abandonedluv

Ive been having a bad week or two...

I've found myself missing Al Anon meetings, my therapy appointments and sitting at home brooding and worrying. I know that my next step HAS to be acceptance or I will lose my mind.

I am not in to forgiving. Im sorry but I dont see that as me right now. I was suscepted to some of the most base, morally bankrupt behaviour for a very long time. Do I blame him for it all? No. But I dont think the extent of the behaviour was acceptable in any circumstance addiction or not. Co Dependent or not. Like, lying about a family member having cancer (several times) to maintain a level of sympathy so I could continue to be used...its just all so...evil.

There is an acceptance of my role. And I do find it exciting to learn why, what and how of my situation. Im excited to grow from this as slow as that growth has come along...

The problem is I think, I CAN NOT accept that he is never coming back. What a contradiction!! Not because I WANT HIM back but that reality means he really does not feel remorse, does not think of what he has done, does not feel regret and most of all he could have NEVER loved me. All the things that means are very hard for me to face.

He is moving on, when I feel like he does not have that right. I see his face on my FB because it shows up as an ad for his band in the corners of my page from time to time. Ive since selected that I "dont want ads from this band" anymore. But if anyone on my list "Likes" or interacts with that page I sometimes see it. And its like someone is setting me on fire. That smug look. Romping around and having fun and playing shows. If I was him and had done the things he has to other people..I just dont know how someone like that sleeps at night or just goes along as though nothing has happened...

I'd be immobilized by guilt!Shame!

Yet I AM the one that can not sleep or eat. I am the one with the tears and regret. I am so resentful and I know its not right. I dont want this to become who I am. My path before him was so full of light and happiness and I feel like this person took everything from me. I feel like he dug my grave for two years and I stood there supervising, showing him exactly how to do it. And whats worse after he pushed me in, he just covered me up and continued on his merry way.

Thinking of him now with this ex he claimed to have hated. Who everyone around him "hated". Who after we broke up, gave him an STD. The two of them frolicking about the city having "fun" getting wasted together. I can not even imagine just going for a coffee with someone I am so damaged. Why am I paying???

I have a family so full of love and support it makes my heart swell. Friends who remind me every day what true friendship is about.There are so many things happening for me creatively/professionally, that I should be so excited about but its always marred by this...this stain on my life he left....

Does forgiveness equal acceptance? Because if so I am in trouble. How long will I be this way??? How did you reach that "acceptance" stage??/

LaTeeDa

I look at it this way--acceptance is the opposite of denial. It is what it is. Not accepting something doesn't change the fact that it is.

Acceptance does not equal forgiveness. Acceptance doesn't mean that everything is okay. Acceptance doesn't mean you have to like it, it simply means that you accept it for what it is. There. That's it. You stop dreaming and fantasizing about how it "should" be different, you stop wishing and hoping that it will magically just go away, you stop spinning around and around about what you could have done to make it come out differently. You just accept and go from there.

It opens a world of possibilities.....

L

Tuffgirl

Not in my life. Acceptance simply means just that, and I don't have to like it, either. It means, for me, being realistic to how things are today.

How did I reach that stage? When a kind poster here pointed out to me that I needed to understand that my husband has the right to his own reality, too. And I don't have to agree with it or like it, but I do need to accept this as his right as a person. For some reason, that resonated with me in a way nothing had before. I was finally able to let go of a lot of that anger and sense of injustice.

Its a process, but one I do work on everyday.

I found a wonderful prayer in Language of Letting Go (Melody Beattie) and I have been reciting it every night before bed:

Today, God, help me to let go of my resistance to change. Help me be open to the process. Help me believe that the place I'll be dropped off will be better than the place where I was picked up. Help me surrender, trust, accept, even if I don't understand.

Its helping!

pigeon21

It's so painful and you want to just bust a gut or scream or hit something or talk about it 24/7. I so know. You are very good at articulating all of your anguish about this and that is helpful. I have been stuck in something that happened in 1979, so you can imagine how much I guilt-trip myself over THAT! But it takes the time it takes and it sounds positive that you are acknowledging the other good things in your life. Some people just hit us and never let us up. Just want you to know someone out here understands exactly what you mean by everything you say here.

And FB is salt in wounds. It's such a tempting place to go but sometimes it makes me feel so lonely and left out.

I wish you as much peace as you can find.

m1k3

To me acceptance is simply acknowledging reality. It is what it is. I don't have to know why or understand the dynamics or even my role in it and it sure as doesn't mean that I approve of it or that I forgive it.

The spectrum as I see it is Awareness -> Acceptance -> Action. For me forgiveness falls under action.

