MNKel

Hello All,
I am completely new to all of this. Thanks in advance or any responses.

My family has a history of alcoholism. My dad and my sister, my dad has long been sober, and I barely remember any of the issues, because I was so little. My sister has been an on and off issue, but has been very taxing on our relationship.

This post however is about someone else. Someone who I knew from the beginning I should be very careful with.

I met him close to a year ago.. We just casually conversated for awhile. On our second date, he shared with me that he was in recovery. I was okay with this as I wasn't sure that it would get serious. We started seeing each other and I realized that he was everything that I was looking for in a man. Honestly perfection. Educated, outgoing, caring, affectionate... He is the first person that I've dated since being divorced (almost 3yrs ago) that I introduced to my kids. He is GREAT with kids!!! My kids loved him, and I was clearly falling in love with him also. As we went on, I learned that he was living in a sober house, has had multiple DWI's, has been in and out of four treatments. I know that the longest that he has been sober has been one year.

After a few months things got not so good. The first thing was I was going to meet him and he told me to meet him at Old Chicago, which was weird, because we don't normally go there. he said he was sitting at the bar, but was not drinking. Of course I knew better and as soon as I got there he said that he had to be honest with me, and he was having a drink. This happened a couple times.. I then started realizing that it wasn't just every once in awhile.. it was all the time. He would drink, and then obvisouly stay with me because he couldn't go back to his sober house like that. (YES, completely realize what an idiot I was) I should have walked away right there. By this time though I was attached. He would tell me that he wanted to be better, and we had many heart to heart.. but it then got really bad.
/// long story short.. He got kicked out of his sober house, was basically living with me, I told him repeatedly if you drink, you have to leave. I went to work, and he would drink. Some days he would give me his wallet to take to work with me, so he couldn't go drink anywhere, but then he just would find any excuse. I told him I would help him, I told him I would bring him to anywhere he wanted to go to get help, but he wouldn't. I told him he could not stay at my house any longer.. I dropped him off at a hotel, because I would not have him like that around my kids. WHen I did this, I was sooo worried about him, so would go check on him. It was insane, I could not believe how sick he was.. all he did was drink.. and drink hard.. pint after pint after pint. It broke my heart, it scared me, it made me sad.. I didn't know what to do.. I didn't want to walk away... but I wanted to be sure he was okay. He ended up in detox two time after not waking up to check out of two separate hotels. He missed a court date for his 2nd DWI (in this state) and is now in Jail.
during all of this time, he was trying to get into treatment, trying to get insurance, so my excuse for him, was that he was waiting.. he was just waiting, after he got what he needed he would be better.
He's been in jail for three months, he is getting out soon. We are still together. I love him.
I am so very scared and nervous that this will all be for nothing. I have told him that once he gets out if he drinks one time.. I will be done. I won't want to know him, I won't want to know where he is, how he is anything. But I so very much want him to be better.
I've read other posts on here and hear very similar things.. "they are perfect when they are not drinking" that is exactly the situation I am in, and I realize from his history that it is very likely that he will drink again, and my heart will break. I keep telling myself I am going to be strong and will just walk away.. and at this point I believe I will, because of my kids.
But it will hurt so much. We've talked about so many things.. we have a plan for when he gets out.. but everything has a bit of a wait.. I'm scared of those first few days when I'm going to have to go to work, and he is going to have to make decisions my himself.

Basically.. this man is perfect, he has absolutely everything that I want in a man, but he is also an alcoholic whom I'm not sure can ever get better. My.Heart.Will.Break.

I don't know what the right thing to do it.. I know I should've walked away long ago.. I maybe should have told him he couldn't come back.. but everything that he has done in the past hasn't worked..

Sorry I've rambled..

I could add tons more.. but ugh. much respect for all of you, and just reading through the posts have been extremely helpful.

MNKel

I'm sorry, I realize that that was a lot of rambling, just so much on my mind and trying to get it all out.

CarrieTX

You didn't come across as rambling to me. Have you thought of going to alanon? It might be helpful. Either way, I am glad you are looking out for your children and yourself and that you shared here.

