Looking for Your ESH and Insight
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Looking for Your ESH and Insight
When things are not going well in my life, especially in my marriage - I have a tendency to make a conscious decision to be miserable. It feels completely uncomfortable to stay balanced and stay in a good frame of mind although I try to.
It is almost like that little voice in my head tells me I am not allowed to be happy at this point. I am learning to ignore that voice but I still find it a struggle and very unnatural.
My husband, on the other hand, has always been able to "carry on" as usual; golf, out with friends, work, etc. I have always found this shocking. But my therapist told me that is actually healthy and that people should be able to have 2 different emotions simultaneously.
I don't know where I learned such unhealthy thinking but I do know that I need to "unlearn" it and change.
P.S. When my kids were younger, I would make great efforts to fake or hide my true feelings, put on a happy face and keep my mood in check - but I think they always sensed I was really in a bad or hurt mood and that just breaks my heart. I think at times they walked on egg shells and at other times, took advantage of it and knew I was more willing to say "yes" to their requests. I realize now, I even bought them off. ughhhhh!!
Anybody have any suggestions or insight of this kind of unhealthy thinking or tips to help me change my thinking. I am learning to "fake it" but its not real or sincere.
It is almost like that little voice in my head tells me I am not allowed to be happy at this point. I am learning to ignore that voice but I still find it a struggle and very unnatural.
My husband, on the other hand, has always been able to "carry on" as usual; golf, out with friends, work, etc. I have always found this shocking. But my therapist told me that is actually healthy and that people should be able to have 2 different emotions simultaneously.
I don't know where I learned such unhealthy thinking but I do know that I need to "unlearn" it and change.
P.S. When my kids were younger, I would make great efforts to fake or hide my true feelings, put on a happy face and keep my mood in check - but I think they always sensed I was really in a bad or hurt mood and that just breaks my heart. I think at times they walked on egg shells and at other times, took advantage of it and knew I was more willing to say "yes" to their requests. I realize now, I even bought them off. ughhhhh!!
Anybody have any suggestions or insight of this kind of unhealthy thinking or tips to help me change my thinking. I am learning to "fake it" but its not real or sincere.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
LMN,
I hope you find your answers. I don't think I can be of much help to you on this one, as I find people who have constant happy smiles pasted on their faces and refuse never to be anything but upbeat pretty creepy. I also happen to think they make their kids sick. Obviously, I am not on the same page as your therapist.
We are all both dark and light. I so much value authenticity that I am grateful to any friend who is gut honest with me about what he or she is really feeling. Living around addicts was crazy-making and everything was pretense. I want no more of that.
If you were my close friend, I'd love you to be just who you are and to feel just what you feel.
As for your AH: well, for goodness sake, he has an addict's brain. Escape is his MO. I would not use him as my measuring stick!
I hope you find your answers. I don't think I can be of much help to you on this one, as I find people who have constant happy smiles pasted on their faces and refuse never to be anything but upbeat pretty creepy. I also happen to think they make their kids sick. Obviously, I am not on the same page as your therapist.
We are all both dark and light. I so much value authenticity that I am grateful to any friend who is gut honest with me about what he or she is really feeling. Living around addicts was crazy-making and everything was pretense. I want no more of that.
If you were my close friend, I'd love you to be just who you are and to feel just what you feel.
As for your AH: well, for goodness sake, he has an addict's brain. Escape is his MO. I would not use him as my measuring stick!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
I have devotions sprinkled through my busy moms bible, and because we have the same HP I thought I would share this mornings with you. I am still very "newborn" in my recovery, so I hope this helps.
finding joy
"but the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. Against such things there is no law" Relations 5 : 22-23
Joy - true joy - originates from God and from living in close connection with god, not from our immediate situations or emotional states. God wants us to know his joy now. not tomorrow, not when we are healed, not when sorrow is passed, not when we have become successful, not when our children or spouses change, not when we have lost 10 pounds, not when we have paid off our debt, received a promotion or bought a bigger home, but now. This day! Lasting joy does not reside in gods blessings, gods favor, gods gifts or gods people. It resides in god himself. Take time this day to seek the lord and draw on him to find your joy, for it is your strength.
~ if you have time read galations 5 : 1-26~
Reflect and pray: what is the difference between joy and being happy? to what or to whom do you tend to look as your first source of joy? what are you waiting to overcome or obtain before experiencing gods joy?
I struggle with this badly, but this devotional was awesome to read today! I am going to try to practice what I preach lol!!!!!
