The kids, my life and is he serious?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 2
The kids, my life and is he serious?
Hi: I'm new, from england and have never written in one of these forums. My husband is the Alcoholic. We were married 10 years ago. I kind of knew he was a heavy drinker but never realised that over those 10 years, he'd become abusive and start to get so drunk, he would pee his pants. He used to drink socially; heavily; then at home; then alone and then apparently, in the car because I wasn't impressed with his immediately can opening before taking his coat off.
So, we have 2 girls aged 3 and 5. He never drank at work; only at night; very functional. Has his own business. He did get a DUI and crashed his car into a tree very very drunk 5 years ago. Alarm bells rang. He quit for 6 months from the shock but explained he was fine. and so it began.
After the 2 girls; he told me 1 1/2 years ago in Aug 2010 that he was secretly boozing; wanted to give up; go to AA and that he wanted to put the girls in a private school; work hard and let life be good. I was relieved and things were good for 10 months, when he drank a bottle of wine in 15 minutes while I was in the shower one night; and casually told me before going to bed. I cried and cried. He seemed to not care; like he had the right to it? He just said casually, "I screwed up".
Since that first time he has done it 2 times again. Both times, while I was out. I went away on a 3 day retreat and he got drunk while looking after the girls; they were in bed and he was downstairs, but he drank himself drunk.
The last time was this Saturday night just gone. We went to a 65th aunt's birthday party. I said, are you ok to go; he said, yes but I want to go when i want to go. I said fine, but we have to at least stay for a few hours; its a big party. He said fine. 11 pm we agreed. We got there; he drank cola; looked miserable as usual. He is always miserable socially now. At 10:15 pm he said, he wanted to go. I said, ok, he sneak out; I'll wait until 11 and then make my exucses. We had only been there 1 1/2 hours; just got there. I was having fun also. I said, wait in the car; he refused and said he'd drive home and I could stay at a friends house. I said "fine" ...
He came home; let the babysitter go and then proceeded to drink 2 litres of beer and a bottle of wine. He stunk the next day. I asked; he lied; I laughed and he knew he was rumbled.
I feel like he set me up. He said he wanted to go early so that I had to stay. it would have been embarrassing to leave just after we arrived. I was having a great time. It was my mum's best friend and my mum just died? I wanted to stay. He knew that. He set me up. Why couldn't he wait in the car for me? Is that so unreasonable? I would have left at 11. He knows that. I have in the past.
I do drink. I'm a normal drinker; 2 glasses of wine. I love people and socialising. He used to too; but now I see, it was just the booze he liked, perhaps the not the people.
My question is: I have other evenings out; when I'm stsaying away from home. I CANNOT TRUST HIM WITH MY BABIES? He cannot be left with them. The next one is Thursday, in 2 days. I have his old mother coming over which is a hassle; so that he is not alone. I've told him this; he said, "no way". I said, I wouldn't go for the night then. So he has agreed.
Am I supposed to do that? Go about my business and just get people to be in to keep the kids safe? Or cancel my trips?
I have stayed in for 1 1/2 years; I want to go on my girls trips and have fun. I feel like he is punishing me for his staying sober?
What do I do?
Set boundaries? He doesn't seem to respect me? I've thought many times about leaving him. Should I use that as a consequence? Should I still do my things? Should I stay home?
I do love him; I know he's new to AA. I am willing to help him. I just don't know wheterh i'm suposed to give up my life in doing so? I realise that I need to go to Alanon and I'm going in 2 days. In the meantime, I'd like to hear anyone's advice. I hope Alanon isn't sitting there talking; and nobody answering your questions. If it is, that'll be frustrating. Please tell me there is discussion and not just avoiding people's eyes and moving on to the next thing without discussion?
Thanks.
So, we have 2 girls aged 3 and 5. He never drank at work; only at night; very functional. Has his own business. He did get a DUI and crashed his car into a tree very very drunk 5 years ago. Alarm bells rang. He quit for 6 months from the shock but explained he was fine. and so it began.
