cr995

I got told by a friend yesterday (even though I have asked him not tell me what is going on with STBXAH) that he just wanted to let me know that he had heard that AH is extremely ill with cancer and just thought I should know.

He cannot say if this is true but he can say that AH did collapse and was found to have high blood pressure and is now having to take medication.

What am I supposed to do. AH is now with new GF - and surely that is all the help he needs right there.
As I have not been asked - I just mind my own business right? I have not discussed this with my daughter as I do not want to worry her and really all I think I can do is focus on my own life - I feel angry that I have to go down this road and yet that seems so selfish of me. I just don't really know how I feel actually - except I did not want to face today at all. Anybody been through this or similar? How did you cope?

ReflectingOnMe

Drinking and high blood pressure seem to correlate..which could be the reason he passed out. I wouldn't take anything seriously that I heard through the rumor mill. I feel for you and understand how the "not knowing" about their lives is painful and scary. We spend so much time worrying about their health that it is hard to let go. I used to wake up beside him and he would be so still and cold that I was afraid he had died in the night. Thinking of you this evening.

dollydo

"AH is extremely ill with cancer."

I'd be careful about the rumor mill. My exabf use to start all kinds of rumors about
himself for sympathy. As for the high blood pressure that may very well be true, meds
can handle that issue.

I'd take a wait and see attitude, of coarse, I hope that it is not true. Remain calm, keep working on you.

amy55

I had cancer. Is he going for chemotherapy, or radiation? Taking medication, idk, just doesn't sound right here !!!!!!

I'm not an expert on cancer by any means, but as dollydo said, I hope it is not true, but again, watch out !!!!!

ZiggyB

Hi
Well, I have not been through anything exactly like this but I do know when I ran into the ex before the holidays he told me he has been sick with an incurable disease. I did offer to take him out for coffee and he declined. I know there is nothing I can do so I am trying to MYOB and not be tempted to meddle in his affairs, which he never seemed to like anyway.

I would be thinking for your daughter's sake he would inform you if it was anything serious. I could be wrong though. There's not much you can do about it one way or another, it sounds like he does have assistance & support if he needs it.

LifeRecovery

I struggled with "worry" (and sometimes still do) for about a year.

I realized though that all I got out of any kind of connection was just a larger dose of worry and frankly more hurt.

Not being in contact did not seem to impact him one way or the other, not being in contact seemed to help me.

It took a lot of lessons though before I got there.

About the new GF piece....it took a bit but I realized with my exH new GF it meant that I had been "fired" from that kind of worry.

cr995

I have now stopped all communication with AH. He knows full well that mutual friend tells me EVERYTHING and he told mutual friend a few days ago that he was ill and had collapsed. I just feel like I'm being manipulated. For all I know he misses insulting me and is just looking for an opportunity to do so again. But I have decided that I am maintaining NC. It's the only thing that stops me feeling worse. I just guess I'm worried that I'm being irresponsible. He had a heart issue about a year ago, he looks like a scarecrow and apart from the drinking is a very heavy smoker. I feel like this situation is just something else that goes with the territory. I don't know if GF is still around and am determined not to ask. I really want to build on the progress I've made and don't want to get sucked back in.

dollydo

"I really want to build on the progress I've made and don't want to get sucked back in. "

That's it! Keep moving forward.

LifeRecovery

I don't think you are being irresponsible. If you are anything like me you were probably more worried about his health earlier in your relationship then he was.

He made the choices regarding his health....and I know I was not able to influence that with my loved one....

Sometimes there are consequences to actions....and you are giving him the freedom to make them and face them.

This was so hard for me....and it has been such a relief since I did it.

Recovering2

He's not yours to worry about anymore, so keep taking care of you. If he is truly ill, it is HIS responsibility to talk to your daughter about it. Until he does, I would chalk it up to rumor.
BTW - I have concerns about this mutual "Friend" of yours. If you've asked this person to please not tell you about your ex, why is this person not respecting your boundary? What kind of friend would add to your struggle like that? I would revisit whether this is a good friendship for you right now.

seek

I also question the motives of your "friend." I would fire that "friend," asap.

PohsFriend

I had cancer... Know what you can do about it? Not a goddamned thing.

Actually I was lucky, after getting that crap cut out, burned, peed on and forgotten there are not many things that scare me. Cancer was easier than alcoholism. I knew one of us would win and the other would lose. I have a cycling jersey from a race for the cure 100 mile event, back says 'cancer is my bi-ch!'.

Nothing you can do about it. Pray, wish him a cure or a fast loss and go about your day. I didn't tell anyone til I won.

redatlanta

I am with Recovering2 - why is the 'friend" sharing this information with you when you have asked this person not to tell you anything? Sounds like "friend" who is still in contact with you both has found a job, meddling with cr995 and her AH.

I certainly don't know the extent of you Ah's illness but until he decides to let you and your daughter know I wouldn't put any stock into it. Things don't move quickly in determining cancer and such - lots of tests it's not something generally diagnosed in an hour or a day. I hope this is nothing more than rumor -