In love with someone who's alcohol consumption affects me
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Fayetteville, NC
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In love with someone who's alcohol consumption affects me
Our first date. He drives two hours from his job at fort bragg to come take me out. Instant spark. Wonderful dinner then we had drinks since My apartment was within walking distance of the corner bars. For me, drinking is a social thing and can be fun, but I've never had a problem with it. I would drink maybe one weekend night every few weeks and since it was my summer off from college I was drinking more frequently but still without any problems. The next morning we woke up and I had realized how much I drank and was dealing with my feeling of yuckiness as normal people would. He however woke up smiling and still infatuated with me despite my most likely drunk behavior the night before. We hit it off and began dating.
He asked me to attend a ball with him the following weekend. I was very excited, got a dress picked out and had my hair and nails done and met him at his base to attend. Of course there were drinks at the ceremony, then the passing of fifths in the parking lot (wasn't really used to that), and then the after party. Every morning my boyfriend would wake up feeling fine. The drinking on the weekends continued and I slowly began to realize what a problem it was as I applied for my first job and relocated to be closer to him. For me this was my last summer off to enjoy so I was living it up but slowly began to break away from those habits as I settled into my working life and living with him. He still wanted to drink every weekend.
I'd never been exposed to drinking in the morning until one morning he sat a bud light in front of me after making breakfast and said here this is the best way to cure a Hangover, drink more. We started having fights, sex life dwindled because the times we did have together on the weekends he was drinking and who wants a sloppy person kissing their neck after a six pack and a pint of vodka, not me. I'd find that on the weekends, he'd make excuses and say he wanted to just go home and relax (even though there was no one thing stressing or pressing him at the time) just so he could drink, sometimes when I'd be gone he'd drink alone at the apartment, that is a fairly normal behavior for him. He is not an aggressive or violent drunk but rather a mentally altering, gait altering, speech slurred, sloppy drunk.
It has gotten to the point now that I am sober and realizing it instead of partaking with him that it gets under my skin and repulses me to no end. Just looking at him sober is difficult because all I see is an unresolved issue and ticking time bomb.
A few weeks ago, I met up with him after I got off work for a work get together. Keep in mind he is in the army and recently switched to a new unit with new people And this was the first time with him hanging out with them outside of the workplace. In his prior unit everyone knew how Sgt. ****** was and everyone just chalked his belligerent drunkenness to him being him....I eventually grew to despise this and be embarrassed of this. So I meet him at the restaurant and just from the way he's talking I know the alcohol is already getting to him, of course I express my annoyance and concern and remind him that he has an image to maintain, he's annoyed and shakes me off, encouraging me to find plans with my girlfriends (most likely so that he can be left alone to drink with his buddies free of the whip) so I go out with my girlfriends 9ish) and he attends a house party.....the uneventful low key girls night ends and it's 1am, I go to the house to pick him up as we live together and I wanted him to come home, he is stumbling, slurring his speech and having confrontation with me because he doesn't want to leave, he always a acts like I am the one who has issues when I'm in the right and it drives me Insane! After a small, not out of the ordinary fight, I go home, alone, with the image of my sloppy boyfriend in my head....disappointed and lonely is now a recurring feeling for me.
I have work at 0645 and am a nurse so I have to have focus on my patients and leave my personal issues at the door. Checking my phone on breaks I hear nothing from him, very unusual. I get off work still a nervous wreck the whole day with everything going on and come home to a disheveled apartment with not one trace of his belongings. He had left, no contact, no reason, no nothing. I drove by all the bars I thought he may have been on a Saturday night and one bartender told me she had last seen he and friends around 4pm, great he's day drinking, if I did find him, he'd be too drunk to reason with at this point. I find his car parked and drive by his car around 0630 the next morning to see if maybe he was sleeping in his car or if he wasn't there maybe he'd crashed at his friends place. I later came to find out he'd carelessly spent $960 at the strip club and had driven on post to stay in his assigned room.
Still having not heard from him that Sunday I get a knock at my door midway through Super Bowl and its him....hes crying uncontrollably asking me for my help and telling me he wants to change and that he doesn't want to end up dead, in jail or lose his career and that he loves me and that he's sorry. We make up, I set boundaries and tell him this is a personal issue he has to face himself but that I will be there to support him in any way I can. The days go by we're happy again, a weekend is skipped and free from alcohol.
the following weekend he tells me he never said he would stop drinking all together and feels like he can drink casually and so I gave him the chance (how would I ever know if I don't give him a chance to prove his limitations to himself -even if it fails it will be a learning experience in itself to show him he cannot have those casual few) he has two beers with dinner and we come home, he plays a little Xbox then goes to bed. The next night the same thing happens. This is seeming good so far.