After the 2 girls; he told me 1 1/2 years ago in Aug 2010 that he was secretly boozing; wanted to give up; go to AA and that he wanted to put the girls in a private school; work hard and let life be good. I was relieved and things were good for 10 months, when he drank a bottle of wine in 15 minutes while I was in the shower one night; and casually told me before going to bed. I cried and cried. He seemed to not care; like he had the right to it? He just said casually, "I screwed up".
Since that first time he has done it 2 times again. Both times, while I was out. I went away on a 3 day retreat and he got drunk while looking after the girls; they were in bed and he was downstairs, but he drank himself drunk.
The last time was this Saturday night just gone. We went to a 65th aunt's birthday party. I said, are you ok to go; he said, yes but I want to go when i want to go. I said fine, but we have to at least stay for a few hours; its a big party. He said fine. 11 pm we agreed. We got there; he drank cola; looked miserable as usual. He is always miserable socially now. At 10:15 pm he said, he wanted to go. I said, ok, he sneak out; I'll wait until 11 and then make my exucses. We had only been there 1 1/2 hours; just got there. I was having fun also. I said, wait in the car; he refused and said he'd drive home and I could stay at a friends house. I said "fine" ...
He came home; let the babysitter go and then proceeded to drink 2 litres of beer and a bottle of wine. He stunk the next day. I asked; he lied; I laughed and he knew he was rumbled.
I feel like he set me up. He said he wanted to go early so that I had to stay. it would have been embarrassing to leave just after we arrived. I was having a great time. It was my mum's best friend and my mum just died? I wanted to stay. He knew that. He set me up. Why couldn't he wait in the car for me? Is that so unreasonable? I would have left at 11. He knows that. I have in the past.
I do drink. I'm a normal drinker; 2 glasses of wine. I love people and socialising. He used to too; but now I see, it was just the booze he liked, perhaps the not the people.
My question is: I have other evenings out; when I'm stsaying away from home. I CANNOT TRUST HIM WITH MY BABIES? He cannot be left with them. The next one is Thursday, in 2 days. I have his old mother coming over which is a hassle; so that he is not alone. I've told him this; he said, "no way". I said, I wouldn't go for the night then. So he has agreed.
Am I supposed to do that? Go about my business and just get people to be in to keep the kids safe? Or cancel my trips?
I have stayed in for 1 1/2 years; I want to go on my girls trips and have fun. I feel like he is punishing me for his staying sober?
What do I do?
Set boundaries? He doesn't seem to respect me? I've thought many times about leaving him. Should I use that as a consequence? Should I still do my things? Should I stay home?
I do love him; I know he's new to AA. I am willing to help him. I just don't know wheterh i'm suposed to give up my life in doing so? I realise that I need to go to Alanon and I'm going in 2 days. In the meantime, I'd like to hear anyone's advice. I hope Alanon isn't sitting there talking; and nobody answering your questions. If it is, that'll be frustrating. Please tell me there is discussion and not just avoiding people's eyes and moving on to the next thing without discussion?
Thanks.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
He didn't do what he did IN ORDER to set you up; he set you up so he could drink. I'm sure he was miserable at the party looking at all those other people drinking while he sipped his coke and couldn't WAIT to get out of there so he could drink.
This is what alcoholics DO. The drinking takes priority over anything else. It isn't that we want to be that way, but it is how we are.
So, given those facts, what do you do? Well, it doesn't seem like leaving the kids with him is a great idea--he will use your absence as an opportunity to drink. You could leave them with a sitter instead. Yes, it is inconvenient, and yes, he should be more responsible. But right now he isn't, and you cannot trust him to be. He might promise, with every intention of following through, but he cannot trust himself, either.
Whether to leave him or not is a very personal decision. I would suggest you get to some Al-Anon meetings to help clear the fog and rage out of your head so you can make decisions that are best for you and for your children.