As for your X he hasn't even reached the level of awareness. He really doesn't see that there is a problem and therefore has no need to feel guilt or shame. For me this to was a part of acceptance, realizing that my AW behaved the way she did because her frame of reference was so totally different than mine.

Your friend,

pigeon21

Melody Beattie is my morning life line. Thank you for posting this.

ricmcc

Sorry to seem rather blunt, but really, after knowing the guy for 2 years and breaking up, perhaps you might consider letting him lead his life whilst you lead your own? Just a thought, and all the best to you, Rick

ZiggyB

Acceptance is a tricky thing... it has taken me months of crying, being depressed and feeling sorry for myself.

I do a lot of journaling which has helped me with this process. One day I just wrote to myself: "It's over. Now what are you going to do?"

I believe you need to go through the grieving process. Eventually you will get sick of clinging to something that happened in the past. Things did not turn out the way you wanted them to. He is not the man you needed him to be. He left you with more pain than you had when you met him.

Is it fair? No. Is it right? Absolutely not. But this is reality and sooner or later you will come to terms with it because you will get sick of caring about him and what he is doing. Maybe you can take a break from FB for a while?

MsPINKAcres

A beautiful gift I learned in recovery ~

acceptance and agreement may start with the same letter but that's ALL they have in common ~

I can accept the reality of life, people and their choices but it doesn't mean that I agree with any of those ~

accepting where I am, accepting the other person has decided not to change and now me and my life have a brand new set of options to select where my life goes from here gives me a new freedom to create a brand new health world for me ~

It doesn't heal & happen over night - but one day at a time ~ slowly but surely, progress not perfect ~ the new life unfolds ~

pink hugs ~

cr995

abandonedluv I know exactly how you are feeling. You seem to have articulated very well what I am going through. I also realize that i was treated so badly and yet I feel like I am the one - the only one suffering still while STBXAH goes on his 'merry way' and does not look back. For the longest time (over 20 years) what I really wanted was him to take responsibility for his actions, show some remorse for the horrible things he did and said to me and our children but - nope not to be and I just cannot get past that. I don't think it was that they never loved us - I think they are just unable to do the decent thing and accept blame where it's due. As for FB I could just not deal with at all - it was like torchuring myself.So I de-activated my account, I feel better. But today earlier on, it did occur to me that all these thoughts are so powerful now because my life feels so empty without him. But then I realize that the emptiness was there for such a long time, even with him. And I hope when my life is filled with more positive things and being with someone who is 'normal' I will see things more clearly and just be glad things have got better. May we have better days . *Hugs*

ZiggyB

For some people it is very difficult, but yes that's what it boils down to... co-dependents have a hard time letting go I think.

amityville

you've totally summed up how i'm feeling right now. supervising him digging the grave...i'm waiting for acceptance to come, wishing it would hurry! i know when it does that some kind of peace will come with it. but i have no intention of ever forgiving or forgetting what he did to me. it would make no difference to what has happened and i feel it would mean in a sense that i'm supposed to be ok with what he did. but acceptance is something i look forward to

abandonedluv

Yes that is blunt. But one thing I learned in all my Al Anon meetings and therapy is that pain is relative. I started off being ashamed to speak up in meetings or voice my pain for the simple reason that I would be met by comments like that: "oh what are you complaining about it wasnt that long/you werent married" etc.etc. By those standards I guess we can all sit here and say: "Hey, you were only with this person X amount of years...forget about it"

If life was that simple no one would feel pain or hurt. It was only two years yes, but the person I met was the man of my dreams. All the qualities you would want in a partner. And being an adult, it wasnt puppy love or a crush. I invested my heart and soul into this love because of what I was led to believe. Once you take time to climb a tall summit it takes just as much time to come down. I am not ashamed of that.

Ive explained too, the level of manipulation and deceit is not something I believe even the most well adjusted of person could just "bounce back" from.

If I could just carry on leading my life I wouldnt be here.

It certainly is not preventing him from living his life. I CERTAINLY dont have a choice in that. But what I do have is the power to try and live mine happy and healthy. Which is why I am here. I dont think there is any shame in that.

ZiggyB

abandonedluv, I also found a book the other day called "The Breakup Bible" by Rachel Sussman, it was written especially for women. You might find it helpful...

BlueSkies1

Ok. Imagine this. There is a little 7 year old girl on the playground, and some bully bigger boy pushes her off the merry-go-round.
Now let's say that little girl yells out--I am NEVER going to have fun nor play on the playground EVER AGAIN IN MY LIFE. My LIFE IS RUINED.
See?
That little girl is you. The bully is your ex.

