Luci

Hi everyone. I have just started to read the red book, and it seems to me that I have been asking questions and trying to figure out what to do along the same lines as what is presented in the book for a long, long time. Just for clarification, I am an AA and in my 5th month of sobriety, so being raw is the nature of existence right now for me.

Last week while doing my 4th step, I put down a babysitter that used to keep me in her garage with no light or heat. Yes there was car in it. It was no place for a 5 year old. I have always been aware that this happened, however it wasn't until Husband said, "You don't treat a kid like that," did all of my emotions about what happened start flooding back, excuse, tsunami back. It has been difficult, I range from crying to something close to placid. I have to work real hard to function for work.

I work as a caretaker and I have a really long shift that starts on Friday at 1p and goes to Sat 10p. I knew I wasn't really ok, but it wasn't until Friday morning before my shift that I realized that I have started to regress to an angry child when something is upsetting. I didn't know what to do, it wasn't really convenient for me to call in sick. I sleep usually from Sat 12a to 8a, and then get right to work. Well my client also has a live-in that I am the relief for on Fridays and while I was sleeping Sat morning, at about 7:30a I was awoken by her banging around in the kitchen. I knew I had a big day coming up on Saturday, and so I was really needing the extra half hour. But I didn't get it and a flew into a rage. I don't think it would have been a big deal if I wasn't in the middle of having all these emotions come up from being left in garage as child--but it happened I flew into a rage and made a big deal about it. I was very embarrassed of myself. I don't think what I was asking for was out of line, being left to sleep. However, how I behaved was out of line. Her coming home at 7:30 in the morning is not something that happens all the time, so I would have never known to expect it. It is her home and she should be able to do as she pleases, but I am not a guest or a couch surfer, I am there to do a job.

Well later that day, at about 9:45p, right when I am about to finish my shift, my boss starts to talk to me, and my co-worker is in her room. My coworker comes out and wanted to talk about it right then. I knew this was not a good idea because I didn't want to regress and behave badly again. I told her I wanted to wait until today because I wasn't well and couldn't do right. She was not having it, and kept pressing and I didn't know what to do and ended up in a panic attack.

Luckily my mom is a ACA and I called her. As I talked to her, it was so obvious to me that I regressed and didn't know how to get back to being an adult. I am pretty good at resolving situations, I have a lot of tools at my command--I used to work in Customer Service. But I couldn't access those tools. I really felt violated.

This morning I gently asked my inner child to let me be the adult and take care of adult situations. Her job is to be a kid. At this time I really need to do the next right thing for myself and my inner child.

I guess what I am wondering is, from your perspective, perhaps as someone more familiar with ACA recovery, where was I wrong, and what could I have done better. Help?

DavidG

Ok, you were vulnerable, you messed up, and you did your best to put it right.

Oh boy! You are certainly putting your best into your recovery!

Progress, not perfection. We all have the right to be wrong once in a while.

DavidG.

Kialua

Hi welcome.
I guess your explanation is a little hard to follow. But basically as ACoA we generally are people pleasers and can manipulate the heck out of them. Then when things don't go our way we skulk away and cry, not too many confrontations or breakdowns. I think we are people pleasers from having to watch out all the time and try to figure out how not to get caught in the crossfire of the chaos, even though we often were anyhow. But we never gave up trying to lie or please our way out of it.

As far as "recovery" goes, I think it involves a lot of emotional detachment and or separation. Making peace with our emotions.

Anyway that was my MO.

VickiACA

Luci,

The red book has a nice section on ACA's and work. Check it out.

This is pretty big work to be doing - especially so early into sobriety.

The part that really struck me was about not being able to access the tools. I think this is common and really a human thing. The slogan HALT comes to mind - but I think it's a pretty high standard to think we aren't going to react. I think sometimes the question is - how do we repair a situation after we've reacted.

What's the slogan - Easy does it.
Vicki

Luci

Thank you all for your responses. I get strangely embarrassed by posting such things and then have a hard time returning to the thread.

But to be honest this is the work I have been trying to do for years now. I just finally feel that I have hit on something that will help me find a way through to recovery, something I have been focused on since I left the parental units 20 years ago. I have been doing it on my own with some help from half-assed therapists. But now I have got a new way of looking at things, myself included and hope for a new way of being.

Thank you ACA.

BuzzL

I guess the only thing I can say is expect that the road won't be straight. What I mean is, you are going to stumble and mess up. Own it, learn from it then let it go. Nobody's perfect, even adult children from non-alcholic functional families.