Hello
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 17
Hello
I've been reading on the forums for quite some time but still didn't believe I was codependent until I stumbled across a post that slapped me in the face. I'm finally realizing I do need help...so here I am...
I kicked my AH out 2 weeks ago after finally realizing I cannot afford to live with him anymore (no help with bills then stealing money from my account on top of that.) I'm not sure how I feel about our marriage. I'm not sure how many chances to give.
2 years ago we were separated for nearly a year because of him having an affair. We went to counseling and were able to work through it but before letting him come back home I told him he had to quit drinking. Well of course I didn't stick to my guns and now here we are again and not only is he drinking but now he is addicted to oxycotton as well.
We have been married 10 years and have 2 young kids. Of course I don't want to see it end but I am stressed to the absolute max and cannot take anymore disappointments from him. He is constantly texting me he loves me and I don't know how to reply! How do I stay strong? How do I make sure I don't let him come home without some sobriety time? How much sobriety time is enough? Should I go no contact? How can I do that with kids involved? (He is a wonderful father and I am not afraid of leaving the kids in his care) Should I just run while I am still young? I cringe everytime I read a post saying they divorced after 25+ years. But what about my marriage vows? (I am a Christian) Sooooo many questions!
FYI I am not currently attending Alanon but I am seeing a counselor. Any advice/encouragement/tell-me-like-it-is appreciated!
I kicked my AH out 2 weeks ago after finally realizing I cannot afford to live with him anymore (no help with bills then stealing money from my account on top of that.) I'm not sure how I feel about our marriage. I'm not sure how many chances to give.
2 years ago we were separated for nearly a year because of him having an affair. We went to counseling and were able to work through it but before letting him come back home I told him he had to quit drinking. Well of course I didn't stick to my guns and now here we are again and not only is he drinking but now he is addicted to oxycotton as well.
We have been married 10 years and have 2 young kids. Of course I don't want to see it end but I am stressed to the absolute max and cannot take anymore disappointments from him. He is constantly texting me he loves me and I don't know how to reply! How do I stay strong? How do I make sure I don't let him come home without some sobriety time? How much sobriety time is enough? Should I go no contact? How can I do that with kids involved? (He is a wonderful father and I am not afraid of leaving the kids in his care) Should I just run while I am still young? I cringe everytime I read a post saying they divorced after 25+ years. But what about my marriage vows? (I am a Christian) Sooooo many questions!
FYI I am not currently attending Alanon but I am seeing a counselor. Any advice/encouragement/tell-me-like-it-is appreciated!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Welcome to SR! As always, I am sorry for what brings you here.
I would be very concerned about leaving my children in his care. Addicts make terrible parents. Their love for the drug always outweighs their love for anyone else.
What does your gut/instincts tell you? Only you can answer that question.
He has betrayed you in so many ways. Is that something you want to accept and live with??
I would start reading Codependent No More and "fixing" you before I made any decisions. Healthy people make healthy choices.
I would be very concerned about leaving my children in his care. Addicts make terrible parents. Their love for the drug always outweighs their love for anyone else.
What does your gut/instincts tell you? Only you can answer that question.
He has betrayed you in so many ways. Is that something you want to accept and live with??
I would start reading Codependent No More and "fixing" you before I made any decisions. Healthy people make healthy choices.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi. Welcome. Sorry for your situation. You can't make an alcoholic or a drug addict quit using. All you can do is protect yourself and your family from the effects of his behavior. It sounds like you are doing that so good for you (although I'm not sure I would ever leave my child alone with an active addict or alcoholic). You are on a healthier path already. That doesn't mean it's easy. But the healthiest choice isn't usually the easiest choice.
I'm not going to tell you what I think you should do. But you don't have to live with a drunk or drug using husband if you don't want to. And you don't have to expose your children to that kind of behavior. It's unhealthy for them. That's not a violation of your marriage vows. That's self-respect and being a good parent.
Wonderful fathers, in my opinion, do not freeload off their wives, steal from their families, use illegal drugs, drink to excess or have affairs.
What does your conselor advise you?
I'm not going to tell you what I think you should do. But you don't have to live with a drunk or drug using husband if you don't want to. And you don't have to expose your children to that kind of behavior. It's unhealthy for them. That's not a violation of your marriage vows. That's self-respect and being a good parent.
