kelleyt

I have been in recovery 13 years i have 2 children 16 and 9 both of my kids fathers are addicts have not talk to or seen my sons father since I got clean nor has he seen his son meet my daughter father in recovery was like a father to my son they got along great sports and everything my daughter father kept relapsing and cheating on me I left him after 5 years then I met my husband who was also in recovery he was on herion I new nothing about herion soon found out he relapsed has a great job my father got him went to rehab twice from work finally he lost his job for good I stuck by him cause I know how it is to be an addict I know people can change but they have to want it I did want it . We bought a house cause he made lots of money he new I could never afford this house on my own with my kids I get no child support shocking right they don't pay it .. My house is in my name like all the bills cause he had no credit .. Now my credit is runied cause he relapsed once again I filed for divorce and spousal support he only paid like 3 times cause he was using living with mommy who new he was getting high but didn't care buys him smokes and feeds him he is 40 .. Finally he went to rehab again I stood by him I let him come home I told him I would think about dropping spousal support if he was sober 6 months to a year the 6 months he was home first three he did not work then when he did work it was off the books told him he needs to get a real job to pay his support he did not want to anyway his mother told me I need to drop not once has she ever called to see how me and my kids are even tho I kept trying to help her son and she new he was using anyway my husband told me 2 days before his 6 months clean that if I don't drop he was leaving I told him that's on him he leaves then goes and drinks for the night but they still think he is clean cause achcol is not a drug to
Them just herion whatever I love my husband very much I started alnon cause I'm losing my mind anyway he went and got a lawyer cause he got arrested for not paying it he mother calls me steaming to get him out of jail I did this we went to court and she paid 2000 to get him out he told me he wants to make this work is not really doing the deal no step work meeting when he can i don't know what to do my son hates him is with my sister my daughter loves him been with him since she was four I will probably loser house and everything else I have worked for but still I love him I have big time codependent issues I see what he could be I guess not what he is dont know what to do anymore I just want to
Give up
Myself I feel like dying I'm in a mess any help or advice

Hanna

Hi KelleyT.
Welcome to Sober Recovery. You have come to the right place to start untangling what probably feels like a mess that can't be fixed.

Is he currently staying with you or not?

Are you actively going to your al-anon meetings?

You will gets lots of helpful advice and support here. Reading the other threads people post in this forum is a good place to start. You might put some paragraph spaces and more periods in your post above to make it easier for people to read. The folks here have so much good help to offer.

Peace and I just said a prayer for you.
Hanna

kelleyt

Thanks no he is not living with me now. He is with his mother who will take care of him.. I'm just so heart broken over this . Mostly that my son now hates me and my daughter he hurt 2 thank you for writing back

Hanna

Your son might be mad now but if you start making changes to create a more stable environment and begin making good decisions it will help him heal and strengthen your relationship with him.

kelleyt

I really I'm trying to the right thing here. I go to alnon every Saturday. I go to my other meeting to I work full time and try and keep it together for my daughter. I don't know if I should just divorce him and lose everything and start over or try to make it work? We are supposed to have a appointment sat for marriage counseling but don't know if it worth it but at least I would know that I have tried everything humanly possible to make it work. My son I miss very much and if I have to chose I will choose my son

hello-kitty

What's the next wise thing you can do to stabilize YOUR life, and protect your daughter and son from the insanity of drug addiction?

If you focus your energies on that, you will not have any regrets.

EnglishGarden

Welcome, kelleyt. You are in fear right now so try to do some deep breathing throughout the day to help with the anxiety. Fear of what might happen can make us ill.

Those of us who have been partners of addicts came to realize that, just as you say, the addict has to work recovery with all his heart and mind and soul in order to change his life. If he isn't doing that, then in my opinion, it is impossible to live a healthy life with him. He will use you like an object and he will disregard you, he will be indifferent to your needs, and he will resent you if you ask him to sacrifice for you in any way.

Love is the mutual valuing of two people for one another, one equally important as the other, both kind and honest with the other, both taking personal responsibility for growth as individuals and as a couple. Addicts absolutely are incapable of any of that.

Your partner is not serious about recovery. He isn't sober-- he's using booze now as his drug of choice (and perhaps other substances you are unaware of).

Most importantly, kelley, he is a con artist. And my belief is that an addict who is still a con artist is an addict who has no interest whatsoever in recovery. Your partner wants the easy road, kelley, and that is pure addict thinking and behavior. He comes first. He wants everything on his terms. He wants mommy to support his addiction. And he betrays every responsibility he has to his family.

No wonder your son has had enough of him. He probably makes your son sick.

You are worthy of being in a relationship with someone who honors you, respects you, and does not abandon you again and again and again.

You are clean and sober. You are a devoted mother. You are a hard worker. You are a grown up.

Keep attending Al-Anon. Get an Al-Anon sponsor or make an Al-Anon friend. Keep going to your addiction recovery meetings and when you hear the 12 Steps--if that is your program--remember that the foundation of those steps is HONESTY.

Your partner is not and apparently has never been in recovery. He still conning his way through life.

It is very hard to love someone when he is perhaps the most dangerous person in one's life.

I would put distance between myself and him, if I were you. And concentrate on bringing healthy people into my life. You have so much to give and you are worth real love.

dollydo

Are you still married to him? I am a little confused, if I understand, he is not the father to your children and he is the third addict you are involved with?

I am trying to get this straight in my head before I respond to your request for help.

Maylie

Welcome to SR KelleyT! This is a really great place to vent and learn from other's experiences.

It sounds like right now you are surrounded with choas and uncertainty. You and your children need a stable eviornment. It sounds like your AH isn't ready to choose sobriety, expecially since he has a mother that is willing to support him and baby him, despite his addiction. It sounds like he is very far from reaching his bottom and turning point.

