Triggers... (Livin' Thing)
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posts: 124
Triggers... (Livin' Thing)
I'm sitting at my desk working, listening to music... in the mood for some old school ear-candy, I put on Electric Light Orchestra. After a while, one of my favorite songs begins – "Livin' Thing" – and my heart starts to race, my head begins to cloud... FOG.
Four years ago, early in the relationship with my (ex)partner and shortly after I began to learn about his addiction, I heard this song by "chance" on the radio just at the moment when I was debating with myself whether or not I should continue with our relationship. Here are the lyrics (and anyone who cares can listen to it here – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2d45tOgBl0):
Sailin' away on the crest of a wave
It's like magic
Oh rollin' and ridin', slippin' & sliding
It's magic
And you, and your sweet desire,
You took me, ohhh higher and higher baby,
It's a livin' thing,
It's a terrible thing to lose
It's a given thing
What a terrible thing to lose.
Making believe this is what you've conceived
From your worst day, I'm takin a dive
Oh moving in line when you look back in time
To the first day, I'm taken I'm taken
And you and your sweet desire, don't you do it, don't you do it
you took me ohh, higher and higher baby
It's a living thing,
It's a terrible thing to lose,
It's a given thing
What a terrible thing to lose
I'm takin a dive. Can't halt the slide. Hey!!
Takin' a dive 'cos you can't halt the slide
Floating downstream, I'm takin a dive
Ah so let her go don't start spoiling the show
It's a bad dream, I'm takin', I'm takin'
And you and your sweet desire
Don't you do it ,
You took me ohh higher and higher baby
It's a livin' thing,
It's a terrible thing to lose
It's a given thing
What a terrible thing to lose.
So, I heard this song at a very important moment – a CRUCIAL moment – and it locked me in. How could I give up? He's alive, he's a human who deserves love, affection, support, etc., etc., blah, blah, codependent crap. I felt like the song had appeared FOR ME -- it was telling me something –– and I "took a dive"
Then, two years ago I went back to the States just to get away from the madness of living with a person in active addiction (with the added "plus" that he's probably borderline personality). I spent 2 months at my brother's, clearing my head, trying to heal, trying to get myself back on track... At one point, I received an email from my partner, begging me to return -- he said that he was filthy and hopeless without me, and promised to change.... That day, I went out to eat with my brother, my head filled with doubt and confusion. Guess what song came on?
Once again, I listened to those words and felt that the song had appeared FOR ME. This time, it felt like I had a responsibility I was destined to take on -- How could I say "No"? He's a livin' thing, a terrible thing to lose. He had been abandoned by everyone, by society, and I was the only one he could look to for love and care... How could I leave him to suffer?... I returned to Buenos Aires a few weeks later.
In the two years that followed, a lot happened. He eventually checked into a long-term treatment community; I started getting serious about my recovery, which included multiple Nar-Anon meetings every week, along with private therapy with a psychologist; he had a relapse after 9 months and I eventually forced him back into the treatment community (something I now regret, having reached a point where I feel such actions are detrimental to my recovery); he began to deny his sexuality and our relationship, making every weekly visit more and more uncomfortable; and, eventually, he "relapsed" again and is now in the streets, consuming once more and I have gone no contact.
SO, what did I do when I heard the beginning of that song today? I calmly went to my iTunes and skipped over it. I refuse to be triggered again by that song (although it's MY reaction to the song that's the problem, not the song itself). My (ex)partner is in the streets because he has chosen that life -- it is a world that dehumanizes him while he actively dehumanizes himself. He is filthy because he is addicted to a filthy world – the drugs are only a part of it all. The violence, the prostitution, the theft, the darkness – this is also part of his addiction. My (ex)partner is not addicted to drugs -- he is addicted to destruction, and the drugs only help him get there quicker.
I still believe that he can change -- everyone can change -- but I no longer kid myself about my ability or responsibility to enable that change. And I no longer kid myself about my ability to "handle" it all -- he is courting evil, and his presence in my life will only bring evil to me.
...
As I read the lyrics of the song printed above, I wonder if, in fact, that song DID appear at those two crucial moments "for me" -- why did I not take those words as a warning? Why didn't I think of MYSELF in those words, instead of him? Why did that song trigger me to allow the insanity of a hard-core addict to steamroll my heart and soul?
