Penny2288

I celebrated my first birthday a couple days ago on February 2nd!
It's has been so overwhelming to hear how immensely proud and grateful my family and friends are of me! And I never could've imagined it was possible for my life to be what it is today. It's been such a crazy year in the very best way. And I now experience a level of happiness i never have in my entire life.
I can't help but feel a little sad though now when I think about how amazing this past year has been. I'm full of so many conflicting emotions at once that its a little challenging for me to sift through. Has anyone else experienced this too?
I know that the majority of the sad feelings are largely due to losing a very very close friend I met in rehab, nearly a month ago to a drug overdose. It's the first person I was so close to that has died. And I've processed his death and am grieving him in my own time in a healthy way. I'm actually somewhat grateful that one of the things his passing has shown me is that I am actually quite capable of handling such a difficult situation with drugs. And I was shocked to discover that I had no thoughts of or impulse to use.
Anyways, I will be returning to my treatment center to receive my one year chip from my unbelievably patient, caring, and involved counselors. But I'm not as excited as I imagined I would be for this. Maybe because I feel a little that my friend will not be there when I get it. Not sure exactly why it is I feel guilty about that.
Your thoughts or experiences in dealing with similar experiences would be so appreciated!

Dee74

Hi and congratulations Penny

I can't say I was very excited at one year either - I was finally living the life I always should have been, but I think I felt a little guilty at the 'wasted years', still?

I've resolved that now - I can't change the past no matter how much I want to...and anyway - everything I did, good and bad, has bought me to here, and that's no bad thing.

I also had a little bit of a 'is this it?' feeling.

I guess I thought I'd done a year...and this was my future, forever and ever amen.

I couldn't have been more wrong

I'm nearly up to 6 years now - each year has seen me change and grow and further hone my recovery and redefine my life and myself...

I know now that it's an ongoing, life long, process - I'm happy, I'm joyful and I'm still excited daily by that idea of new growth and new doscoveries

I'm sure given a little time, you'll find that too

I'm sorry for your loss too - I've lost a few people along the way as well, but they live in my heart.

D

Hevyn

Hi Penny.

I agree with what Dee said about the mixed feelings. Happy and grateful on one hand, but still a bit guilty & sorry for myself. It all changed for me, too. Can't say exactly when - but at some point I began to feel joy and hope returning to my life. I stopped feeling remorseful and like I didn't deserve happiness.

I'm sorry about the friend you lost. I hope you will enjoy your moment and not feel bad about him not being there, though. You deserve to be proud of yourself - I'm sure he wouldn't want you to feel bad as you receive your chip. It's a wonderful accomplishment - and life will keep getting better.

Impurrfect

((Penny)) - I'm also with ((Dee)) and we have about the same amount of time in recovery. TBH, I was convinced I was SOOOO much better at 1 year, then year 2 came...then year 3, and so on.

I had mixed emotions, and I think I'm finally past that. What I do know, is that each year I celebrate in recovery is amazing.

I'm so sorry for your friend that you lost. I lost my ex bf, who I shared the addiction with, a few years ago, and though I grieved, I also realized it could have been me.

I honor his life by living in recovery. There are days I "talk" to him, tell him "I'm just going to tuck you into my heart and let you feel how GOOD it feels to be in recovery" and that helps.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

FreeFall

Penny, congratulations on a year. Huge accomplishment! I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend-that would take the wind out of anyone's sails. I'd like to believe that he will be right there with you in spirit when you get the chip and would be cheering for you. It's normal to take stock on any kind of birthday/anniversary. I'm glad you can look back and say it was a great year filled with happiness

artsoul

My first year was anti-climatic, even a bit scary, because it was THE goal I'd wanted to achieve and here I was, still imperfect! It was similar to the feeling I have in the days right after Christmas, like "what do I do now?"

I still get caught up in my thoughts and feelings sometimes, but I've come to trust that these things come and go, and the sun will shine again. There's always something to be grateful for, and I try to remember that when I'm feeling down.

Enough about me...... Congratulations on your year! It really is something to feel good about and proud of. Chances are you'll have some of those good feelings when you walk up to get that chip.:day6