sleepyskye

Hi, I'm new to this site and I'm really just looking for a support group of people who understand what I'm going through. I have been dating my boyfriends for just over 9 months and he has been using on and off since we started dating. A few weeks ago he moved out of his parents house and into his own apartment but he moved in a week after he lost his job. He has recently depleted his entire bank account to buying heroin and is now completely out of money until he gets a job.
Basically, hes not ready to give up heroin, and I'm not willing to give him up. I'm so in love with him that I dont know what to do to really be able to help him. I realize that I have been enabling him more than I should by giving him gas money and buying him food. He is a mess and is slowly approaching rock bottom and I feel like I am the only thing keeping him afloat.
To add to this addiction, he is also clinically depressed and is often suicidal. I know that I should walk away and let him hit rock bottom so that (maybe) he will decide that he wants to get sober, but I dont WANT to leave him. I cant imagine my life without him and all I want to do is help.
I know that I sound naive and immature in this post, but this is honestly just me ranting. I have so many conflicting feelings but the one thing that I know for sure is that I'm worried about him, I love him, and I dont just want to leave him behind. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or just an outlet to vent to.

Thank you to anyone who stuck it out and finished reading

Ann

Welcome to SR Sleepyskye.

It sounds to me like you are doing all the work in this relationship and supplying money for his drugs. I don't say that in a judgmental way but to try to see what there is in this for you?

When we are drawn to chaos and remain even when it affects our life and our health badly...it is time to take a good look at why we allow this.

Have you ever been to live meetings? Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us find our balance again and live a healthier life.

Whatever you choose to do, we are here for you.

Hugs

sleepyskye

I had actually never heard that there were live meetings for loved ones of people suffering from addictions until I joined this site today so thank you, I will have to look into that.

And you are right, I need to really look at what I'm getting out of this relationship, its just really hard since I dont feel like I can talk to anyone in my life about this because they all judge me for staying with him.

Lily1918

hello! nice to meet you. my BF is also addicted to heroin. I could copy and paste your story into my life. I have done all of those things and everyone here has been nothing but supportive. The live meetings really are wonderful. Letting go is so hard to do. I haven't left my BF yet either even though my HP (higher power I call him god) has physically removed him from my home. maybe take the time to read the stickies at the top of the forum, and cynical ones blog. I will not lie, you might encounter some tough love, but that's all you will find here. love and support. The best advice I can give is to head straight to the "what addicts do" and "why people respond the way they do" stickies. I look forward to getting to know you!!!!!

LoveMeNow

Please keep rereading your post until you see what you have written in unspoken words.

Many of us here are so guilty of the same thing. Codependents can be very selfish too. Because you want what you want, I pray you don't love him to death.

I am sorry if I am sounding harsh, I am not trying to be.

PhilsFan33

Make him go to rehab or leave him. If he loves you as much as you love him, he will. If not, leave, it only gets worse, soon he'll be stealing your jewerly. That's what addicts do, especially broke addicts! Hard reality but it's true..

PhilsFan33

I should say, ask him to go to rehab and explain why you want him to go.

jerect

Stop giving him money period.. He's not buying gas he's buying drugs.. If he needs food let him go to a food bank or something and ask them for food.. He will bleed you dry if you let him..

I know you say you aren't ready to let him go and you don't have to make that decision today.. I know how hard it is to let someone go because it took me 4 years to divorce my EXAH... Just don't loose yourself in the process... Get yourself to some alanon meetings, read through the posts on this board and if you don't read anything else read these two books; codependent no more by Melodie Beattie and woman who love too much by Robin Norewood.. Both will help you tremendously with what your dealing with

oooopps

the fear of losing someone for whatever reasons may sometimes be mistaken as "I'm so in love with him". I thought I was really in love with my addict before but after getting out and examining myself and my experience, I wasnt.

A normal person would not be in love with an adult male who steals, lies, cheats and needs financial support. If you really open your eyes there is nothing attractive about an addict.

oooopps

I also want to remind you that you're putting yourself in harm's way with serious consequences: HIV, Hepatitis C... no matter how much reassurances he gives you about not sharing needles, you are never safe. Addicts lie. They dont have true remorse for their conduct and the harm they bring.

This is not just about him. Why are you putting yourself in danger?

zoso77

Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you found us.

Your post is interesting, because not only do you highlight your ABF's dependance on heroin, you highlight your dependance on him. And I'd be willing to bet that if things continue on their current course unabated, you two will go down in flames together. That is, if you choose to stay on your current course.

You do him no favors by "keeping him afloat". You do yourself no favors by extending yourself out this far for a sick person. And I'd also be willing to bet you know this intellectually but you're petrified of what will happen if you walk away.

So what happens if you walk away? Simple: whatever is supposed to happen. You can't help him. He has to want to embrace recovery, and if he chooses that, he's in for a long, long haul. None of this is in your control.

