Heard the voice of a ghost yesterday
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Heard the voice of a ghost yesterday
I have a restraining order against my exah.
He's been in jail for almost 4 months now. Although he wrote a few unwanted letters to me at the very beginning of his jail stay, he stopped doing that when I advised his attorney that I would press charges for violating the restraining order if he chose to violate it one more time.
And he hasn't.
Except for yesterday.
He tried to call me collect from jail. A pre-recorded message came on telling me that it was a collect call from the jail and in the space where the caller can record their name so you know who it is that calling, my exah simply said "Happy Valentines Day, I love you".
Of course, I hung up immediately.
I'm not going to talk to him. I"m not going to see him. I honestly don't want to have any contact from him at all. And, if I were really on my game, I would file a police report.
I know my exah loves me. He loves me the best way he knows how...despite all the layers of denial and twisted thinking that goes along with addiction, I believe the man I still married is buried deep inside there somewhere....or is he?
Don't get me wrong, I don't have any fantasizes that he's going to get well and we're going to reconcile and put our family back together again. That ship sailed long ago.
Even if he were to get sober, I would never trust him. I don't feel 'that way' about him any more. Truth be told, I stopped feeling 'that way' about him long, long ago....long before I divorced him...long before I had to get a restraining order because his thoughts and behaviors had become so erratic and scary.
I just wasn't expecting to hear his voice yesterday when I answered the phone. And hearing his voice touched my heart in a way that I hadn't expected. I love my exah. I always will. I care about him. Nothing would make me happier than to see him get well so he can be a father to our son.
The whole thing just left me feeling kind of sad.
Is the man I married still in there?
Does he even exist anymore or has he been totally consumed and has he now morphed into someone else all together?
I just wonder.
Who was that man who called?
And why do I even care?
He's been in jail for almost 4 months now. Although he wrote a few unwanted letters to me at the very beginning of his jail stay, he stopped doing that when I advised his attorney that I would press charges for violating the restraining order if he chose to violate it one more time.
And he hasn't.
Except for yesterday.
He tried to call me collect from jail. A pre-recorded message came on telling me that it was a collect call from the jail and in the space where the caller can record their name so you know who it is that calling, my exah simply said "Happy Valentines Day, I love you".
Of course, I hung up immediately.
I'm not going to talk to him. I"m not going to see him. I honestly don't want to have any contact from him at all. And, if I were really on my game, I would file a police report.
I know my exah loves me. He loves me the best way he knows how...despite all the layers of denial and twisted thinking that goes along with addiction, I believe the man I still married is buried deep inside there somewhere....or is he?
Don't get me wrong, I don't have any fantasizes that he's going to get well and we're going to reconcile and put our family back together again. That ship sailed long ago.
Even if he were to get sober, I would never trust him. I don't feel 'that way' about him any more. Truth be told, I stopped feeling 'that way' about him long, long ago....long before I divorced him...long before I had to get a restraining order because his thoughts and behaviors had become so erratic and scary.
I just wasn't expecting to hear his voice yesterday when I answered the phone. And hearing his voice touched my heart in a way that I hadn't expected. I love my exah. I always will. I care about him. Nothing would make me happier than to see him get well so he can be a father to our son.
The whole thing just left me feeling kind of sad.
Is the man I married still in there?
Does he even exist anymore or has he been totally consumed and has he now morphed into someone else all together?
I just wonder.
Who was that man who called?
And why do I even care?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Outonalimb,
That call would have thrown me for a loop for sure! I imagine that it was quite a shock to your system.
You care because he is a human being who is very troubled and you are a kind and loving person.
It is so very hard to completely let go of what we once knew...that potential. When my STBAXH is back on this coast, I only see him from a distance across a parking lot when we are picking up or dropping off the boys for a visit. When I see him take my youngest boy's face in his hands a kiss him, it breaks my heart all over again. I too, want more than anything for him to get well and be a good father to our boys. (Maybe he is moving in that direction - but his communications with me would not indicate that.)
I'm not sure if I ever want to not care. It's all so very confusing to me.
I think you did the right thing by hanging up. There was nothing to be gained by talking to him, as you seem to wisely understand. I hope you are not being hard on yourself or feeling guilty about that.
Hugs,
MamaKit
That call would have thrown me for a loop for sure! I imagine that it was quite a shock to your system.
You care because he is a human being who is very troubled and you are a kind and loving person.