:ghug3
finding joy
"but the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. Against such things there is no law" Relations 5 : 22-23
Joy - true joy - originates from God and from living in close connection with god, not from our immediate situations or emotional states. God wants us to know his joy now. not tomorrow, not when we are healed, not when sorrow is passed, not when we have become successful, not when our children or spouses change, not when we have lost 10 pounds, not when we have paid off our debt, received a promotion or bought a bigger home, but now. This day! Lasting joy does not reside in gods blessings, gods favor, gods gifts or gods people. It resides in god himself. Take time this day to seek the lord and draw on him to find your joy, for it is your strength.
~ if you have time read galations 5 : 1-26~
Reflect and pray: what is the difference between joy and being happy? to what or to whom do you tend to look as your first source of joy? what are you waiting to overcome or obtain before experiencing gods joy?
I struggle with this badly, but this devotional was awesome to read today! I am going to try to practice what I preach lol!!!!!
:ghug3
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
My great grandfather died of a heart attach after he and my Nana celebrated their 50 wedding anniversary waltz. He died right on the dance floor with over 500 family members and friends watched in horror. My loving, all Italian Nana wore black every day after until she passed away. Despite other family members attempts to change her new "dress code", she was adamant about wearing only black.
IMO, it almost seems like woman have been "conditioned" for generations to express our sadness in one way or another.
Pre-addiction, during active addiction, withdrawals, and/or recovery, my husband has never missed a day of work. He doesn't miss meetings, therapist appointments or other planned activities. Unlike me, he doesn't make excuses why he can't or won't go. I have always looked at it more of a "man thing" then an addiction thing.
I, personally, think allowing my emotions to dictate my day has been a very unhealthy way to live. I would really like to learn how "carry on" despite how I am emotionally feeling.
IMO, it almost seems like woman have been "conditioned" for generations to express our sadness in one way or another.
Pre-addiction, during active addiction, withdrawals, and/or recovery, my husband has never missed a day of work. He doesn't miss meetings, therapist appointments or other planned activities. Unlike me, he doesn't make excuses why he can't or won't go. I have always looked at it more of a "man thing" then an addiction thing.
I, personally, think allowing my emotions to dictate my day has been a very unhealthy way to live. I would really like to learn how "carry on" despite how I am emotionally feeling.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Once I learned to acknowledge and accept that at a particular moment or part of the day my emotions were in the toilet, and it was the acceptance more than the acknowledgement something else became very very apparent to me.
If I did not have bad days or parts of bad days, how in the hell was I going to know when I was have a 'good' day as I would have nothing to compare it to?
Like EG I cannot tolerate for too long folks who always have a 'smile' on their face and are always 'acting' cheery. It just rubs on me because I believe I can sense the insincerity in their demeanor.
There are times when I have to give myself a 'talking to' out loud, lol ie:
"ok laurie, now you are in a very rotten mood, so how long are you going to sit on the pity pot? how long are you going to make yourself miserable? how about I give you another 30 minutes, then you go outside, preferably with the dogs and breath in some of that fresh air and get a grip on yourself."
Funny, but even my dogs can sense my mood swings and if it is a bad one they are less inclined to come to me for petting and playing. Thus, by talking to ME I can get me out of that 'dark' place, out into the light and end up playing with the dogs, who btw always have a way, with their antics of making me smile!
This is something you might to want to write about in your journal and then share those writings with your therapist.
Love and hugs,
If I did not have bad days or parts of bad days, how in the hell was I going to know when I was have a 'good' day as I would have nothing to compare it to?
Like EG I cannot tolerate for too long folks who always have a 'smile' on their face and are always 'acting' cheery. It just rubs on me because I believe I can sense the insincerity in their demeanor.
There are times when I have to give myself a 'talking to' out loud, lol ie:
"ok laurie, now you are in a very rotten mood, so how long are you going to sit on the pity pot? how long are you going to make yourself miserable? how about I give you another 30 minutes, then you go outside, preferably with the dogs and breath in some of that fresh air and get a grip on yourself."
Funny, but even my dogs can sense my mood swings and if it is a bad one they are less inclined to come to me for petting and playing. Thus, by talking to ME I can get me out of that 'dark' place, out into the light and end up playing with the dogs, who btw always have a way, with their antics of making me smile!
This is something you might to want to write about in your journal and then share those writings with your therapist.
