Need help understanding my GF and her drinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
Need help understanding my GF and her drinking.
Could anyone please offer any advice, insight, experience, etc.? I would be truly grateful.
Details about us:
1) We met one year ago. One month after i lost a close friend to suicide.
2) Our honeymoon phase was incredible, but involved some drinking, what i thought at least was more festive drinking than anything; that is until i saw her pass out in her chair.
3) We live 3 hours apart. She got bombed our first weekend apart. She would proceed to drink to oblivion each wknd we spent apart.
4) She (35) has two daughters, 8 and 12, both have witnessed her drinking.
5) She has an ex-husband who has 2 dui's under his belt. Before we met, she had two herself (except one was reduced to a "reckless driving" . . .
6) Her mother (from central america) lives with her. Is there to take care of the girls . . . but also dilutes her authority as a mother . . . and enables her to be irresponsible . . . and also has her own control issues . . . and refuses to return to central america (she has burned many bridges over there). Her mother has been with her for about 8 years. IMO it seems that her mother has impeded my gf's ability to "grow up" . . .
7) She has been in two accidents (not her fault, drinking not involved). her car was totaled, I was expected to help $ and I did
8) During two of her visits to my town, she got plastered. The first time, she disappeared, police were called. The second time, she went into my phone while i was asleep and dug up conversations and emails that i had with female friends of many years. Went on to contact these friends . . .
9) In June, she got a dui, spent the night in jail.
10) In September she was picked up by the police at a bar and taken to a detox facility for a 72 hour stay.
11) In November, she was arrested again for dui, this time she was held because her june dui trial and bond were still pending. She spent 3 weeks in the county jail.
12) She was released last week. She lost her job, she will lose her license (this was her 3rd refusal) and now has to wear an alcohol monitoring ankle device.
13) When she drinks (and she's upset and/or insecure), she turns into another person. It seems that she initially goes insane (saying ridiculous stuff like "nothing matters!!") and then regressing to a child (please come get me, please) . . .
As for me:
1) I'm in my forties, have had my occasional bouts with drinking, some serious hangovers here and there, no trouble with the law.
2) Met my gf when i was in grieving mode over the loss of my friend.
3) I have never dealt with another alcoholic.
Why I'm posting:
1) She isn't a daily drinker. It seemed that she would drink to cope. Yes, she has had trouble with the law. Does this make her an alcoholic?
2) Did our disputes cause her to drink . . . or would she instigate disputes so that she could drink?? (90% were started by her, or so it seemed).
3) Most people say that she is in a downward spiral . . . . that she could have easily killed someone on the road . . . does time in jail and wearing the ankle monitor motivate someone to pull out of this spiral?
4) I have been thinking about leaving this relationship. I love her . . .but I also love myself (i think) . . . the thought of "turning my back" on her makes me feel really uneasy . . . it seems though that her problems are becoming mine and that i am starting to blame myself (surely drinking was her decision) or at least my existence in her life. Insofar as leaving her, I have had friends ask me, "how bad does it have to get?"
What to do . . . . . . .
I appreciate any and all responses . . . at least it feels good to write all this out.
Thank you
Details about us:
1) We met one year ago. One month after i lost a close friend to suicide.
2) Our honeymoon phase was incredible, but involved some drinking, what i thought at least was more festive drinking than anything; that is until i saw her pass out in her chair.
3) We live 3 hours apart. She got bombed our first weekend apart. She would proceed to drink to oblivion each wknd we spent apart.
4) She (35) has two daughters, 8 and 12, both have witnessed her drinking.
5) She has an ex-husband who has 2 dui's under his belt. Before we met, she had two herself (except one was reduced to a "reckless driving" . . .
6) Her mother (from central america) lives with her. Is there to take care of the girls . . . but also dilutes her authority as a mother . . . and enables her to be irresponsible . . . and also has her own control issues . . . and refuses to return to central america (she has burned many bridges over there). Her mother has been with her for about 8 years. IMO it seems that her mother has impeded my gf's ability to "grow up" . . .
7) She has been in two accidents (not her fault, drinking not involved). her car was totaled, I was expected to help $ and I did
8) During two of her visits to my town, she got plastered. The first time, she disappeared, police were called. The second time, she went into my phone while i was asleep and dug up conversations and emails that i had with female friends of many years. Went on to contact these friends . . .
9) In June, she got a dui, spent the night in jail.
