ShootingStar1

Now I wonder if he is a gambler as well as an alcoholic. As we pry the financials loose, he's lost quite a bit of money.

Many of you know that I left my AH last July 4th after his abusive alcoholism exploded into porn addiction too. I filed for divorce immediately, and have been trying for almost 8 months to get a divorce settlement process started.

However, my STBXAH has refused to comply with any of the Court requirements to submit financial documentation. Because of that and the inability to negotiate a settlement when you don’t have the basic data, I had to file fault Interrogatories, which are the questions he has to answer under oath about my fault grounds, and again, he did not answer, just a bunch of nonsense.

My lawyer is fabulous – very calm, smart, to the point – and today he filed a 3 part motion that will hopefully compel my husband to submit the data or be in contempt of court, and get chastised by the Judge at our hearing in March.

So now I think there may be a new wrinkle. My AH, a brilliant man, mathematician, scientist, has been playing the stock market, shorting it, which, in his case, means betting that it will fall. Which is has not done. Meaning that he has lost money from our joint assets. I thought it was just a small amount of money. Part of his control of me over the past years has been keeping the finances close to his vest, and I thought he was doing a good job. And I fell into major depression and lost most of my capacity to do much of anything.

Well, I saw a financial adviser, and it turns out that my AH invested funds for my retirement which I thought were in conservative investments, in very aggressive positions betting that the market would tank and doubling the gain if it did tank and doubling the loss if it did not tank. So there isn’t the money I thought there was. No pension either.

I’m at the point emotionally where it will be what it will be. At some point I’ll find out what the numbers are, and even though I’m 62, I’ll do what I have to do to live the way I want to. I am recovering, I am better than I have been for 20 years. I am contented on my own, making new friends, very close to my grown kids now that he’s not antagonizing them. I feel resourceful enough to make my way. I've done it before. Just have to do it again. Wish I were 10 years younger, but it is what it is.

But I am now thinking that maybe I can add gambling to his addiction list. That is a whole new awful thought.

The responses that he did send for the fault question interrogatories were filled with lies and my psychiatrist characterized them as lunacy. I know my AH did some of that as posturing for the Court, even if it is going to backfire on him. In answering the questions, he invalidated the very things that he said I'd done in HIS fault grounds. I didn't do them anyway, but now he's perjured himself under oath.

I know he feels above the law, but I can't fathom that he doesn't understand that the Court will sanction him for lying under oath to try and defraud me.

Is he just totally unraveling mentally? He's so brilliant, but this is all so irrational.

I just don’t understand who he is, or where he is coming from. I know, at some point, that will not be my business, but until I get this divorce and get my finances separated, we are still tied at the hip.

And my lawyer is pushing him very very hard now. I am beginning to wonder what he will do when his grandiosity is revealed and his self-esteem is shattered. He carries a lot of rage, and when he went to the ER in June with a blood alcohol level of .329, he came out of being unconscious in a rage that, despite his age in the late 60’s, it took 8 hospital staff including the security guards to restrain him.

These are all new thoughts to me today, and I haven’t figured out what to think. Maybe I should have lawyer make sure the Court security guards do a full check for weapons before the Court hearing. Maybe that is just me being paranoid. I did have my new address sealed by the Court in the fall, and I am living over an hour away.

Who is this man I thought I loved?

Is this just late night jitters, am I off the beam?

ShootingStar1

Received

Night time is never a good time for me to think things over as I am tired and plain worn out.

I don't think you are off the beam, not at all. You do however "sound" weary and worn out.

I would try and get some rest and see how you feel in the morning.

PippiLngstockng

Hi . And (((hugs)))! I have definitely been in a comparable state of worry about my AH and my future!

Deep breathe, one day at a time, trust in your HP. It's going to be okay!

My STBXAH is also brilliant and controled the finances. Or said he did, but they are a bit of a mess. And he's also got a little potential psychosis that worries me deeply at times. After a long marriage even when you detach, you can't help but feel connected. And when my AH seemed psychotic, that put me right over the edge with him.