MNKel

Thank you. Yes, I have thought about going to meetings. I am so thankful to have found this site. I have attended meetings with him before, but they did not have support people meetings there at that time. We've talked about many things that we can do, I just hope that we get that opportunity. I've continued to read the posts on this board.. it is amazing how much this disease hurts. I've felt it with my sister, and I have seen now it first hand. It was an eye opening experience to watch him go through this. He would in detail explain to me what he was feeling.. as he was going through the withdrawals in the beginning he would tell me.. "ok, now I'm going to tell you anything you want to hear so you just let me drink" He got to the point where he was begging me to bring him to get booze, just to make that "feeling" go away. Seeing him at the lowest point in his withdrawals to the fall down, unable to stand up peeks of his drinking was utterly heartbreaking to watch.
I told him that he got the luxury of not remembering all of that. But his family and me and the people that loved him had to see that over and over again.

marie1960

Just my two cents,

I would not allow him back in my home. HELL NO !!!

Right now he is sober because he has to be, allow him the dignity to figure this out for himself.

What is your rush? Sit back, be patient, a whole lot more is going to be revealed.

Sending you tons of support!

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome.

It IS heartbreaking--this is a very sad disease and takes a lot of good people down--but you are chasing a dream at this point.

You are forgetting he has BEEN to rehab, jail, hospitals. None of them has prevented him from going right back out. It isn't that he hasn't had the opportunity to recover before.

It's lovely to think that the missing ingredient all this time has been your love and support, and that with that, he will get better. The chances of that happening are remote, to put it mildly.

This man is NOT perfect. He is not even CLOSE to perfect. Alcoholics are often very charming and sweet people. My second husband was the sweetest person on earth, but he was one of those who, for unfathomable reasons, could not seem to latch on to a program of recovery despite his near death from alcoholism. I refused to stick around for a second deathbed vigil.

Granted, you are an adult and have the right to choose what you are willing to put up with. What about your kids? How will they feel if they find him dead on the floor one day (not a terribly unlikely scenario). How is it fair to them to keep exposing them to this insanity?

I'm an alcoholic in recovery, myself. I would not DREAM of getting involved with an alcoholic who doesn't have several years of solid recovery behind him. And even then I would think twice. It's a disease where relapses occur even years later. And this guy has a very poor track record from the get-go.

I think you are a kind person, but I think you are completely deluded about the prospects for a life with this man. That isn't intended as a harsh judgment of you. Most of us here wanted very hard to believe our partners would get well, but wanting it and believing in it won't make it so.

There is an ARMY of people out there qualified to help him recover, IF he wants to do it. If he doesn't, nothing you or anyone else does will make any difference.

dollydo

I agree with Lexie, this guy is no where near perfect, you are creating this image in your mind...we codies love to play "Lets Pretend".

You have children, they should never be exposed to addiction on any level. They will carry their childhood into adulthood. Set a good example for them, being with an alcoholic excon
is not doing that, it is sending them entirely the wrong message.

Have you read Codependent No More? Women Who Love Too Much? The stickeys at the top of this forum? Cynical One's blogs, that can be accessed at the top of this Page....if not, I would suggest that you do so.

Keep posting, keep reading, it will help.

fluffyflea

Sometimes we tend to fall in love with POTENTIAL. Maybe potentially he might be perfect but realistically he is not.

Alanon would probably be really helpful to you.

Good luck.



][/B]

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Please stick around and make yourself at home. Post, vent and read as often as needed.

When I first arrived, I learned about the 3 C's of my husbands addiction to alcohol:

I did not CAUSE it
I can not CONTROL it
I will not CURE it

I didn't want to accept that concept. I was sure my love was sufficient to foster the needed changes. I was also sure I could rescue him.

I learned that I was so focused on his needs, his addiction, and his happiness; that I let my own be pushed aside. Unfortunately, I also put his needs ahead of my childrens.

One day I realized that I had rights too in this life!