You would take that little girl into your arms, and tell her that the playground of life has so much to offer, so much more she is going to enjoy and experience. You would tell her that she has learned a lesson and to stay away from bullies. But you sure WOULD NOT tell that girl to never enjoy the playground again.
Some people are mean. Some people are bullies. Lots of people do very unfair things and don't have a lick of remorse about it. Life is unfair sometimes.
Wouldn't it be horribly sad if that little girl never played again?
It's clear to you imagining that, I'm sure, that that girl should not let that bully ruin her entire life.
Why would you let your bully ruin yours?
There's something else. Usually unfair people get their due. It may take awhile, but sometime down the road, they usually get what is comiing to them. For all you know, this woman he is with right now is going to destroy his life in ways he can't even imagine. Who knows? Nobody at this point. Being alcoholic, out of control, ungrounded, he will more than likely find some path to misery all on his own with nobody even helping him along.

So take that little girl inside of you, dust her off, put her in a pretty dress, or if you like, put her in some arsekicking Xena gear, whatever floats your boat, and don't let one person destroy the rest of her life.

Next...just because you are apart doesn't mean he didn't love you. He may be white-knuckling your breakup, seeking out other women as a way to avoid the pain, be neck-deep in denial, and miserable as all hell, with remorse hitting him on some nights and then he runs to his friend the bottle to numb it away...just because he hasn't said anything to you, doesn't mean he doesn't know exactly the damage he left in his alcoholic-wake. If you're looking on FB...DON'T! I left fb. I'm not religious, but it's the devil, lol especially when you want to avoid seeing someone. Millions of people are all posting how wonderful their lives are and showing off pictures of some superficial good time they had...who knows what misery they are also enduring...people rarely post about that!
Will he atone to you? Remorse? I never got it. Apology? I never got one. What I deserved was him humble on his knees begging forgiveness...ah...what a lovely fantasy. Didn't happen. And you know what? It's taken a long time to get to where I am...but I no longer care. I'm too busy finding new playgrounds.

StarCat

One of the things that helped me with acceptance was actually an Al-Anon slogal.

Acceptance does NOT equal Approval.

What a powerful statement, and it certainly helped me clarify a lot of reasons why I was holding on to things I needed to stop holding on to. I was afraid that if I accepted the bad I was saying "The bad is okay." In reality, accepting the bad was me saying, "I will be okay."

This too shall pass, and if I accept what happened I can see it for what it is and then move on with my life, rather than dwelling on it and dragging it behind me like a ball and chain, holding me back from the wonderful things that I could be experiencing instead.

Acceptance is not approval, it's just recognizing something for what it is/was, so it loses its power over us.

Rosiepetal

I think it is also important to accept yourself.
Accept that you feel the way you do, the way you felt in your past & now in your present. Accept that it is only normal you feel this way now. Allow yourself to feel it to enable the healing process.
I think with accepting yourself it allows you to slowly move on one day at a time.

ReflectingOnMe

I feel just as lost and confused. My world has crumbled, I believed all the lies. All of them; our togetherness, being so right for each other, about him putting the house in my name, him loving me, us being together until he died. He drinks from the time he gets off work, until the time he passes out every day; yet it was our norm. Did he get cranky? yes; are there times I wish he would just pass out already, yes; but most of the time I was floating on air. However, now, I am damaged. I find no solace; not at work; not with family. I didn't need friends; didn't want them (therefore I have none), I had him and our families - now being near my family (and his) causes me anguish. He was my everything. For months and months he was having an affair behind my back. I never saw the train wreck coming...never saw it. I was so happy. Truly, thought he was my soul mate and to be rejected; and to have to leave my home at any time would be awful; but 3 weeks before Christmas and my 40th birthday have really thrown me for a loop. I have no sunshine. With Church and Alanon..I am hoping this fades; but I cannot grasp that he doesn't miss me. I keep thinking if he only called, only apologized I would at least feel that I mattered - that we were real.. that the First Man I thought ever loved me...had indeed at some point loved me. So I cannot accept that it is over; cannot accept that we are I.

abandonedluv

UGH. How does it feel so good to know you are not alone yet AWFUL to think of someone feeling the same way you do??

I would not wish any of this on my worst enemy. It's good you are here.
You can't say anymore that you have "no one"

abandonedluv

Its only been four months. Ive lost a pregnancy. A band. And the person I was in love with. It is gone. All of it. In many ways it was a loss of my innocence because I had been living such a sheltered existence for so long.

If I had just picked myself up and galloped along like nothing had happened, I think I'd be sicker than he is!

I dont think grieving any of that makes me automatically CD...I mean a year, two, three if I am in the same stages...

The question was how do we keep a healthy outlook so we dont get stuck in grief?