Crazed

So I did a full week of no contact with EXRAG, and it was actually OK. I am missing her, but not obsessing as much. Then she called late yesterday- her daughter had a thank you card and gift card for me because I gave her a plane ticket to see her best friend that moved away. Her daughter wanted to drop off the gift card in person. They only stopped by for about 5 minutes. It was fairly emotionless- EX did ask me for a hug, and I gave her one. It felt good, and I miss her. But I don't miss the chaos. As I just read in another post, I don't need a front row seat to the chaos. I am not sure if she still has the third party in the picture. I have no idea how her recovery, work, or legal issues are going. I am just really tired of it. I think the distancing is making me realize how tired I have been of it for the last 5 years of relapsing.

Actually, I guess if one is relapsing continuously for 5 years, I can probably get rid of the word "relapsing." She has been actively drinking for the last 5 years, with some periods on abstinence in between.

Perhaps if I stop minimizing, and see things for what they really were/are, it will be helpful for my recovery....

Sorry, just venting....

LexieCat

And having contact after a week isn't exactly "no contact," either. Just sayin'... It's contact... with a week in between.

Her daughter couldn't have delivered the gift and card without mom?

I don't mean to sound snarky, but remember what I said about little visits like this one being similar to the "just one" drink? It really isn't so different...

DreamsofSerenity

I went two weeks NC, slipped up and had contact, and it's been almost two weeks of NC again. After my brief "relapse", I feel entirely different. The anxiety and panic about not speaking to him are totally gone. I think speaking to him gave me a chance to see that he was still the drunk jerk he always was, and not the person I had been idealizing since we parted ways. He was his usual brain damaged (due to alcohol) and self centered self. I'm not trying to take over the thread, I am just wondering Lexie, if it was such a bad thing Crazed saw his ex briefly? From what he said, it seeemed to give him some clarity about how little he misses the chaos with her. Can't seeing the A's again after a period of NC, serve to jolt us out of our magical thinking? Or is there always the risk of total relapse? BTW, Crazed, I also feel like the gift card thing was an excuse of your exagf's to see you.

Tuffgirl

I don't think its necessarily a "bad" thing...but Lexie's point is no contact means no contact. For me - it was a long, drawn out process, filled with hope, fantasy, and lots of denial on my part. Going no contact allowed me to finally accept reality for what it was. To come to terms with it all, make my peace, and go my own way.

Crazed...good job not totally re-engaging. It's amazing after a period of time how we look back and think "holy crap, I put up with A LOT of drama!".

Crazed

I guess the point of my post is that even with a small amount of contact (which I agree could have been avoided if I resisted) I did not go into a tailspin. Time out from the situation is helping me put things into perspective-

My description of "venting" wasn't really accurate.

DreamsofSerenity

Yes, time out is essential for perspective. That is unquestionable.

LexieCat

Right, a week's break isn't worthless. My point was really that the same way alcoholics fall back into drinking by having "just one" and noticing that after a period of abstinence it "wasn't so bad" ("did not go into a tailspin"), having one brief visit, with one brief hug, can be the beginning of falling right back into the same pattern you are trying to escape.

There will ALWAYS be a "good reason" to have contact, just as alcoholics ALWAYS have a "good reason" for that one drink.

So while I completely appreciate the effort involved to go a week, and don't want to be dismissive about that, by the same token, these brief contacts work to undo the good of the whole effort.

Katiekate

Hi Crazed, I relapsed on no contact many times, it's really part of the process, it took awhile for me to get that no contact was really the only way for me to heal.

Each new contact just caused more pain in someway.

I would feel fine about it for the first day, but then I would tumble again.

This is not easy, it took some practice for me to follow through fully.

I feel for you, it's a learning process.

It is crazy making.

Katie xo

TakingCharge999

No contact is a great healer. It will get better. The less contact, the better -more time to focus on you, your day, your hopes, your activities...

"How can I make this moment better for ME?" is my motto this week

I have been out from XABF madness for more than 4 years. It gets SO much better. Life is still life, with ups and downs, but I am grateful I had the strength to leave. I wish I had done it sooner. I deserve healthy people in my life, and so do you.

Hugs!

miles72

Regarding NC, a good friend of mine said, "Imagine you're sitting in a room with a smoke alarm going off for hours and hours. Even when you get out of the room, you'll still hear that BEEP BEEP BEEP for a while. But stay out of the room and the noises will start to fade." Pretty blatant analogy, but sometimes I need blatant...

NC = being good to ourselves.