My life matters.
My happiness is important.
My needs are important.

Your life matters too. You have the right to change your mind. You have the right to say: Not my house. Not in front of my children.

fluffyflea

Another thing I'm also a recovering Alcoholic. I know I had to stop for me and I had to do the work, no one could have done anything for me. It had to come from me.

It needs to come from him.

MyBetterWorld

Having been through a relationship with an active alcoholic ( and coming out alive! ) I can never fathom how a person would chase that relationship. I'm not attacking you, please don't take it that way. My children's father, my XAH, is an alcoholic. He wasn't always. It happened over time. It was a horrible period in my life. I took our children and left. I couldn't ever imagine, in any situation, where I would willingly subject myself or my children to that kind of trauma again. yes, you love him. He probably is a sweet person. But he is sick....you can't fix him and he is far from perfect. You have already altered your life to meet his needs. WHY? I don't understand. Especially seeing that you have had experience with alcoholism. I hope the best for you, I really do. I have a horrible feeling that you are setting yourself up for a world of misery.....
M

MNKel

Thank you all. I don't take offense to any of it. That is what I came here for. Prior to him going away, I was absolutely all the things that you all have mentioned. I did completely alter my life for him as I was trying to keep him safe. It was crazy the lengths that I was taking for this man who I had no ties to. My kids are not his kids, we had no significant history, I just imagine a sober world with him as being great. I have told myself all the things that you guys are saying to me a million times. And many of my real friends say the same thing.
I told myself that while he is where he is.. If I walked away now I'd be heartbroken, if I he gets out and drink I'll be heartbroken, the only hope that I had is if he got out and he stayed sober, so I was hanging my hat on that small chance. I have told him, that it could be a matter of hours, days or weeks and whatever this is that we have could be/would be completely over.
I feel like I have to give it that one last change.. but then yes I have to be realistic with myself and even if in the off chance he did stay sober for longer than a few months or years... it could turn. You're post as I've said have been very eye opening for me and I do not want that kind of life for me or my kids and I have told him that so many times.
I will keep you all updated and again.. thank you.

Recovering2

Have to give him one last chance? To do what? Does not sound like he is in an active recovery program yet, he is just sober because he can't drink in jail. "When someone shows you who they are...believe them." He has already lied to you about this stuff, has taken advantage of you by living with you while actively drinking, etc. You have to protect your kids at all costs, letting him back into the house teaches your kids that there are no boundaries and they will take that into adulthood.
You have been given an opportunity, a gift. He is out of your house. I would not let him back in under any circumstances! He is an adult. He can figure this out on his own, not because you want him to be better. He has to want it, which doesn't mean he hangs out at your house while he figures it out. If he truly wants sobriety, he will be mature enough to realize he should keep some distance from your kids until he has time under his belt.

The perfect person you seek and the alcoholic in front of you are the same person. They are great charming manipulators when need be. Find an AlAnon meeting, and get some support to set strong boundaries. Protect your children.

Sungrl

I have wasted the last two years of my life on last chances.

ShootingStar1

I feel like I have to give it that one last chance.. but then yes I have to be realistic with myself and even if in the off chance he did stay sober for longer than a few months or years... it could turn.

How about flipping this thought over and thinking of it the other way round?

"I feel like HE can choose to give this one last chance. If he wants to be with me, he has to be realistic with me and commit to and take the course to recovery so that he can truly demonstrate his sobriety to me. And I'll need to see his commitment succeed through long term action before I can risk his involvement with me and my kids."

Then the power and control for his recovery is with him. If he doesn't want you enough to combat his alcoholism, then he won't.

This frees you to live your life as you need to for you and your kids. And it gives him some motivation to want to recover.

And most of all, it makes him be honest and own what he wants.

ShootingStar1

Crazed

My heart goes out to you. The wanting him to be the perfect person, and he would be if he only wouldn't drink. As sungrl said, I have spent 5 years on last chances, and "if she only's."

While you want to and try to help them, I am slowly starting to realize you can't really help them at all.

LexieCat

ShootingStar makes a good point.

