TurtlePower

So...

I've basically lost everything...

And I've tried restarting so many times with so many repetitive failures.

I feel like I'm going to fail again tonight and I just can't take another failure at the moment. Not being able to get a job. Not being able to stay sober. Not being able to take back the past or assure stuff I done won't happen in the future. I just can't take another failure right now.

I've been to rehab, meetings, discussions, forums, etc... Nothing seems to work.

And now, I feel myself getting frustrated by the situation I'm in (living with family with practically nothing) and, even though I recognize alcohol has put me in this position, feel like why not just go back out.

The only thing different about this time is that I've told people (who have begged me to tell them when I have an urge) that I'm having an urge right now. And I've signed up here to look for some help.

So here goes... Any advice? Any thoughts?

Sapling

You ever work the 12 steps of AA...As laid out in the book...With a sponsor?

TurtlePower

I did one time... Right after rehab.

Then went back out... And sponsor and I never recontacted.

Delilah1

Signing on here when you have an urge is a great thing. Your life may not be exactly where you want it right now, but it can and will get better if you stay sober. Use the time you are living with family to reconnect with them. Take some time to find a job you will love instead of just for a paycheck. Try getting outdoors, it always helps me clear my head.

Spend some time reading and posting on here and you will find loads of support and wisdom.

Sapling

Just curious...You wrote a fourth step?....Did a fifth step with him?....You did steps 6 through 9?....It sounds like you're having a problem with step one.

TurtlePower

If I'm being honest ( and I guess now is as good a time as ever), it was more done to appease the halfway house I was living and at that time, I enjoyed the success of stepwork....

Sapling

Half measures?

TurtlePower

have availed us nothing...

LadyinBC

Maybe look at this from another angle. Alcohol didn't put you in this position you put yourself there. At the end of the day we are the ones that decide to take the drink. It isn't easy to stop, find that small part of you that refuses to give in to the urge.

Dee74

Hi and welcome TurtlePower

Personally, I don't believe any of us is beyond hope. It took me 15 years or so from the first time I thought 'hmmmm I shouldn't drink' to when I actually stopped.

Don't discount anything - there's so many methods and schools of thought in recovery now...look at them all...even the ones you've looked at before - after all, we all change...who knows? maybe the experience this time will be a better one?

here's some links to some of the main recovery players:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you also visit our Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

There is hope and there is recovery for all of us, if we're prepared to do whatever it is that's needed

D

ultrabunny

I posted something very similar about 2 weeks ago.

Im a serial relapser..lost faith in everything. I quit..then start again. Its an exhausting cycle been going on nearly 20 years or so.

Im 12 days sober. Not an AA person but using Antabuse, exercise and this site.

Its not at all easy but they way I see it is that I would rather keep trying then just let the addiction take all of me.

Good luck :-)

TurtlePower

I'm trying to find that part. I just am having a hard time...

It's like there is no part left to find.

Sapling

Why don't you give it an honest shot?....How about an honest answer to this question...Are you done?

TurtlePower

Honest answer- I want to be.

Sapling

I dont hear any desperation in you....What are you doing tonight?...That you think you will fail at?

TurtlePower

Apparently this conversation.

In earnest, everytime I've said "I'm done" and truly meant it, it was a set-up for failure a few days later...

2granddaughters

Turtle, you've heard AA's "How It Works" read many times at meetings. What part don't you get/agree with ?

Saying "I'm done and meaning it" coupled with regular attendance at AA meetings works for me. I can't do it myself.

I wish you the best.

Bob R

Sapling

Your first post you said...I feel like I'm going to fail again tonight...Are you going out with drinking buddies?...Hanging out in a bar?

Minimus

Telling people about the urges is a major step. It represents honesty - with oneself as well as others. It is a positive sign.

Rather than talking about failure, it would be more accurate to talk about symptoms. Repeated relapses are symptoms of alcoholism. Great difficulty getting and staying staying sober are symptoms of alcoholism. Blaming oneself for drinking and remorse over the consequences of drinking are symptoms of alcoholism. Drinking to relieve the pain caused by drinking is a symptom of alcoholism.

What has happened and is happening to you has happened to millions upon millions of others, including me. Figures vary, but approximately 12-14% of the population in the U.S. is alcoholic. That is a lot of alcoholics. Most of them are still drinking - but a surprisingly large number are sober. Many who are now sober had great difficulty, suffered and caused much suffering before sobriety.

Since you asked for advice, here's mine: 3-6 months of residential rehab sounds about right for starters. This means living recovery 24/7 for what sounds like, but really is not, a long time. That, in any event, was what it took for me. I should add that I did not volunteer for it. You could say I was finally made an offer I could not refuse. By the time I got out I had begun to get at least a dim idea of what AA was all about, so it wasn't too hard to continue the meetings, even though I still didn't care for them all that much. But I went anyway. Why not? I didn't have anything else to do.

Like many other recovering alcoholics I have known -most, actually- I went from thinking "AA is not for me" to "Where has this stuff been all my life? Why didn't someone tell me about this sooner?" They tried. I wasn't ready.

Whatever you do, I wouldn't suggest monkeying around with this thing. Half measures do not yield halfway results; they yield no results, or rather, negative, less than zero results. This is no monkey on the back, it is King Kong. It will set your fields on fire. The absolute worst approach is to try to handle it all by yourself. The next worst approach is to try to handle it with just a little help, or as a kind of part time project. Get involved with others, make it -your recovery- full time, the most important thing in your life, stick with it regardless of what you happen to think or how you feel, listen to people who have been there and come back, and success is virtually assured. I kid you not. The number one mistake in my own experience and what I have observed in others is underestimating the problem. It is worse than it seems.

tomsteve

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.
thoroughly have we seen a person fail who has rarely followed our path.