I'm now thinking about other "triggers" that open my door to codependency. People in AA and NA often talk about their triggers (or, rather, they talk about how to avoid/overcome them), but it's something that I've heard very little of regarding THIS side of the street, both in my groups and here on SR. Do others have any similar experiences?
Four years ago, early in the relationship with my (ex)partner and shortly after I began to learn about his addiction, I heard this song by "chance" on the radio just at the moment when I was debating with myself whether or not I should continue with our relationship. Here are the lyrics (and anyone who cares can listen to it here – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2d45tOgBl0):
Sailin' away on the crest of a wave
It's like magic
Oh rollin' and ridin', slippin' & sliding
It's magic
And you, and your sweet desire,
You took me, ohhh higher and higher baby,
It's a livin' thing,
It's a terrible thing to lose
It's a given thing
What a terrible thing to lose.
Making believe this is what you've conceived
From your worst day, I'm takin a dive
Oh moving in line when you look back in time
To the first day, I'm taken I'm taken
And you and your sweet desire, don't you do it, don't you do it
you took me ohh, higher and higher baby
It's a living thing,
It's a terrible thing to lose,
It's a given thing
What a terrible thing to lose
I'm takin a dive. Can't halt the slide. Hey!!
Takin' a dive 'cos you can't halt the slide
Floating downstream, I'm takin a dive
Ah so let her go don't start spoiling the show
It's a bad dream, I'm takin', I'm takin'
And you and your sweet desire
Don't you do it ,
You took me ohh higher and higher baby
It's a livin' thing,
It's a terrible thing to lose
It's a given thing
What a terrible thing to lose.
So, I heard this song at a very important moment – a CRUCIAL moment – and it locked me in. How could I give up? He's alive, he's a human who deserves love, affection, support, etc., etc., blah, blah, codependent crap. I felt like the song had appeared FOR ME -- it was telling me something –– and I "took a dive"
Then, two years ago I went back to the States just to get away from the madness of living with a person in active addiction (with the added "plus" that he's probably borderline personality). I spent 2 months at my brother's, clearing my head, trying to heal, trying to get myself back on track... At one point, I received an email from my partner, begging me to return -- he said that he was filthy and hopeless without me, and promised to change.... That day, I went out to eat with my brother, my head filled with doubt and confusion. Guess what song came on?
Once again, I listened to those words and felt that the song had appeared FOR ME. This time, it felt like I had a responsibility I was destined to take on -- How could I say "No"? He's a livin' thing, a terrible thing to lose. He had been abandoned by everyone, by society, and I was the only one he could look to for love and care... How could I leave him to suffer?... I returned to Buenos Aires a few weeks later.
In the two years that followed, a lot happened. He eventually checked into a long-term treatment community; I started getting serious about my recovery, which included multiple Nar-Anon meetings every week, along with private therapy with a psychologist; he had a relapse after 9 months and I eventually forced him back into the treatment community (something I now regret, having reached a point where I feel such actions are detrimental to my recovery); he began to deny his sexuality and our relationship, making every weekly visit more and more uncomfortable; and, eventually, he "relapsed" again and is now in the streets, consuming once more and I have gone no contact.
SO, what did I do when I heard the beginning of that song today? I calmly went to my iTunes and skipped over it. I refuse to be triggered again by that song (although it's MY reaction to the song that's the problem, not the song itself). My (ex)partner is in the streets because he has chosen that life -- it is a world that dehumanizes him while he actively dehumanizes himself. He is filthy because he is addicted to a filthy world – the drugs are only a part of it all. The violence, the prostitution, the theft, the darkness – this is also part of his addiction. My (ex)partner is not addicted to drugs -- he is addicted to destruction, and the drugs only help him get there quicker.
I still believe that he can change -- everyone can change -- but I no longer kid myself about my ability or responsibility to enable that change. And I no longer kid myself about my ability to "handle" it all -- he is courting evil, and his presence in my life will only bring evil to me.
...