Love and hugs,
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
When things are not going well in my life, especially in my marriage - I have a tendency to make a conscious decision to be miserable. It feels completely uncomfortable to stay balanced and stay in a good frame of mind although I try to.
It is almost like that little voice in my head tells me I am not allowed to be happy at this point. I am learning to ignore that voice but I still find it a struggle and very unnatural.
My husband, on the other hand, has always been able to "carry on" as usual; golf, out with friends, work, etc. I have always found this shocking. But my therapist told me that is actually healthy and that people should be able to have 2 different emotions simultaneously.
I don't know where I learned such unhealthy thinking but I do know that I need to "unlearn" it and change.
P.S. When my kids were younger, I would make great efforts to fake or hide my true feelings, put on a happy face and keep my mood in check - but I think they always sensed I was really in a bad or hurt mood and that just breaks my heart. I think at times they walked on egg shells and at other times, took advantage of it and knew I was more willing to say "yes" to their requests. I realize now, I even bought them off. ughhhhh!!
Anybody have any suggestions or insight of this kind of unhealthy thinking or tips to help me change my thinking. I am learning to "fake it" but its not real or sincere.
It is almost like that little voice in my head tells me I am not allowed to be happy at this point. I am learning to ignore that voice but I still find it a struggle and very unnatural.
My husband, on the other hand, has always been able to "carry on" as usual; golf, out with friends, work, etc. I have always found this shocking. But my therapist told me that is actually healthy and that people should be able to have 2 different emotions simultaneously.
I don't know where I learned such unhealthy thinking but I do know that I need to "unlearn" it and change.
P.S. When my kids were younger, I would make great efforts to fake or hide my true feelings, put on a happy face and keep my mood in check - but I think they always sensed I was really in a bad or hurt mood and that just breaks my heart. I think at times they walked on egg shells and at other times, took advantage of it and knew I was more willing to say "yes" to their requests. I realize now, I even bought them off. ughhhhh!!
Anybody have any suggestions or insight of this kind of unhealthy thinking or tips to help me change my thinking. I am learning to "fake it" but its not real or sincere.
Without going too far down this road...I truly dislike Christmas, for a number of reasons which I would get into. And as the holidays approached this past year, my sense of dread kicked in...
...and then there was a little voice in my head that said, Wait a second. You have a choice here. You can make the holidays as good or as bad as you wish it to be. As soon as I figured out that I had that choice, I chose to make the holidays tolerable. And it was empowering, LMN.
Whenever you have a choice to make things either easier or harder for yourself, just choose the former. It's that simple.
Best,
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I rely heavily on gratitude lists. They help me recognize that just because one part of my life isn't going the way I want it to, it doesn't mean that my entire life is screwed up.
I have so much to be grateful for. I accept that my life does not need to be perfect - that problems will come and go but truly, I am blessed in many ways. That's not faking it.
When I'm particularly unhappy about something, I say the serenity prayer. Then I think about the situation. Is it really my problem or am I stepping out of my hula hoop? If it is my problem, what steps can I take to make things better? I try to own the solutions and work towards them - one step at a time. As long as I am making progress towards my bigger goals, the little setbacks don't bother me as much.
I have so much to be grateful for. I accept that my life does not need to be perfect - that problems will come and go but truly, I am blessed in many ways. That's not faking it.
When I'm particularly unhappy about something, I say the serenity prayer. Then I think about the situation. Is it really my problem or am I stepping out of my hula hoop? If it is my problem, what steps can I take to make things better? I try to own the solutions and work towards them - one step at a time. As long as I am making progress towards my bigger goals, the little setbacks don't bother me as much.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Johnston, RI
Posts: 16
"My husband, on the other hand, has always been able to "carry on" as usual; golf, out with friends, work, etc. I have always found this shocking. But my therapist told me that is actually healthy and that people should be able to have 2 different emotions simultaneously." ZoSo
...It might be healthy for the one who carries on like that but for me it was really irritating that my AH could go about the day like that. It was because he was on the oxys that put him in his fantasyland and I was the one living in the reality of it all sober as as can be. I remarked more than once I was going to have to get on drugs myself to deal with all the crazyness.
LadybugRI
...It might be healthy for the one who carries on like that but for me it was really irritating that my AH could go about the day like that. It was because he was on the oxys that put him in his fantasyland and I was the one living in the reality of it all sober as as can be. I remarked more than once I was going to have to get on drugs myself to deal with all the crazyness.
