Tonight, tonight- Am I seeing Things?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Houston, Tx
Posts: 278
Tonight, tonight- Am I seeing Things?
Forgive the length of this post in advance.
I came home from the office today, walked the pup and realized I'm exhausted. That was my excuse not to go the meeting I planned on attending.
I puttered about, got a surge of guilt and sadness over the events that catalyzed my sobriety. I reached out to someone who said- you should go. I thought- yeah, yeah... I should go.
On my way to the meeting, I cried. I looked up at the sky through my windshield & I actually said the words "I need help" aloud, which startled me.
I got to the meeting and it was a smaller group of folks... I had sat in the chair farthest away from the meeting leader and everyone else was on the other side of the room in a cluster. When it was evident this was a smaller meeting, I moved a few rows up and over towards the others... Still making an effort not to sit with them.
The meeting started. We read aloud from a book... I forget the title. We read about being careful in moments of jubilation during sobriety. This resonated deeply with me. I don't know that I've explicitly stated this but I stopped drinking January 17, 2013... I went on a binge last week that started when my team won an honor at work and someone at the conference handed me a shot... Weakness in a moment of jubilation.
At some point, a woman came in & sat in the chair I abandoned. I didn't even know she was there... After the chapter reading was concluded & the meeting opened for discussion, she spoke up... I was startled because I didn't know anyone had came in as I was focused on the reading. She told her story... It was essentially my story. I turned around in my chair & looked at her...
She then began to talk about how she was compelled to go to this meeting but she wasn't sure why. She's got five year's sobriety & remembered that this particular center has a meeting at 8pm on Thurs.
After I turned back around, the meeting leader looked at me and asked if had something to share. For the first time, I spoke in a meeting. I got out two incoherent sentences, which basically went something like "I'm a binge drinker... I went on some binges... made some huge mistakes and my partner left." I sobbed... And I'm an "ugly" cryer... These were big 'ole noisy alligator tears. And I eloquently concluded with "I think that's all for now."
I calmed down while others spoke.
At the end of the meeting, the woman came up to me. I looked at her and I said "I need help... And I need a book." She laughed. She stood with me as I bought the big book & we exchanged numbers.
I feel like I was supposed to be in that meeting... But then I worry that I'm somehow becoming sentimental and ascribing value to occurrences out of emotion... But I cannot shake the feeling that my sadness & guilt were meant to get me to this meeting... I made it through Day 7 today. One week of sobriety.
I came home from the office today, walked the pup and realized I'm exhausted. That was my excuse not to go the meeting I planned on attending.
I puttered about, got a surge of guilt and sadness over the events that catalyzed my sobriety. I reached out to someone who said- you should go. I thought- yeah, yeah... I should go.
On my way to the meeting, I cried. I looked up at the sky through my windshield & I actually said the words "I need help" aloud, which startled me.
I got to the meeting and it was a smaller group of folks... I had sat in the chair farthest away from the meeting leader and everyone else was on the other side of the room in a cluster. When it was evident this was a smaller meeting, I moved a few rows up and over towards the others... Still making an effort not to sit with them.
The meeting started. We read aloud from a book... I forget the title. We read about being careful in moments of jubilation during sobriety. This resonated deeply with me. I don't know that I've explicitly stated this but I stopped drinking January 17, 2013... I went on a binge last week that started when my team won an honor at work and someone at the conference handed me a shot... Weakness in a moment of jubilation.
At some point, a woman came in & sat in the chair I abandoned. I didn't even know she was there... After the chapter reading was concluded & the meeting opened for discussion, she spoke up... I was startled because I didn't know anyone had came in as I was focused on the reading. She told her story... It was essentially my story. I turned around in my chair & looked at her...
She then began to talk about how she was compelled to go to this meeting but she wasn't sure why. She's got five year's sobriety & remembered that this particular center has a meeting at 8pm on Thurs.
After I turned back around, the meeting leader looked at me and asked if had something to share. For the first time, I spoke in a meeting. I got out two incoherent sentences, which basically went something like "I'm a binge drinker... I went on some binges... made some huge mistakes and my partner left." I sobbed... And I'm an "ugly" cryer... These were big 'ole noisy alligator tears. And I eloquently concluded with "I think that's all for now."
I calmed down while others spoke.
At the end of the meeting, the woman came up to me. I looked at her and I said "I need help... And I need a book." She laughed. She stood with me as I bought the big book & we exchanged numbers.
I feel like I was supposed to be in that meeting... But then I worry that I'm somehow becoming sentimental and ascribing value to occurrences out of emotion... But I cannot shake the feeling that my sadness & guilt were meant to get me to this meeting... I made it through Day 7 today. One week of sobriety.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,002
Starbaby,
Thank you for sharing your experience. I still have tears of joy in my eyes. The world works in wonderful ways and can help us heal our broken lives if we stay open to the possibilities.
Congratulations on 7 days!
Thank you for sharing your experience. I still have tears of joy in my eyes. The world works in wonderful ways and can help us heal our broken lives if we stay open to the possibilities.
Congratulations on 7 days!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think things work the way they are SUPPOSED to work.
Awesome--it isn't just "emotion." I have seen miracles happen. Stick around, and you will see a lot of them. For you and for other people. It always gives me goosebumps, and trust me, I am not one of those easily goose-bumped.
Awesome--it isn't just "emotion." I have seen miracles happen. Stick around, and you will see a lot of them. For you and for other people. It always gives me goosebumps, and trust me, I am not one of those easily goose-bumped.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,067
Originally Posted by Starbaby928 
But then I worry that I'm somehow becoming sentimental and ascribing value to occurrences out of emotion...
Sometimes, it feels as if everyone is talking at your own problems.
Other times, I feel as if I didn't get much out of a meeting--but then I think maybe I was there to help somebody else. Maybe by just being there, even if I don't share, I gave someone support.
By the way, my first readings in the "Big Book" were the personal stories in the back. Short stories suited my brain waves in early sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NZ
Posts: 238
cool story, thanks for telling us. i had something similar this week. I had to go and deal with govt agency about my single mothers benifit. I had totally missed two appts due to being on a bender and not giving a **** about anything happening around me. I was seriously in the wrong and my money had been stopped. I walked into my appt praying 'please, please, just let me have someone understanding and nice'. Well i got exactly what i asked for ( and most of the people that work there are horrid) She was this smiley Australian woman who just talked about me and what i was going through for about 15 mins, turns out she was a psych nurse for 20 years and she had some amazing advice. More than that she really cared, her eyes shone out to me. She sorted out everything i needed doing in quick time and i was saved! I really think that bc i was doing the right thing ( not drinking) and i asked for help, i recieved it. So i totally believe you were exactly where you were meant to be to meet this lady. I hope you can help each other xxx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Houston, Tx
Posts: 278
Thank you all so much for listening... This was the first time I saw that maybe grief & pain have a purpose... Instead of the "why me" attitude I had... I realized those emotions forced me to ask for help, forced me to speak up.
Seiceps- Kai Kaha... I love that. I wrote it on my whiteboard at work. Same to you.
Blessings,
SB
Seiceps- Kai Kaha... I love that. I wrote it on my whiteboard at work. Same to you.
Blessings,
SB
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