allysen

That about sums it up. My AH relapsed at xmas after 4 months of sobriety. For him, four months was a major accomplishment and I was starting to be hopeful about our future together. Then he relapsed and has been unable to gain sobriety again despite daily AA meetings, and seeing both a psychologist and psychiatrist. As of today, he's right back to where he started (ie. memory loss, injuries, debt, damage to the house, not going to work, etc.).

As for me, I've been handling it much better than I did in the past. I thank Al-Anon for this. I've built up a great support system, I'm taking time for myself, and I really feel happy despite his drinking. However, I feel myself slipping again into blaming, anger, etc. I don't want to be that person again. Most of all, I don't want my kids exposed to their dad as this disease progresses (which it appears to be very very rapidly) and he loses all control.

I've been toying with the idea of separating since June. A few weeks ago, I made an appointment with a lawyer. I had planned to ask what my options were for leaving and buying my own home with our kids (ages 3yrs & 3 months) if I needed to. As of today, I know I need to and that this appointment will result in a draft of a separation agreement.

For those who left, did you feel relief when you made the commitment to leave? That's how I feel, but I don't know if its real or if I'm just escaping into fantasy. My only fear is that my 3yr old is going to be traumatized by our separation if we don't do it right.

CentralOhioDad

Having a 3 year old myself, I'm interested to see how all this plays out for you. In my situation, my AW doesn't start drinking until after he's in bed, so he's not been exposed to seeing her over-indulged.

C-OH Dad

Audrey1

I'm sorry I don't have anything to offer in terms of advice. Just wanted to say congratulations to you, allysen. You sound like a really strong woman with a really clear head in all of this. It's definitely something I aspire to.

I wish you the best of luck.

Tuffgirl

Prayers and hugs today. The decision to leave is a very personal one. I know at first I was very torn, but the peace that came with leaving and having my own space was worth it in the end. No matter what it will be painful, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Keep us posted,
~T

dollydo

i cannot tell you the answer to your question, all I can tell you is that as a child, living in the home of a alcoholic, I knew that something was very wrong at a very young age, I just couldn't verbalize my fears. The longer I was exposed to the addiction the more depressed and fearful I became.

I would have rather been raised by one good responsible parent rather than spend another day in that toxic home. Children carry their childhood into adulthood, they hear and see everything.

Your child is young, the sooner you get him/her out of that enviornment, the less the child will be traumatized.

Keep posting, it will help.

Recovering2

There is no right or wrong answer here. Sounds like you've worked on you, and thought this through. With respect to your children, I would offer that any trauma caused by separation would pale in comparison to the trauma of growing up with an active alcoholic parent. Prayers and Hugs .....

LexieCat

I found decision making to be a HUGE relief. Sitting on that fence was what was getting to me.

It's funny, but I felt the same sense of relief making the decision to leave my alcoholic husband that I felt the day I made the decision to quit drinking. In both cases, I surrendered to my powerlessness over alcohol, and found a tremendous freedom and weight lifted from my shoulders.

dandylion

Dear allysen, I felt tremendous relief after I made the decision to divorce my first husband.
He was not an alcoholic--but he was a very controlling narcissist. I had three small children at the time.

Ironically, I was prepared that it would be hard---but, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. It was such a relief not to have the daily aggravation!!

That said, everyone is different. I think many people experience days when self-soubt and "guilt" threaten to undermine confidence in their decisions. I think mothers, especially experience feelings of guilt. Don't let that derail you.

My best suggestion is to draw your support system very close. This forum will be a good part of your support system--post as often as you want to. Consider alanon and read everything you can get your hands on. Talk only to those who have your welfare at heart.

Best of luck. To thine own self be true. You have a right to be happy and your child has a right to live in a stable and peaceful environment.

sincerely, dandylion

leighr

Like dollydo, I grew up in an alcoholic home. I can't remember much of my childhood, but the one thing I do remember is wishing my mother would take us out of the situation. I grew up to marry an alcoholic and struggled for years with the decision to leave. I finally made that decision 8 months ago after 13 years with him. My 7 year old deserves a better life than I had growing up and a better life than we were living with him.

Was it hard to do? Yes. Is it still hard? Yes. Is there relief? YES!! I have not started Al-Anon yet, but I am in counseling and that has helped tremendously. In the beginning of the separation I was an absolute wreck. Today I feel like a new person.