LadybugRI
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Possibly you have too much time on your hands, he works, when I worked I had less time to mull things, over and over again.
Isn't there a saying..."An idle mind is the devils workshop"? Or something like that.
If you do not want to work, then why not look into volunteering?
Isn't there a saying..."An idle mind is the devils workshop"? Or something like that.
If you do not want to work, then why not look into volunteering?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I second the gratitude list. I often go through what I am thankful for in my head, and that usually improves my mood.
I have some guided meditations that I do, and they often suggest to feel everything--how do you feel, what do you sense--you don't have to push away those bad feelings. Just feel them, but do not follow the train of thought about those feelings. I think by labeling feelings as bad, we try to avoid those bad feelings. This makes it worse. By facing them and really accepting the feeling, you feel better.
I am all for "acting as if." Sometimes, I ask myself what I would do if my RABF didn't have an addiction problem. That helps me go ahead and do the things that make me feel well, without feeling the need to stew over problems. On the other hand, I think it is important to be genuine. I often pray for acceptance of my reality.
Any time you can focus on the here and now, it helps. My animals also remind me by surrounding me and wanting attention. It helps me stop worrying about the past and future and start thinking about what is going in right now.
Of course, the usual things are also very important--sleep, exercise, healthy food.
I have some guided meditations that I do, and they often suggest to feel everything--how do you feel, what do you sense--you don't have to push away those bad feelings. Just feel them, but do not follow the train of thought about those feelings. I think by labeling feelings as bad, we try to avoid those bad feelings. This makes it worse. By facing them and really accepting the feeling, you feel better.
I am all for "acting as if." Sometimes, I ask myself what I would do if my RABF didn't have an addiction problem. That helps me go ahead and do the things that make me feel well, without feeling the need to stew over problems. On the other hand, I think it is important to be genuine. I often pray for acceptance of my reality.
Any time you can focus on the here and now, it helps. My animals also remind me by surrounding me and wanting attention. It helps me stop worrying about the past and future and start thinking about what is going in right now.
Of course, the usual things are also very important--sleep, exercise, healthy food.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
as a codie, I like to help people, it brings me joy. therefore I have thrown myself into helping children who are in foster care. this week I am making purses for teenage girls who get to come and "go shopping" at the church for free. I also make baby hats for the NICU at the hospital, and spend time volunteering at the crisis pregnancy center. between me and god, he is teaching me through these things, "well you love to help. I created you that way. No it was wrong for you to try to help your BF, only I can help him, but it is never ever wrong to help these children, they need adults in thier lives to show them love." He is teaching me IMHO that helping drug addicted adults is wrong, I will find no joy in that, instead, help these foster children, many of whom have addicted parents.... Idk Im rambling, but just trying to share a place where I have found joy and even happiness.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
LMN - Hello dear what has worked for me is getting myself to a place where I ask - is this situation really worth so much energy? or does this thing or person deserve so much of my energy? Am I going to give this person or situation so much power over my serenity or happiness. Not sure if it would work for you. Hope it helps and hang in there momma -
what has worked for me is getting myself to a place where I ask - is this situation really worth so much energy? or does this thing or person deserve so much of my energy? Am I going to give this person or situation so much power over my serenity or happiness. Not sure if it would work for you. Hope it helps and hang in there momma -
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
LMAO with what English Garden wrote…“I find people who have constant happy smiles pasted on their faces and refuse never to be anything but upbeat pretty creepy.”
Reminds me of my road trip west, once we got to the other side of Chicago, people were just to damn happy and friendly. It was very strange and very creepy, even the kids were freaked out.
Lovemenow…Have you ever let the day run you, instead of you running the day. Start the day, no expectations, clear your head and just be … go out, be random, crank up the radio, see things, people watch, explore, even it if the clothes rack of your favorite store. Be in life as much as you can, you don’t have to really participate in anything specific, , just be there and be open for it and it tends to come. See if anything lights you up…cause I am sure you have something that lights you up.
The darker days I don’t mind, they feed my creative side very well….a negative into a positive???
I have accepted that life will be what it is and I have no control of how the day moves from minute to minute but all the control in the world to how I react to each minute as they tick by. It tends to keep me in the moment, and reminds me to not waste time!
Why do you think your little voice tells you, you can’t be happy?
Reminds me of my road trip west, once we got to the other side of Chicago, people were just to damn happy and friendly. It was very strange and very creepy, even the kids were freaked out.
