LPP0927

I am just so heart-broken. Sick with shame and guilt. Last Sunday I physically violently attacked my now ex-boyfriend after blacking out. He naturally wants nothing to do with me, I don't blame him. I am so depressed and want his forgiveness. I hope he can forgive me one day. I hope I can forgive myself. I ruined our relationship. We were planning on moving in together at the end of June and getting engaged.

I feel so awful. I love him so much and I cannot believe and can't even imagine the pain I am causing him.

I want to call him every 5 minutes to say how sorry I am but the respectful thing to do is to just leave him alone. It's so hard not to reach out but I know its the right thing to do.

That person who attacked him was not me, I have no idea who that was. It is frightening.

Sorry If I am just rambling, but I am very distraught.

avocado

I am sorry to hear that. I am no stranger to doing stupid stuff while blacking out. Are you interested in quitting alcohol or whatever it was you were doing to cause the blackout?

LPP0927

I was drinking all day, we both drink together all the time. Sometimes I get really mean and this time I became a violent psychopath.

Ofcourse yes I want to stop. There isn't a drink worth any of this. I am just so sad and sick and ashamed for hurting him and ruining us.

Coldfusion

Welcome, LPP

This is a good place to learn about recovery methods.

Have you looked into AA?

Starbaby928

You're not alone LPP... I'm almost through Day 2 & made a decision to get sober after these same types of occurrences.

Having this forum has been crucial for me these few days... Just reading makes me feel less alone.

Hang in there.

SB

Dee74

I'm really sorry to read what bought you here LPP.... but I hope, like me, coming here can be the first step in you rebuilding your life and the you you want to be

D

LPP0927

I have been googling meetings in my area but I won't be able to get to one until Monday or Wednesday.

Thank all who have replied.

avocado

well, stick around here, read and chat - it helped me those first few days especially, if for no other reason than it is a good constant reminder that you really don't want to drink, even though that little voice might like to tell you otherwise.

CharlieNoogan

Welcome LPP! SR is an awesome place full of people who are understanding and supportive. You will feel at home here.

Congratulations on your decision to move forward from this awful disease.

Shame and guilt are emotions that plague all of us alcoholics. The key is to remember how you are feeling right now when the temptation to drink arises.

You are not the person who acted in that blackout. You are much better than that and you don't have to go to that frightening place ever again if you don't want to.

AA is a great choice. I wish you and your relationship the best of luck!

LexieCat

Physical abuse is NEVER OK. It's right up there with driving drunk. Even if we would not have done it if we weren't drunk, it doesn't excuse it.

That said, yes, we have all done horribly shameful things while drinking. It IS our responsibility to take action so we don't continue to do those things.

So rather than wallow in shame and guilt about what's past, what do you plan to do so nothing like this happens again? If you recover, you can make right the wrongs you have done, or at least make your best effort at doing that. That will never happen if you continue to drink.

Fallow

Ive been there. When I 'came to' the cops were on my tail. And after that horrifying experience of assaulting someone while blacked out... I still picked up a drink again.

I can say that in my experience the blackouts continued to get worse and worse. Never better. Eventually I couldn't tell if I was gonna black out after the 5th drink or the 15th. At some point I started to enjoy them because I hated who I had become and needed to forget everything to survive. Somehow I still thought I might find a way to fix my life and control my drinking at the same time.

AA and this website really helped me to see my truth. Im an alcoholic and cannot drink safely. I had stopped drinking lots of times but I could never stay stopped. I had to humble myself and accept help.

This incident could end up being the springboard to a beautiful sober life for you. Where you will never make decisions under the influence you end up regretting.

I wish you the best!

LPP0927

Physical abuse is never ok. I am in no way trying to excuse what I did. I don't remember. Until we woke up the next morning and I tried to leave because I felt something terrible had happened. Then I saw his face and the inside of his wrists and forearms. He begged me to stay and held me while I cried out of shame and guilt. He was being so good to me that I felt even worse.

He was just in shock and so sad. He even told me that wasn't you not the girl I know I don't know who that was it didn't even look like you.

I am here and I think that's a good first step. I still cannot believe I did that to him. I hope he can heal and eventually forgive me. I hope I can eventually forgive myself.

I don't expect him to ever come back. I don't blame him.
I just didn't realize my drinking had gotten so bad. At this moment I have no desire to drink. I am just trying to come to terms with gravity of the awful thing I did to the man I love and care for so deeply.

I am not trying to excuse what I did, I really can't believe I what I did to him. I am sharing as I recalled or rather it was told to me.

Thank you again everyone for your support, comments and guidance.

LPP0927

Thank you all so much really. I just cant stop crying.

instant

There is a better way to live LPP . More predictably peaceful. We cannot undo the past but we can learn and move on

Happy2013

Although my boyfriend is the drinker in our relationship, I am heart broken to hear your story and my heart goes out to you and him. I have not been physically abused, although I have dealt with the blacking out and some tight grips on my arms before which left some bruises and hurt feelings. I am sure he still loves you very much, and like you said needs time to process what happened. I left my boyfriend last year after an all night bender and some very abusive behavior during his blackout. But I still thought about him all the time, and hoped he would get help. I silently loved him from a distance and prayed with all my heart he would wake up.

You are taking the right steps, and working on yourself is the best way to show him how much you love him and how much you love you! Sometimes our actions are better than any words we can say. I'm sure if he loves you that much he will be able to forgive you. When we are sincerely trying in life those we love can see. I hope I was able to help.

Applecrumble

Hi LLP,

What we did is not who we are - especially as a drunk.

Become who you are instead of a random stream of bizarre or awful behaviours by staying sober. And that way you can show you are taking full responsibilty, too ... Mainly to yourself because its you who needs to know you have control over yourself more than anyone.

Lots of people here who can support you with that

Take care

coming_clean

Ive had a girflriend that got abusive when drunk.

Moderate or give up the drink.
It would be better.

LPP0927

If moderation is truly the path for me. I can drink 12-14 drinks and be fine or 4 and be plastered. I think it's best if I stop all together.

I have a free evening next week and I'll be going to an AA meeting.

Just the shame and guilt and the not being able to talk to my boyfriend, he was my best friend my rock my support system is very emotionally painful.

I wish he knew or understood how terrible I feel for hurting him. I just wish I knew if he was ok.

LPP0927

I can't keep running away from my true self. I am really inspired by what you wrote become who you really are.

This person that I have been living as is not me.

Anna

I, too, did some awful things while in blackout. Blackouts are the most scary thing ever, because you will never remember doing what you did, but it's still there.

I'm glad you are planning to stop drinking and I hope you find support here. AS others have said the guilt and shame can lead back to drinking again, so be careful to try to stay positive. My advice is to take a step away from your boyfriend and put all your energy and focus on yourself and getting well.