773niki

Hi all,

I'm 101 days sober and very grateful to be here and alive for that matter!

I got a sponsor this time and I've been going to tons of meetings but I have a question.

I went to 90 meetings in 90 days successfully...and now I'm having a hard time going! It's really scaring me because I was so diligent for the first 3 months. Don't get me wrong, it's only been a week after my 90 and I've gone to 4 meetings...is that bad/a bad sign? Should I make myself go to more?

Also, I'm on step 4 with my sponsor and I do not have any idea why, but I've been procrastinating like crazy!!!! I don't feel fear or anxiety and I think about my resentments, but for some reason, putting them on paper is proving to be a difficult task.

Has anyone else had these experiences and would be willing to share some courses of action that worked for them?

Thanks so much!

SDSurfn

I recently finished step 5.

And yes, I completely relate to what you're feeling. I also procrastinated with my step 4. You're right, it's not fun putting all that stuff out there, on paper.

But I can say, having done my 5th step with my sponsor, I feel a sense of relief, and belonging.

I've heard it said that steps 4 and 5 are where the healing begins, I think there's truth in that (although I am not minimizing steps 1-3!)

My advice is simply, push through step 4 and then sit down with your sponsor for step 5, I think you'll find some real relief.

Also, I only have 151 days, so I'm no expert, but I believe the program is more than meetings. Meetings are great of course, for the fellowship, but the healing is in the steps. Try not to worry yourself about the number of meetings you attend. I think you know inside how many meetings you need. It's different for everyone.

All the best,

SD

Music

It's easy to tell someone about the bad stuff. It's another thing to write the bad stuff down, knowing full well you're going to have to sit down and talk about it.

Some say, "why write it" or "God knows, why should I tell another human being? It's called HUMILITY!!

Get some paper and a writing utensil and get busy. Once you start, it'll get easier.

paulokes

Not unusual this Niki but there aren't any special answers that I know of...step 4 forces us to sit down and get to the heart of the matter, something some of us have been putting off for a LOOOOONG time!

Follow directions, whatever you've been given. I was told 4 columns, start with the first go right the way down. Keep going, momentum's important...fellowship and meetings kept me going when I needed a little extra power.

P

paul99

Your question regarding the amount of meetings you're going to reminds me of another reason why I am not a proponent of the "90 in 90" slogan / jingle. The idea that something magical will happen after meeting number 90 often lets down the person who just did this marathon session in the rooms. While it's great to be there, great to hear the message, great to get to know others, great to find a sponsor, etc. the idea that perhaps an epiphany will occur to the person who hits 90 may not occur to the person who gets to 75 meetings in that time is folly. I understand the idea behind this - get a new habit started, get into AA, etc. but I still was crazy as bat-you-know-what doing even more than double that. The fundamental issue isn't whether you are "good" or "bad" by only hitting 4 meetings this week (which is a lot of meetings), but how are you in the steps? How are you doing in service to others? How are you with keeping conscious contact with your Higher Power?

Comparing myself to others and their programs brought me nothing but grief. You obviously mention step 4 and the difficulties there, so you are obviously working the program. Now this is where rubber hits the road. I had to focus working the steps and not working the fellowship. That is what got me through everything.

Great advise as to the fourth. I have two sponsees trying to eke it out as well. Pray, ask for guidance, be clear on your sponsor's instructions and make time for it. don't wait for "inspiration" - it's buckle down time

sugarbear1

Alkies have a hard time meeting personal commitments.

It was suggested to me to commit to a specific number of meetings to make each week and to make that commitment happen each week.

Have you committed to a date and time for step 5? That might help you to get through step 4. Stalling on this step or any others after this is not a good thing to do as I have witnessed people relapsing by not completing these major steps.

Sobriety is about action. Is it now time to act?

Just do it. You will feel sooooo much better!!!

773niki

Thanks all! I totally understand where you are coming from. The numbers game isn't important - quality vs. quantity. I get it. Thanks for the advice/learned experiences.

I've been chugging away on step 4 (chugging, haha) and it is hard. I feel like a bad person when I get gut-wrechingly honest with myself, which I failed to do a few weeks ago. I had "surface" resentments and couldn't find my part...which is probably typical alcoholic behavior. But, I'm getting down and dirty and it's pouring out. Hopefully this all pays off because it's going to be hard to confess these things to another human being!

And I like the idea of setting a date for step 5 - I think I need a deadline!

Thanks again guys!

omegasupreme

Meetings are great. Getting in the habit of routinely attending is also a discipline, which I lacked when I arrived in AA. Should your reliance be upon them? It can be, but historically when my reliance is upon things human, like meetings, ultimately I fall. I have experiences where I would attend 3 a day and still drink. I needed something with a bit more power, I needed union with God. So where and how do I find that?

I rotted, literally, in my first 4th step for about 4 months. I would have said the same, no fear, no anxiety, blah de blah de blah...and that was all a lie. I had no clue what I was doing but I darn sure didn't want to face all that stuff that step 4 asked me to look at. I was so riddled with fear I couldn't hardly see, hear, or think straight. I had no clue how loud it was in my head until the noise began to fade. How did it fade? How did I find union with God? The steps. The 11th step mentions conscious contact. The first 9 remove the block so I can attain such contact with that power.

Our text suggests that when we don't have the willingness for a course of action that we pray for willingness. I have to get real humble before I do that. I like to think I always have 100% willingness to do the things necessary for my growth. It's a lie, I don't always have it.

So, when the willingness finally showed up I can promise you that you could read my inventory on nearly every piece of paper in the notebook. i was applying so much force to the pen it wasn't even funny. I like to get lost in semantics too. Like, should I type it? Is my hand writing good? Cursive? Print? Blue ink or black? None of that really matters. What matters is did I do it to the very best that I could at that very moment? It turns out I did. My first one was really short. Eventually more was revealed and I have since written plenty more inventories. Don't beat yourself up buddy. Do the very best you can when you can with what you have to work with. The steps will meet you wherever you are!

Congrats on looking at the big chunks of truth you are about to see. Stick around and feel free to hit us up with anymore questions.

muvinon

One column at a time........worked for me.

bbthumper

The 4th step, like all the others, is sooo much harder to think about doing than it is to just do it.

Balking at a step is common and it seems to be the result of a loss of desparation that we feel with step 1. Try to revisit that. Ask yourself if you really believe your life depends on a spiritual awakening. Do you believe that if you fail to open the channel between you and your Higher Power that the insanity of alcohol will return and you will drink?

The idea is to keep your 1st step current. its hard to keep the motivation to do the foot work based on the 1st step we took at the beginning.

Best wishes!