I need help everyone
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
I need help everyone
I feel like I am on the edge of doing something wrong.
My separated AH has me on a constant cycle of up and down. He is blocked right now but in the past has sent me texts and emails wanting more and some reason tonight I am obsessing! I got them all compiled into an email and am ready to send it to his girlfriend that he cheated on me with.
I want her to know hes still damaged. I want her to know she doesnt have Mr. Prince Charming. I am so angry he gets to just walk away and move on and leave me here, our life and I am so angry.
I am sitting here with Stage 4 cancer and he is out and about living the happy life.
I am going crazy tonight everyone and i need someone to talk me down. Please help me come down.
My separated AH has me on a constant cycle of up and down. He is blocked right now but in the past has sent me texts and emails wanting more and some reason tonight I am obsessing! I got them all compiled into an email and am ready to send it to his girlfriend that he cheated on me with.
I want her to know hes still damaged. I want her to know she doesnt have Mr. Prince Charming. I am so angry he gets to just walk away and move on and leave me here, our life and I am so angry.
I am sitting here with Stage 4 cancer and he is out and about living the happy life.
I am going crazy tonight everyone and i need someone to talk me down. Please help me come down.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Good morning, Iamthird, I'm so sorry. I hope by now that you have not sent that e-mail. I think ultimately, it would just make you feel worse for having sent it! It's not your job to 'warn' her.
I honestly don't think he's out living a happy life. If he allegedly has some girlfriend with whom he is sooooo happy, why does he feel the need to contact you? He, in my humble opinion, is not someone who can add anything beneficial to your world right now. Or anyone's world for that matter.
That's why no contact is so helpful for us. We don't get triggered into these up and down mood swings--we can just work on ourselves and better our lives without hearing the 'play-by-play' of the active alcoholic's mind--a dark and miserable place, indeed.
I hope you have been able to get some sleep tonight!! Sending lots of prayers and good thoughts your way!!
I honestly don't think he's out living a happy life. If he allegedly has some girlfriend with whom he is sooooo happy, why does he feel the need to contact you? He, in my humble opinion, is not someone who can add anything beneficial to your world right now. Or anyone's world for that matter.
That's why no contact is so helpful for us. We don't get triggered into these up and down mood swings--we can just work on ourselves and better our lives without hearing the 'play-by-play' of the active alcoholic's mind--a dark and miserable place, indeed.
I hope you have been able to get some sleep tonight!! Sending lots of prayers and good thoughts your way!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 5
Hi iamthird -
I'm sorry you you are going through such a hard time, and I can completely relate as I am going through something similar - but please don't send that email.
I kicked my EXABF of 3 three years out about a year and a half ago. This after many, many, drunken, abusive situations, culminating in his scaling my building fire escape and smashing my window to get into my apartment at 3am during hurricane Irene. I had him arrested, but let the charges drop, as he had gotten into a sober house. I didn't want to send him to jail, I just wanted him sober and out of my life. He subsequently moved to Texas to live with his mother (although not before again breaking into my apartment drunk the night before he flew out. His brother convinced me to take him to a motel instead of having him arrested).
We are still randomly in touch - he can still be the funny, smart guy I fell in love with, but he's far enough away that I'm not part of the ever-present drama. And it only takes an "End Call" to stop the idiocy, not a restraining order.
He called last week to tell me that he has a new girlfriend in Dallas, and she's a big Red Sox fan, and would I mind if they came to Boston, because he's constantly telling her about my favorite restaurant and he really wants her to experience it. The restaurant is indeed my favorite, has been for 10 years, long before I met him, and long after he left. As if that wasn't enough of a trigger, it turns out the new girlfriend is a Victim's Advocate lawyer for a Domestic Violence agency.
I was open-jawed. This is the man I picked up from county jail after his 60 day sentence for beating up his last girlfriend. I know, I know, despite having seen the pictures of her face, he convinced me it was her fault. Expensive three year lesson learned.
According to him, he told his new girlfriend all about the jail sentence, and she totally understands. But apparently she doesn't know about about the breaking and entering. Or the time my 82 year old mother had to call the police because he wouldn't leave her back porch after she kicked him out of her house for biting me and pulling out a chunk of my hair while blacked out. Or the time my work building security had to call the police because he passed out cold in one of our conference rooms and was too aggressive for them to remove (all my co-workers got an email saying he was persona-non-grata, and to alert security if spotted, as he was legally forbidden from ever being on premises again. Not at all awkward for me.)
I couldn't understand why, if the new girlfriend has access to legal databases, she couldn't have looked it up for herself. So I ran a CORI on him, and it came up clean - not even the jail time showed. I have no idea how that works, but I was floored. But the last thing I'm going to do is send her the police reports.
Four years ago his girlfriend before me texted and emailed to tell me that he was in jail for beating her up and I shouldn't contact him (he had spent the summer prior ping-ponging between the two of us, until he finally moved back in with her). He had no problem (from jail!) convincing me she was nuts after her email, because that email made her sound nuts. Among other things, she told me he was a cruel liar as he was claiming I was 18 years older than her, and he only said it to destroy her self esteem, as who would pick an old lady like that over her. Of course, I am 18 years older than her (9 older than him), so that didn't exactly endear her to me.