10) In September she was picked up by the police at a bar and taken to a detox facility for a 72 hour stay.
11) In November, she was arrested again for dui, this time she was held because her june dui trial and bond were still pending. She spent 3 weeks in the county jail.
12) She was released last week. She lost her job, she will lose her license (this was her 3rd refusal) and now has to wear an alcohol monitoring ankle device.
13) When she drinks (and she's upset and/or insecure), she turns into another person. It seems that she initially goes insane (saying ridiculous stuff like "nothing matters!!") and then regressing to a child (please come get me, please) . . .
As for me:
1) I'm in my forties, have had my occasional bouts with drinking, some serious hangovers here and there, no trouble with the law.
2) Met my gf when i was in grieving mode over the loss of my friend.
3) I have never dealt with another alcoholic.
Why I'm posting:
1) She isn't a daily drinker. It seemed that she would drink to cope. Yes, she has had trouble with the law. Does this make her an alcoholic?
2) Did our disputes cause her to drink . . . or would she instigate disputes so that she could drink?? (90% were started by her, or so it seemed).
3) Most people say that she is in a downward spiral . . . . that she could have easily killed someone on the road . . . does time in jail and wearing the ankle monitor motivate someone to pull out of this spiral?
4) I have been thinking about leaving this relationship. I love her . . .but I also love myself (i think) . . . the thought of "turning my back" on her makes me feel really uneasy . . . it seems though that her problems are becoming mine and that i am starting to blame myself (surely drinking was her decision) or at least my existence in her life. Insofar as leaving her, I have had friends ask me, "how bad does it have to get?"
What to do . . . . . . .
I appreciate any and all responses . . . at least it feels good to write all this out.
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi
I am sorry to say that I agree with BHW. It seems like your gf is on a collision course with disaster. I know it can be difficult when you love them -- but you don't deserve this. Definition of an alcoholic is they still drink despite negative consequences and she would certainly fit the mold... personally I would head for the hills.
I am sorry to say that I agree with BHW. It seems like your gf is on a collision course with disaster. I know it can be difficult when you love them -- but you don't deserve this. Definition of an alcoholic is they still drink despite negative consequences and she would certainly fit the mold... personally I would head for the hills.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Welcome Warren.
Nobody here can confirm if she is an alkie or not, but her actions and behaviors are certainly casting a light in that direction.
You sound like you are a confident man who has his act together. The question i would be asking myself is why do I choose to stay involved with an immature, selfish, out of control woman? Exactly what does she have to offer you? And what are you getting out of this relationship?
Personally, I would run for the hills, and never look back.........
Nobody here can confirm if she is an alkie or not, but her actions and behaviors are certainly casting a light in that direction.
You sound like you are a confident man who has his act together. The question i would be asking myself is why do I choose to stay involved with an immature, selfish, out of control woman? Exactly what does she have to offer you? And what are you getting out of this relationship?
Personally, I would run for the hills, and never look back.........
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
You came to this site because you know the answers already and you feel really guilty about the fact that you care about her but you are looking around thinking "Holy crap, what have I gotten into?" and you would love to find an escape hatch right about now, right?
If I am wrong my apologies, you are her hero and it feels great to ride in on that white horse and save her... But she keeps falling off the damned horse when you try to ride away and you keep learning more worrisome facts...
Look - you can't save or fix her and if you try you will just delay her collapse. Yes, she is an alcoholic, yes she is using guilt and putting her drinking in you to manipulate you into sticking with her and your friends are right but you knew that or you would not be here.
It's ok man, you owe yourself a partner, not a project and until she decides to get well she is headed for jail or death, period.
I know how harsh that sounds ...my wife is an alcoholic in the first year of recovery and THAT is tough on us, when she was circling the drain prior to getting help it was chaos so I know what you are talking about. Your gf is much worse and sounds more dangerous. Let her mom enable and take care of her, you get on your white horse and run the other way RIGHT NOW.
A relationship with an alcoholic who is actively working on recovery is hard, a relationship with one who is still drinking is insanity. ... And she is a daily drinker, you just haven't noticed because it is when she loses control that you see it. Jewelry is nice on a pretty lady but ankle bracelets should be gold, not heavy steel.
Never feel guilty for taking care of your own needs first. You came here and asked the question... Really you asked for permission and you have it.