As I read the lyrics of the song printed above, I wonder if, in fact, that song DID appear at those two crucial moments "for me" -- why did I not take those words as a warning? Why didn't I think of MYSELF in those words, instead of him? Why did that song trigger me to allow the insanity of a hard-core addict to steamroll my heart and soul?
I'm now thinking about other "triggers" that open my door to codependency. People in AA and NA often talk about their triggers (or, rather, they talk about how to avoid/overcome them), but it's something that I've heard very little of regarding THIS side of the street, both in my groups and here on SR. Do others have any similar experiences?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
You write some good stuff, MiSoberbio! Thank you.
Lately I have been thinking about the difference between triggers and a flashbacks. Both make you uncomfortable, but I think if we can let triggers somehow settle in us as flashbacks we will be better off. We will remember a bad thing but we don't let it "trigger" any Codie behaviors.
This actually happened today. While I was eating breakfast, I had a distinct memory of a day when my daughter was in the hospital after her OD. I just let myself have that memory. Later this afternoon she called all distraught about a student loan bill "from when I was in the hospital in a coma, Momma, and I am freaked out about it, and can you help me fix it..." "Of course, but not right now, because I am driving, but I will look at the paperwork with you. Don't worry yourself about it." I could hear that she wanted to somehow blame me, but I didn't let that stick. I tried instead to hear her anxiety about something she felt powerless over. It was a trigger for me because all I could think was that I was also not on the top of my game while she was in a coma, or for 4 weeks and several months after...Letting myself have that memory early in the day somehow calmed me when she called later. Does that make any sense? It was a bit serendipitous, but also normal, because I think about that time last year often. I am just trying to let the sadness and such wave over me and drift off so that I can work my own recovery. It seems to be working, slowly but surely.
Good for you for changing the song. Sadly, I can't listen to Andrew Bird or Billie Holiday right now because that is all we played in the ICU. Oh well. Someday.
Take care of yourself.
Lately I have been thinking about the difference between triggers and a flashbacks. Both make you uncomfortable, but I think if we can let triggers somehow settle in us as flashbacks we will be better off. We will remember a bad thing but we don't let it "trigger" any Codie behaviors.
This actually happened today. While I was eating breakfast, I had a distinct memory of a day when my daughter was in the hospital after her OD. I just let myself have that memory. Later this afternoon she called all distraught about a student loan bill "from when I was in the hospital in a coma, Momma, and I am freaked out about it, and can you help me fix it..." "Of course, but not right now, because I am driving, but I will look at the paperwork with you. Don't worry yourself about it." I could hear that she wanted to somehow blame me, but I didn't let that stick. I tried instead to hear her anxiety about something she felt powerless over. It was a trigger for me because all I could think was that I was also not on the top of my game while she was in a coma, or for 4 weeks and several months after...Letting myself have that memory early in the day somehow calmed me when she called later. Does that make any sense? It was a bit serendipitous, but also normal, because I think about that time last year often. I am just trying to let the sadness and such wave over me and drift off so that I can work my own recovery. It seems to be working, slowly but surely.
Good for you for changing the song. Sadly, I can't listen to Andrew Bird or Billie Holiday right now because that is all we played in the ICU. Oh well. Someday.
Take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Music is a huge trigger for me. Certain songs can either really lift me up or bring me down.
I couldn't listen to "Man of the Hour" by Pearl Jam for a very long time. We played it at my father's memorial after he was killed in a small aircraft accident. I listen to it now and it makes me smile.
I choose to listen to music that lifts me up......I am particularly fond of Latin guitarists (Rodrigo y Gabriella are a particular favorite duo--from Mexico, Jesse Cook-although Canadian-is fabulous!).
gentle hugs
ke
I couldn't listen to "Man of the Hour" by Pearl Jam for a very long time. We played it at my father's memorial after he was killed in a small aircraft accident. I listen to it now and it makes me smile.
I choose to listen to music that lifts me up......I am particularly fond of Latin guitarists (Rodrigo y Gabriella are a particular favorite duo--from Mexico, Jesse Cook-although Canadian-is fabulous!).
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Boy, I don't know why but I cant think of any real triggers at this moment.
I will keep thinking...