This past weekend however we got into a fight and I meet him up at the sports bar to reconcile and eat dinner myself and notice the bill is for 9 beers as we're leaving....all of his consumption and quite quick too probably a beer at 8-10minute intervals. He had already bought a pint of vodka earlier which is what started the fight because I often told him if he wants those 4 "casual" drinks then buy 4 airplane bottles instead of subjecting yourself to an entire pint.
I leave to go to my friends place and come back to find him 3 sheets to the wind and the pint with two fingers depth left (9 beers prior in) I tell him that's enough and pour his current drink down the sink and put the vodka away kiss him goodnight telling him to just chill and watch a flick or something and that ill be in bed. As soon as I change and lay my head on the pillow I hear ice clank softly....at this point I was beyond anger or rage I was just tired and disappointed. I told him that this isn't what we agreed on and that he could either call a friend to get him or I could call him a cab but that he couldn't stay with me that night. After he packed his things up I gave him his keys only because his room key was on that set but it turns out he drove on post that night !
I am so disappointed in him, the next day the first contact I have is a I ******hate u and other mean things and I did nothing wrong I actually feel as though I kept my cool very well and executed it well so that I could cool off and he could sleep it off. He said he was sorry and that he didn't mean the hurtful things but its like he keeps getting by without addressing the true issue. Last night I told him I wanted to talk and he got mad and slammed the refrigerator door said a few choice words then walked out and stayed in his room last night.
This morning he comes over and still is in denial. I told him that I cannot continue to sweep things under the rug and I need to get rid of the grey areas because these situations are just going to resurface each weekend until his deployment in April and it may be even worse when he gets back, who knows. I have no hope right now idk what to think, he says I don't believe in him but I haven't had any real proof yet.
This is such a difficult situation to be in, I have 5 people in my fathers side that are alcoholics 3 reformed, 2 that are still struggling including my father but I never lived with him and wasn't exposed to it regularly like I am now....I never thought I'd find myself in this situation. I basically told my bf today that I do not think he will ever be able to control his alcohol and that I think he needs to erase it completely and he flat out told me that he will not stop but will rather do it more respectably....he said that he doesn't want to be the weird guy in the group that doesn't drink....WTF! People won't think your weird they won't socially scorn you for passing up a beer, it's just that u don't need alcohol to have fun and he's actually very physically fit and that is just looking out for his body....any person that truly cares for him and matters, will understand. He doesn't have anything to explain to anyone.
He told me that if I can't deal with that to just leave him. This is an emotional roller coaster for me....as I'm sitting there crying he comes to hug me and kisses me on the forehead, then he had to leave for work but texted me "love you". If we're going to transition into a non-relationship why would you still keep that person holding on.....I'm at my breaking point, I'm hurt and depressed and have been this way underlying for a while now. Any words of encouragement or advice would be greatly appreciated.
He asked me to attend a ball with him the following weekend. I was very excited, got a dress picked out and had my hair and nails done and met him at his base to attend. Of course there were drinks at the ceremony, then the passing of fifths in the parking lot (wasn't really used to that), and then the after party. Every morning my boyfriend would wake up feeling fine. The drinking on the weekends continued and I slowly began to realize what a problem it was as I applied for my first job and relocated to be closer to him. For me this was my last summer off to enjoy so I was living it up but slowly began to break away from those habits as I settled into my working life and living with him. He still wanted to drink every weekend.
I'd never been exposed to drinking in the morning until one morning he sat a bud light in front of me after making breakfast and said here this is the best way to cure a Hangover, drink more. We started having fights, sex life dwindled because the times we did have together on the weekends he was drinking and who wants a sloppy person kissing their neck after a six pack and a pint of vodka, not me. I'd find that on the weekends, he'd make excuses and say he wanted to just go home and relax (even though there was no one thing stressing or pressing him at the time) just so he could drink, sometimes when I'd be gone he'd drink alone at the apartment, that is a fairly normal behavior for him. He is not an aggressive or violent drunk but rather a mentally altering, gait altering, speech slurred, sloppy drunk.
It has gotten to the point now that I am sober and realizing it instead of partaking with him that it gets under my skin and repulses me to no end. Just looking at him sober is difficult because all I see is an unresolved issue and ticking time bomb.
A few weeks ago, I met up with him after I got off work for a work get together. Keep in mind he is in the army and recently switched to a new unit with new people And this was the first time with him hanging out with them outside of the workplace. In his prior unit everyone knew how Sgt. ****** was and everyone just chalked his belligerent drunkenness to him being him....I eventually grew to despise this and be embarrassed of this. So I meet him at the restaurant and just from the way he's talking I know the alcohol is already getting to him, of course I express my annoyance and concern and remind him that he has an image to maintain, he's annoyed and shakes me off, encouraging me to find plans with my girlfriends (most likely so that he can be left alone to drink with his buddies free of the whip) so I go out with my girlfriends 9ish) and he attends a house party.....the uneventful low key girls night ends and it's 1am, I go to the house to pick him up as we live together and I wanted him to come home, he is stumbling, slurring his speech and having confrontation with me because he doesn't want to leave, he always a acts like I am the one who has issues when I'm in the right and it drives me Insane! After a small, not out of the ordinary fight, I go home, alone, with the image of my sloppy boyfriend in my head....disappointed and lonely is now a recurring feeling for me.