He is a wonderful father and I am not afraid of leaving the kids in his care
What does your conselor advise you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 17
Thank you for the replies. I am currently reading Codependent No More. It is really opening my eyes! However I have never thought about not leaving the kids with him. They love him so much and they are 5 and 10 so I figured they were old enough to let me know if they didn't want to be around him. I will definitely discuss that with my counselor next time.
If i am honest with myself I think a divorce is probably the best option. But I worry about him getting worse if I turn my back on him, so to speak. (There goes the codependency!)
If i am honest with myself I think a divorce is probably the best option. But I worry about him getting worse if I turn my back on him, so to speak. (There goes the codependency!)
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Is your counselor educated and knowledgable about addiction?
I, too, worried about my husband. I remember posting "But what will happen to him?"
A very wise poster told me "He is a grown man and is living his life as he wants, Are you?" It took a long time for me to understand that -
I didn't cause it, I can not control it, and I can not cure it.
It has taken even taken longer to be able to say "its not my problem" and mean it!! I am just starting to grasp that. I am a slow leaner, lol!
I, too, worried about my husband. I remember posting "But what will happen to him?"
A very wise poster told me "He is a grown man and is living his life as he wants, Are you?" It took a long time for me to understand that -
I didn't cause it, I can not control it, and I can not cure it.
It has taken even taken longer to be able to say "its not my problem" and mean it!! I am just starting to grasp that. I am a slow leaner, lol!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
I'm sorry you're going through this and believe me I know exactly how you feel. I've been where you are. I recently divorced after 15 years of marriage. I have 2 boys (7 & 14) their dad is addicted to oxycodone. I too didn't believe that the wonderful, loving responsible man and father would endanger me and his kids; but addiction is a baffling and cunning disease. If you want advice, please take care of yourself and the children. I learned the hard way that by staying, I endangered me and my kids. I hope your AH finds his recovery. All you can do is help yourself and your kids. I wish you all the best. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 52
Wow- I thought I was reading my own post for a second. My AH was recently kicked out for his addiction to oxy/roxy/Opana/heroin... I fell for it again tonight. I hope you post here often. I feel myself getting stronger and more aware of my behaviors and actions.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
so sorry that you are going through this but am glad that you have found this forum.
I know that you feel like he is a great father - but please don't forget that he is an addict. It's impossible to believe that someone might jeopordize their children but it happens all the time.
I just don't want you to have to experience the anguish of possible being wrong....if he is an addict he IS NOT SAFE for your kids to be around in an unsupervised way.
My ex used to take a drug test for his ex when he picked up his sons. As he drove away he would fire up the crack pipe. He did this because he said he knew that his ex never thought that in a million years he would use drugs around his kids. How wrong she was. He even left them in the care of some woman that he picked up while he went to buy more drugs for the two of them.
Please be careful and please don't believe him....
I know that you feel like he is a great father - but please don't forget that he is an addict. It's impossible to believe that someone might jeopordize their children but it happens all the time.
I just don't want you to have to experience the anguish of possible being wrong....if he is an addict he IS NOT SAFE for your kids to be around in an unsupervised way.
My ex used to take a drug test for his ex when he picked up his sons. As he drove away he would fire up the crack pipe. He did this because he said he knew that his ex never thought that in a million years he would use drugs around his kids. How wrong she was. He even left them in the care of some woman that he picked up while he went to buy more drugs for the two of them.
Please be careful and please don't believe him....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 17
Wow, so glad I posted! Yall have really opened my eyes, especially as far as the kids are concerned. Funny how I can take it better hearing it here than hearing it from friends and family. I think they don't understand that he is a good person and they don't know what they're talking about. But I know yall understand.
I'm trying to take care of myself right now and tell myself I don't have to worry about the fate of my marriage at the moment. One Day At A Time.
I'm trying to take care of myself right now and tell myself I don't have to worry about the fate of my marriage at the moment. One Day At A Time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
I know this is really difficult at times to fathom - when we have an addict on our lives, father of our children, who we recognise as and addict, but truly believe they would never hurt our children.... well... and I feel so disloyal to my dad for even wrting this... but my dad was a 'functioning' alcoholic. He completely loved us (Me, my sister and brother)..... always told us how much he loved us, always ready with a huge hug and a bedtime story..... but yet he still drove with us in the car - whist he was drunk!!!!! He put his three 'babies' lives at risk probably most days...... I am now 38 and still battling wit this.....
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