None of the groups apply to me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 74
None of the groups apply to me.
I have been going to AA and al-anon meetings and it isn't helping. You go to the AA meetings to listen to the people to make sense as to why they drink?
I go to Al-anon because that's where you go when your spouse, partner, child drinks and this is suppose to help?
I listen to the people in AA and they are not saying anything. They just talk about the time frame in which they are sober. I don't hear anything about remorse, or how they treated their family, or what they lost?
In Al-anon I hear how we have to change how we have to accept the illness. It's our fault we are the way we are. The people in this group are to compliant or complacent in their situations. Maybe it is hard for them to relate when the problems were 20 years ago.
It's my understanding you should stick it out for 8 meetings. I've been going to two meetings a week. I got two weeks to go. Next week I am starting Acoa group maybe this will help put everything together.
Maybe it's the meetings I am going to??
I go to Al-anon because that's where you go when your spouse, partner, child drinks and this is suppose to help?
I listen to the people in AA and they are not saying anything. They just talk about the time frame in which they are sober. I don't hear anything about remorse, or how they treated their family, or what they lost?
In Al-anon I hear how we have to change how we have to accept the illness. It's our fault we are the way we are. The people in this group are to compliant or complacent in their situations. Maybe it is hard for them to relate when the problems were 20 years ago.
It's my understanding you should stick it out for 8 meetings. I've been going to two meetings a week. I got two weeks to go. Next week I am starting Acoa group maybe this will help put everything together.
Maybe it's the meetings I am going to??
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear redapples, are the meetings you are going to "open meetings"?
I am just speculating because I am not in AA--but I think the changes you are looking for would be more likely to appear in the step meetings.
sincerely, dandylion
I am just speculating because I am not in AA--but I think the changes you are looking for would be more likely to appear in the step meetings.
sincerely, dandylion
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Well, if you don't feel as though any of the groups apply to you, that's OK.
Perhaps you would simply get more out of reading a posting to a site like SR, or maybe you would prefer reading as much as you can about addiction and recovery from a variety of books.
What sort of questions do you have? What are you trying to achieve for yourself?
Perhaps you would simply get more out of reading a posting to a site like SR, or maybe you would prefer reading as much as you can about addiction and recovery from a variety of books.
What sort of questions do you have? What are you trying to achieve for yourself?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 74
I attend both meetings I am an adult child of an alcoholic, my partner is an alcoholic and drug user. I haven't seen any step meetings? Are they closed meetings? I don't understand.
What I am looking for basically is to hear the Alcoholics talk about their addiction and how it effected them and their loved ones. I need to hear remorse. I never heard it from my father I don't hear it from my partner. I want to know how these people feel now and how they felt when they were drinking. I know my situation is not the same but in one sense it is.
When I go to the al-anon meetings these are wives of alcoholics I am not a wife nor do I now live with an alcoholic. Its really weird to attend these meetings because they can't relate to me. They talk about their children and I can relate to the kid even when they can't. It's like walking on the set of the stepford wives they sit there and they smile and nod it's like looking at masked features. Really weird.
I am going to Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting on Tuesday, I am hoping this will help. I thought it was also weird they didn't think Acoa wasn't the same as al-anon or AA.
What I am looking for basically is to hear the Alcoholics talk about their addiction and how it effected them and their loved ones. I need to hear remorse. I never heard it from my father I don't hear it from my partner. I want to know how these people feel now and how they felt when they were drinking. I know my situation is not the same but in one sense it is.
When I go to the al-anon meetings these are wives of alcoholics I am not a wife nor do I now live with an alcoholic. Its really weird to attend these meetings because they can't relate to me. They talk about their children and I can relate to the kid even when they can't. It's like walking on the set of the stepford wives they sit there and they smile and nod it's like looking at masked features. Really weird.
