sparkerly

My boyfriend is an alcoholic. When he's drunk, he can get easily irritated and have a temper. He's so gentle, sweet, and loving that I never thought he'd lay a hand on me. Well....he did a few weeks ago....he pulled my hair to get out of his apt and kicked me out. (Then he reserved a hotel room for me to stay after)

Now, he's asked me to marry him before and says he loves me completely. He wishes to spend the rest of his life with me till he dies. However, after that incident...he said he doesn't want to hurt me anymore because he doesn't know how to stop drinking so he said we can't be together.

I know, I know he's trouble....I know it. I'm just so in love with him, that I can't believe he'd just let me go and not try..
Most guys after they hurt their girlfriends, they'll plead "sorry" and whatnot. But him? He just "doesn't want to ever hurt me again and so we can't be together." Which makes me even more puzzled and dumbfounded.....if a guy loves you, don't they want to try? He has tried to stop drinking for a while before he met me, but he failed.

I guess I just wanted to know if anyone was in a similar situation and share some advice?
I felt like every sweet thing he's said to me was a lie...our whole relationship was a lie...but at the same time my heart won't let go and believes he loves me.

Please don't insult me, I know this sounds stupid...my heart is just in so much pain cause as silly as it sounds, I really thought he was the one before all this crap happened. I can't think, I can't sleep, I can't eat...my last resort right now was to confide here and read other stories or advice or something, just ANYTHING. sigh.

and a question: Have you ever loved someone so much that you rather just break it off because of your own problems? Or is it just an excuse and you don't love them enough...

thislonelygirl

Sounds like he is saying what he said. No secret messages involved.
He is telling you he could hurt you again and he wont stop drinking.
I dont think this is loving someone soooooo much so let them go its loving to drink but having the moral capacity to Know right from wrong but not wanting to give up your drug to do so.
He could quit if he wanted to and if he truly believed he should or loved you more than the drink...
His reasoning would be the other way around.
Its the truth. Accept it. He may love you but he loves the drink more.
Many alcoholics stop drinking. He could if he wanted too.
Many alcoholics hit their low and that pushed them to quit.
Think about it....he hurt you physically and thats not low enough for him to quit.
Hes not ready and because he is not ready and thats not low enough...hell do it again.

The best thing you can do is give him the information for affordable rehab outpatient etc
And tell him.....to respond to his I dont know how to quit....with..heres how.
And allow him to get help and sober before continuing a relationship.
That is if he will . If not then you know what I said as truth and I would give him much much more space further from him

FeelingGreat

Hi Sparkerly
I feel for your pain. It sounds like you would put up with a lot to be with him, but he is the one calling it off, and that's the only thing holding you back. In a way his decision is keeping you safe.
Even seemingly hopeless cases can recover (read some of the other posts from those who have done it) but they need to want to very much. Your ABF is not there yet, and he may never be, but maybe being apart from you could force him into that place. Do you think it would be worth getting some material together to guide him to recovery options? But if he isn't willing, and if you can, let it go.

Audrey1

I don't think it's an excuse, I have thought many times before that my RABF and I should just break it off for both of our sakes, rather than try to battle through what seemed like an endless, endless nightmare.

I could have written your post while my partner was drinking, except for the fact that my partner was, and still is very selfish in his love for me. We both love each other very, very much, but while I would have been prepared to break up to give us a chance to sort ourselves out and get on with our respective lives, he wasn't. But then, he's a very romantic person (believe it or not!), whereas I am a more practical person. I think the only way he could let me go is if I stopped loving him. I wished for that to happen, but I never did.

The good news is that when it got to the final breaking point for us and I actually left him, he finally decided perhaps he could quit drinking after all, that cutting back was no longer an option, and he got help. We are now back together.

It sounds like your partner is trying to protect you, so although he loves you, he can't control himself well enough to be sure he won't hurt you. I think this is actually a very noble thing for him to do, sparkerly, and you will thank him for it one day.

I hope you don't take what I say next as an insult. God knows I felt just like you the first thread I started. But I will gently suggest that you try to bear in mind that of his two loves, he has still chosen alcohol over you.

