LoveMeNow

I know that the term "beard" is commonly used to imply a cover up for a homosexual or sham marriage. It is to give the illusion for those wanting to appear to fit a particular "social norm."

However, IMO, many addicts use their relationships to hide, mask, or minimize their addiction.

I remember a former poster warning me over and over again to be leery of my husband's attempts to come home. I couldn't understand what he had to gain if his behavior was going to be the same. She explained that as long as he had his wife, home and things "appeared" normal, his addiction would continue and he would only justify, minimize or deny his problems.

So would you say by definition that many of us could be used as an addicts "beard?"

Lily1918

for sure!!!! just like he is mine kinda.... lily is an angel and he is a p.o.s. I realized this week I like how they paint me that way. Im all perfect and he's all evil and that's just not true about me, but I like everyone thinking Im perfect. in fact. I fear his recovery because what if he actually does become better than me in a lot of ways? so my answer is yes. I am his beard. he is also mine.

mstrust

i have had this same thought MANY times, LMN. my boyfriend is in the public eye quite a bit and i have often wondered if part of his motivation for being with me and staying with me was to keep up appearances--he must be doing ok if she stays with him, if she looks happy, etc. when i didn't go to his last two shows, he was upset with me and it crossed my mind that he didn't want people to wonder what went wrong with US in case they also wondered what might be wrong with HIM.

Miller05

we certainly had the "beard" on in our marriage. we just did. his horrible behavior continued in secret because no real changes were made. and yet, in front of everyone, we looked like this cute couple....with a little baby, traveling to all these luxury vacations....eating out all the time...you name it...all "fun." but if you looked closely, people could see the ugliness underneath. it was there...just didnt want to see it...and that was me being a codie.

the beard came off when the real, hard work started. that included REHAB, and being committed to staying clean. it also included a lot of other things to rebuild trust.

and you know what? with the beard off...the vacations arent important...nah...would rather stay at home, do something local...no need to go out all the time...cook at home and save money...no need for a bunch of friends....they are just druggies anyway who arent married and dont have families...why hang with them?....no mancave....for what?...that is where the cheating and coke was done...phone bills come home for all to see...those who have nothing to hide...hide nothing.

"meatloaf on tuesday" is how i refer to our "new normal." nothing fancy...just honest, "clean shaven"....and most of all SOBER.