I am going to Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting on Tuesday, I am hoping this will help. I thought it was also weird they didn't think Acoa wasn't the same as al-anon or AA.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
for me...i am a trait child...meaning
ma and pa are ACOA but dad is in so much denial...and mom and dad brought in so much DYSFUNCTION in their marriage....then my brother and i came along...
dysfunction is not clear..its not like that it was a sticky note on a fridge....I knew my family was off on "control and minding their business"...and still, the family has a hard problem with minding their own business...and especially owning up to their own crap....I have walked away from alot of family members, I can honestly say that i have had NC in 19 years and when i see them now, "it, (them) have not changed one bit"
i enjoy my growth...and learning what is needed to learn at that moment...
you will find your answers...just be open to it....
ma and pa are ACOA but dad is in so much denial...and mom and dad brought in so much DYSFUNCTION in their marriage....then my brother and i came along...
dysfunction is not clear..its not like that it was a sticky note on a fridge....I knew my family was off on "control and minding their business"...and still, the family has a hard problem with minding their own business...and especially owning up to their own crap....I have walked away from alot of family members, I can honestly say that i have had NC in 19 years and when i see them now, "it, (them) have not changed one bit"
i enjoy my growth...and learning what is needed to learn at that moment...
you will find your answers...just be open to it....
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
ACOA meetings aren,t the same,they are for adult children of alcoholics.
Originally Posted by Redapples 
I attend both meetings I am an adult child of an alcoholic, my partner is an alcoholic and drug user. I haven't seen any step meetings? Are they closed meetings? I don't understand.
What I am looking for basically is to hear the Alcoholics talk about their addiction and how it effected them and their loved ones. I need to hear remorse. I never heard it from my father I don't hear it from my partner. I want to know how these people feel now and how they felt when they were drinking. I know my situation is not the same but in one sense it is.
When I go to the al-anon meetings these are wives of alcoholics I am not a wife nor do I now live with an alcoholic. Its really weird to attend these meetings because they can't relate to me. They talk about their children and I can relate to the kid even when they can't. It's like walking on the set of the stepford wives they sit there and they smile and nod it's like looking at masked features. Really weird.
I am going to Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting on Tuesday, I am hoping this will help. I thought it was also weird they didn't think Acoa wasn't the same as al-anon or AA.
What I am looking for basically is to hear the Alcoholics talk about their addiction and how it effected them and their loved ones. I need to hear remorse. I never heard it from my father I don't hear it from my partner. I want to know how these people feel now and how they felt when they were drinking. I know my situation is not the same but in one sense it is.
When I go to the al-anon meetings these are wives of alcoholics I am not a wife nor do I now live with an alcoholic. Its really weird to attend these meetings because they can't relate to me. They talk about their children and I can relate to the kid even when they can't. It's like walking on the set of the stepford wives they sit there and they smile and nod it's like looking at masked features. Really weird.
I am going to Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting on Tuesday, I am hoping this will help. I thought it was also weird they didn't think Acoa wasn't the same as al-anon or AA.
Last edited by DesertEyes; 12-16-2012 at 09:38 PM. Reason: fixed broken quote
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 74
Ok so AA is for Alcoholics, Al-anon is for ??? spouse of alcoholics, Al-ateen is teenagers of alcoholics and out there in left field are the Acoa the Adult children of alcoholics.
AA and al-anon groups that I go to say Acoa is not affiliated with them. I am trying to understand why not??? They don't know themselves already asked them.
AA and al-anon groups that I go to say Acoa is not affiliated with them. I am trying to understand why not??? They don't know themselves already asked them.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Are you going to A.A because you are an alcoholic?
Originally Posted by Redapples
I have been going to AA and al-anon meetings and it isn't helping. You go to the AA meetings to listen to the people to make sense as to why they drink?
I go to Al-anon because that's where you go when your spouse, partner, child drinks and this is suppose to help?
I listen to the people in AA and they are not saying anything. They just talk about the time frame in which they are sober. I don't hear anything about remorse, or how they treated their family, or what they lost?
In Al-anon I hear how we have to change how we have to accept the illness. It's our fault we are the way we are. The people in this group are to compliant or complacent in their situations. Maybe it is hard for them to relate when the problems were 20 years ago.
It's my understanding you should stick it out for 8 meetings. I've been going to two meetings a week. I got two weeks to go. Next week I am starting Acoa group maybe this will help put everything together.
Maybe it's the meetings I am going to??