I remember when his frequent trips to Home Depot should have been obvious to me, but they weren't. If he suddenly had to run out to Home Depot again, I think I would be triggered. We used to call him "Tim, the Tool Man" for many funny reasons. A handy man, he is not!! So Home Depot?? lol
Also, keeping his cell phone in his car - should have been a red flag but I didn't really pay that much attention. Since his work involves many phone calls, I could appreciate that he didn't want to bothered at night. I guess just turning it off could have been a good solution too.
I will keep thinking...
I remember when his frequent trips to Home Depot should have been obvious to me, but they weren't. If he suddenly had to run out to Home Depot again, I think I would be triggered. We used to call him "Tim, the Tool Man" for many funny reasons. A handy man, he is not!! So Home Depot?? lol
Also, keeping his cell phone in his car - should have been a red flag but I didn't really pay that much attention. Since his work involves many phone calls, I could appreciate that he didn't want to bothered at night. I guess just turning it off could have been a good solution too.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 52
Every time I go by the pandora store or see a pandora bracelet... Last Mother's Day he didn't do anything for me that day. He told me he had bought me a Pandora charm bracelet but he "left it on his desk at work"..., that would have explained the 250 taken out. The account the day before... But there was no bracelet...
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Home Depot for a guy who's not handy...that's a good one. And now when you pass a Home Depot...? A laugh or a grimace? It depends, doesn't it. That's what is so great about recovery--our triggers can actually help us heal if we can learn to react differently. Thanks for that, LMN. Cell phone in car--that I would have never thought of doing! Too available!
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Originally Posted by GardenMama 
Home Depot for a guy who's not handy...that's a good one. And now when you pass a Home Depot...? A laugh or a grimace? It depends, doesn't it. That's what is so great about recovery--our triggers can actually help us heal if we can learn to react differently. Thanks for that, LMN. Cell phone in car--that I would have never thought of doing! Too available!
Once, we were driving by Home Depot and I said to him jokingly...do you need any kind of tapes today while we are out and then winked at him - he just laughed and said I am sorry....it just hasn't ever triggered me again. But also, he hasn't needed to go there in a long time so.......that helps too. lol
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Posts: 864
Triggers…
No one had payday triggers? Ugh!
Music, never. That is one of the more important parts of my recovery because it shuts my head right down.
From time to time someone will tell me one of my poems triggered them.
Using trigger…
Cat **** smell, reminded me of crank.
And once I started working on me.
Him high was a trigger. No one else ever just him.
My mother speaking about anything, didn’t even have to be directed at me. There was always something that could remove her nicely
Abuse…
The dresser in my parents bedroom squeaked a certain way when opened. After I started working on me I heard it from downstairs one time there and it stopped me in my tracks. The strapped lived in there. Brought back a lot of bad memories. In the end that was a good thing because it gave me a another point of reference I needed to heal.
Codie….
LMAO with the home depot run.
Most of those I am closest to had partners using heroin. All the men cleaned, the cleaning was a dead giveaway more than anything else to using. I swear I have never seen anything this bizarre. He couldn’t contain himself he had to clean something, do something….the water bill went down big time when he stopped using. He would wash his truck everyday through spring summer and fall, the neighbors thought he was nuts. My motto back then dirty truck clean man.
I am sure I had more I was a friggin mess all those years ago. Now I don’t think I have anything that bugs me or stops me in my tracks anymore with some horror show playing in my head.
No one had payday triggers? Ugh!
Music, never. That is one of the more important parts of my recovery because it shuts my head right down.
From time to time someone will tell me one of my poems triggered them.
Using trigger…
Cat **** smell, reminded me of crank.
And once I started working on me.
Him high was a trigger. No one else ever just him.
My mother speaking about anything, didn’t even have to be directed at me. There was always something that could remove her nicely
Abuse…
The dresser in my parents bedroom squeaked a certain way when opened. After I started working on me I heard it from downstairs one time there and it stopped me in my tracks. The strapped lived in there. Brought back a lot of bad memories. In the end that was a good thing because it gave me a another point of reference I needed to heal.
Codie….
LMAO with the home depot run.
Most of those I am closest to had partners using heroin. All the men cleaned, the cleaning was a dead giveaway more than anything else to using. I swear I have never seen anything this bizarre. He couldn’t contain himself he had to clean something, do something….the water bill went down big time when he stopped using. He would wash his truck everyday through spring summer and fall, the neighbors thought he was nuts. My motto back then dirty truck clean man.