This is what alcoholics DO. The drinking takes priority over anything else. It isn't that we want to be that way, but it is how we are.
So, given those facts, what do you do? Well, it doesn't seem like leaving the kids with him is a great idea--he will use your absence as an opportunity to drink. You could leave them with a sitter instead. Yes, it is inconvenient, and yes, he should be more responsible. But right now he isn't, and you cannot trust him to be. He might promise, with every intention of following through, but he cannot trust himself, either.
Whether to leave him or not is a very personal decision. I would suggest you get to some Al-Anon meetings to help clear the fog and rage out of your head so you can make decisions that are best for you and for your children.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
If finding, hiring and having childcare in the house makes him uncomfortable while he is there, then may be there is a problem and he needs to see it first hand and feel inadequate by the mere presence of a Nanny. We know hiring a baby sitter/Nanny is stupid when mom or dad should be perfectly able and fit to do it but when alcohol is involved by a parent of young children, you have to do what you have to do to make sure those kids are safe. If he complains of how it's a waste of money and whatnot, I would remind him that the safety of the children outweigh any cost that he is about to absorb while you go out for a night of respite. It's called PEACE OF MIND!
As far as divorce, that's your choice. I do know that when I looked my RAH in the face and told him the buck stops here and you'll start the New Year alone!!! He knew I meant it because I'm tired of his crap, the lies, the wasted money he p!sses down the toilet, being alone and his obscene quacking. Ugh... I am so done with being his doormat and gateway to a drunk life, picking up his slack, him not doing anything but drinking, lying, driving drunk, calling off work... Whooooo hoooooooo attitude... Screw that!!!
Hire the Nanny and go have fun!
As far as divorce, that's your choice. I do know that when I looked my RAH in the face and told him the buck stops here and you'll start the New Year alone!!! He knew I meant it because I'm tired of his crap, the lies, the wasted money he p!sses down the toilet, being alone and his obscene quacking. Ugh... I am so done with being his doormat and gateway to a drunk life, picking up his slack, him not doing anything but drinking, lying, driving drunk, calling off work... Whooooo hoooooooo attitude... Screw that!!!
Hire the Nanny and go have fun!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 47
Meetings and more meetings
Hi thanks for sharing your life experiences with us. We can relate. Your situation sucks and is common among us. Only through complete frustration and what I thought was failure as a husband I was forced accept that I could do NOTHING to control my wife's insanity. Man, pain and tears and deep fears. The only option for me was to go to AlaNon. What a blessing
!
You will get answers and great ideas how to deal with day to day issues living with an alcoholic, drinking or not. I arrived at AlaNon simply beat and out of ideas. Today I'm happy and live my life the way I feel I should. I have options I didn't know. Let us know how your meeting goes. Peace.
!You will get answers and great ideas how to deal with day to day issues living with an alcoholic, drinking or not. I arrived at AlaNon simply beat and out of ideas. Today I'm happy and live my life the way I feel I should. I have options I didn't know. Let us know how your meeting goes. Peace.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 2
Did you leave your APartner?
Thanks for the responses; I'm wondering, did all you people leave your A Partner's? Is that why you're so happy? Is that what I'll find at Alanon? A way to leave them and live happily? Or a way to live with them and happily? Is there a way to live with an Alc and be happy?
UPDATE: I have organised for him to pick up his mum. He has to drive an hour one way to get her and an hour back. So she can stay for 12 hours overnight. She has no idea why. But he won't be able to drink with her in the house.
He said no to the idea at first. I told him, that my Bfriend would not be getting the company of myself in London if he didn't agree. I told him, taht I'd told Louise why. He respects louise and to some extent, i think he doesn't want to ruin my evening. His 3 relapses have been 6 weeks apart. So, he isn't due another one for a while.
UPDATE: I have organised for him to pick up his mum. He has to drive an hour one way to get her and an hour back. So she can stay for 12 hours overnight. She has no idea why. But he won't be able to drink with her in the house.
