confusedgirl1

Just wondering if anyone else is feeling stressed and worried about what will happen over the holidays???? Of course mine has attended AA and been with sponsor every night this week (since his "slip" last weekend), but today is his last day of work...and pay day....for the holidays. I decided to take call at work and not go to my families in Alberta a month ago as it isnt worth the stress of him making an idiot of himself. So now here starts yet another beautiful time of the year and I am sick with worry over what will happen. Every holiday is the same here, but am hoping and praying this will be different; just cant shake the worry though. I am looking forward to the New Year though as I am planning some big changes....just wondering if anyone else is feeling the worry I am feeling. Sometimes I feel like I am setting myself up...I mean maybe he will stay sober....for the first time in over 25 years for xmas......ps...you are all in my thoughts and prayers every night. I am so thankful for all of you on here and so greatful that I found you. I truly hope we all have a merry xmas.:ghug3

Pelican

Can you make a Plan B?

I no longer worry about someone else's unacceptable behavior when I can make a Plan B to remove myself from that behavior.

If he chooses to drink, rather than sit through the drama of his continued addiction; can you have a place to escape to? A hotel that is near by, a bag pre packed with some essentials, cash stashed (well stashed), and gas in your vehicle may remove some of your worries over having to sit in the front row of his latest drama.

If there are children, pack a bag (or have their items neatly folded into a section of drawer where it can be quickly grabbed)

"The Courage to Change the Things I can" (me, myself and I)

Have courage, and make a plan B.

thislonelygirl

Oh yes confused girl. Hollidays are stressful. I try not to let it bother me so much but I can understand your feelings. Theres alot of stress when it comes to an a around the hollidays....what they do what they dont do how it effects us or how it effects that day. Try to enjoy yourself though make the best out of any situation for yourself. If its an indoor at home holliday....enjoy it! Listen to Christmas music lol...make hot cocoa...bake (which is always a fun thing to do) call a friend amd chat about whatever....read a good book...anything that will put the hollidays together for you and get your mind off negativity .
I find that when you busy yourself when able you can put your concentration into something positive.

Confetti

I am finding this holiday season to be a bit stressful too. STBXAH and I are in the midst of divorcing. He is really off in his own world. I asked him a month ago when he would like visitation over the holidays, but he has yet to respond. I know that he will show up last minute and cause drama, so I am trying my best to prepare for that. He now must take his visitation completely around my schedule with the children. I worry though....part of me thinks he'll show up just to cause drama and attempt to ruin Christmas and the other part of me thinks he won't even bother to see his children.

Personally, It would be a more enjoyable and relaxing time if he didn't bother to come around. However, I hope that for his children's sake he can at least have a nice sober day with them...and hopefully a gift or two. His behaviour is ramping up toward something....I just don't know what. I like to try to be a step ahead of him, but he is so off the wall as of late, that the best I can do is be on high alert.

Although on the plus side!!!....this will be the first Christmas that I won't have to take separate vehicles to a party because he will stay there and drink, I won't have to haul him home and watch him pass out in the passenger seat, listen to drunk angry rants, rewrap the christmas gifts because he has urinated on them, or remake any christmas goodies because he has drunkenly destroyed them. ....Even with the stress of his unknown behaviour...it will be far more laid back.

ODAT63

I keep telling my sons that what ever their dad did during the holidays was not a reflection on them but on the A alone..

choublak

Yes! But I tend to create a lot of my own stress...

CentralOhioDad

I'm kind of saddened that AW decided to get all moddy and depressed and said she doesn't care whether Christmas happens or not! For crying out loud, we have a 2.5 year-old - how can you NOT like Christmas!?!??! He's been an absolute angel for over a month now with no meltdowns or much of any other bad behaviour, and she's depressed??