CentralOhioDad

This is my response as well. He knows he has a problem, he knows it controls his life, he knows that it could possibly destroy him and take you down as well.

You, my dear, have been offered a gift of being let go. Audrey is right, he's doing you a favor of saving yourself from what he might become. Hair-pulling last time might be a slam into the wall next time.

Do I believe he loves you? Yes, and that's why I think he is doing what he's doing. Not any easier, but down the road it will all become clear.

Peace and Blessings,
C-OH Dad

Florence

This is a gift. At various points in our relationship, I can see in hindsight where I should have let things be instead of fighting to hold onto a failed relationship.

The best advice I can give, the advice I wish I'd followed, is to do nothing. Sit and feel your feelings, let the grief be grief, and when you get through to the other side, once you can talk about him and your relationship without feeling gutted, take a look at your ABF and really take stock. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Could you live like this, with his addiction the way that it is -- or worse -- forever? If not, you would have dodged a major bullet. He doesn't want to be with you. Honor him and yourself and your dignity by honoring that request.

Hugs, lady.

MamaKit

Sparkery,
I think it was Maya Angelou whom I heard say "When someone tells you who they are .....believe them."

I have no doubt that he feels great love for you. However, his ability to offer you the love you deserve is completely diminished by his alcoholism. I'm sorry for your pain. I think you've received wonderful advice here. I hope you accept what he has told you and that you take care of yourself.

For those of us who have lived through marriage, children, abuse and divorce with an A - we can imagine the path that may be laid out before you with this man. I'm sure we thought our love would conquer all and that we would be okay. There were good times with my STBAXH. My two wonderful sons are on this Earth because of him. But I could have done without the pain, suffering, financial ruin, and alterations to my very core that the illness of alcoholism brought to my life.

Please continue to read and post here. We get it and we care about you. Some of us have been right where you are now.

(((((Hugs))))))
MamaKit

LexieCat

Nothing I can add to the wisdom here. Just sending a hug.

I know it hurts now, and it's impossible for a non-alcoholic to understand how anyone could choose alcohol over a loving relationship. I have friends who stopped driving because they feared they would drive drunk and hurt someone. While obviously the wiser choice would be to stop drinking, at least they know they cannot trust themselves at that particular point. He is doing the same thing.

Grieve the breakup and move on with your life. You might keep him in your prayers, too, if you do that sort of thing. Not to get him back, but for him to have sobriety and peace in his life someday.

m1k3

((((HUGS))))

I know you are in all sorts of pain and confusion right now. It is not a good place to be.

I agree with the other posters that you are being offered a gift. I passed on this gift a couple of times in the past. It was not a wise decision.

A saying I heard someplace and I don't remember was was very helpful for me.

Pain instructs or it brings more pain.

Your friend,

sparkerly

Thank you so much everyone, I really appreciate it...
I felt like I was losing my sanity and felt miserable earlier but after reading everyone's reply, you all are right.

I did think about the hard and difficult path if I wanted to continue being with him and thought our bond and love could conquer...but I was in fantasy land and love isn't enough to solve everything. However, these replies have made me really realize it will take so MUCH of my soul. Already dealing with him right now has taken a great deal out of me...

I love him, but he does love alcohol. He admitted a while ago that he was scared he didn't love anything more than alcohol because it has taken so much of his life and he just can't stop even though he wants to. He hates and loves it at the same time... he even tried to make me stop drinking it because it's evil and any chance of an addiction is every time you take a drink. He's done counseling and had a health adviser. He's tried abstinence and cutting down when that didn't work. He had a DUI and those meetings still didn't work either. Maybe the right answer is to go to rehab, but anyway...

He has given me a gift of letting me go and I shall take it. I just couldn't understand how he could let me go so easy and not bother to try but I guess the simple truth is he knows he will hurt me again. It will be hard now, but I will have my dignity and most of myself and I thank you all for it. I won't go down that path and be dragged along...