He said no to the idea at first. I told him, that my Bfriend would not be getting the company of myself in London if he didn't agree. I told him, taht I'd told Louise why. He respects louise and to some extent, i think he doesn't want to ruin my evening. His 3 relapses have been 6 weeks apart. So, he isn't due another one for a while.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I wound up leaving my alcoholic partner, but I wouldn't say that's why I'm happy. If I'd stayed involved with Al-Anon I might have never gotten involved with my last relationship, which was unhealthy despite the fact that he wasn't drinking (but mine sure ramped up).
Al-Anon doesn't advise staying or leaving. It does help you to make good choices for yourself, so that if you choose to stay you can do so safely and without having the alcohol control your life. And, for most of us, just leaving doesn't make everything magically all better, either, any more than simply quitting drinking doesn't make everything all better for the alcoholic. You will learn a lot in Al-Anon about your own behavior and how to change it, and your thinking, so you can be a happy and whole person whether you stay in the relationship or not.
Glad you were able to work out arrangements so you can go see your friend.
Al-Anon doesn't advise staying or leaving. It does help you to make good choices for yourself, so that if you choose to stay you can do so safely and without having the alcohol control your life. And, for most of us, just leaving doesn't make everything magically all better, either, any more than simply quitting drinking doesn't make everything all better for the alcoholic. You will learn a lot in Al-Anon about your own behavior and how to change it, and your thinking, so you can be a happy and whole person whether you stay in the relationship or not.
Glad you were able to work out arrangements so you can go see your friend.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 10
I don't have any pearls of wisdom, but from someone who has been in this exact situation ( I have children and could not trust him to watch them so I could even go out with friends) and even now that he isn't drinking and is getting helping (voluntarily) I am still cautious about leaving my children with him. Even though I know he isn't drinking, I ask a neighbor to keep an eye on everything and call me...but we are still together and maybe some day, I can trust him again. But not right now, and probably not for a long time.
It sucks to feel like a prisoner to another adult, that you have to have a babysitter for your kids, and another for the adult. I'm very sorry.
It sucks to feel like a prisoner to another adult, that you have to have a babysitter for your kids, and another for the adult. I'm very sorry.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Wales, UK
Posts: 70
Hi Photo
Reading your post was an eye-opener for me. I'm the alcoholic and I realised that I'm very similar to your husband. The people in my life don't trust me at all and are just waiting for the next relapse. I must confess that their lack of trust and 'babysitting' annoyed me but when I read about your pain, it made me realise how appallingly I've treated them.
The problem is that until someone is ready to stop drinking, threats and cajoling will make no difference. It's very sad but alcoholism is a very selfish disease and the alcoholic thinks about nothing apart from where their next drink is coming from. All you can do right now is look after yourself and ensure the children are safe and hope that your husband comes to his senses very soon. Leaving him is a very personal decision but you can't allow him to destroy you. My thoughts are with you.
TM
Reading your post was an eye-opener for me. I'm the alcoholic and I realised that I'm very similar to your husband. The people in my life don't trust me at all and are just waiting for the next relapse. I must confess that their lack of trust and 'babysitting' annoyed me but when I read about your pain, it made me realise how appallingly I've treated them.
The problem is that until someone is ready to stop drinking, threats and cajoling will make no difference. It's very sad but alcoholism is a very selfish disease and the alcoholic thinks about nothing apart from where their next drink is coming from. All you can do right now is look after yourself and ensure the children are safe and hope that your husband comes to his senses very soon. Leaving him is a very personal decision but you can't allow him to destroy you. My thoughts are with you.
TM
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
My question is: I have other evenings out; when I'm stsaying away from home. I CANNOT TRUST HIM WITH MY BABIES? He cannot be left with them. The next one is Thursday, in 2 days. I have his old mother coming over which is a hassle; so that he is not alone.
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