I am so sorry for the financial worries. That's a new blow that you weren't expecting. Thank heavens you have a good lawyer!

I think a few action items are warranted given the new information, but first do something for yourself to readjust your mindset. For me, that would be a good workout and seeing a friend. Then I would put together a list of what needs to be done regarding your concerns. Then another workout!

Writing on my phone since my computer died last fall, so less coherent than I'd like, but wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. Keep posting!

dandylion

Dear shootingstar, you aren't off the beam at all. This man has been outrageous for a very long time. Remember alcoholism 101---alcohol alters the mind and judgment as well as eroding the character and morality. This is not the man that you knew in the beginning. That man is no longer present.

I have learned that thinking about serious matters late into the night causes me to catastrophize. Something about daybreak causes me to settle out again.

So many of us have suffered financial setbacks--disasters, even that we thought would never happen. Then we discover that what we once thought was the "worst" that could happen does not destroy us like we imagined it would.

Shootingstar, you are doing so well in such a short time--under horrible--really horrible circumstances. You have retained the most valuable treasures--your sanity, your family and friends...and your faith in yourself and life.

You are going to be o.k. Try not to think of the worst things under the light of the m oon!

sincerely, dandylion

Seren

I don't think any of us can tell you whether or not he is unraveling, but he does seem to feel he is above any civil authority. I'm sorry for him. But I am relieved for you. This is making your attorney's job so much easier as you move forward. Yes, there are hurdles to cross legally, but they just seem to be crossing the t's and dotting the i's sort of things now.

Hopefully, the financial statements (once in hand) will not be quite as bad as you currently believe!

Sending you hugs and prayers as you move forward!

LexieCat

Just to put things in a bit more perspective, lots of people are very foolish when it comes to investing. I don't think it necessarily means there is a gambling addiction. It may just be another example of an unmanageable life and poor judgment.

Lying and exaggeration in divorce papers is endemic. That isn't exclusive to alcoholics, either. And it certainly isn't OK, or legal, but don't be surprised if nothing happens to him in the way of being held in contempt or getting charged with perjury. From what I have seen that is a pretty rare occurrence. Family court judges see it all, however, and seeing deceptions in the pleadings and discovery responses will more than likely cause the judge to take a dim view of his overall credibility. Which is a good thing for you.

It sounds like you have a very good lawyer, which is also a very good thing for you.

And the "rage" you saw when he was detoxing is a common reaction to detox. You know him better than we do, but that was most likely a physiological reaction rather than true rage. It's scary to see, but that alone does not, I think, indicate a propensity to violence.

So overall, yeah, I kinda think you may be getting a little bit carried away in the catastrophizing department. Keep being smart, keep being careful--sounds to me like you have been doing a good job with both. I have a feeling you are going to come through this just FINE.

Hugs,

outonalimb

(((((((((((((Shooting Star)))))))))))))))))))))

Lots of great wisdom before me. I especially agree that things can seem so hopeless at night...when we're tired. Our mind and emotions can play tricks on us. I hope you got some rest last night. And I hope you do something nice for yourself today. I saw a great Zen quote in Courage to Change today. It says:


"If you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are"

Isn't that great? I know that I have spent alot of time trying to figure out WHY my exah does what he does and what he might do next. I can get myself into some real trouble if I try to do this late at night. I can wander into some very dangerous territory. The thing is, alcoholism is an illogical disease. We'll never figure it out. We'll never really understand why the alcoholic does what they do. We'll never be able to predict what they'll do next. The real answer lies in figuring out why WE do what we do and what we want to do next. You're headed on a path of healing and recovery. You've made some really brave decisions and you're getting stronger every day even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. Keep looking forward and keep the focus on you. Everything else will fall into place.

Hugs and peace...
Mary

dollydo

There are all kinds of ways to hide money so disclosures are never 100% fact, assets, investments are minimized and debts are maximized. Your attorney will get close to the truth.