I go to Al-anon because that's where you go when your spouse, partner, child drinks and this is suppose to help?
I listen to the people in AA and they are not saying anything. They just talk about the time frame in which they are sober. I don't hear anything about remorse, or how they treated their family, or what they lost?
In Al-anon I hear how we have to change how we have to accept the illness. It's our fault we are the way we are. The people in this group are to compliant or complacent in their situations. Maybe it is hard for them to relate when the problems were 20 years ago.
It's my understanding you should stick it out for 8 meetings. I've been going to two meetings a week. I got two weeks to go. Next week I am starting Acoa group maybe this will help put everything together.
Maybe it's the meetings I am going to??
Last edited by DesertEyes; 12-16-2012 at 09:37 PM. Reason: fixed broken quote
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 74
No Earthworm I am not an Alcoholic my father was and my partner is.
I am trying to understand the alcoholic I am trying to see if they understand how their drinking has impacted their families. But no one is actually talking about the damage they did. It's all about sobriety? It's like they were given a pass without consequences of what they had done. I see this in both the AA and Al-anon meetings, and I don't get it. I find this very frustrating, I am hoping when I go to Acoa this week things will start to fall into place. I am at a very low place right now and when I started going to these meetings it was like picking at a scab now it's all fresh and I am having a hard time dealing with this and I want answers.
I should have just dumped my partner and moved on.
I am trying to understand the alcoholic I am trying to see if they understand how their drinking has impacted their families. But no one is actually talking about the damage they did. It's all about sobriety? It's like they were given a pass without consequences of what they had done. I see this in both the AA and Al-anon meetings, and I don't get it. I find this very frustrating, I am hoping when I go to Acoa this week things will start to fall into place. I am at a very low place right now and when I started going to these meetings it was like picking at a scab now it's all fresh and I am having a hard time dealing with this and I want answers.
I should have just dumped my partner and moved on.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Nan Robertson "Getting Better".
This is a good book to explain the different groups.
I also was not aware that ACOA was a separate group and had developed to specifically address the adult children of alcoholics.
Many were not finding what they needed in AlAnon.
Very separate issues, since the children of Alcoholics are completely at the whim of the adults until they get to crawl away wounded as adults.
Very different set of emotions.
This is a good book to explain the different groups.
I also was not aware that ACOA was a separate group and had developed to specifically address the adult children of alcoholics.
Many were not finding what they needed in AlAnon.
Very separate issues, since the children of Alcoholics are completely at the whim of the adults until they get to crawl away wounded as adults.
Very different set of emotions.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Well I,m an Alcoholic and A.A definitely didn,t give me a hallpass of no consequences.
ACOA will probably be good,any ACOA stuff I,ve done has definitely been helpful to me.
ACOA will probably be good,any ACOA stuff I,ve done has definitely been helpful to me.
Originally Posted by Redapples
No Earthworm I am not an Alcoholic my father was and my partner is.
I am trying to understand the alcoholic I am trying to see if they understand how their drinking has impacted their families. But no one is actually talking about the damage they did. It's all about sobriety? It's like they were given a pass without consequences of what they had done. I see this in both the AA and Al-anon meetings, and I don't get it. I find this very frustrating, I am hoping when I go to Acoa this week things will start to fall into place. I am at a very low place right now and when I started going to these meetings it was like picking at a scab now it's all fresh and I am having a hard time dealing with this and I want answers.
I should have just dumped my partner and moved on.
I am trying to understand the alcoholic I am trying to see if they understand how their drinking has impacted their families. But no one is actually talking about the damage they did. It's all about sobriety? It's like they were given a pass without consequences of what they had done. I see this in both the AA and Al-anon meetings, and I don't get it. I find this very frustrating, I am hoping when I go to Acoa this week things will start to fall into place. I am at a very low place right now and when I started going to these meetings it was like picking at a scab now it's all fresh and I am having a hard time dealing with this and I want answers.
I should have just dumped my partner and moved on.
Last edited by DesertEyes; 12-16-2012 at 09:36 PM. Reason: fixed broken quote
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Yes you are right,Al-Anon I use to deal with my Son and S.O and insane family, A.A to deal with my Alcoholism, ACOA however is to deal with MY adult children issues.
