Fdm

I'm not sure what happened to me. I have been on and off the wagon for awhile now. I stopped drinking beer, went to bourbon, and now, expensive single malt scotch.

I think the triggers for failure since I left the forums were work. I work alone most of the time. I never receive assistance with investigations and the politics of work really got to me. My boss was told that he will lose his job next year due to poor performance. It didn't help that my fellow ambitious coworkers staged a mutiny of sorts and ratted him out to his superiors.

It's left me in a difficult position. I could apply for his job, which I may or may not get, or I can stay where I'm at and spend the last 4 years of my service to the Dept working for I'm sure will be a politically appointed lackey.

I'm good at what I do, but I have the type of job that no one will pick up the slack. It's all me.

Add this to the holidays, and I really have no joy right now. I don't speak to my father, who abandoned me as a young child, who I really loathe. I don't speak to my mother, who kept me from my fathers family my entire life until I was 18. Neither one of these people have bought my kids anything for Christmas, and neither have made an effort to see me or my family for over a year. I also harbor ill will towards my fathers family, as they never made an effort to see me all those years, despite living in the same town. They knew and I didn't.

I harbor ill will towards my maternal deceased grandparents. They paid for my younger brother's college education and gave me nothing. I feel like they punished me for impregnating my teen girlfriend. That child has grown to a young adult with a child on the way. We have a decent relationship. We're more like friends.

I just have a lot of stuff going on in my head. Drinking is my escape.

Sorry for the rant, but I can't tell people this stuff. I should add that I have no desire to forgive my family. I know it's gonna sound bad, but I really don't care.

Dee74

Hi FDM

Honestly? it doesn't sound like the escape thing's working, man. You don't sound 'escaped' or free to me.

Look, I had a lot of resentments too - and some of them were valid,or at least I thought they were.

But I never ever was able to move on them while I was drinking.

Drinking for me was like spinning my wheels - year in year out I'd gun my engine in rage...and get nowhere....maybe even sink a little deeper into the mud.

Sobriety gave me the traction to get myself out of there.

What happened to me, whether it was 30 years ago or yesterday at work, doesn't define me - how I react to it? just might.

D

Fdm

I knew you would show up Dee. Thanks.

I need to do some soul searching.

Dee74

I found soul searching is good - but don't stint on the action FDM.

I didn't need to solve all my problems to stop drinking.
I needed to stop drinking to start to solve all my problems

Doing the same old things will likely give you the same results.
If you're ready for change, FDM? make changes

best of luck - have a good day.
good to see you back

D

hamabi

Alcoholics who have great lives, apart from the twists of being alcoholic have no easier time staying sober than people who share the difficulties you've experienced.

Actually they may have a harder time continuing their drinking as they've nothing and no one to hang their self-inflicted misery on.

But ultimately none of those long ago plus or minus' serve very well as reasons to continue making ourselves sick. They do for a while but eventually even we can see through them. If I, as a 25yr old man drank for days and lost a job, it's really hard to pin that on how strict Mrs. Moore was during my 2nd grade year.

Eventually I caught on who was responsible for my problems and difficulties, and who stood the best chance of doing the things that improved my life.

Minimus

Had anyone so much as hinted to me before recovery that I was brimming over with resentments and self-pity, I would have been incredulous and angry. Me? Full of resentments and self-pity? Not a chance! I would have developed more resentment and self-pity because I would have felt grossly misunderstood and maligned. Anybody who could accuse someone like me -me!- of resentment and self-pity clearly had no idea of what I was having to go through!

After drying out and getting started in recovery, I began to see that perhaps I did after all exhibit some signs of resentment and self-pity, but I was convinced that in my case such feelings were more than justified by the reality of the case. Anybody would feel the same way, given what I had to deal with. All the holier-than-thou talk I was hearing about acceptance, letting go, life on life's terms etc. struck me as misguided and morally weak, even cowardly. Someone, after all, needed to stand up for what was right! To accept things I did not like, things that were not -in my opinion- right seemed like dereliction of duty. Was I supposed to roll over and play dead? Was I supposed to like and even to agree with things I knew to be unfair and unjust? The very idea made me (more) resentful.