You are doing good, keep your resolve.

redatlanta

I worked in the legal field for 8 years I can't say that what he is doing is unusual at all. Be it a stall tactic or just being difficult - its common. To dig a little deeper and more out on limb I have certainly seen both men and women think they were brilliant enough to outsmart the Court while digging their own grave and laying a blanket of BS that eventually sunk them.

At the end of the day 2 +2 = 4 every day, all day long.

Sorry you are going through this ShootingStar - will keep you in my thoughts.

FireSprite

I have to agree that I tend to think more negatively about a problem in the later evening vs the light of day. That said, trust your gut! If you feel like there's a potential for violence against you, always take steps to protect yourself. With the things that you've shared about your recovery, it seems like you have an uncanny instinct that only sharpens the longer you spend separated from this madness.

I think the financial game of playing aggressively in the market also speaks to his narcissim, doesn't it? It's a huge risk for someone his age to take such aggressive moves at this point in his life & especially with any significant amount of capital. And he definitely feels above the law.... his Ego is certainly Front & Center!

ShootingStar1

Thank you all for your comfort, so very much. I slept in this morning, and yes, in the light of the morning I am thinking without so much anxiety. I will have cookies and milk at night and go to bed early from now on!

"If you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are"

Outonalimb, that is a wonderful quote. I think I'll get the Courage to Change; sometimes a pithy quote can redirect your thinking.

LexieCat and Redatlanta, I appreciate the perspective from the legal front. Certainly a large part of his behavior is to try to bully me into submission. It is unbelievable to me that he doesn't seem to understand that the chickens will come to roost when the Judge looks at all of this. He has said outright that if I go to trial, he will "reveal" things about me that I don't want revealed - mainly the abuse by my father, and my major depression.

I have set my course, and those threats won't stop me. Maybe he just doesn't have any idea of the determination that, while submerged and almost drowned for all those years, is still the bedrock of my character. I couldn't have survived childhood without it.

LexieCat, I didn't know that rage can be a physiological effect of de-tox. In my husband's case, though, he is a rageaholic and part of his health problem is related to his adrenal glands and other hormones not functioning properly. Mainly, he is very controlled and compartmentalized, but part of the abuse was alcohol releasing his inhibitions and his anger pouring forth, directed at me. That is a force to be reckoned with, and I don't want to be caught short and surprised by his behavior.

I think you guys are right, the gambling is probably more a function of his belief that he rules the world, he is smarter than everyone else, and if he takes a contrarian view, he can make a lot of money. That's done and can't be fixed, but it's not a problem for me anymore. The lawyers and Judge will have to figure out what's right on that one.

As you say, Dandylion, his behavior has been outrageous for a long time, and he is not the man I think. Like you Pippi, I have moments of real concern, not over psychosis like you do, but I worry about what might be his breaking point. This divorce settlement is going to reveal his dark side, his inadequacies, his failures, and it will take away the lifestyle he has and feels that he deserves. I guess the question is how a narcissist will handle having their grandiose self-perception pierced, seeing it deflate like a balloon. I just want to be realistic about the possible results to that I am not caught in any danger.

What happens with the Judge, the divorce, the financial settlement will be what it will be. I accept that. I'm not hanging on the outcome. I know that, even at the minimum, I will have enough to live frugally, and that is all that matters. I believe that as I heal, the creative side of me will emerge more and more, and I will create the life I want to lead.

When we had the blizzard here on the coast of New England last month, it was nighttime, and the winds were howling around my walls and windows, gale force, blown up from the ocean nearby. It was fierce, scary, unrelenting. And I lay in my warm cozy bed with my little dog in her bed on the floor beside me, in my lovely little apartment, and I felt that I was in a cocoon, protected from the raging storm outside. That is what this time since I left in July has been for me - a cocoon to heal and grow in.

I trust that God will be with me, and that I will heal and begin a new chapter of my life. I mean, who wants the alternative? You have to create what you want, and I am trying. I've finally been in my studio, and I've re-geared and made a lovely little wallpiece instead of a piece of jewelry. I think it will be more expressive to work that way as well as what I usually do. So there is a new frontier!

ShootingStar1