I have work at 0645 and am a nurse so I have to have focus on my patients and leave my personal issues at the door. Checking my phone on breaks I hear nothing from him, very unusual. I get off work still a nervous wreck the whole day with everything going on and come home to a disheveled apartment with not one trace of his belongings. He had left, no contact, no reason, no nothing. I drove by all the bars I thought he may have been on a Saturday night and one bartender told me she had last seen he and friends around 4pm, great he's day drinking, if I did find him, he'd be too drunk to reason with at this point. I find his car parked and drive by his car around 0630 the next morning to see if maybe he was sleeping in his car or if he wasn't there maybe he'd crashed at his friends place. I later came to find out he'd carelessly spent $960 at the strip club and had driven on post to stay in his assigned room.
Still having not heard from him that Sunday I get a knock at my door midway through Super Bowl and its him....hes crying uncontrollably asking me for my help and telling me he wants to change and that he doesn't want to end up dead, in jail or lose his career and that he loves me and that he's sorry. We make up, I set boundaries and tell him this is a personal issue he has to face himself but that I will be there to support him in any way I can. The days go by we're happy again, a weekend is skipped and free from alcohol.
the following weekend he tells me he never said he would stop drinking all together and feels like he can drink casually and so I gave him the chance (how would I ever know if I don't give him a chance to prove his limitations to himself -even if it fails it will be a learning experience in itself to show him he cannot have those casual few) he has two beers with dinner and we come home, he plays a little Xbox then goes to bed. The next night the same thing happens. This is seeming good so far.
This past weekend however we got into a fight and I meet him up at the sports bar to reconcile and eat dinner myself and notice the bill is for 9 beers as we're leaving....all of his consumption and quite quick too probably a beer at 8-10minute intervals. He had already bought a pint of vodka earlier which is what started the fight because I often told him if he wants those 4 "casual" drinks then buy 4 airplane bottles instead of subjecting yourself to an entire pint.
I leave to go to my friends place and come back to find him 3 sheets to the wind and the pint with two fingers depth left (9 beers prior in) I tell him that's enough and pour his current drink down the sink and put the vodka away kiss him goodnight telling him to just chill and watch a flick or something and that ill be in bed. As soon as I change and lay my head on the pillow I hear ice clank softly....at this point I was beyond anger or rage I was just tired and disappointed. I told him that this isn't what we agreed on and that he could either call a friend to get him or I could call him a cab but that he couldn't stay with me that night. After he packed his things up I gave him his keys only because his room key was on that set but it turns out he drove on post that night !
I am so disappointed in him, the next day the first contact I have is a I ******hate u and other mean things and I did nothing wrong I actually feel as though I kept my cool very well and executed it well so that I could cool off and he could sleep it off. He said he was sorry and that he didn't mean the hurtful things but its like he keeps getting by without addressing the true issue. Last night I told him I wanted to talk and he got mad and slammed the refrigerator door said a few choice words then walked out and stayed in his room last night.
This morning he comes over and still is in denial. I told him that I cannot continue to sweep things under the rug and I need to get rid of the grey areas because these situations are just going to resurface each weekend until his deployment in April and it may be even worse when he gets back, who knows. I have no hope right now idk what to think, he says I don't believe in him but I haven't had any real proof yet.
This is such a difficult situation to be in, I have 5 people in my fathers side that are alcoholics 3 reformed, 2 that are still struggling including my father but I never lived with him and wasn't exposed to it regularly like I am now....I never thought I'd find myself in this situation. I basically told my bf today that I do not think he will ever be able to control his alcohol and that I think he needs to erase it completely and he flat out told me that he will not stop but will rather do it more respectably....he said that he doesn't want to be the weird guy in the group that doesn't drink....WTF! People won't think your weird they won't socially scorn you for passing up a beer, it's just that u don't need alcohol to have fun and he's actually very physically fit and that is just looking out for his body....any person that truly cares for him and matters, will understand. He doesn't have anything to explain to anyone.
He told me that if I can't deal with that to just leave him. This is an emotional roller coaster for me....as I'm sitting there crying he comes to hug me and kisses me on the forehead, then he had to leave for work but texted me "love you". If we're going to transition into a non-relationship why would you still keep that person holding on.....I'm at my breaking point, I'm hurt and depressed and have been this way underlying for a while now. Any words of encouragement or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Last edited by Hopefullessness; 02-28-2013 at 08:00 AM. Reason: Spelling
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Fayetteville, NC
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by letgo1234 
maybe if you can break that down a little more, it's so much to read & all in one paragraph. hopefully someone else can read all of that, sorry.
i am interested though & want to help.
i am interested though & want to help.