These attitudes seem humorous to me now. I can laugh at myself for thinking that way for most of my life. There was nothing funny about them at the time, however. I was quite prepared to do battle to defend my right, indeed my moral obligation, to resent the things I felt justified and even required resenting.

I am not sure how long it took me to get over such an amazingly infantile and self-centered point of view. As a matter of fact, I am not sure I am entirely over it now. The difference is that I now recognize it for what it is and know that, besides being childish and ridiculous, it is bad for me. I no longer cling to it and refuse to let go of it. I know that ruminating over and resenting things I do not like accomplishes exactly nothing except to make me feel bad, that just because I do not happen to like something does not always mean that the universe has gone awry or that a cosmic injustice has occurred, and that in any case reality is reality - and that my job is to play the cards I have been dealt to the best of my ability instead of whining and complaining about them.

TTBABP

Let go of the resentments FDM the only ones they hust are yourself.

nonblondechef

Forgiveness is actually healing for the forgiver. Merry Christmas.

hypochondriac

The great thing about giving up drinking is that you can experience all the usual crap you have to deal with and not drink.

I used to constantly drink because I'd had a stressful day, or this or that had happened, but they were just excuses.

If you're struggling to get sober then take some time out to do it, and if you are struggling to stay sober make sure you get the right support.

I am not sure any of our personal circumstances make any difference to what has to be done at the end of the day. Good luck x

Xune

I read your post a couple of times. I've got to say that you sound really angry and pissed off about a lot of stuff.

I can tell you that I found freedom when I stopped drinking and am working on achieving peace through forgiveness.

Best of luck.

Fdm

Thank you all for chiming in. I need folks like you.

sirbiznitch

I don't know of any advice or great quotes I could cite to you.. I've only been sober for 3 days now.. its for a lack of a better word.. its F'n hard... I my self lost two daughters.. and am being faced with loseing a step son... This is a rough road to recovery but I know the more hate that you hold in your heart the harder it will be to quit.. I'm on my second marriage now and I just found out yesterday I may asvwell expect divorce papers.. the point I'm trying to make is.. is that there will always be adversity in anyone's life but its up to you to decide wether or not to fall down or stand up and look it in the face and manage it. I feel where your coming from because I'm living the same thing.. I wish you the best and hope you consider what I'm doing.. finding a group to talk to.. being around people with the same problems and hearing there stories let you know that your not alone and you can do this.. best of luck to you. Don't ever give up..

CaiHong

Minimus,

Welcome to the forum. I just wanted to say I really liked your post. I still feel resentments but am aware of the resentments. Whether they are justified is not the issue. I don't hate the person as much as I hate the resentments now.

It is quite simple, not easy but simple and needs work.

Fdm some great advice here,hope it gets through to you. it is impossible to see things clearly if you are still drinking. How are you going to tackle that one?

CaiHong

Itchy

I have occasionally thrown self pity parties but even while drinking I disgusted myself and got over them in a few seconds.

Alcohol provides us an avenue to run away from all of our problems . . . except the results of using alcohol. <sigh>

stillhere12

you hang in there, too, S

Fdm

I poured all of my open bottles of alcohol down the drain upon awakening this Christmas Day.

While I hope that this brings me joy, I am very upset that my mother and father chose not to give my children anything for Christmas. No matter what my relationship is with them, my children are innocent. I have a pretty effed up family.

I will never forgive them. This has been building for some time, and the crescendo is here today. I feel nothing for them. Nothing.

hypochondriac

That sure is sad Fdm. I hope you don't let it ruin your day though. Y'know someone in a meeting I went to once said something which made me think. I still have loads of resentments (specifically towards my parents) for stuff that happened years ago but is unforgivable in my eyes. I didn't see how I was supposed to move past it really. But this guy said that he used to get angry and drink on that stuff whereas now he prays for them because they're sick people. I don't know if that'll make any sense to you or not, but it made me realise that all my years of trying to 'fix' my mum and make her see things differently were a waste on my part. It's all part of letting go, stop trying to control how people behave and pray that they'll get better instead. It's still hard sometimes but I am making steps towards not letting other peoples actions dictate how I feel. I hope you have a nice Xmas anyway xxx

Fdm

Thanks Hypo. You might have just made my day.