Well, guess what - I'm not going to let her lousy 'tude mess with Santa Claus, dammit! We are going to have a great time, regardless of how she feels. If she wants to participate and be engaged, that's fine, but I won't allow her to bring down the family.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

C-OH Dad

thislonelygirl

Oh man! I get this! I think its the addict behavior in them
Ah seems uninterested about christmas.makes me sad ...upsets me. We have a 6 yr old and a 2.5 yr old and he too is all negative.
he seems like he could care less. If it was all up to him...we would have no tree. No gifts. Nothing just another day.
I believe because alcohol is a depressant ...they get all sad etc plus if its not about them. They dont care. Selfish addict trait.

fluffyflea

Who doesn,t get stressed. Had a big fight with my son at noon,great way to start the weekend.

Audrey1

Hi confusedgirl

I've been getting increasingly stressed about Christmas and New Year too, especially with all the awful memories of what happened this time last year coming back to haunt me. This is not helped by the fact that ABF's brother is coming to stay with us. He has even bigger problems with drinking and is an incredibly bad influence on ABF. Although my BF has quit drinking now and seeing a therapist (does this make him a RABF...?), I am certain his brother will push him and push him to drink anyway. He's just like that. Seriously. It's like a challenge for him.

But this stress is pointless. ABF is learning to say no, and although this time will be a big test for him, it's an important one. I have been feeling sick to my stomach as Christmas has approached, but the turning point came this morning when ABF (or RABF) and I decorated our tree. He really is like a little kid at Christmas. He loves it. So I have made a decision to try to let go of all this worry and relax, do my best to ignore the brother's appalling behaviour, and believe this time will pass without incident.

Good luck.

takecourage

So dreading it all. Last Christmas has memories of a huge issue between RAH an me. After he "didn't have time" to buy a present for me, he had the nerve to accuse me of "neglecting the family" after I bought and wrapped gifts for all 6 of his grand kids, our 2 sons, and both extended families. "Neglecting the family" really means doing something for myself and leaving him home in the corner watching TV.

Things didn't get a lot better at Mothers Day when his older brother came over and made a complete arse of himself. Thought I would need to call the police. Then I realized I married into a family of holiday-ruiners. Maybe it has something to do with them growing up with an alcoholic father.

No active drinking going on here, just a bunch of self-centered, obnoxious behavior and prescription pain-killers.

I so wish I could go to bed tonight and wake up on December 26. I have the hugest pain in my shoulder and neck. I'm sure it is stress.

Mightyqueen801

I hope everyone's Christmas/Holiday is better than they expect.

I am sorry for those who are having trouble and I thank those who shared their encouragement and told of how they handle their holidays with strength.

Although I divorced the AH more than ten years ago, at this time of year I seem to flood with old memories of how sad and terrible Christmas was with him. It was my only chance at marriage, and it bothers me to know I have no happy Christmas memories of being married. I just remember having to drag him out of the bar so I could have a tree -- we'd be the last idiots there late in the day on Christmas Eve buying a Christmas Tree and then I'd pretend we'd have fun decorating it together when he was really just wanting to drink and didn't give a rat's ass if we had a tree or presents or whatever, not even after our daughter was born. It's just ... so sad to remember how I hoped and dreamed that things would be different. I missed that part of life, and now it's too late.

But you know what? It wasn't different and there isn't a damned thing I can do about it now. I'm alone, yes, and I know I always will be, but my daughter will come home from college/and then her father's on Christmas Eve this year and stay until the day after--last year she was in Asia for Christmas and so I didn't bother with a tree--but this year I've got one and I'm going to decorate it and enjoy my Christmas with her.

Just had to clear out those old cobwebs, I think. Ugh, I wish those memories didn't come back to haunt me. The loss of old dreams and the sadness of getting older and knowing all the chances for the good stuff are gone.

BoxinRotz

My AH (who says he is DONE and showing improvements) is excited about Christmas. He is the one who kept me in the store yesterday and actually kept me calm enough to buy a couple gifts because I was sick and the crowd was aggitating me. I'm coming home Christmas Morning from a 12 hr shift and going to bed. We will be woken up to his son who will bring gifts and get his but I have nothing to feed them because of AH's stunt 2 weeks ago by calling off to drink.