It is so very hard to completely let go of what we once knew...that potential. When my STBAXH is back on this coast, I only see him from a distance across a parking lot when we are picking up or dropping off the boys for a visit. When I see him take my youngest boy's face in his hands a kiss him, it breaks my heart all over again. I too, want more than anything for him to get well and be a good father to our boys. (Maybe he is moving in that direction - but his communications with me would not indicate that.)
I'm not sure if I ever want to not care. It's all so very confusing to me.
I think you did the right thing by hanging up. There was nothing to be gained by talking to him, as you seem to wisely understand. I hope you are not being hard on yourself or feeling guilty about that.
Hugs,
MamaKit
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Alas, active alcoholics aren't capable of love. Bill Wilson writes alcoholics are "self-centered in the extreme, grandiose and self will run riot" in the Big Book. Many do try to hang on to enablers because it helps them continue drinking when someone else takes responsibility for everyday life.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm sorry it threw you, Mary.
I've been working on this monograph for work on witness intimidation. A large part of it deals with emotional manipulation, which is why so many victims in DV cases drop charges. One of the sources I used was this very interesting study that was done in a jurisdiction where the jail routinely records phone calls from the jail. Of the victims who ultimately recanted, the phone calls from the defendant to the victim progressed like this: at first many of the victims were still angry and refused to accept the abuser's version of what had happened (usually that it was the victim's fault, or not so bad, or that it was all the fault of the police). Gradually, though, over the course of several phone calls, wherein the abusers would sadly talk about how miserable they were, how much they were suffering in jail, and sadly reminiscing about the good times in the past, the women would do a 180 and be helping to concoct a story that would get him out of jail. Pretty much what we would expect, but interesting to see it played out over and over, with different people.
Personally, I think you ought to report the phone call. He knows better, and he knows what he is trying to do. I understand if you feel you can't, but restraining orders are no good if they aren't enforced.
Hugs, I'm mad that he did that to you.
I've been working on this monograph for work on witness intimidation. A large part of it deals with emotional manipulation, which is why so many victims in DV cases drop charges. One of the sources I used was this very interesting study that was done in a jurisdiction where the jail routinely records phone calls from the jail. Of the victims who ultimately recanted, the phone calls from the defendant to the victim progressed like this: at first many of the victims were still angry and refused to accept the abuser's version of what had happened (usually that it was the victim's fault, or not so bad, or that it was all the fault of the police). Gradually, though, over the course of several phone calls, wherein the abusers would sadly talk about how miserable they were, how much they were suffering in jail, and sadly reminiscing about the good times in the past, the women would do a 180 and be helping to concoct a story that would get him out of jail. Pretty much what we would expect, but interesting to see it played out over and over, with different people.
Personally, I think you ought to report the phone call. He knows better, and he knows what he is trying to do. I understand if you feel you can't, but restraining orders are no good if they aren't enforced.
Hugs, I'm mad that he did that to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Thanks (((mamakit))). you always have the most kind and supportive thing to say. Your support and understanding mean so much. I'm working sooo damn hard on my recovery. I dont' want to be angry and bitter. I want to have compasion and yet I want to make sure that I never ever ever allow myself to fall into his web of manipulation. It just feels like such a fine line to walk sometimes.
NYC...thanks to you too. I believe my exah loved me. I believe he still loves me. But maybe your'e right and maybe they're just incapable of love. I seriously don't know.
Lexie...thank you to you too. I know you're right. I know the call was probably just an act of manipulation. Heck...no 'probably' about it. I should file a police report. If he does it again, I will. I'm struggling with anxiety right now. Actually made an appt for counseling next week. This was a big step because I am always so reluctant to ask for help...such a codie...I know...but I'm getting better. It's taking all my energy to keep the focus on ME and MY recovery and even though filing a police report is the right thing to do, I'm just worn out. My first reaction to hearing his voice was anger...that he was trying to manipulate me like that. And then I spent too much time in my head wondering if the man i used to know even exists anymore. Good thing I"m headed to a meeting tonight!!
Hug to all...thanks for your support and understanding...
Mary
NYC...thanks to you too. I believe my exah loved me. I believe he still loves me. But maybe your'e right and maybe they're just incapable of love. I seriously don't know.
Lexie...thank you to you too. I know you're right. I know the call was probably just an act of manipulation. Heck...no 'probably' about it. I should file a police report. If he does it again, I will. I'm struggling with anxiety right now. Actually made an appt for counseling next week. This was a big step because I am always so reluctant to ask for help...such a codie...I know...but I'm getting better. It's taking all my energy to keep the focus on ME and MY recovery and even though filing a police report is the right thing to do, I'm just worn out. My first reaction to hearing his voice was anger...that he was trying to manipulate me like that. And then I spent too much time in my head wondering if the man i used to know even exists anymore. Good thing I"m headed to a meeting tonight!!
