AB Cheats & Drinks And Blames ME?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 57
AB Cheats & Drinks And Blames ME?
Found out my AB not only drinking, but decided to take up cheating as well, since I have pulled away from him( his words) these past few months on his downward spiral of months of drinking.
Blames me, my fault, he drinks because I don't love him, and show him affection, he cheated because of this too. It meant nothing though.. He thought I would forgive him and we can rebuild. Will not admit to a drinking problem still.
Funny thing when I found out by accident I don't care.. Actually think he may be lying about it and that he just went to a hotel after he had a binge night here and had to get up for work and didn't want me too know, he drinks here every night never stays out. I can picture him leaving here still drunk and hitting a hotel as to not be bothered to sleep it off. Or could be true.
Don't know or care.
Months ago I would have been crushed, now I am relieved.
Told him I would stick around for 6 months help with the rent, but separate rooms and stay outa my way.
My prayers have been answered.
That is if he stays out of my business.
Not sure if that can happen?
Thanks you all for all your valuable input and advice, it was a godsend I found this place.
Blames me, my fault, he drinks because I don't love him, and show him affection, he cheated because of this too. It meant nothing though.. He thought I would forgive him and we can rebuild. Will not admit to a drinking problem still.
Funny thing when I found out by accident I don't care.. Actually think he may be lying about it and that he just went to a hotel after he had a binge night here and had to get up for work and didn't want me too know, he drinks here every night never stays out. I can picture him leaving here still drunk and hitting a hotel as to not be bothered to sleep it off. Or could be true.
Don't know or care.
Months ago I would have been crushed, now I am relieved.
Told him I would stick around for 6 months help with the rent, but separate rooms and stay outa my way.
My prayers have been answered.
That is if he stays out of my business.
Not sure if that can happen?
Thanks you all for all your valuable input and advice, it was a godsend I found this place.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hey, sometimes things work out. Of course, you would have had the right to leave under any circumstances, but sometimes it is easier to do when the other person gives you a convenient excuse.
Hope things are more peaceful for you as you plan your exit.
Hope things are more peaceful for you as you plan your exit.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Ugh, so he cheats & drinks and blames it on you? Talk about deflection & not taking responsibility for his own actions! No one can MAKE anyone else do anything. We can all use the actions of others as excuses for our own, addict or not. For a long time I did/didn't do things because of what my husband would/wouldn't do. "Oh, if I go out, then he will drink!" Guess what?! When I DIDN'T go anywhere, he still found a way to drink. And then I was just stuck in the house with this thing that was not my husband. I drove myself nuts with it. I had oodles of excuses. So did he. Only when we both started taking ownership of our own actions did things change. He went to rehab, I started my own path to recovery.
I have to say, it's very kind of you to stick around for a couple months to help with the bills. You don't have to do this - given that he's an active alcoholic and a cheater, you have no obligation to do so...you have more than ample reason to leave at your discretion. If you're okay with staying around and still living with this person for a while to help out financially, I won't tell you that you shouldn't - that's your choice. But I do recommend having a "get out" plan and getting your duckies in a row in case you feel the need to exit a bit earlier.
I have to say, it's very kind of you to stick around for a couple months to help with the bills. You don't have to do this - given that he's an active alcoholic and a cheater, you have no obligation to do so...you have more than ample reason to leave at your discretion. If you're okay with staying around and still living with this person for a while to help out financially, I won't tell you that you shouldn't - that's your choice. But I do recommend having a "get out" plan and getting your duckies in a row in case you feel the need to exit a bit earlier.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
My STBXAW did the same thing. She was cheating on me, first it was "i was blacked out & I don't know what I was doing", then it was "it never happened" then it was "your the one that was cheating, not me!" then she told all our friends I had a girlfriend. Guess it made her feel better. I had to recognize it for how ridiculous it was and give it all the weight it deserved, which was none. I just let it float away. It really made me realize how much more it is than just a chemical addiction, there can be a real psychosis to this disease.
Hard to believe someone would pull away when the partner is cheating! Seems like you'd want to get even closer & love him all the more! He earned it right? Of course you should forgive him & forget it ever happened, that's what we're supposed to do!
I remember that feeling of not caring what she was doing, I think mostly because I knew it would be followed by a load of cr@p. Not a happy feeling, but it was hard to care after a while.
Hard to believe someone would pull away when the partner is cheating! Seems like you'd want to get even closer & love him all the more! He earned it right? Of course you should forgive him & forget it ever happened, that's what we're supposed to do!
I remember that feeling of not caring what she was doing, I think mostly because I knew it would be followed by a load of cr@p. Not a happy feeling, but it was hard to care after a while.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
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Italiagirl-
I am sorry you are in the middle of both.
It was my husband's affair that finally got me out of the situation. I could have boundaries around it that I could not have around alcohol for some reason.
That did not make it easy.