You can, however, help yourself, if you so choose. Coming here's a good first step. I would encourage you to read all the posts and sticky notes you can, specifically "What Addicts Do". And I would also encourage you to attend a local Al Anon and/or Nar Anon meeting so you can begin the work of healing yourself and learning to stand on your own.

Please keep us posted as to how you're doing.

Best,
ZoSo

meadowsis

You mentioned you thought he was at rock bottom, that is definitely something he will have to decide for himself. I THOUGHT my heroin addicted brother was at rock bottom 18 months ago. He had no work as he had burned all his connections, he was getting evicted, he totaled his truck, he was depressed and talking suicide and he was in collections for 10's of thousands of dollars...I TRULY thought he was at the bottom.

Guess what, he wasn't even close. He is still finding his bottom. He is now in jail the second time, he is homeless (unless you count jail as a home), and he has a bunch of felony charges. He lost most everything he owns at a room he was renting that he didn't return to (avoiding warrants), etc etc.

So I wouldn't make the assumption he is ready to change. Your best bet, work on yourself and start putting up boundaries. The only thing you can control is what you yourself do (I am still learning this one myself, but getting there).

sleepyskye

Thank you to everyone who has replied. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to best approach the rehab conversation?

Thanks

Impurrfect

((sleepskye)) - Welcome to SR, though sorry for what has brought you here.

FWIW, I'm both a recovering addict (RA) and a recovering codependent (codie) who had/has loved ones who are addicts (As).

As far as the rehab question? If you tell him "go to rehab or we are done" you need to follow through with your end if he doesn't go. I couldn't do that, for literal decades

I strongly suggest you read around this forum. You have 9 months invested in this relationship, there are people here who have years and kids are involved. NOT to minimalize your situation, merely want to point out what your future may entail.

I will tell you this. Had someone been giving me money for gas or whatever? I'd have used it for drugs, and I'd STILL be addicted, not going on 6 years in recovery. I will also tell you that I'm guilty of giving my ex-addict-bf (XABF) money while in jail, and I shouldn't have done it. The moment he was out? He went back to using. He eventually died from the addiction we shared, though I chose recovery.

He will not quit until he is darned good and ready, and there is nothing you can do about it. I don't mean to sound all doom-and-gloom, but it's the reality of addiction.

I also highly suggest you go to a dr. and get checked for HIV, hepatitis and STDs. No matter what an A tells you, they will do whatever they need to for their fix...and that includes sharing needles. Been there, done that, am extremely grateful that I am negative for all of the above.

Please, keep reading and posting. I was nowhere near letting my A deal with his life or his consequences until I kept reading/posting here. This is your life, sweetie. Addiction is a lifelong thing. Yep, I've got years in recovery, but I'm still one bad decision away from going back to that life. I'm good, solid in my recovery, but it took quite a while to prove that to those who love me, and they still have this hidden fear that I may go back out at some point. I hate it, I would do anything to erase my past, but I can't. All I can do is live my life in recovery, every single day.

I will also say that I am extremely grateful to my loved ones for letting me fall flat on my face, deal with all the consequences, and find my way back to life. If it weren't for them, I'd probably still be using, in prison, or be dead.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Lily1918

I would like to add, that even if you are positive he is not using needles, It is possible that he might have shared a straw for snorting pills that are also opiates just like heroin. In some places and with certain people they are easier to get than the "real" stuff. STDS can be transmitted this way too, through broken blood vessels in the nose.

sleepyskye

Thanks, I feel like I should note that he only smokes it

Impurrfect

((sleepskye)) - My stepsister "only" snorted it, until she started shooting up. As will lie, and even if he isn't lying, it would be best to get yourself checked.

Again, I don't mean to sound all doom-and-gloom, but I know that As are not very good at telling the truth. If you had asked me if I shot up crack or anything else? I'd have sworn, on my LIFE, that I didn't. I did.

We care about you, *I* care about you, and I don't want to scare you off, but a heroin addiction is pretty serious.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Lily1918

ewww have you ever seen him load a tray??? I still don't use tinfoil for cooking.... maybe that's just me. I remember smelling it in the bathroom. :,( I had a thanksgiving size roll disappear in two weeks.

sleepyskye

Yes ive seen him load a tray. and yes, the sight of tin foil freaks me out...

tjp613

You realize, of course, that since he has been using ever since you've been together that you really don't know him.....right? My son uses heroin to escape the emotional challenges in his life. He has the emotional maturity of a 14 year old. Take away the heroin and he's lost. He has no idea how to manage the ups and downs of every-day life without the crutch of drugs. He's a sweet, gentle guy but beyond that he is most definitely not the type of person I would choose for a life partner.

Just my $0.02.