting distracted by the details of the breakup (the logistics, inconveniences, etc), instead of focusing on ending things. I knew he was an alcoholic but believed in his efforts to get sober each time he relapsed. Just a month after moving in, he had a string of bad, bad drinking nights and things came to a head, but I chose to give him another chance. He was sober for nearly 4 months, going to meetings, eating healthy, working out again, etc. Last week, he slipped up and drove home completely trashed. The fear returned; I started worrying every time he was out by himself, wondering if he would come home drunk. I felt crazy and out of control. He didn't make an effort to reach out to his sponsor right away and had a hard time seeing why it was so important to me to know if he had a plan for getting on track. He insisted he was figuring out what to do on his own. Last night, I was happy to hear he was meeting with his sponsor after work, but a few hours later, got a text that he was drunk. I decided last night that it has to be over.

My head and my heart are in opposite camps. My brain reminds me that we are not married and don't have kids, so logically, it should be a clean break. But my heart aches. I love him and am so sad that it has to end. Like others have experienced I'm sure, the person he is when he's not drinking is wonderful; someone I wanted to share my life with. But accepting that he's only one person, and that includes the alcoholic side, has been so hard.

I don't think there is any magical advice to give or get here, but if anyone has anything to offer that would encourage me to stick to my guns even though my heart is breaking, I would really appreciate it.

Wavy

I'm in the process to making the same hard decision. I've not managed to go thru with it yet, so I can't really advise, I just wanted to show my support for you coming to that difficult decision and firmly knowing he's crossed a line for you.

I really identify with what you say about him only being one person. It really is a hard thing to come to terms with. What makes me resolved to leave is that crazy feeling you describe, however well ABF is doing that feeling will always be a risk. No one can promise me, especially not him, that I will never be in that position again. I don't want to ever feel that way again so its a risk I'm not willing to take.

Only you know the reasons you have decided once and for all its too much and he's crossed the line. Remember those reasons is all I can advise, they will always be there, if you don't go thru with it you will have to live with them. It's your choice. Good luck, I hope it goes as well as it can. (((hugs)))

LexieCat

I think you should go with your instinct and step away at this point. He may well recover, since it looks like he is making an effort, but it might be easier on both of you if you get some distance from the ups and downs of early (hopefully) recovery.

If he stays consistently sober, who knows, maybe at some point you can get back together. But right now he is struggling, and the relationship itself can make the recovery harder (and vice versa). It's a lot easier to do this after only living together for a few months than it would be later.

CeciliaV

On paper, yes, clean break. In reality, it's bound to be tough and painful. I wish I had that magical advice for you, but there is nothing logical about loving someone. And even though your heart aches to break away, it sounds like you have set a boundary of what you are willing to live with. My gut would say to stick to your boundary. Don't try to talk yourself out of it. Your heart is breaking as it is now while you're the relationship, and breaking away may give your heart some time to heal and for you to work on getting you to a saner, safer, healthier place. Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.

marie1960

I had to keep reminding myself that feelings/emotions are not facts.

Staying in my present reality/today really helped to calm the tug of war between my head and heart.

So many of us feel your pain. We understand.

No doubt about it, we have to take care of ourselves first.

Sending you strength.

LadySage

I'm two weeks separated from my STBXAH and feel your pain regarding the situation. My STBXAH also had stints of sober mixed with relapses. The last relapse culminated in the relationships demise. Enough was just enough and in that moment I felt I would rather sleep under a bridge than in our house.

I think what's helped me go through with it is telling myself just to take one foot and put it in front of the other, one step at a time. Be kind to yourself and make small steps towards putting yourself somewhere safe and healthy. Hopefully those small steps lead to a better place.