The initial phase of finding out about the affair allowed me to take some space, but don't be surprised if some emotions well up down the road....that is normal.
I am sorry you are in the middle of both.
It was my husband's affair that finally got me out of the situation. I could have boundaries around it that I could not have around alcohol for some reason.
That did not make it easy.
The initial phase of finding out about the affair allowed me to take some space, but don't be surprised if some emotions well up down the road....that is normal.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Incidentally, when I divorced my first husband, he asked me to delay leaving, mainly because of the childcare situation (the kids would be staying with him, but he had an odd work schedule at that time). Note that he was recovered from his alcoholism, there was no cheating or other bad conduct that led to the divorce--I just did not want to be married to him. There was a lot of hurt and pain he was in, because I was the one who wanted out.
Under those circumstances, I agreed to stay several months longer, but I told him that if he could not deal with his anger and took it out on me I would be out of there. He dealt with his emotions in a very mature way--he got some counseling, and leaned on his AA Fellowship to cope. We had a few tense moments, but overall we coexisted peacefully until we were ready for me to move out.
As the others here have pointed out, you have NO obligation to stay and "help" him, but if you do I suggest you put that boundary in place, that if you are too uncomfortable with your living situation you leave.
Under those circumstances, I agreed to stay several months longer, but I told him that if he could not deal with his anger and took it out on me I would be out of there. He dealt with his emotions in a very mature way--he got some counseling, and leaned on his AA Fellowship to cope. We had a few tense moments, but overall we coexisted peacefully until we were ready for me to move out.
As the others here have pointed out, you have NO obligation to stay and "help" him, but if you do I suggest you put that boundary in place, that if you are too uncomfortable with your living situation you leave.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 57
Your so right Lexicat..
he came over and hugged me said how sorry he was.. Sure... Too late
he thinks I should forgive him,I dont have to or want to or care.
I am angry that he could have put my health in danger with his infidelity.
I did lash out today over that concern, he then yelled at me its my fault,
Of course.. Proceeded to call me names.
I then told him guess what Ive just reduced my rent by 200$ for your name calling of me. And it stops now . Or you get stuck with it all.
Told him boundaries...
But can they live with in those?
he came over and hugged me said how sorry he was.. Sure... Too late
he thinks I should forgive him,I dont have to or want to or care.
I am angry that he could have put my health in danger with his infidelity.
I did lash out today over that concern, he then yelled at me its my fault,
Of course.. Proceeded to call me names.
I then told him guess what Ive just reduced my rent by 200$ for your name calling of me. And it stops now . Or you get stuck with it all.
Told him boundaries...
But can they live with in those?
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I don't understand why you're staying. You told him to leave you alone, then he hugs and says sorry. He is an A and a cheat, he is not going to respect your boundaries. He is blaming you for his behavior. And it feels a little codie to me to stay and "help him" with the rent (just my opinion). Let him figure out how to pay the rent. You focus on you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 57
My name is on the lease for 6 months, I would have to pay it anyway.
Also I run my business outa here, would take me $$$ to get set up elsewhere.
I'm also in school part time.
I'm fine with roommate status.
But Im sure he will act up and all H*** might break loose.
Hes very cheap though and worried about his reputation.
So that will keep him in line I think.
maybe not
Also I run my business outa here, would take me $$$ to get set up elsewhere.
I'm also in school part time.
I'm fine with roommate status.
But Im sure he will act up and all H*** might break loose.
Hes very cheap though and worried about his reputation.
So that will keep him in line I think.
maybe not
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Would you be able to transfer the lease into his name? I know you said that you run your business from home, but this just doesn't sound like a healthy or safe or peaceful living arrangement for you. If you can't move/get the lease transferred into his name, and if you don't think he would just leave if you asked him to (did you or would you consider this?), you can look into landlord/tenant rights in your area (which vary by state, county, city). If you're on the lease but he's not, essentially you are HIS landlord and he is YOUR tenant. You may be entitled to serve him a notice to terminate tenancy. I'm assuming you didn't make him sign a lease with you, so it would likely be considered a month-to-month lease between you and him. (You can find more info here & here about NC laws on landlord/tenant rights.) NOTE: I did help my parents researching evicting a tenant and did a crap-ton of research on the process, but I am NOT an attorney and I'm not sure if there are different regulations on your specific area of NC, so I encourage you to do some research. I'm not sure if this would work, nor if you think you would be able to safely live there during the process or if you have someplace else you could stay as a safe haven while it plays out, but just a thought.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
EXRAG also cheated on me, and it was because "My actions were pushing her toward him." I don't cause her to drink, but when she gets drunk she finds it "Easy to blame me because I don't love her enough or make her feel good about herself." She also said that "for the nine months that she was sober, she gave me all her love and tried so hard to make us work." What she forgets is that 4 months into sobriety, she was already carrying on conversations on a daily basis, while hiding it from me, with her high school boy friend that she ultimately had the affair with.