The good thing is, that unlike your AH, you have been in recovery. You choose sobriety for you and your children; you knew you didn't want your children to grow up in a household for an addict. Take this time to work on your co-dependency issues. Have you thought about some personal counseling for yourself to help you unravel the reasons why you are willing to stay with someone that doesn't treat you right? Or family counseling with you and your two children to help strengthen your bond with them, expecially your son who is very upset about the situation.

I would prob. start saving as much money as I can in case I needed to move because he isn't paying to help support the household. Also, try to look at it this way, if this is as good as it gets, would you be happy living like this the rest of your life. The problem is, we always see our addicts for what we want them to be, we always tell ourselves the future will be different; he'll change, he'll work, he'll get clean, he'll love me and the kids. The truth is, that he might never get clean and he might never be the man he used to be. Life is too short to always be hoping the next year will be better then the last.

Keep reading and posting,

Maylie

Ann

Kelley, the choice is entirely up to you but starting over may be a better life that trying to salvage what is left of the one you are living.

You and your children are the most important people here, take care of yourself and the children and the rest will take care of itself.

You may want to reflect on why you are attracted to men who are addicted. It's far more common than you may think to go from one bad relationship to another. It might be a good time to just take space for yourself and your children to heal and find your balance before even thinking about the future.

I'm glad you found us and hope you find some support here.

Hugs

kelleyt

Yes we are still married. He is living with his mother. No he is not the father of my children my daughter has been with him since she was like 4 . The 3rd addict yes

kelleyt

Thank you very much.. I'm in fear and I can't stop thinking about him and its crazy I think I should just sign the divorce papers and try to move on it is very hard it's a small town where everyone knows him and me. But now I'm pretty sure he wants nothing to do with me anyway . Thank you for the kind words and advice

kelleyt

Thanks for responding .. It is so painful I feel like my life is over between this my son my house everything is a mess I can't sleep or eat I'm so tried .. But still miss him it's sick I'm sicker than him. He could careless he just wants me to drop the supposal support cause he doesn't think he should i told him I would drop it if he signs off the house and my pension . He said he would

kelleyt

Thank you very much .. I just feel
So alone angry at myself for letting this happen . He could care less

EnglishGarden

When we turn on ourselves...angry at ourselves, guilt, shame, embarrassment, regret....it is the poison of the disease hurting us.

It is very important we do our best to focus on what is good about ourselves, what is good around us, and what good we have done for others over the years, in whatever small ways we have made a difference.

It is a waste of our life's vital energy to focus on the addict, and it is a waste of our life's vital energy to hurt ourselves with unending self-criticism. Neither grows anything good.

You have done many things for which you can be proud, and you can choose to continue to make a life which becomes better every day. Don't be hard on yourself. It gets you nowhere.

The addict is not your higher power. You are much more than that. If you live by your highest principles, and do not compromise your values, you will find some peace. All of us here have come to accept that it is our own thinking which had to be changed for us to find serenity and happiness. We had given the addict too much power over us.

Just don't give up. True and honest connection with others, service to a higher good....this will help you as you find your way. You are not alone and you have strength and wisdom in you which you do not even realize. Trust yourself and connect with trustworthy people. Life will get better.

dollydo

Thank you for the clarification.

My mother is the main "A" in my life, my childhood with her was pure hell, not only because she drank, but, because she always chose abusive alcoholics to marry. She always put men before her children, she had to have a man, her bad choices affected me and my brother for life. Neither of us are "A's" however, we both married them. When I was younger, I suffered from anger issues and my brother has low self-esteem and bouts of depression.

I am no contact with my mother for the third time in my adult life, my brother only speaks to her when he has to, we carried our childhood into adulthood, as will your children.

There is a pattern established by you, hooking up with addicts over and over again are a red flag. Have you ever been in therapy?

As for your children, they have been adversally affected by your bad choices, but, there is help for them too, therapy, Alateen, and if they see your life is getting under control, you will lead them by example, to a better place, to a better mindset.

Let him go, if not for you, for your children, you are their voice, their future, they deserve so much better.

Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs. Also two
books, Codependent No More and Women Who Love Too Much.

I am sorry that you are in pain, however, you do have choices, make your childrens well-being your priorty...I wish you the best.

kelleyt

Thank you for sharing that I know this has effected my children I feel awful
About it I love my kids very much I don't know why I can't let this go I'm praying to god I will I'm in therapy my son is 16 and will not go my daughter is going to start soon thank you

kelleyt

I know I need to set boundaries with him but I never stick to it the fear makes me crazy. When I really know the truth deep down I'm more scared that I don't know who I am anymore don't know if I have ever.. I'm going to tell him that if we go to counciling that's the only time I will see or talk to him. I don't think he will care I'm more scared he won't go then its sick I hate that I'm this way .. Please help !!

dollydo

Why not just let him go until he is clean and sober for at least a year? IMHO marriage counciling at this point isn't going to resolve a thing. You are both sick, you both need individual therapy and he needs to work a strong recovery program for life.

I know that you love your children, however, your priorities are askew. Listen to your children, listen to what they are saying, stop the insanity.

hello-kitty

It sounds like you are in a place of crisis. Try taking a step back. You aren't going to be able to fix all this overnight. You don't have to get a divorce tomorrow. Take a breath. Give yourself a break - you didn't get into this situation overnight. You won't get out of it overnight. Call your therapist. That's what they are there for. Maybe schedule an extra appointment this week.

And remember, it gets better when you are truely ready for it to get better. Change isn't easy. But it's usually worth it.

(((hugs))) to you and your kids.