Hi Penny.
I agree with what Dee said about the mixed feelings. Happy and grateful on one hand, but still a bit guilty & sorry for myself. It all changed for me, too. Can't say exactly when - but at some point I began to feel joy and hope returning to my life. I stopped feeling remorseful and like I didn't deserve happiness.
I'm sorry about the friend you lost. I hope you will enjoy your moment and not feel bad about him not being there, though. You deserve to be proud of yourself - I'm sure he wouldn't want you to feel bad as you receive your chip. It's a wonderful accomplishment - and life will keep getting better.