/
/
Originally Posted by Hollyanne
Nan Robertson "Getting Better".
This is a good book to explain the different groups.
I also was not aware that ACOA was a separate group and had developed to specifically address the adult children of alcoholics.
Many were not finding what they needed in AlAnon.
Very separate issues, since the children of Alcoholics are completely at the whim of the adults until they get to crawl away wounded as adults.
Very different set of emotions.
This is a good book to explain the different groups.
I also was not aware that ACOA was a separate group and had developed to specifically address the adult children of alcoholics.
Many were not finding what they needed in AlAnon.
Very separate issues, since the children of Alcoholics are completely at the whim of the adults until they get to crawl away wounded as adults.
Very different set of emotions.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Redapples,
Please don't take this the wrong way.
The people at the meetings are all there for themselves and their own issues.
They are not staged to suit the ACOA coming in to find relief from the righteous anger and hurt and harm that has been their lot.
I am an alcoholic.
I left a meeting recently as I was majorly triggered by two men who, let's just say were not very "evolved" in there path to sobriety.
I was furious.
That was the ACOA part of me.
Please don't take this the wrong way.
The people at the meetings are all there for themselves and their own issues.
They are not staged to suit the ACOA coming in to find relief from the righteous anger and hurt and harm that has been their lot.
I am an alcoholic.
I left a meeting recently as I was majorly triggered by two men who, let's just say were not very "evolved" in there path to sobriety.
I was furious.
That was the ACOA part of me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 63
Redapples,
You might try some different Al-anon meetings. In my area there are a few Alanon meetings that focus on ACA issues.
Mostly as an adult child of alcoholic I attend ACA meetings and I work the steps through this program.
I do attend some al-anon meetings to supplement my ACA program and help with the co-dependent issues. It's pretty common for ACA's to get into relationships with alcoholics/addicts and/or some other ism - where the co-dependent buttons are triggered.
I'd ask around and check out different meetings - but perhaps the program isn't for you.
I also have a therapist. I find the combination of the therapy and having a sponsor very effective.
Best wishes and let us know how the ACA meeting goes.
Vicki
You might try some different Al-anon meetings. In my area there are a few Alanon meetings that focus on ACA issues.
Mostly as an adult child of alcoholic I attend ACA meetings and I work the steps through this program.
I do attend some al-anon meetings to supplement my ACA program and help with the co-dependent issues. It's pretty common for ACA's to get into relationships with alcoholics/addicts and/or some other ism - where the co-dependent buttons are triggered.
I'd ask around and check out different meetings - but perhaps the program isn't for you.
I also have a therapist. I find the combination of the therapy and having a sponsor very effective.
Best wishes and let us know how the ACA meeting goes.
Vicki
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Redapples,
Sorry you haven't connected very well yet with any of the meetings you have tried so far. Hope you are trying different groups because they are not always created equal... groups are not "organized" or "controlled" so you have to use some discernment and find one that fits.
I am also ACOA and this is an important cog in my wheel that I needed to unravel in my own journey of recovery.
First of all let me share that there are meetings which are the fellowship and then there is the program which is what is the basic building blocks of recovery.
Alanon and AA are places where you can find a lot of great information, lot of great sobriety, a lot of healed people who can share their E,S and H. You can also find a lot of people who are still very broken, very new and frankly haven't found the miracle yet. Some are looking and some are just hanging out and some are problem children.
We must learn to love them all in our journey and again, develop some discernment. If we had great discernment skills we probably wouldn't have ended up with alcoholics!
Here is what I have learned. Alcoholism is a family disease. There is no innoculation for this disease. There is no xray for this disease. An alcoholic is allergic to alcohol and I as an alanon, an acoa is drawn by my family disease to the chaos and insanity! I love alcoholics! But am allergic to the alcohol and alcoholic and you can see how that could create a lot of drama.
You don't have to drink alcohol to get sick on it. I was spiritually sick from my childhood of alcoholism and my choosing alcoholic partners.
Alanon got me to stop focusing on the alcoholic and my insane need to control, fix, shaming, blaming, criticisms and of course, the need to be "right" to be a martyr. To turn him into the man I WANTED!