I am sure I had more I was a friggin mess all those years ago. Now I don’t think I have anything that bugs me or stops me in my tracks anymore with some horror show playing in my head.
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Two more triggers..........
Little pupils.....even in the bright sunlight. I started to look at everyone's too. Even people I know that did not take drugs. It was like they became my "reference" to compare his too. It became a complete codie sickness that I am happy to say that I have stopped.
Cockiness was a bigger trigger too. If my husband was acting cocky, I would have to say something. It almost felt like a "need" to bring him down a peg or too. Yes, I thought my words were that powerful. I would wait, brewing, until no one was home.....then unleash one sarcastic comment after another. I had lost so much respect for him and myself........NOTHING was off limits. If I couldn't "love" him into stopping, I was going to "humiliate" him into it.
Love the clean truck! My husband's was the garage. We had the cleanest garage on the street. At the time, I just thought he just liked a clean garage. I had no idea pills gave him energy and he needed to keep busy and probably away from me too. lol
Little pupils.....even in the bright sunlight. I started to look at everyone's too. Even people I know that did not take drugs. It was like they became my "reference" to compare his too. It became a complete codie sickness that I am happy to say that I have stopped.
Cockiness was a bigger trigger too. If my husband was acting cocky, I would have to say something. It almost felt like a "need" to bring him down a peg or too. Yes, I thought my words were that powerful. I would wait, brewing, until no one was home.....then unleash one sarcastic comment after another. I had lost so much respect for him and myself........NOTHING was off limits. If I couldn't "love" him into stopping, I was going to "humiliate" him into it.
Love the clean truck! My husband's was the garage. We had the cleanest garage on the street. At the time, I just thought he just liked a clean garage. I had no idea pills gave him energy and he needed to keep busy and probably away from me too. lol
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As I think about more triggers, I keep coming back to "the silent treatment." When he would pull that, I would literally fly off the handle. I was outrageous -- I would stand in front of him and yell, trying to force him to acknowledge me. It felt like I was being negated, that my very existence was denied... I later learned that the silent treatment is typical for someone who is addicted -- it's a common trait of the illness, but it took me some time to accept that my reaction was extremely codependent behavior.
Why was I so bothered by it? Part of it had to do with the fact that my father (the other addict in my life) did the exact same thing, and it scarred me deeply (permanently?)... When my (ex)partner would do it, the enraged child within me took control --- I wanted JUSTICE for being treated so inhumanely, and I wanted to hurt the thing that was hurting me.
I don't know what my reaction would be now if I was presented with the silent treatment again. I HOPE that I've progressed enough in my recovery that I'd see it for what it is (something that comes from illness) and understand that it has absolutely NO bearing on who I am, what I am, and what I feel at the moment.
Why was I so bothered by it? Part of it had to do with the fact that my father (the other addict in my life) did the exact same thing, and it scarred me deeply (permanently?)... When my (ex)partner would do it, the enraged child within me took control --- I wanted JUSTICE for being treated so inhumanely, and I wanted to hurt the thing that was hurting me.
I don't know what my reaction would be now if I was presented with the silent treatment again. I HOPE that I've progressed enough in my recovery that I'd see it for what it is (something that comes from illness) and understand that it has absolutely NO bearing on who I am, what I am, and what I feel at the moment.
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I *may* be conflating "addict" behavior with "borderline personality" behavior.... However, I'm pretty sure I've read about the silent treatment as one of the blame-deflecting* techniques that is a common trait among people in active addiction. If there's anyone with some actual knowledge about this (as opposed to my piecemeal philandering) I'd very much appreciate enlightenment.
There are some threads here on SR that explore the topic a bit, although in some cases the person instigating the silent treatment is the codependent, not the addict:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...treatment.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ociopaths.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...treatment.html
I think in my case I'm particularly sensitive to the silent treatment because it was my father who did it to me so often, from my early childhood well into adulthood. It's a horrible thing for a parent to negate the existence of a child in that manner, and as I work through more and more of the codependent issues I have with my (ex)partner, I see the face of my father peering up from the bottom of that oh so deep well.
