vickih

After being a reader-only member and reading the Stickies, I'm finally posting my first thread. Thanks for the encouragement.

I found out my AH husband of 30 years drank secretly our entire marriage when I admitted him to detox after a trip to the ER on New Year's. I know, hard to believe but am discovering it's not all that uncommon. I'm attending Al-Anon twice a week and preparing for his release from inpatient treatment next week.

I've chosen to stay and work on the relationship as long as he continues to work on his recovery as well as staying sober. My biggest fear is that because I didn't know he was drinking all those years... I'll miss the signs of a relapse. But am guessing that's where Al-Anon and slowing changing how we connect emotionally will make a difference. I don't have to do this perfectly... at 59 I've learned that for sure.

Any tips for the first few weeks he's back from treatment? Practical or emotional. Thanks.

Florence

There are a couple of great 101 posts that you might read and reflect on:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...dont-help.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ction-101.html

I had to adjust my expectations roundly. My AH did not come out of rehab fixed, and I probably made the early days a lot harder for him than necessary. I had a hawk eye trained on him -- in hindsight it was ridiculous.

I also didn't realize he was drinking until the addiction was very advanced. It made me paranoid and hypervigilant. It still does to a degree, which is why we are where we are now.

That said, most people don't have the luxury of hanging out and figuring things out after rehab. They have to hit the ground running. He did need to be applying for jobs and getting out of the house. The rehab team highly recommended that he have eight hours a day to do something outside of the house, whether that be a job or volunteering, then attend meetings, then engage at home, so that was my expectation. It was a rough transition.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome! Well, I suppose the good news about not knowing all this time is that you don't have to unlearn all the things we family members typically do to try to control the disease and stop the alcoholic from drinking. Rather, you need to focus on how not to start (easier, I would think, but what do I know?)

The most practical advice I can give you is to remember that you are accustomed to the drinking man, even if you didn't know it. Early sobriety, as life-saving as it is, is an extremely emotional time for the alcoholic in recovery. They (and I'm one, myself, btw) tend to experience mood swings, emotional withdrawal at times. They may flip out or cry over small things, they may experience feelings of guilt as the fog lifts. AA, if he chooses to do that, is his best shot at learning the tools to deal with life sober. He may go to tons and tons of meetings and seem neglectful. I'd let him run with it. The over-enthusiasm some people have in the beginning tends to settle down to reasonable levels of involvement. The first 30 days, 90 days, six months, a year, are times of great change.

Al-Anon can be very helpful to keeping you focused on yourself during this time.

Hugs,

Tuffgirl

Good advice already, but like Lexie says, I will caution you about thinking only the first few weeks - it is months. And for many, years, before they feel "normal" as a sober person.

I wish there was a magic book we all could read, but if it exists, I haven't found it yet. But I did find lots of great experience, strength and hope at Al-Anon. My marriage didn't make it through early sobriety, but it was a relationship built on alcoholism already, so the foundation for that house of cards was weak. You've got a long term relationship here, that is in your favor.

Thing is - his recovery belongs to him. Sure, you may be married, but this is one of those instances where you can't control it. Can't cure it either. It's completely on him. That was challenging for me, because what he did affected me and my life, too. Didn't I have a say in all this?! Like Florence says, I am sure I was pretty ridiculous in the early days, trying to control it all.

Read all you can about alcoholism, recovery, and codependency. Attend Al-Anon. And have lots of patience and tolerance.

Good luck! And keep coming back - lots of collective wisdom here!
~T

Recovering2

My ABF returned home the first week of January, so I have recent experience with this! First I would offer, have no expectations! That's hard to do, but everything is fragile and new when they first come home so it's best to take it day by day. I found my BF to be a little distant, and that bothered me. I wanted us to talk about his experience in rehab, and what his plans were moving forward. I wanted to be kept "in the loop". Turns out he needed to process for himself without having to regurgitate it all. AlAnon meetings helped me learn not to take it personally, and let him do his work. I did make sure, before he came home, that he told me what his after care plan was.

I'm glad you recognize that there is recovery, besides just staying sober. That recovery may take a lot of his time, so you have to be willing to let him be a little selfish with that. Of course, if he sees you working on yourself with AlAnon, it will help him to just focus on him.

I wouldn't worry about relapse for the moment. Not because it won't happen, only because worrying will get in the way of being healthy. You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. If he's going to relapse, and if you find a new awareness through your own recovery, you'll figure it out.

It is truly one day at a time. I am just grateful that my partner is sober today, and we're doing well. Tomorrow? I have no idea. But I'm happy for today.

I wish you both the best of luck.