It is all about denial and deflection, all to avoid any personal responsibility for poor choices.
It is all about denial and deflection, all to avoid any personal responsibility for poor choices.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
And it;s also all about neediness and getting their needs met anyway they can be it through alcohol or other people no matter who they hurt in the process.
Originally Posted by Crazed 
EXRAG also cheated on me, and it was because "My actions were pushing her toward him." I don't cause her to drink, but when she gets drunk she finds it "Easy to blame me because I don't love her enough or make her feel good about herself." She also said that "for the nine months that she was sober, she gave me all her love and tried so hard to make us work." What she forgets is that 4 months into sobriety, she was already carrying on conversations on a daily basis, while hiding it from me, with her high school boy friend that she ultimately had the affair with.
It is all about denial and deflection, all to avoid any personal responsibility for poor choices.
It is all about denial and deflection, all to avoid any personal responsibility for poor choices.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 57
Im not making it easy for him
Ive suffered enough,
Hes got it made now
I haven't hassled him about his drinking for a month a while.
His name is on the lease too.
I told him he should have said something if he was so UNHAPPY with me he had to cheat,but he didnt wanna mess up part of me paying part of the rent..He admits
LOL what a loser..
Now I have reduced my rent for his poor choices.
He knows I will also inform his family who know nothing about his drinking.
So that hopefully will keep him in check
He would be mortified if they knew.
If he upsets the apple cart my son who knows is 15 mins away and 6"4 College football player and will be here in a flash
I can do this,I love the condo, not him.
Till I can get my affairs in order so to speak.
Just keeping my talking to him minimal.
He said a good christian would forgive and work it out.
Biggest thing I don't love him enough to work it out.
If I dont engage he wont.
One day at a time.
But I am through with him.
Ive suffered enough,
Hes got it made now
I haven't hassled him about his drinking for a month a while.
His name is on the lease too.
I told him he should have said something if he was so UNHAPPY with me he had to cheat,but he didnt wanna mess up part of me paying part of the rent..He admits
LOL what a loser..
Now I have reduced my rent for his poor choices.
He knows I will also inform his family who know nothing about his drinking.
So that hopefully will keep him in check
He would be mortified if they knew.
If he upsets the apple cart my son who knows is 15 mins away and 6"4 College football player and will be here in a flash
I can do this,I love the condo, not him.
Till I can get my affairs in order so to speak.
Just keeping my talking to him minimal.
He said a good christian would forgive and work it out.
Biggest thing I don't love him enough to work it out.
If I dont engage he wont.
One day at a time.
But I am through with him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 148
It was a 'game changer'
My ex did the same thing. His exact words? "I didn't want to cheat on you...your actions made me do it."
That text is about two years old and I have always kept it...to remind myself WHY I do not contact him anymore.
He later told me, with tears streaming down his cheeks, "I...I just wanted to feel WANTED..."
And that was the game changer.
I stopped being angry about it. I stopped looking at him like he was a monster.
Granted, then and for years later...he continued to do HORRIBLE things...
...but in that moment, I saw a very damaged, very broken human being...
...I saw someone deep in addiction who is suffering from emotional mental illness...
...I saw someone who had voids so deep in his heart and soul that he would grab at just about anything (alcohol) and ANYONE (a fling) to fill them...
And ironically, those RIDICULOUS words blaming ME...pushed me into a different level of understanding about this disease.
That text is about two years old and I have always kept it...to remind myself WHY I do not contact him anymore.
He later told me, with tears streaming down his cheeks, "I...I just wanted to feel WANTED..."
And that was the game changer.
I stopped being angry about it. I stopped looking at him like he was a monster.
Granted, then and for years later...he continued to do HORRIBLE things...
...but in that moment, I saw a very damaged, very broken human being...
...I saw someone deep in addiction who is suffering from emotional mental illness...
...I saw someone who had voids so deep in his heart and soul that he would grab at just about anything (alcohol) and ANYONE (a fling) to fill them...
And ironically, those RIDICULOUS words blaming ME...pushed me into a different level of understanding about this disease.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 57
Red Candle...So full of Wisdom your post was.
I just walked into the house and the smell of Alcohol is nauseating
I just asked him Is life so bad for you that your drinking is outa control?
He said Its so bad here because I don't love him that is his entertainment.
Closest admission to a problem...
Wait I take it back he told me I drove him to drinking? WT heck really
I just walked into the house and the smell of Alcohol is nauseating
I just asked him Is life so bad for you that your drinking is outa control?
He said Its so bad here because I don't love him that is his entertainment.
Closest admission to a problem...
Wait I take it back he told me I drove him to drinking? WT heck really
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear italiangrl, I 'm glad to see that you finally have a plan in place that you feel you can live with. You seem to have more clarity, these days. You seem to be doing what YOU think is in YOUR best interest. GOOD!!!
sincerely, dandylion
sincerely, dandylion
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