Your children will adjust easier at this age than if they were older. If I have any regrets about leaving it would most likely be that I did not do it sooner for her sake. My daughter is adjusting, but it is hard for her since my AH doesn't want to spend any time with her.

I hope all goes well with you. There is sanity out there, you just have to escape the insanity to find it.

Aleksandra

I think you are wise to consider leaving,Allysen,as some other members have suggested.I wish you well.

jessiec

God bless you and your child. You will be OK!

Rosiepetal

It sounds like you're in a good headspace to make this decision. Good for you for focusing on yourself & becoming stronger.
Making a healthy choice for your children is so important.
Separation is hard but given time everyone does adjust.
My kids were 3 & 6 when my 20 yr marriage ended.
They are now 9 & 12 & are thriving.
Hugs to you.

redatlanta

I haven't had your experience but agree with all the above and Lexie - Limbo is a terrible state to live in.

If I had children I wouldn't want them exposed to an alcoholic.

best of luck ((((hugs))))

allysen

Thanks to everyone for the replies. Lawyer appt is tomorrow. I talked to my parents again last night and they are supportive as always, as are my friends. I don't know why I doubt myself sometimes. Everyone is reacting as if leaving him has always been the most obvious thing to do. And there was a lot of stuff I didn't even tell them. I don't plan to tell AH's parents - he can do that.

AH informed me this morning that he was prescribed Antabuse and it will arrive tomorrow. I know he hopes this will stop me from leaving. And I admit part of me was tempted to hold off for a bit. But then I realized that I was, like so many times before, allowing my life to be dictated by his drinking and choices. Like when I let his decision to enter rehab convince me to stay last year. So I'm staying the course.

CentralOhioDad

Good Luck to you! I admire your strength and determination - inspiration to many of us here.

C-OH Dad

ODAT63

It is very painful, but like many said I too wished I left years earlier. In my case he left, my HP did for me what I could not do for myself. I admire your courage. Courage is fear that said its prayer.
If you are happy, your children will be happy.

NewbieJ

YES. Yes, yes, yes.

24Years

I wanted to leave for a good year before I did. When things weren't going well, I would go buy myself something I needed for the move or pack a box to take to my brother's to store until I made the move.

I was so ready to move while looking for a second (part-time) job. The week I landed that job, I moved out. It was a very good feeling to be free of the dysfunction. I have no regrets though I had moments of doubt (any doubts are now in the past). I had no idea how much I was affected by the dysfunctional environment until I moved out and had my own space (and time). It has been 2 years and our divorce is just finally winding down (hoping it doesn't get delayed again).

I was so fortunate to have a legal document in place for my two teens. My AAH (alcohol abusing husband)...I think I just came up with my own term agreed to use a breathalyzer before and after each visit (we started out with one over night every other weekend). He was supposed to go into treatment if he failed (the mediators idea) but he hasn't done that (failed twice now). As a result, it looks like I will now get full custody since my AAH is still in denial that he has a drinking problem. It was a win, win for me and my two teens. This coming from a situation where AAH has never had a DUI, never missed work, etc.

searching4mysel

I also grew up in an alcoholic home and knew something was very very wrong even though I could not articulate it. I grew up to have my own substance abuse issues and marry an alcohol who I am now trying to leave. I think you are wise to consider this while your children are young. I am in a similar place and hope we can support one another.

allysen

Thanks again everyone. I saw the lawyer and it went well. Basically, I'm free to obtain a home of my own if I want but she made a few points about why it would be a better idea to try to get AH to leave our current home. And apparently if he loses his job, I could owe him spousal support so the sooner we get a separation agreement signed the better.

AH has been at detox since Friday. He's due to come home tomorrow. We've talked briefly on the phone but I feel like he doesn't get it that I don't want to be with him anymore. Could be my own fault for how many times I've threatened to leave in the past and never did it. We still need to have a serious discussion.

24Years said, "I had no idea how much I was affected by the dysfunctional environment until I moved out and had my own space (and time)." Space and time is exactly what I need and crave right now for the same reasons. I have a feeling once I am free from the cloud of manipulation and my own anxiety, I will see things for what they really are.