If I am wrong my apologies, you are her hero and it feels great to ride in on that white horse and save her... But she keeps falling off the damned horse when you try to ride away and you keep learning more worrisome facts...
Look - you can't save or fix her and if you try you will just delay her collapse. Yes, she is an alcoholic, yes she is using guilt and putting her drinking in you to manipulate you into sticking with her and your friends are right but you knew that or you would not be here.
It's ok man, you owe yourself a partner, not a project and until she decides to get well she is headed for jail or death, period.
I know how harsh that sounds ...my wife is an alcoholic in the first year of recovery and THAT is tough on us, when she was circling the drain prior to getting help it was chaos so I know what you are talking about. Your gf is much worse and sounds more dangerous. Let her mom enable and take care of her, you get on your white horse and run the other way RIGHT NOW.
A relationship with an alcoholic who is actively working on recovery is hard, a relationship with one who is still drinking is insanity. ... And she is a daily drinker, you just haven't noticed because it is when she loses control that you see it. Jewelry is nice on a pretty lady but ankle bracelets should be gold, not heavy steel.
Never feel guilty for taking care of your own needs first. You came here and asked the question... Really you asked for permission and you have it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Is this what you would want and choose as your wife and the mother of your children?
This is as good as it gets, right now.
What would it be like and what would it do to you to be spending your daily life in the midst of this?
This is the honeymoon phase of a relationship when people are on their best behavior! and much can go on in a long distance relationship that is under your radar.
This is as good as it gets, right now.
What would it be like and what would it do to you to be spending your daily life in the midst of this?
This is the honeymoon phase of a relationship when people are on their best behavior! and much can go on in a long distance relationship that is under your radar.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 138
1) We met one year ago. One month after i lost a close friend to suicide.
2) Our honeymoon phase was incredible, but involved some drinking, what i thought at least was more festive drinking than anything; that is until i saw her pass out in her chair.
3) We live 3 hours apart. She got bombed our first weekend apart. She would proceed to drink to oblivion each wknd we spent apart.
4) She (35) has two daughters, 8 and 12, both have witnessed her drinking.
5) She has an ex-husband who has 2 dui's under his belt. Before we met, she had two herself (except one was reduced to a "reckless driving" . . .
2) Our honeymoon phase was incredible, but involved some drinking, what i thought at least was more festive drinking than anything; that is until i saw her pass out in her chair.
3) We live 3 hours apart. She got bombed our first weekend apart. She would proceed to drink to oblivion each wknd we spent apart.
4) She (35) has two daughters, 8 and 12, both have witnessed her drinking.
5) She has an ex-husband who has 2 dui's under his belt. Before we met, she had two herself (except one was reduced to a "reckless driving" . . .
I really don't see what's in this relationship for you. I only see a huge potential for problems, including legal (expensive) problems. (Jeez, how much must her car insurance cost?)
I think that that many of us who are married to alcoholics who weren't alcoholics when we got married have a very hard time understanding why a single person would get involved with someone who is either an alcoholic of thisclose to being one.
Those of us who are married to alcoholics, especially if we have children, face a more complicated set of questions and decisions.
Someone who is single, has no complicated issues (children, home ownership, shared retirement/assets) should run away from a situation like this.
do not make the mistake of thinking that a person has to drink every day in order to be an alcoholic. There are alcoholics that only drink on weekends. There are alcoholics that can go weeks without alcohol. There are "binge drinking" alcoholics.
Many of us who haven't had much experience with alcoholics tend to believe the stereotypes....We think that all alcoholics drink from morning til night. Not true at all.
Functional alcoholics often have long periods of not drinking. But, they're still alcoholics.
There isn't any definition of an alcoholic that includes daily drinking as a requirement.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi
I agree with the run don't walk options above. Try to look at your post as if you were from someone else.
Just to summarise, in the year you have known her:
1. She has been to jail for dui, and is wearing a monitoring bracelet
2. She has snooped into your past and contacted your friends
3. She has been forced into detox
4. She has expected and received money from you
5. You are taking on the above problems as your own
6. You are living in an atmosphere of turmoil, guilt and indecision
I think you know the solution.
I agree with the run don't walk options above. Try to look at your post as if you were from someone else.
Just to summarise, in the year you have known her:
1. She has been to jail for dui, and is wearing a monitoring bracelet
2. She has snooped into your past and contacted your friends
3. She has been forced into detox
4. She has expected and received money from you
5. You are taking on the above problems as your own
6. You are living in an atmosphere of turmoil, guilt and indecision
I think you know the solution.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
Thank you everyone for your posts.