I know things can't be superduper sugarpie honeybunch between them, because I know him. He still can't keep a job, he still calls me when he's drunk, still tries to lie and manipulate me, and I don't think anyone here would bet against me if I offered $100 to say that a guy who is still drinking, who used to regularly pee the bed and hide bottles, is still peeing the bed and hiding bottles.
But there's still a part of me that thinks "What if he changed for her? What if she's getting everything that I wanted?" But I know he's not different, and she'll realize that soon enough. There's no need for me to tell her - it only makes me look like I want him back, which I most assuredly do not.
Sorry to highjack your thread, but I hope my story helps. Writing all this out helped me remember why things are not going to be better for them than they were for us, and hopefully compiling those emails will do the same for you. It will do no good for either of us to insert ourselves into a new drama, because it will most likely backfire. After three years of being gaslighted into thinking I was crazy, it does me no favors to do anything that proves I am.
I'm sorry you you are going through such a hard time, and I can completely relate as I am going through something similar - but please don't send that email.
I kicked my EXABF of 3 three years out about a year and a half ago. This after many, many, drunken, abusive situations, culminating in his scaling my building fire escape and smashing my window to get into my apartment at 3am during hurricane Irene. I had him arrested, but let the charges drop, as he had gotten into a sober house. I didn't want to send him to jail, I just wanted him sober and out of my life. He subsequently moved to Texas to live with his mother (although not before again breaking into my apartment drunk the night before he flew out. His brother convinced me to take him to a motel instead of having him arrested).
We are still randomly in touch - he can still be the funny, smart guy I fell in love with, but he's far enough away that I'm not part of the ever-present drama. And it only takes an "End Call" to stop the idiocy, not a restraining order.
He called last week to tell me that he has a new girlfriend in Dallas, and she's a big Red Sox fan, and would I mind if they came to Boston, because he's constantly telling her about my favorite restaurant and he really wants her to experience it. The restaurant is indeed my favorite, has been for 10 years, long before I met him, and long after he left. As if that wasn't enough of a trigger, it turns out the new girlfriend is a Victim's Advocate lawyer for a Domestic Violence agency.
I was open-jawed. This is the man I picked up from county jail after his 60 day sentence for beating up his last girlfriend. I know, I know, despite having seen the pictures of her face, he convinced me it was her fault. Expensive three year lesson learned.
According to him, he told his new girlfriend all about the jail sentence, and she totally understands. But apparently she doesn't know about about the breaking and entering. Or the time my 82 year old mother had to call the police because he wouldn't leave her back porch after she kicked him out of her house for biting me and pulling out a chunk of my hair while blacked out. Or the time my work building security had to call the police because he passed out cold in one of our conference rooms and was too aggressive for them to remove (all my co-workers got an email saying he was persona-non-grata, and to alert security if spotted, as he was legally forbidden from ever being on premises again. Not at all awkward for me.)
I couldn't understand why, if the new girlfriend has access to legal databases, she couldn't have looked it up for herself. So I ran a CORI on him, and it came up clean - not even the jail time showed. I have no idea how that works, but I was floored. But the last thing I'm going to do is send her the police reports.
Four years ago his girlfriend before me texted and emailed to tell me that he was in jail for beating her up and I shouldn't contact him (he had spent the summer prior ping-ponging between the two of us, until he finally moved back in with her). He had no problem (from jail!) convincing me she was nuts after her email, because that email made her sound nuts. Among other things, she told me he was a cruel liar as he was claiming I was 18 years older than her, and he only said it to destroy her self esteem, as who would pick an old lady like that over her. Of course, I am 18 years older than her (9 older than him), so that didn't exactly endear her to me.
I know things can't be superduper sugarpie honeybunch between them, because I know him. He still can't keep a job, he still calls me when he's drunk, still tries to lie and manipulate me, and I don't think anyone here would bet against me if I offered $100 to say that a guy who is still drinking, who used to regularly pee the bed and hide bottles, is still peeing the bed and hiding bottles.
But there's still a part of me that thinks "What if he changed for her? What if she's getting everything that I wanted?" But I know he's not different, and she'll realize that soon enough. There's no need for me to tell her - it only makes me look like I want him back, which I most assuredly do not.
Sorry to highjack your thread, but I hope my story helps. Writing all this out helped me remember why things are not going to be better for them than they were for us, and hopefully compiling those emails will do the same for you. It will do no good for either of us to insert ourselves into a new drama, because it will most likely backfire. After three years of being gaslighted into thinking I was crazy, it does me no favors to do anything that proves I am.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Third,
I once sent an email to someone my ex was seeing (to "warn" her that he was a liar), and it make me feel horrible and creepy afterwards. I still cringe when I think about it (I was drinking at the time), and it was something like eight years ago.
Absolutely NOTHING good comes from it. The minute I sobered up I could see how wrong it was. It was petty and vindictive. It was none of my business.
