Justshy

Well, here we are on sober day 14 for my RAH. I'm so proud of him. He is still at a hotel and refusing to have much contact with me except for the kids. Apparently yesterday he took them to look at apartments, ones that rent on a monthly basis. I'm trying to see that as a good thing...that he is looking to rent one for 2 months rather than 6 months. However, it is going to put a serious strain on our finances. To me, it seems that will make things worse instead of better. I still don't understand why he can't live in our home while trying to heal. He tells me that he doesn't want a divorce, yet, he also says things like "if" we ever work on our relationship and "if" he ever moves back home. I feel like if only I knew the right thing to say, he would come home. I'm halfway through the book Codependent No More and I see myself on every page. All I want to do is fix things and support my husband in his recovery. He won't talk to me at all and says he can't stand being at our house. I'm trying to stay calm and realize that this isn't the end of the world...but I really don't understand how living apart, getting us in more debt, and disrupting the kids lives can be looked at as a positive thing. More than that, how will living in an apartment by himself with no daily responsibility (such as the kids, dogs, household stuff) make him want to return to "reality", meaning our home with lots of responsibility?

lovesunandsnow

Do you think this might give you time to think about what you and kids need?

You have the chance right now to support him with love and understanding of him working on getting sober and you seem from your post to understand it's not the end f the world. So if that is the case let him be doing what he needs to do and hopefully this will give you the time to do what you need to do. Space sometimes helps uncover what is really needed for both people. I wish you tons of understanding, strength and knowledge while life has a way of working it's self out!

Hugs to you..

Shadydeal

Trying to figure it all out makes my head spin! I know the best thing to do is stop trying to figure out which is much easier said than done! At this point, I think all you can do is leave it alone! The more you push the more he will move further away! I realize this isn't helpful and it's hard but truly think your best bet! Take care

Maylie

I am both a recovered A and a loved one of As and I can tell you from experience that at only 14 days sober, the best chance at him staying sober is to do exactly what he is doing, getting an apartment for a month or two to work on himself.

The beginning of sobriety is extremely hard, and someone at only 14 days sober needs to completely throw themselves into a program of recovery and self reflection. He is not capable of being the person that you want him to be- he can't just come out at 14 days sober and go back to being the 'man of the house' and resume his responsibilities. Unfortunately, they don't get clean and then suddenly go back to being the same person they were before they got addicted.

There is nothing you can do to make him come back to "reality". In fact, he best thing he can do is work on himself and gain sober time and move forward in his recovery program. Just because working on his program is what is best for him, doesn't mean that it is what is best for you and your family. The amount of time it will take him to be able to cope with reality and be a stable, happy, and truely in recovery man is unknown. There is no time line for getting sober and fully being in recovery.

I wish recovery ment getting clean and then just going back to reality, but sadly, its not. Maybe while he is working on himself, this would be a good time to get some personal counseling and see if this is the relationship/marriage for you and what you need to do to ensure you feel fulfilled, happy, and content.

Pelican

Because 16 years of living in the home with kids, dog, wife and daily routines didn't fix his addiction ~ instead, it progressed under those circumstances.

The added expense of an apartment may not be realized. He isn't spending money on booze that he drank every day at work. He isn't spending money at bars everyday after work until late night. The money he isn't spending on booze can go towards his recovery expenses.

NYCDoglvr

Ditto, Maylie........... The best thing for him is complete focus on recovery and not being sucked back into family drama. Let him get sober on his own then talk about the the relationship. I suggest praying for acceptance of the fact the future is unknowable, unlpredictable. Alanon is was a lifesaver for me.

Seren

Hello justshy, I'm really so sorry for your pain. I do understand it and think many here do, too.

While I don't think taking care of children, paying bills, and maintaining a home is 'family drama', I have come to accept that family members are often not the best source of support for an alcoholic in early recovery. I don't think any of us can tell you what the future holds, and I do realize how absolutely frustrating that is--because you want to know NOW what the future will hold.

All I can do is send you hugs and let you know that for me, as for quite a few of us, acceptance and patience are hard won battles when it comes to dealing with an alcoholic loved one.

Please do not hesitate to come here and vent any time you feel the need. We are good listeners!