I think my real impetus for posting was to get feedback and insight, it seems that i have been having trouble "seeing the forest for the trees" . . . I'm not sure if there's a scientific/psychological term for being in the thick of it and not being able to comprehend reality as clearly as outsiders are able to . . . .
I feel like I have been dealing with the punches, blow by blow, and not really noticing their increasing force. It's kinda like the proverbial frog in a pot of cold water that's on a stove that has just been turned on. The frog gets accustomed to the rising heat until it's too late.
For this reason I really treasure all (and any future) responses.
Granted most everyone recommends running, but is their a certain way to break up with an alcoholic? I do love her, have feelings, but am also fearful that a break-up could possible lead her to drink again, thus setting off her monitor, then jail, then (and this is what kills me): her girls would suffer the most. In other words, i know it's not my responsibility that she drinks, but should i somehow deliver the news in a kind and responsible manner?? Does it matter?
Thank you again everyone.
I think my real impetus for posting was to get feedback and insight, it seems that i have been having trouble "seeing the forest for the trees" . . . I'm not sure if there's a scientific/psychological term for being in the thick of it and not being able to comprehend reality as clearly as outsiders are able to . . . .
I feel like I have been dealing with the punches, blow by blow, and not really noticing their increasing force. It's kinda like the proverbial frog in a pot of cold water that's on a stove that has just been turned on. The frog gets accustomed to the rising heat until it's too late.
For this reason I really treasure all (and any future) responses.
Granted most everyone recommends running, but is their a certain way to break up with an alcoholic? I do love her, have feelings, but am also fearful that a break-up could possible lead her to drink again, thus setting off her monitor, then jail, then (and this is what kills me): her girls would suffer the most. In other words, i know it's not my responsibility that she drinks, but should i somehow deliver the news in a kind and responsible manner?? Does it matter?
Thank you again everyone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 8
Hello everyone. I have been in those shoes before. It is very hard to put up with. I've been with my gf for almost two years. I had met her when she was sober. One day I hung out with her and her friends one day. Of course I brought a little drink to be social and wasn't bad but as it went on she started drinking more and more. Eventually got to the point from 7 in the morning till bed. To make a very long story short we are still together she is a litle over thirty days sober. Her choice. We've been through alot together wich I think has mad our relationship 100 times better. So if you think their is something there stick with it. Im not going to lie its going to really suck at times but may pay off in the long run. It may help you to go to some alanon meetings in your area. There not like aa meeting which they have every day. Alanon meets once a week. Which I think is stupid because spouses of alcoholics suffer from the same disease even if they don't drink.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 8
Know after reading other posts. Im not trying to **** any one off her but that's the problem everyone runs. It only depends on wht he wants to do not what we tell him. Maybe I just got lucky don't know but if you could work through this it can be a relationship that can be the best. Wish the best to you. Feel free to ask me anything since I've been down a verry rocky road.
lillyknitting
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Loughton, Essex, England
Posts: 638
Here are my answers to your questions 1-4:
1. Yes
2. No. Yes
3. Yes, yes, no.
4. Good. Exactly!!!!
Sorry they're very brief but that's it in a nutshell. If you want me to expand further I gladly will. Take care x
1. Yes
2. No. Yes
3. Yes, yes, no.
4. Good. Exactly!!!!
Sorry they're very brief but that's it in a nutshell. If you want me to expand further I gladly will. Take care x
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 138
Granted most everyone recommends running, but is there a certain way to break up with an alcoholic? I do love her, have feelings, but am also fearful that a break-up could possible lead her to drink again, thus setting off her monitor, then jail, then (and this is what kills me): her girls would suffer the most. In other words, i know it's not my responsibility that she drinks, but should i somehow deliver the news in a kind and responsible manner?? Does it matter?
Obviously, an abrupt break up is not the answer.
Does she have any non-drinking girlfriends that she's close to and spends time with? If so, they could be a support system to her after you're gone.
The problem with worrying about "what will she do, will she drink" is that it will keep you from doing the right thing. If you let the fear that she'll drink keep you from leaving, then that means that you can NEVER leave this bad situation.