* I almost wrote "blame-throwing".... could be a term for either side of the street, eh? S/He's a BLAMETHROWER....
There are some threads here on SR that explore the topic a bit, although in some cases the person instigating the silent treatment is the codependent, not the addict:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...treatment.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ociopaths.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...treatment.html
I think in my case I'm particularly sensitive to the silent treatment because it was my father who did it to me so often, from my early childhood well into adulthood. It's a horrible thing for a parent to negate the existence of a child in that manner, and as I work through more and more of the codependent issues I have with my (ex)partner, I see the face of my father peering up from the bottom of that oh so deep well.
* I almost wrote "blame-throwing".... could be a term for either side of the street, eh? S/He's a BLAMETHROWER....
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Dear Misoberbio,
I think what you wrote is really good. Thanks, I feel braver. I'm a girl and had a relationship with a cocaine addict. To begin with everything seemed normal...we were in love and I could not see any problem...but soon the dream became a nightmare and I thought I was the one to be wrong. He was really good in making me feel that way... He would find 1000 faults even the smallest ones... To his eyes I was untidy, I was dirty, I did not wear nice clothes, I was not funny with his friends, I was not a WOMAN...how stupid I was trying to understand why he could not see the real me, the sweet girl who loved to prepare him food, who loved to comfort him in his deep lows, who truly took care of him...he just spat on my soul, was always so unsatisfied with all around him...always complaining...i thought he would have changed with my love still the voice within me would say to go away that he won't change but i was not listening...i don't know why I kept staying there waiting for him to see the WOMan he could not see. I believe I was loosing myself...and I was...the fact is that I met him in the wrongest time of my life when i badly needed someone...unfortunately I met him the bad man behind blu eyes, the villain behind the white knight. When you don't know that world you are f...ed. I'm happy I came across this website. It is a kind of therapy I also want to write cos this helps me to feel better.It's amazing to see how many women have had this nightmare and it's amazing to see that so many have the strenght to say "enough" like you did. I also feel braver now. Thanks.....
I think what you wrote is really good. Thanks, I feel braver. I'm a girl and had a relationship with a cocaine addict. To begin with everything seemed normal...we were in love and I could not see any problem...but soon the dream became a nightmare and I thought I was the one to be wrong. He was really good in making me feel that way... He would find 1000 faults even the smallest ones... To his eyes I was untidy, I was dirty, I did not wear nice clothes, I was not funny with his friends, I was not a WOMAN...how stupid I was trying to understand why he could not see the real me, the sweet girl who loved to prepare him food, who loved to comfort him in his deep lows, who truly took care of him...he just spat on my soul, was always so unsatisfied with all around him...always complaining...i thought he would have changed with my love still the voice within me would say to go away that he won't change but i was not listening...i don't know why I kept staying there waiting for him to see the WOMan he could not see. I believe I was loosing myself...and I was...the fact is that I met him in the wrongest time of my life when i badly needed someone...unfortunately I met him the bad man behind blu eyes, the villain behind the white knight. When you don't know that world you are f...ed. I'm happy I came across this website. It is a kind of therapy I also want to write cos this helps me to feel better.It's amazing to see how many women have had this nightmare and it's amazing to see that so many have the strenght to say "enough" like you did. I also feel braver now. Thanks.....
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Mely86,
Thanks for your kind words, and welcome to SR (although I'm not an official "welcomer"). As you contribute more posts to the site, you'll find that it IS a sort of therapy – talking/writing about our experiences helps us to process them, see them from different angles, and get feedback from others.... sometimes that feedback can have teeth, but it's almost always meant to help you see yourself more clearly.
If you haven't already explored the option of attending support groups like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, I would recommend that you consider it. From what you wrote, it seems that you could benefit from the understanding that you'll find in such a group... I certainly have.
There's one thing I'd like to clarify: as you said, there are many women who have had this nightmare, and it IS amazing to see so many of them on SR who have said "enough" to an abusive relationship, but I happen to be a man (and my (ex)partner is a man, as well).
Please keep writing, and reading, and listening to your soul.
