prodigal

I've been married to two alcoholics and I oftentimes wonder what it's like to be married to a guy who only drinks socially and doesn't have the alcoholic's "mind set" (or should I say "stinkin' thinkin'"). Both the drunks in my life have had very similar characteristics - their behavior patterns are not identical, but there are eerie similarities.

So can anyone out there who has gone through recovery with a loved one tell me what it's like at the end of the tunnel - I would like to know that light at the other end ain't a train!

needhope

My XH of 10 yrs was a rare occassional social drinker. Not sure you can qualify "normal" as a spouse who isn't an A. My XH has his own brand of addiction (lying and cheating for 10 yrs before I found out!). But I see some of the same behavior patterns - a guy whose drinking doesn't act that differently than a guy whose cheating... defensive, secretive, and guilty. Somedays I just don't know how I'll *know* if he cheats since he already acts that way on A!

I don't think there is such a thing as "normal", all couples have their issues, unfortunately some of us just have bigger issues to deal with than others.

Magichappens

Hey prodigal,
Marriage is as good or as bad as the sum of both parts. I have realized that no matter how much recovery my husband had, I was unhappy until I decided to take responsibility for my own recovery. We have been married for 15 years, mostly sober. We have been through some rough times, and will probably go through more. So far we have come through it stronger, but there are never any guarantees. That is why we don't give advice in alanon. No two relationships are the same, so the outcome for one may not be the same for another. I have hope for the future, and faith that no matter what the outcome, I will be ok. That is what alanon has given me. No one can predict the future. I try to live the best I can, one day at a time, and believe that God has a plan that I don't always understand. When I worry about the future,I try to remember that I could get run over by a bus tomorrow, and whatever I am worried about won't even matter. It seems to help. Hugs, Magic

constant

Something else that I have learned is that comparing our marriagie to others only causes damage/hurt/worthlessness to OURSELVES!! It is our decision if we are content and happy with how our marriage is....not what the neighbors think or your parents or friends.....only you live it so YOU decided what you want your normal to be......Peace....Constant

Gabe

From the movie "As Good As It Gets"...
Carol: ALL I WANT IS A NORMAL BOYFRIEND!!
Carol's Mom: We all do dear, they don't exist.
Peace,
Gabe

nmamommy

There is no such thing. Whether you are married to an alcoholic or not. Every marraige is contsantly changing and facing challenges of it's own. Some are more dire then alcoholism, like having a spouse that has alheimers or a terminal illness. At least you have hope that maybe he will change, or you could always leave. I don't say that to be mean, it is just a fact that you have that option.

Magichappens

Gabe,
Now that guy could run anybody crazy! LOL! :LMAO

smoke gets in my eyes

Now wait a minute. Do you guys mean to say that your S.O.s are less difficult than that guy? LESS? Not here. Oh baby. That guy would be a day at the beach.

Magichappens

:saywhat?: Jack can play the funniest crazies! My S.O. might be comical at times, but he's no Jack Nicholson!

DefofLov

hilarious!

Gabe

Actually, the guy I am currently making time with (not significant enough to be called an SO) is relatively normal.
Spicoli, on the other hand, made Melvin Udall look like the picture of sanity.

Melvin Udall: Sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here.

Jeff_C

“Normal� is a setting on a washing machine, and much like the other respondents I have absolutely not a clue what that is all about. “Healthy� is certainly a whole other criteria, but having lived in both an “unhealthy� marriage for many years, and more recently in one that I would unabashedly characterize as “disgustingly healthy� is a source of constant wonder to me. The fact that it’s the same woman, and the same marriage speaks directly to the issues of movement, and change, and it certainly wasn’t the “institution� that moved.

There is no Ward and June Cleaver, other than the erroneous images of what we were somehow conditioned to accept as “normal� . Dad works away doing something, strong sure, and fatherly when he returns each day from work , top button on his crisp white shirt opened and his tie loosened just the prescribed amount. Mom stays home keeping the immaculate house while wearing quiet print dresses and a tasteful single strand of pearls. Children are boyishly cute, mischief oriented, yet essentially and fundamentally deep down, OK. Normal? Healthy? We somehow internalize whatever our “idea� is, then go about “measuring ourselves, judging ourselves, by virtue of the dichotomy between what our idea is, and the actual circumstances of our lives. Oh yeah, we understand consciously that “idea� isn’t “real�, but we’ll go on using that impossible standard, as long as it remains subliminally seated in our unconsciousness, rarely aware , other that a gnawing sense of discomfort.

It’s been a number of years for my wife and I, both of us in “recovery�, me from substances, she from behavior. It’s the life we always wanted and had not a clue how to affect. It’s everything we wanted times 10, and I can’t imagine either of us ever “reverting�, but of course what we have is that “daily reprieve based on our spiritual condition�. We know it, and are immensely grateful for it. We know too that as long as we continue to do what we’re doing we’ll continue to get what we’re getting, and while that would be just fine, we also understand the “best is yet to come�. Hot damn!!! Normal? Still don’t have a clue, and really don’t want or need to. Healthy? Ahhhhh. Now that I can talk about, and given the chance will------------incessantly.
Jeff

amarie

I often wish I had a "normal" marriage, too--Being able to go out to dinner and have A glass of wine. Going to a luxurious hotel and having a glass of champagne. My AH can't do that. He has to consume so much that he gets obnoxious and really awful to be with. I have to drink soda so he can get stinking drunk. How unfair is that? We went out for my birthday I couldn't even have a glass of wine because I had to drive. You would think he would abstain for one night for me. Not that I'm a big drinker, but I would like an occasion glass of wine. I guess we all have our own definitions of normal.

katgirl

i can relate to that one.. my AH tells me you use to like drinking .. yeah when there wasnt any termol