EnderWiggin

my last drink was on 11/28/2012. i've been doing fairly well...attending meetings, working the steps, trying to stay busy. temptation has been there but i haven't had a drink.

i made it through the holidays, which is a stressful time at both work and at home, without a drink. new years eve came and went without me touching any alcohol.

so today, since things have settled down a bit at work, i took the day off. knowing i'd have today off made me crazy last night! i kept telling myself that i should reward myself...for doing so well over the holidays...with a 12 pack!

that sounds so ridiculous to me today, rewarding not drinking with a drink, but last night i was convinced that made sense. to the point where i had to call my sponsor (even arguing with her).

normally i'm a very logical person. thinking of something so illogical is disturbing, and i believe an illustration that my thinking may never be normal again.

just thought i'd share. thanks for listening.

Ghostlight

Yes, I've had thoughts like that, too. Illogical as thay are. Glad you didn't drink. I know I have before when that kind of thinking took over.
You did a great job!

YEM

For me, one of the main points of diligently working a program is so I can defend myself from those thoughts. My addiction rears its head at all kinds of random times. At first it was to escape stress or bad days, then went to reward for good days, then it gets quiet for sometimes months at a time and will come out of no where and whisper and try and convince me that since I have been sober as long as I have that I have beat it and can now control my drinking and using. If that doesnt work it seems to turn my body against me and if I'm achy, it tells me a pain pill or 4 would take that edge away.

I feel like the darkness in me is like an ooze that slides around inside of me looking for any crack it can to get in and get the party started again. The battle is far less intense than it was at the beginning but it is still there and I work a program on a daily basis because my disease does not take a break from trying to kill me.

bbthumper

As you said this is alcoholic thinking. Sometimes it seems we are most at risk of this when things are going great. Our guards are down. You called your sponsor. Great idea. Dont get down on yourself for this type of thinking which is beyond your control. Just re-double your efforts. Keep up the meetings and steps and this insane thinking will cease soon.

Natom

As much as you think the thought of drinking is crazy considering what you have been through it is a common occurence in the minds of addicts and alcoholics. I am a master of selective thinking. I got a job, I wanted a reward....I made some sales, I wanted a reward. I read up on this and I realise I live by the 'entitlement theory'. I believe/believed that I was entitled to everything for nothing. So when I do something good my head goes into overdrive. I could justify a reward of anything. I could use on material goods, food, drink, drugs. It doesn't matter it's just the same thought process. Just try to reward yourself with something healthy in the future. A trip to the movies, theatre, or a meal etc.

Natom.

MIRecovery

Have you worked a 1st step with a sponsor? Until Alcohol is not an option for anything it is impossible to stay sober long term. I eased into the 1st step by admitting to myself I could never drink normally but eventually admitted that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanagable by working with a sponsor.