I learned to give it over to God. To focus on my own part in it (yes, we do play a part in the alcoholic dance of insanity), to deal with the sickness of anxiety, anger, fear and my resentments. I learned to connect with God and deal with my own character defects and not play into the hands of the alcoholic insanity.
I stopped the dance. I refused to engage. I learned to not throw up walls but set up boundaries.
I released my XA with love and open hands to grow up and sort out his own problems and disease. I simply prayed for him.
This all happened because of the steps. The magic happens for the A and the alanon through the steps. The meetings are just geography. Sometimes you can hear a story that you can relate to or maybe just hear another drunkalogue tha used to make me wish I drank!
The solution is spiritual. And the meetings are just one way to start to find your own way out.
Did you ask for a temporary sponsor? Have you seen anyone who has a recovery, a peace, a serenity and is making sense to you? If so, go up and ask them if they will be your temporary sponsor. Try that out and see how that works.
I am happy, joyous and free. A year ago I almost shot my XA dead. Today I am not considering murdering anyone. That's progress!
Seriously, we both are strong spiritual paths of recovery 3000 miles apart. He wouldn't be there right now, doing as well as he is if I hadn't gotten out of the way and let go and Let God!
Hope that helps!
We are HERE FOR YOU! Don't give up looking for your path, your way to serenity and joy.
Sorry you haven't connected very well yet with any of the meetings you have tried so far. Hope you are trying different groups because they are not always created equal... groups are not "organized" or "controlled" so you have to use some discernment and find one that fits.
I am also ACOA and this is an important cog in my wheel that I needed to unravel in my own journey of recovery.
First of all let me share that there are meetings which are the fellowship and then there is the program which is what is the basic building blocks of recovery.
Alanon and AA are places where you can find a lot of great information, lot of great sobriety, a lot of healed people who can share their E,S and H. You can also find a lot of people who are still very broken, very new and frankly haven't found the miracle yet. Some are looking and some are just hanging out and some are problem children.
We must learn to love them all in our journey and again, develop some discernment. If we had great discernment skills we probably wouldn't have ended up with alcoholics!
Here is what I have learned. Alcoholism is a family disease. There is no innoculation for this disease. There is no xray for this disease. An alcoholic is allergic to alcohol and I as an alanon, an acoa is drawn by my family disease to the chaos and insanity! I love alcoholics! But am allergic to the alcohol and alcoholic and you can see how that could create a lot of drama.
You don't have to drink alcohol to get sick on it. I was spiritually sick from my childhood of alcoholism and my choosing alcoholic partners.
Alanon got me to stop focusing on the alcoholic and my insane need to control, fix, shaming, blaming, criticisms and of course, the need to be "right" to be a martyr. To turn him into the man I WANTED!
I learned to give it over to God. To focus on my own part in it (yes, we do play a part in the alcoholic dance of insanity), to deal with the sickness of anxiety, anger, fear and my resentments. I learned to connect with God and deal with my own character defects and not play into the hands of the alcoholic insanity.
I stopped the dance. I refused to engage. I learned to not throw up walls but set up boundaries.
I released my XA with love and open hands to grow up and sort out his own problems and disease. I simply prayed for him.
This all happened because of the steps. The magic happens for the A and the alanon through the steps. The meetings are just geography. Sometimes you can hear a story that you can relate to or maybe just hear another drunkalogue tha used to make me wish I drank!
The solution is spiritual. And the meetings are just one way to start to find your own way out.
Did you ask for a temporary sponsor? Have you seen anyone who has a recovery, a peace, a serenity and is making sense to you? If so, go up and ask them if they will be your temporary sponsor. Try that out and see how that works.
I am happy, joyous and free. A year ago I almost shot my XA dead. Today I am not considering murdering anyone. That's progress!
Seriously, we both are strong spiritual paths of recovery 3000 miles apart. He wouldn't be there right now, doing as well as he is if I hadn't gotten out of the way and let go and Let God!
Hope that helps!
We are HERE FOR YOU! Don't give up looking for your path, your way to serenity and joy.
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