I'm happy that AH is trying to recover from his alcoholism. I think instead of going out and decking the halls to make everyone happy and spend money, I'm going to count my blessings which are:

AH's recovery.
My 1st Granddaughter who will be here in May.
My children and his son.
My parents and surviving siblings and my Angel Sister.
My job.
My Furbabies.

I know it will be okay.

Audrey1

Wow. That might have been your Mothers Day, but you just summed up my last Christmas.

Lulu39

My XAH has already tried to ruin Xmas for me.

I made it clear I didn't want the kids around his drunken brother. Not only did he take them to his drunken brother's house he let his drunken brother drive them there. Then he let drunken brother's drunken wife drive them home.

I called my oldest son last night and he was whispering and afraid to tell me where he was.

I hate that drunken b@stard and his drunken family.

confusedgirl1

Once again thank you to everyone....it is amazing to me that there are others out there experiencing the same things I am. I always knew you were out there just had to find you. This board has helped me so much in the past few weeks that I had to share an update. So far so good. Yesterday was a little tense in the morning but somehow he snapped out of it and we got through and actually had a pretty good day. He opened up to me and talked about his emotions and feelings...this never happens. We are going to go skating today...of all things...and have plans to bowl with his family and then go to friends for dinner tomorrow night. Christmas day will be just the two of us...none of our 5 children come home due to the drinking which is okay for me right now as I would be a nervous wreck and stressed out worrying that he would slip up and drink. So xmas day will be quiet and relaxing...really feeling positive that we can get through this okay. Praying for all of you that your Christmas is calm, peaceful and that you find happiness. I am still a little anxious and prepared for the storm but hoping and praying that we can get through this...if we do it will be the first time in over 25 years he has been sober over the holidays. Love to every single one of you here and Merry Christmas....

Carol Star

They have the "isms" of the alcoholism; I, SELF, and ME.......they are stuck in the emotional age they were when they started drinking.......13, 14, 15 ?

Mightyqueen801

I had this conversation with my daughter on Christmas Day. Her dad (my EXAH) is not doing well--he lost his job nearly a year ago. He was a building super, a really good job, and the building brought in a property management company and said they wanted to use their own super...but, my daughter said, he'd come back to the building after getting drunk after work and say nasty things/get into arguments with the residents, and there were complaints against him, so that's probably the real reason for the job loss.

She says he's just sitting around now watching TV all day, started smoking cigarettes again, she found diabetes meds in his cabinet and asked him about them, and sure enough, he's been diagnosed with Type II diabetes. His girlfriend, who took my place as his enabler/codependent, is trying to find jobs for him, but he doesn't like anything she suggests. He acts like a teenager in his remarks and in his attitude. I told my daughter that life stopped for her father when he was 14 years old--on that day he found his nasty, abusive, alcoholic father dead of a heart attack, and he has never resolved his emotional problems about that. Also--BRILLIANTLY--on that same day his neighbor poured him shots of whiskey to drink, therefore reinforcing that when you are upset or there's a problem in life--DRINK!

But, he's stuck in that 14-year-old emotional state, at 56 years old. I had to warn my daughter not to take on the caretaking (this has been an ongoing conversation with her since she was 8 years old) when she asked me if there were any maintenance-type jobs available where I work that her father could apply for...it broke my heart to hear her ask that. She just wants him to be normal and productive. The answer, of course, is NO--people his age are retiring from where I work. They don't hire them at 56. And what I didn't tell her was that nearly 25 years ago I DID get him an "in" for a maintenance job where I work--he took the test, passed, and was called in for a physical--and did coke the night before the physical, as always self-sabotaging his chances. He never got a call to be hired, and I'm pretty sure it was because he failed the drug test. This conversation with my daughter just brought back those sad memories again.

It's hard to see my daughter where I was once--hoping that a person she loves will change and be something different from what he is.