Hug to all...thanks for your support and understanding...
Mary
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Outonalimb, I just had a similar experience, and my reaction is very much the same as yours. My STBXAH sent me an e-mail with only this in the text, no message, just "Happy Valentine's Day". No matter what I want, no matter how I want to re-act, it draws me back. It makes me sad that he is so alone now, all of his own doing, but, like you not wanting to report the restraining order violation, it makes me feel sympathetic to him and his suffering.
I would like to think it is because we are good loving people, and we don't wish trouble on anyone. However, LexieCat, your post about witness intimidation is very clear about how manipulative these abusers can be in playing us. In most situations, our compassion would be a strength. Here, it is turned against us. No good will come of responding anyway except alone in my heart.
I do believe my STBXAH really regrets my leaving now. And like you, I just can't fathom who he is anymore.
... hearing his voice touched my heart in a way that I hadn't expected. I love my exah. I always will. I care about him. Nothing would make me happier than to see him get well so he can be a father to our son.
The whole thing just left me feeling kind of sad.
Is the man I married still in there?
Does he even exist anymore or has he been totally consumed and has he now morphed into someone else all together?
I just wonder.
Who was that man who called?
And why do I even care?
What you've written is so poignant to me. To have even a momentary glimpse back into what once was good feels heart-breaking to me.
Back to no-contact. That, and the time and honesty to grieve what is lost, that's where I have to go. I can't ignore my sadness or my regret that all this has happened. If I swallow those feelings, they will haunt me. There is a song by Alison Krause "Ghost in this house" with the lyrics
There's another ghost here
He sits down in your chair
And he shines with your light
and that's the place this took me.
What a profound loss. I want to be free. I need to be free. I will be free. Maybe the price is an occasional visit of the ghost of memory.
Thank you for expressing this.
How do you move past these feelings? I know the actions to take, and I do, but my feelings, as the divorce gets closer, are lingering behind. Is that how you are feeling?
ShootingStar1
I would like to think it is because we are good loving people, and we don't wish trouble on anyone. However, LexieCat, your post about witness intimidation is very clear about how manipulative these abusers can be in playing us. In most situations, our compassion would be a strength. Here, it is turned against us. No good will come of responding anyway except alone in my heart.
I do believe my STBXAH really regrets my leaving now. And like you, I just can't fathom who he is anymore.
... hearing his voice touched my heart in a way that I hadn't expected. I love my exah. I always will. I care about him. Nothing would make me happier than to see him get well so he can be a father to our son.
The whole thing just left me feeling kind of sad.
Is the man I married still in there?
Does he even exist anymore or has he been totally consumed and has he now morphed into someone else all together?
I just wonder.
Who was that man who called?
And why do I even care?
What you've written is so poignant to me. To have even a momentary glimpse back into what once was good feels heart-breaking to me.
Back to no-contact. That, and the time and honesty to grieve what is lost, that's where I have to go. I can't ignore my sadness or my regret that all this has happened. If I swallow those feelings, they will haunt me. There is a song by Alison Krause "Ghost in this house" with the lyrics
There's another ghost here
He sits down in your chair
And he shines with your light
and that's the place this took me.
What a profound loss. I want to be free. I need to be free. I will be free. Maybe the price is an occasional visit of the ghost of memory.
Thank you for expressing this.
How do you move past these feelings? I know the actions to take, and I do, but my feelings, as the divorce gets closer, are lingering behind. Is that how you are feeling?
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: WI
Posts: 195
To have to face consequences of a restraining order on him seems he really lacks self control, and being in jail with too much time on his hands probably helps put him over the edge.
I learned that the addicts, given the same circumstances, often think and feel the same way their significant other thinks/feels. It was an eye opener to me. Example: in my AHs outpatient treatment program he was to write his feelings when he drank and I was to write mine. When we shared them (all couples present shared them); the alcoholics feelings were mostly identical to their significant others. It really showed their own struggle.
I learned that the addicts, given the same circumstances, often think and feel the same way their significant other thinks/feels. It was an eye opener to me. Example: in my AHs outpatient treatment program he was to write his feelings when he drank and I was to write mine. When we shared them (all couples present shared them); the alcoholics feelings were mostly identical to their significant others. It really showed their own struggle.
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