Thank you again everyone, and if anyone reads this and hasn't replied yet, please feel free because it really does help

choublak

You could turn this around and be glad that he's being honest, as opposed to playing sociopathic mind games with you.

Many active alcoholics will "fake recovery" as a means to distract their partner, so that they can continue drinking. Would you rather he string you along with false hopes that he's quitting?

LexieCat

I think you are being very wise. And his situation isn't necessarily hopeless, because he at least seems to have some understanding of addiction, and a bit of insight into his condition. But it could be years down the road before he is ready to throw in the towel and stop struggling with the booze, and you don't need to be along for what could be a VERY bumpy ride. And potentially a very dangerous one.

sparkerly

LexieCat, yes his understanding of the addiction and the realization that he is the one with a problem is new to him...his past relationships were different and apparently, he was more selfish back then. Only this time, he is able to realize himself and the promises and hope of "I will change" will probably be broken like it did in his past relationships.

Thank you dear

ZiggyB

I am sorry, It sounds to me like he knows what he is doing.

Yes there were times when I felt bad and I had to break things off with someone because my head was such a mess and it became painful.

There are guys out there who won't hurt you -- go find one of them and leave this one

pattyG

Sparkerly,

You are very wise to make that decision. Alcoholics that don't stop drinking progress. They change and what good you might see now becomes obliterated. I too understand the feeling gutted and desparation of being left or let go. I hung on to my relationship until my nails bled and my psyche was so depressed I couldn't function. Their crazy makes you crazy.

LadyinBC

You definately don't need to be dragged down with him. Which will most likely happen if you stay with him.

Being an alcoholic myself I will never beable to guarantee anyone that I'll never drink again. And the reality is if he quit neither could he. I don't ever want to, and I pray everyday I won't, but all it will take for me is one drink and I'm down that path again. One second of being complacent could screw me up. There are countless threads on here of people relapsing and I hear it a lot at AA meetings (and I'm not critizing them). All I can say is that I won't drink today.

You deserve someone who will treat you well and treasure you AT ALL TIMES. Not just when he is sober. Please don't settle for anything less.

Recovering2

Alcoholism, untreated, is a progressive disease. No matter how much you love him, if he doesn't find sobriety and work at it, you can't save him or your relationship. If he's pulling your hair and throwing you out now, it's not going to get better in the future.
You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. No matter how strong your love is, you can't do anything about this.
He has given you a gift. Take it. Find an AlAnon group and start working on your own health. You will heal from this, but you have to focus on you.
I wish you the best.

PippiLngstockng

What lovely advice you are getting here. I am too new to recovery to add much in the way of wisdom...but I can say, you at not alone! My AH has not only chosen the srink over me - but over our 4 amazing beautiful loving talented brilliant strong and funny and insightful children. How could he choose drink over any one of them?! Let alone all of these phenomenal people plus a wife who is really pretty ok herself .

What is so great about booze anyway?
It's turning him into one lousy human being...angry, abusive, depressed...

But I am wondering if booze isn't just that. Without us he can do what he pleases, see other women, do his sports without the constraints of Saturday rehearsals and kids' soccer games, play allman brothers songs all day.

I think it was I who cherished the family and he went along with it but part of him loves himself way more than us. That was impossible for me to imagine because love and children and responsability seem like unquestionable priorities to my way of thinking. But maybe that was also a failure on my part to think that his mindset was at all like mine.

So maybe your guy loves you, but loving just isn't as fulfilling to him as his drink/drinking lifestyle are to him, ultimately.

You are lucky he is this honest with you. Strange how something so unfortunate and heartbreaking could be way better than some alternatives, eh?!

What is working for me is loving myself and life and my children and friends.

bamboo10

My abf never physically hurt me but when he first admitted he had a problem he tried to end it. He told me it would be best for me. Well...we decided to try. 9 months later-I left. I should have listenend. If he knows he will only hurt you-then he will.

NYCDoglvr

Great observation. It's much more relevant to ask yourself why you want someone who hurts and insults you. Do you trust and respect him? If the answer is no it's a good idea to ignore your feelings and walk away quickly.