You have already given, he has taken, and has screwed up big-time. The burden of proof, so to speak, is on him at this point. Or by all that is rational in the world should be.

If he indeed is "perfect" then would he not move heaven and earth, throw himself into a program of recovery, become a shining example of sobriety, before he deemed himself worthy to ask you for another chance?

If he wants to be sober, he can get sober in a halfway house or another sober living house. I know many happily sober people who got their start in those places. He blew it before, if he is serious now he will take advantage of the support they can offer. He doesn't need to be with you to do it.

Look, if this is meant to be, that is exactly what he will do. If he messes up again it won't be because he wasn't living with you, it will be that he still is not ready.

And I still don't see how it is OK for your kids to be in this situation.

BoxinRotz

Do you work? What kind of career do you have? Does it allow you to make great money? Do you own your own home?

Why am I asking? Because you are about to lay all of that on the line for an alcoholic who does not care. You have already made it a safe and cozy place for him to drink because he drank in your house even though you said no and you are still allowing him to come home to MaMa.

You aren't married to him. You need to really think long and hard before he gets out if you want to waste money on him that could be spent on your childrens' college education. How you may ask? Do you own a car? Does he drive it? What if he hits someone while going on a beer run? He's already got DUI's. Not having a license isn't enough to keep someone out of a vehicle. If he's in yours, and hits someone, YOU will be responsible, not him. Then you are out of a car for awhile or longer if he totals it. That house you may own, if he hurts someone, they can sue you for damages.

Is he really worth all of that?

My husband spent 20 years sober. He decided to start drinking again. Once you're an alcoholic, you are always an alcoholic. I can't even bring a beer into my house and sit and curl my hair and enjoy it. I would really hope that you think about your children first and what they deserve over this alcoholic who is about to suck the money right from under neath them if you allow him to.

MNKel

I do completely understand where you all are coming from. I do have a good job and I've done okay for myself. I have my kids half time, the rest they are with their dad. To be very clear when he was around my kids he did not drink. When my kids where home I would not allow him to be around.
My problem is that he takes care of me as much as I take care of him. He makes me feel comfortable and brave. He is educated, he comes from a great family. He was a teacher and he worked with kids to encourage teamwork and trust, he is absolutely great with kids and he encourages and supports me. I've never felt like he's taken advantage of me financially. He has his own money and I have mine.
We talk about all of this and he seems to understand. He has a plan for when he gets out.. AA meetings, a program through a church we have attended, he's got prescription recommendations for when he gets out to help with recovery. I know that this is all talk and it needs to be based on actions.
I am not at all trying to make excuses for him, but I often feel like he takes care of me also. I'm not a super outgoing person, I don't often step out of my comfort zone, but he is continually encouraging me.. I've tried so many new things since I've met him.
I know I am wishful thinking, and I truly strongly believe that when the times comes and he does drink that I am strong enough to walk away. I've told him this. I don't want to know him. I don't want to know how is, where he is.. anything. Many of his ex's he stays in contact with.. he sends them the "Hazelden thought for the day" so they know he's okay. I told him I don't want them. If I'm not with him, I don't want to worry about him anymore.
I speak out of two sides of my mouth, I know.. I have my fantasy land with him, and then my realistic understanding of how quickly this could end. I can say that I have learned things from him.. if I'm not with him, I think he has still touched my life and my kids lives in a positive manner.
My kids don't know where he is.. they don't know what we were dealing with, as I said they were not here.

LexieCat

If he has family, and his own money, why isn't he going to a regular rehab?

It sounds as if your mind was made up before you posted. I don't think anyone here thinks you are making a wise decision. We would love to be wrong, but your story is not as unique as you may think it is.

In AA we have an expression for people who are sure that they are the exception to the rules that apply to everyone else. We call it "terminal uniqueness".

Now, is it POSSIBLE they are in that .0001 percent for whom things don't work out the way experience tells us they will? Of course. Someone hits the lottery every day.

But as Dirty Harry said, "Do you feel lucky?"