Lovemenow…Have you ever let the day run you, instead of you running the day. Start the day, no expectations, clear your head and just be … go out, be random, crank up the radio, see things, people watch, explore, even it if the clothes rack of your favorite store. Be in life as much as you can, you don’t have to really participate in anything specific, , just be there and be open for it and it tends to come. See if anything lights you up…cause I am sure you have something that lights you up.
The darker days I don’t mind, they feed my creative side very well….a negative into a positive???
I have accepted that life will be what it is and I have no control of how the day moves from minute to minute but all the control in the world to how I react to each minute as they tick by. It tends to keep me in the moment, and reminds me to not waste time!
Why do you think your little voice tells you, you can’t be happy?
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Why do you think your little voice tells you, you can’t be happy?
I really don't know and will explore that further in therapy. However, I can see now how I have "outsourced" my happiness or unhappiness for way too long. I need to stop it!!!
No matter how hard I try or think I am doing better in my recovery, I can still see where my husbands recovery or lack of is controlling my emotions. Its the same old - "if he is doing good, I am doing good" thinking. I know this is wrong, I am just struggling to change it.
I really don't know and will explore that further in therapy. However, I can see now how I have "outsourced" my happiness or unhappiness for way too long. I need to stop it!!!
No matter how hard I try or think I am doing better in my recovery, I can still see where my husbands recovery or lack of is controlling my emotions. Its the same old - "if he is doing good, I am doing good" thinking. I know this is wrong, I am just struggling to change it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Caucasian;West Coast; Husband sometimes breathes fire; hence his nickname Dragon & mine Mrs. Dragon
Posts: 176
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
My husband, on the other hand, has always been able to "carry on" as usual; golf, out with friends, work, etc. I have always found this shocking. But my therapist told me that is actually healthy and that people should be able to have 2 different emotions simultaneously.
I agree with your therapist. I think in a way you have to compartmentalize the negative, and when you do that, it reduces the power it has over you. Of course sometimes something so tragic happens and life does come to a stop for a while, but usually we have to deal with whatever negative has happened and "carry on". I often worry about my son, and Im not ashamed that I have that concern, but it does not overtake me. If I allowed that to happen, then I would miss out on so many wonderful things/people/experiences that come my way everyday. Those things help me keep my life in balance.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Keep working on it LMN. You're doing fine. You're thinking about these things. Acknowledging them. That's a step toward changing them.
I don't think happiness (or serenity) is about an eternal smile. It's as much about not letting yourself be jerked around by euphoric highs as it is about not being jerked around by decimating lows. It's been about taking control of my emotional state.....something that I didn't think was possible.
I have found a pretty nice middle ground after much work going through the exact same questions and soul searching. It doesn't mean that I never get really happy or really low......it's just a nice place to reside most of the time. And it does take work for me. It's not something that comes naturally but I have found that it gets easier with time and practice.
Personally, I saw it as a personal defect of mine....and I ask for help from God to remove my character defects. And I ask daily because they'll crop back up like a noxious weed. It is working for me.
And letting go........for me the inability to concentrate, the highs and lows were about holding on too tight. Trying to control things around me that I didn't have the power to control....that would make me absolutely crazy. Once I understood the power of letting go of that I can't control.....control over what I can came easier.
Be gentle with yourself. Keep working on you. Be patient. The changes that we are capable of making in ourselves is well worth the work. Progress not perfection. And time....it just takes time.
gentle hugs
ke
I don't think happiness (or serenity) is about an eternal smile. It's as much about not letting yourself be jerked around by euphoric highs as it is about not being jerked around by decimating lows. It's been about taking control of my emotional state.....something that I didn't think was possible.
I have found a pretty nice middle ground after much work going through the exact same questions and soul searching. It doesn't mean that I never get really happy or really low......it's just a nice place to reside most of the time. And it does take work for me. It's not something that comes naturally but I have found that it gets easier with time and practice.
Personally, I saw it as a personal defect of mine....and I ask for help from God to remove my character defects. And I ask daily because they'll crop back up like a noxious weed. It is working for me.
And letting go........for me the inability to concentrate, the highs and lows were about holding on too tight. Trying to control things around me that I didn't have the power to control....that would make me absolutely crazy. Once I understood the power of letting go of that I can't control.....control over what I can came easier.
Be gentle with yourself. Keep working on you. Be patient. The changes that we are capable of making in ourselves is well worth the work. Progress not perfection. And time....it just takes time.
gentle hugs
ke
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