Thanks for your kind words, and welcome to SR (although I'm not an official "welcomer"). As you contribute more posts to the site, you'll find that it IS a sort of therapy – talking/writing about our experiences helps us to process them, see them from different angles, and get feedback from others.... sometimes that feedback can have teeth, but it's almost always meant to help you see yourself more clearly.
If you haven't already explored the option of attending support groups like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, I would recommend that you consider it. From what you wrote, it seems that you could benefit from the understanding that you'll find in such a group... I certainly have.
There's one thing I'd like to clarify: as you said, there are many women who have had this nightmare, and it IS amazing to see so many of them on SR who have said "enough" to an abusive relationship, but I happen to be a man (and my (ex)partner is a man, as well).
Please keep writing, and reading, and listening to your soul.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posts: 124
It's raining here in Buenos Aires.... time for another trigger!
Rain.
I hear it and I instantly think about him. I think about him standing under a tree or a bridge, waiting for the rain to stop. I think about him showing up at my door, cold and wet, shivering, and begging me to let him back in. I think about the many times he came in from the streets and the smell of his shoes after having been soaked so often...
It's not only negative stuff that I associate with my partner and the rain. I know that he has a strong attraction for the sound, and when I hear it I think about HIM hearing it. I think about the pleasure that he feels when he's listening to it. I think about him getting out of bed in the middle of the night and opening all the windows just to hear the rain better, then coming back and curling up against me. I think about him waking me up just to listen to it with him.
This is a MAJOR trigger for me. I know that I'm codependent and that I allowed such enmeshment to occur, but at the core I believe that he loved me, and that I loved him. I know that an addict's mind is somehow hijacked, and that he will never be able to act upon his love until he enters into recovery... But as I listen to the rain (and it's really coming down right now), I hear a secret, plaintive voice inside me saying, "Please come back."
Rain.
I hear it and I instantly think about him. I think about him standing under a tree or a bridge, waiting for the rain to stop. I think about him showing up at my door, cold and wet, shivering, and begging me to let him back in. I think about the many times he came in from the streets and the smell of his shoes after having been soaked so often...
It's not only negative stuff that I associate with my partner and the rain. I know that he has a strong attraction for the sound, and when I hear it I think about HIM hearing it. I think about the pleasure that he feels when he's listening to it. I think about him getting out of bed in the middle of the night and opening all the windows just to hear the rain better, then coming back and curling up against me. I think about him waking me up just to listen to it with him.
This is a MAJOR trigger for me. I know that I'm codependent and that I allowed such enmeshment to occur, but at the core I believe that he loved me, and that I loved him. I know that an addict's mind is somehow hijacked, and that he will never be able to act upon his love until he enters into recovery... But as I listen to the rain (and it's really coming down right now), I hear a secret, plaintive voice inside me saying, "Please come back."
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Over here.
Posts: 369
i am triggered by the sound of loud breathing...it raises my blood pressure because it is one of the side effects from opiates that was pronounced with him. i also tense up at the sound of pills in a bottle...and the sight of syringes. the other day, i was working at a client's home, trying to help her clean up and sort through a bunch of garbage. she is diabetic and everywhere we looked there were syringes. they were all over. it was great exposure therapy. LMN...i also find myself looking into everyone's eyes more than i ever used to because of my codie obsession with comparing and contrasting pupil sizes. the upside to this is that i am looking everyone in the eye. eventually the connection will be broken.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Quite honestly, I am triggered by many things.....and often they come out of the woodwork and I don't expect it. I try to simply recognize and acknowledge the fact that I'm triggered.....it's a feeling I get. I try (most of the time successfully but not always) not to react at all to whatever that mystery thing is that pops up and triggers me. Posts here on SR often trigger me......those are the ones that I usually try not to respond to......because my response is often not helpful in those situations.....at all. Knee jerk responses are something I was very good at (not bragging here....this is NOT a good trait!) and this is a character defect that I often ask my HP to give me a hand with! lol
If I wait to respond.....think about it.....and go back later, I can deal with it in a more positive and helpful manner (if for no one else...at least helpful for me).
gentle hugs
ke
If I wait to respond.....think about it.....and go back later, I can deal with it in a more positive and helpful manner (if for no one else...at least helpful for me).
gentle hugs
ke
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