03fifteen

Spring tends to be the hardest time I have emotionally.
It's when a lot of the emotional trauma happened. A lot of people dying. Depression. Trying to get out of my parents house. Getting rid of a manipulative friend. Leaving my parents because of their manipulative and codependent ways.

It's been a tough few days. But i'm glad I have an understanding roommate and boyfriend. They have been really supported. But I still find myself depressed a lot. And worrying about if I am still codependent. I have noticed recently that a lot of the things I'm working against I learned from my parents. Both my parents are very... "squishy". They have no backbone, are enablers. They can't say no. They never do anything anything for themselves. They've done it all my life so that is really all I learned. And combined with my depression they also kept me from really growing up and being an adult.
Really all I've done my whole life is be afraid of making people upset. All I want to do is please people even at the detriment to myself. I've been growing the past year or so, (the time I haven't been living with my parents).

I will write more later. Thanks for support...

03fifteen

(I was typing a new post but my phone ate it)

I'm glad I've found friends and people to support me since I've been away from my parents and family. I was strongly influenced by the religion I grew up with for many years. But now I see that I never really truly believed what my parents and family believed in. I've just kinda blindly believed in what my parents said all these years. And while I felt that I believed what i was learning I knew that it was mostly a fear of displeasing anyone which kept me from straying from the religion.
I know the basis of my religion in which I was raised was supposed to be a "healthy" fear of God. Now I see that I didn't have a healthy fear. It was more of a terrifying barrier in my life of displeasing anyone. Spiritual beings, humans, anyone. I was afraid of anything really. I was even afraid of the fire alarms in my school. I know what set me in this path was the fear of displeasing my parents. But I was too afraid to say anything at the time. I had eaten a cupcake that was for a kid's birthday in my class. In our religion we weren't supposed to celebrate birthdays. Knowing I had done something wrong ate at me constantly. I never said anything to my parents. I've always been afraid of going against someone all of my life. Not only going against someone but displeasing them. I knew that doing that one thing was displeasing not only to my parents but do God. I was only 6 at the time but It ate at me. I guess that was one thing that started to hurt me. Not only that, but I never really had a problem with pain. Even though I was sensitive emotionally and physically I used to hold in pain. Physical discipline such as spanking never worked. And I was embarrassed easily. But I learned at a young age not to show emotion and weakness. This has always been a problem for me. Not being able to express emotion properly. Also not being able to ask for help in anything. I felt that it was weak to ask for help. At school, at home, in my personal life. I didn't feel that it was "right" to ask for help even if i was struggling. I also could not say "no" to people asking for help. I learned this well from my parents who never did anything for themselves and always gave everything. I guess i'm done ranting for now.
I hope someone can comment even if its just something simple. I need some reassurance...

03fifteen.

Reedling

My thought is that if you can find an approach to the steps that doesn't aggravate your religious hurt, you might really love doing stepwork at this point. There's so much care and thought in these two posts, it seems like you are in a good place for it, and have a good amount of distance from your family. Taking this kind of action might help lift the depression and if it doesn't, that may clarify if depression issue needs some other kind of help as well.

I try not to settle for less than happy joyous and free, even if that means working through some less-happy stuff in the moment. There is a pleasure actually even in doing that work... things that used to hurt me and make no sense stop doing so. I keep coming back for that.

Kialua

I'm sorry your growing up experience with religion was so bad for you. Sounds like it was very hard juggling all that guilt at such an early age, combined with everything else going on. It's hard to get over it totally without becoming bitter and that doesn't help your recovery at all so it's a catch 22 for you right now. I have nieces that had the same (sounding) religion you had, and it has taken them a lifetime to get over, with a path of resentment and bitternes that hasn't served them well.

I guess I would invite you to take the good and throw out the bad. But don't throw the baby out with the dirty bath water. Try to relax and don't burden yourself trying to figure it all out at once. When the burdens become too hard it's usually not God.

One of my favorite verses is "Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

Kialua

This is common for adult children of alcoholics, not showing emotions. Learned to stuff that at a young age. Even now it is hard to say no, but I have learned after many years. I don't always get it right but I do far less saying yes now. Still hard to ask for what I need to other than my husband. I am a pretty private person despite what it looks like on this forum, ha ha. But it is so much easier to share with like-minded people here than people that haven't lived my life.

kudzujean

"And I was embarrassed easily. But I learned at a young age not to show emotion and weakness. This has always been a problem for me. Not being able to express emotion properly. Also not being able to ask for help in anything. I felt that it was weak to ask for help. At school, at home, in my personal life. I didn't feel that it was "right" to ask for help even if i was struggling. I also could not say "no" to people asking for help. I learned this well from my parents who never did anything for themselves and always gave everything."

Same here...I learned in my family of origin not to bother anyone with my needs (i.e., not to ask for help), not to show emotions, not to say no...It took me a lot of therapy and work to get out of that.

Welcome to SR.