And even when you have the best of motives (such as when someone is known to be violent), it is almost never helpful because people will dismiss it as vindictiveness even if it is not intended that way.
I hope you didn't send it, but I understand the temptation. If it is still on your computer, I suggest you delete it.
I once sent an email to someone my ex was seeing (to "warn" her that he was a liar), and it make me feel horrible and creepy afterwards. I still cringe when I think about it (I was drinking at the time), and it was something like eight years ago.
Absolutely NOTHING good comes from it. The minute I sobered up I could see how wrong it was. It was petty and vindictive. It was none of my business.
And even when you have the best of motives (such as when someone is known to be violent), it is almost never helpful because people will dismiss it as vindictiveness even if it is not intended that way.
I hope you didn't send it, but I understand the temptation. If it is still on your computer, I suggest you delete it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I sure wish I had been up at 1:30 when you wrote this - hopefully you did not send the emails.
Perception really gets us in trouble as is often inaccurate. I think it very common in a break up to feel that the other person is doing so much better than we are. Are they really? Or is it just that they have the ability to move on and we don't?
You were with this man for a long time - do you think he has changed so much? Do you think he is walking around with a rainbow over his head and life is grand? He is an alcoholic and he is (from what I can tell from your posts) not remotely interested in doing anything about it. You are allowing yourself to be a victim of him- what if he was there? Would he be helping you and supporting you through your illness? NO. He has proven that already when you had your recent surgery. Oftentimes the Karma of the world, or our higher power, or God as I call him takes care of us in ways that we don't understand and may not be the way we wish it should be but its for the best - your AH is TRIFLING, he is a problem.
As for the GF - aka Mistress guess what happens to unlucky mistresses? They end up with the Bastards they cheated with. If they do it with you THEY WILL DO IT TO YOU. She will find out soon enough, if she hasn't gotten an inkling already, of what a prize she has won.
The best "revenge" in life is to be better without them than you were with them.
((((HUGS)))) to you it will get better!
Perception really gets us in trouble as is often inaccurate. I think it very common in a break up to feel that the other person is doing so much better than we are. Are they really? Or is it just that they have the ability to move on and we don't?
You were with this man for a long time - do you think he has changed so much? Do you think he is walking around with a rainbow over his head and life is grand? He is an alcoholic and he is (from what I can tell from your posts) not remotely interested in doing anything about it. You are allowing yourself to be a victim of him- what if he was there? Would he be helping you and supporting you through your illness? NO. He has proven that already when you had your recent surgery. Oftentimes the Karma of the world, or our higher power, or God as I call him takes care of us in ways that we don't understand and may not be the way we wish it should be but its for the best - your AH is TRIFLING, he is a problem.
As for the GF - aka Mistress guess what happens to unlucky mistresses? They end up with the Bastards they cheated with. If they do it with you THEY WILL DO IT TO YOU. She will find out soon enough, if she hasn't gotten an inkling already, of what a prize she has won.
The best "revenge" in life is to be better without them than you were with them.
((((HUGS)))) to you it will get better!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Good Morning All.
I just wanted to let everyone know I didnt send it. I actually went so far as to delete all the emails and texts and block her email so I would not be tempted. I am not going to pretend I had such an epiphany which prevented me from sending it. I just believe God intervened when I was in a very dark place last night.
I just wanted to let everyone know I didnt send it. I actually went so far as to delete all the emails and texts and block her email so I would not be tempted. I am not going to pretend I had such an epiphany which prevented me from sending it. I just believe God intervened when I was in a very dark place last night.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Great idea! And I'm glad you had that "intervention." One thing I used to do, if I was feeling like writing an email that I might later regret, is to compose it with NO address. That way, I wouldn't inadvertently or just out of habit hit "send". Then I would leave it in my draft folder and wait a day or two. I can think of only one or two I ever eventually thought it was smart to send.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I am so very sorry.
Wanting to share with the new girlfriend that her prince charming is really a troll in disguise isn't going to change a thing. Even if she left him, he'd still be a troll. Do you really want him back? Or do you just want to punish him? You have to know nothing has really changed for him. He's still the same uncaring, selfish jerk. You deserve so much better.
Sending you positive healing thoughts.
Wanting to share with the new girlfriend that her prince charming is really a troll in disguise isn't going to change a thing. Even if she left him, he'd still be a troll. Do you really want him back? Or do you just want to punish him? You have to know nothing has really changed for him. He's still the same uncaring, selfish jerk. You deserve so much better.
Sending you positive healing thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Hey, iamthird, after such a bad night, today should be yours! Find the light in life, just for today, something special. I just bought myself a "Sunrise cactus" and its flowers open in the morning with the first light, and close in the dusk.
Maybe you can find something like that - something to celebrate that you are free of the man who made you feel so bad last night.
We're here with you, praying for you,
ShootingStar1
Maybe you can find something like that - something to celebrate that you are free of the man who made you feel so bad last night.
We're here with you, praying for you,
ShootingStar1
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