eveleivibe

Been thinking lately how nice it is helping n being there for others. When i do this I feel like my existence os worth something n that I'm not completely useless. Does anyone else feel like this? I love trying to help others, please them n make them feel good n like it when they are happy with me n see what I've done for them. Like when my brother lost his phone i gave him my old iPhone 4s n was so very pleased because he was happy n like to give my mam flowers because its nice seeing her happy.

Although in a negative way my friends only seemed to be around me when they were lonely n not much was going on for them. I find making friends difficult so secretly i liked this as i knew they wanted me in their life. After having my child my 'friends' were 'busy with work etc.'. I did not mind this until i saw picture of them all out with each other, going on holidays together. When these people were lonely they needed me I mattered n was wanted.

I hate confrontation n usually if someone is annoyed with me I go out of my way to rectify things n try to please them n put it right (i love Facebook because i can be the opposite of this - i can argue my point n be as confrontational as I want ya know like the lemonade bottle where the poo wants out n is shook n the instead of coming out slowly, simply explodes everywhere!). As for pleasing people especially my parents I've kind of always been this way.

Mind you not sure i was this way in my relationships. Both my relationships were with men who had Aspergers Syndrome: the first 1 (A) i did not know until after who had broke up but I am really ashamed of the way I treated him. I was very controlling n nasty with him. I wanted everything my way. I don't know why I was this way. I got obsessed with eBay at one point n completely ignored him. I thought he was a spoilt brat n tbh only really had him move in with me because i thought financially things would be better. I don't think I really ever 'loved him he was just very useful n i was so ashamed of my behaviour. I tried to tell my family how i was with him but as they'd found out something he'd done which i cannot disclose here, did not believe me n hated him.

So when i got with B I let him be controlling with me because I felt that I deserved it. I believe that B was a sex addict n because of the way he behaved I now have issues with sex n men. I lashed out at a male friend that i text, the other day n all he did was tell me that he'd had sex with his ex. It kind of triggered me how my ex used to text me about women. Anyway this person that i text is the only one I've told about this codeine thing so i don't think it was fair of me to rip into him saying that all men are sex-obsessed, manipulative, lying users who hurt ppl n walk away not caring about any of the damage they leave behind for others to deal with. He is still talking to me but God knows why.
My ex is now in jail as far as i know n i just hope he stays there because he can't hurt anyone know n that's the one good thing about all this.

I was reading this Melanie Beatie book called The New Codependency, fpr some reason, (only bits of it) n she wrote something about guilt n anger being the same thing. I can relate to this. I think the horrible black smoke anger i ferl is guilt. I always compare myself to other mams n feel that no matter what I do or how hard I try I am not as good mam as them. Every time i hesr their stories the anger builds up in me n I hate it. I hear a lot of this on Facebook n have tried so many times to deactivate. But then i feel lonely.

And now I've found this place n there's all these people here (a lot of people) n i can help them n be useful again n matter n make friends with people. It ferl good that I feel in control n i can be of use to people, help them n it means I've done something useful n can be proud of myself

Thanks for reading.
Hope you're all ok.
Evey