ClearLight

One way to make sure you NEVER do anything like that to anyone again is to never drink again.
I tried moderation for 20 years - never worked for me.
Something to consider.

bigaquagirl

"Never to drink again and that never going to happen again is not really true"
I has a steroid shot last year for an allergic reaction, i acted same way as i do when i drink. Miss Mean comes out with the vengeance. I've posted earlier on similar topic ... people sometimes suppress negative feelings and emotions. Alcohol just unleashes what naturally suppressed. I'm not trying to defend or excuse what we do when we drink. I wonder if just removing alcohol will stop this. What happens when you have a reaction to another drug or another level of stress. I'm just curious if anyone here had similar experiences?

laurie6781

I don't believe that 'just stopping drinking,' is the answer.

It is a lot more than that, it is a lot of hard work with a clear and sober mind to look at ourselves in depth, to clean up all that 'wreckage' we caused, and to learn 'new ways' to live in society.

In the process of working on myself, I have been able over the years to literally 'change me'. I react much differently to all of life's stresses and joys than I did while practicing my addictions.

However, that being said, stopping drinking is an excellent First Step!

(((((LPP0927))))) you are starting a journey that you hopefully will be on the rest of your life. You are starting with the First Step, putting down the alcohol! Good Start!!!!

We are here for you. Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing, as we do care so very much. Feel free to rant, rave, cry, scream, and yes even laugh. We know what you are going through as we too have been there.

We walk with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

wpainterw

LLP0927:
I agree that just stopping drinking is not enough but it sure is a wonderful start! Good luck with that! Hope you like the AA meeting (maybe there are several you can choose from) but if not, then try another alternative. Ask us about those if you want to. As for the boyfriend, you may want to write him a note eventually saying how bad you feel and how sorry you are but it's best to put off any thought of getting back together in the immediate future since you say he drinks too. Once you quit (the first few months tend to be tough) things will open up and you may be able to look more to the future. What is past is past. Every good wish to you.

W.

gratefulkp

my first question when sobering up after a good drunk was, "what did i do this time?"
i think i have a good idea where you are coming from, and headed for. if you are serious about stopping what you are doing, stick around SR, read, write, and pray. give it to Him and let it go. good luck and God bless.

ClearLight

Probably wasn't clear enough in my post.
I was referring to doing crazy, hurtful things while blacked out. For me, I grew tired of waking up the next day hearing about what my 'blacked out' self did while I was blind drunk.

LPP0927

I have not contacted him since Thursday. We spoke briefly on Thursday morning to formalize our break up. I emailed him later that night to re-express how sorry I am and ask his forgiveness whenever he was ready to forgive. This time last Sunday I was already out of mind drunk. I can't believe it has already been a week.

I spent all week just crying. I have no desire to drink at all. I just wish there was a way to take it back. I feel so much shame and guilt. I am very depressed and generally feel paralyzed like I am in slow motion. I have so much to do.
My heart is broken and so is his and its all my fault.

I can't eat I can't really sleep, can't get my school work done. Missed class last week and a couple of deadlines.

I feel like someone died.

ivegotsunshine

You and I wear the same size shoes LPP. If you think moderation isn't a good idea, it isn't. I am sure your BF is having some hurt feelings and confusion right now. Give him some time to figure out what happened. Maybe in the future you guys can at least talk about it and say your peace. Try to focus on yourself right now. You are clearly in a tough place right now, take care of yourself and things will start to fall into place. Best wishes to you.

Seiceps

Hey you ! Honey you just have to sit there and rude out that shame and guilt, the self lash, I call it. And then use it to fuel your way to stop drinking. I have done sooo many things blacked out, including being violent, having violence inflicted on me. It's awful awful awful to deal with but until you do nothing can change. My partner has just left too and I have gone through the weekend from hell. Because I finally had to come to terms with things when I was sober. I cried and cried too. That's all you can do. Get it out. There is an end to that pain, it simply can't go on forever, but what I've figured out is, it will just keep being recycled if we don't face it head on without a drink. Sending my love. Xxx

Seiceps

Ride out !!!! I mean

LPP0927

Feeling really really bad tonight not because I want to drink. I have 0 desire but because of how ashamed and guiltly I feel. I hate myself so much right now for what I have done. For how much worse it could have been. I feel so low.

gratefulkp

You need to learn how to forgive yourself LPP. You are no different that probably 99% of us here. We all fall short of His Glory. No one is perfect. Forgive and move on with your recovery. Sounds like you are serious. God bless.

Starbaby928

LPP0927- I know how you feel... As gratefulkp said- we're all in the same ocean, just riding different waves.

I have moments where I focus on my partner and those feelings of loss. But I try to remember that I can't change the past. Every morning, I pray that she's healing... And I send her positive energy. Then I focus on me. That's all I have now.

fantail

LPP -- I know a guy who used to be one of the worst drunks I've ever met. To the point where people just completely avoided him at times because he was so unpredictable and sometimes violent.

He quit drinking about 10 months ago and now all anyone can talk about is how great he's doing, how happy he is, how he's doing such great things with his life, etc.

I guess what I'm saying is that if you can just clench your fists and get through the waves of shame now, it'll lead to pride down the road (and maybe even a resolution to this current situation). If you take the easy route, and drown your shame right now, it'll lead to deeper and more profound shame in the future.

Right now you have a chance to be the girl who got a rude awakening to her problem, owned up, and became a better person. That can be your story! And it's a great story. Way better than the girl who went off the rails and just kept going. Just visualize how great you will feel in a few months when you're able to look back on this as the impetus for making things better, not the moment when it all fall apart. A little pain now is totally worth it and I know you can do it.

DisplacedGRITS

I've been listening to a lot (and i mean A LOT) of AA speaker tapes and getting back to AA and the Big Book. I'm giving up on my drinking life again. I'm back to accepting that i am powerless against alcohol. It is cunning, baffling and ruthless. I am not. I will never be able to outwit alcohol. AA helps me a lot. it's my safe haven. It's the port in the storm of my mind. I go there because i have to listen to what other people tell me to do because i can't listen to myself. I've listened to myself in the past and it's just gotten me into trouble. I'm in a rough patch myself too but that's all i've got for you. Right now, i'm getting help from the community and i'm going to do what the oldtimers tell me to do. Because i can't do it my way anymore. My way, quite frankly, stinks. I hope you can find a path that works for you long term. I thought i had one for a while. It was good for a while, when i was doing what i was told. But when i got cocky and tried to run my own program, i screwed myself up good. I give good advice to others. I just suck at taking that advice myself. I'll take other people's good advice though. No idea how that works but i'm giving up on trying to figure myself out right now.