I broke it up. Hope that helps, I'm sorry I got on a rant and just needed to get my thoughts out, sorry if its a mess.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Oh dear. You're not going to like what I'm going to say, but I think you need to break it off. It doesn't need to be a permanent break... but reading what you wrote, this situation does not sound healthy, fun, or anything positive.
I can totally relate... I grew up with an emotionally abusive person in my life and later on, I went on to date plenty of the same. By being around this person for most of my life, I hadn't learned to recognize when enough was enough. I was completely accustomed to trying to help, trying to fix people, letting their poor behavior go because "I understand why he's like this". Truth is, there are always reasons that people treat themselves and others poorly... but that doesn't make it OK. Maybe having so many alcoholics in your family has similarly raised your tolerance for pain.
I know you love him. But he's told you in no uncertain words, plus in actions, that he has no intentions of quitting right now. Until he decides to quit, he's going to continue treating you like a jerk that's trying to control him. He won't recognize that you're doing it out of love. Resentment will grow for both of you.
Get out of this situation. Tell him that you love him and if he decides to get better, you would love to give things another try, but at the moment staying together is hurting both you and him.
You should also get a second opinion from the Friends and Family of Alcoholics group here on SR: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information I'm coming at it from the angle of an alcoholic (who knows full well that I was never able to quit when others wanted me to, only when I wanted to). They can give you advice from having gone through it from your side of the situation.
I can totally relate... I grew up with an emotionally abusive person in my life and later on, I went on to date plenty of the same. By being around this person for most of my life, I hadn't learned to recognize when enough was enough. I was completely accustomed to trying to help, trying to fix people, letting their poor behavior go because "I understand why he's like this". Truth is, there are always reasons that people treat themselves and others poorly... but that doesn't make it OK. Maybe having so many alcoholics in your family has similarly raised your tolerance for pain.
I know you love him. But he's told you in no uncertain words, plus in actions, that he has no intentions of quitting right now. Until he decides to quit, he's going to continue treating you like a jerk that's trying to control him. He won't recognize that you're doing it out of love. Resentment will grow for both of you.
Get out of this situation. Tell him that you love him and if he decides to get better, you would love to give things another try, but at the moment staying together is hurting both you and him.
You should also get a second opinion from the Friends and Family of Alcoholics group here on SR: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information I'm coming at it from the angle of an alcoholic (who knows full well that I was never able to quit when others wanted me to, only when I wanted to). They can give you advice from having gone through it from your side of the situation.
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I also think you should break it off. If he doesn't want to stop drinking then drinking will always come first,before you. Your life will continue like this round and round and round until you go mad, you'll have children with him and they'll be exposed to it to. Walk away whilst you still have a choice.You deserve better
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Fayetteville, NC
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Thank you fantail. This is something that I know is necessary but that I have been avoiding for fear of being alone in a town I moved to for him with no family of my own here. Luckily we will both be forced apart due to his deployment (where he cannot have alcohol) and will have time away for ourselves. I am fortunate we have no conjoined leases, bills or a marriage binding us together as that could make it complicated. Its just a matter of finding that strength at this point.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
I know that feeling, too. 
But after years and years of always being in relationships (most of them unhappy), I have now been single for a while. And I learned that being alone is way better than being in a bad relationship! You go through some crazy couplehood withdrawal at first, but once you get through that, you have all of this newly free emotional energy to spend on your friends, your hobbies, your job, etc.
But after years and years of always being in relationships (most of them unhappy), I have now been single for a while. And I learned that being alone is way better than being in a bad relationship! You go through some crazy couplehood withdrawal at first, but once you get through that, you have all of this newly free emotional energy to spend on your friends, your hobbies, your job, etc.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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i don't think you need to leave him, but you decide if that is what is best.
he clearly needs helps with his problem.
i don't think abandoning people is the best answer.
he is suffering.
maybe help guide him towards help.
love is not garbage at all.
i would not just trash everything.
if it's too much for you then go, but your BF needs help too, i don't know who he's going to get more help from other then his heart.
if he loves you, if you love him, this can be very helpful to recovery.
if it's too much then go.
you consult your heart as well.
he clearly needs helps with his problem.
i don't think abandoning people is the best answer.
he is suffering.
maybe help guide him towards help.
love is not garbage at all.
i would not just trash everything.
if it's too much for you then go, but your BF needs help too, i don't know who he's going to get more help from other then his heart.
if he loves you, if you love him, this can be very helpful to recovery.
if it's too much then go.
you consult your heart as well.
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