I have to disagree with ChuckP's posts. Even if Warren thinks that there "might be something there" with this woman, that isn't enough to stay. Chuck may not realize that he stepped on his own point, but when he wrote, "It may help you to go to some alanon meetings in your area. There not like aa meeting which they have every day. Alanon meets once a week. Which I think is stupid because spouses of alcoholics suffer from the same disease even if they don't drink."
If Chuck's relationship makes him "suffer from the same disease," then that relationship is not desirable, therefore Warren's relationship wouldn't be either. Just because a relationship might have something "there," if there is a poison that exists that is making you suffer from a disease, and you don't have other solid reasons to stay (marriage, children, financial ties), then there is no reason to stay.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by warrenbhfl 
Could anyone please offer any advice, insight, experience, etc.? I would be truly grateful.
Details about us:
1) We met one year ago. One month after i lost a close friend to suicide.
2) Our honeymoon phase was incredible, but involved some drinking, what i thought at least was more festive drinking than anything; that is until i saw her pass out in her chair.
3) We live 3 hours apart. She got bombed our first weekend apart. She would proceed to drink to oblivion each wknd we spent apart.
4) She (35) has two daughters, 8 and 12, both have witnessed her drinking.
5) She has an ex-husband who has 2 dui's under his belt. Before we met, she had two herself (except one was reduced to a "reckless driving" . . .
6) Her mother (from central america) lives with her. Is there to take care of the girls . . . but also dilutes her authority as a mother . . . and enables her to be irresponsible . . . and also has her own control issues . . . and refuses to return to central america (she has burned many bridges over there). Her mother has been with her for about 8 years. IMO it seems that her mother has impeded my gf's ability to "grow up" . . .
7) She has been in two accidents (not her fault, drinking not involved). her car was totaled, I was expected to help $ and I did
8) During two of her visits to my town, she got plastered. The first time, she disappeared, police were called. The second time, she went into my phone while i was asleep and dug up conversations and emails that i had with female friends of many years. Went on to contact these friends . . .
9) In June, she got a dui, spent the night in jail.
10) In September she was picked up by the police at a bar and taken to a detox facility for a 72 hour stay.
11) In November, she was arrested again for dui, this time she was held because her june dui trial and bond were still pending. She spent 3 weeks in the county jail.
12) She was released last week. She lost her job, she will lose her license (this was her 3rd refusal) and now has to wear an alcohol monitoring ankle device.
13) When she drinks (and she's upset and/or insecure), she turns into another person. It seems that she initially goes insane (saying ridiculous stuff like "nothing matters!!") and then regressing to a child (please come get me, please) . . .
As for me:
1) I'm in my forties, have had my occasional bouts with drinking, some serious hangovers here and there, no trouble with the law.
2) Met my gf when i was in grieving mode over the loss of my friend.
3) I have never dealt with another alcoholic.
Why I'm posting:
1) She isn't a daily drinker. It seemed that she would drink to cope. Yes, she has had trouble with the law. Does this make her an alcoholic?
2) Did our disputes cause her to drink . . . or would she instigate disputes so that she could drink?? (90% were started by her, or so it seemed).
3) Most people say that she is in a downward spiral . . . . that she could have easily killed someone on the road . . . does time in jail and wearing the ankle monitor motivate someone to pull out of this spiral?
4) I have been thinking about leaving this relationship. I love her . . .but I also love myself (i think) . . . the thought of "turning my back" on her makes me feel really uneasy . . . it seems though that her problems are becoming mine and that i am starting to blame myself (surely drinking was her decision) or at least my existence in her life. Insofar as leaving her, I have had friends ask me, "how bad does it have to get?"
What to do . . . . . . .
I appreciate any and all responses . . . at least it feels good to write all this out.
Thank you
Details about us:
1) We met one year ago. One month after i lost a close friend to suicide.
2) Our honeymoon phase was incredible, but involved some drinking, what i thought at least was more festive drinking than anything; that is until i saw her pass out in her chair.
3) We live 3 hours apart. She got bombed our first weekend apart. She would proceed to drink to oblivion each wknd we spent apart.
4) She (35) has two daughters, 8 and 12, both have witnessed her drinking.
5) She has an ex-husband who has 2 dui's under his belt. Before we met, she had two herself (except one was reduced to a "reckless driving" . . .
6) Her mother (from central america) lives with her. Is there to take care of the girls . . . but also dilutes her authority as a mother . . . and enables her to be irresponsible . . . and also has her own control issues . . . and refuses to return to central america (she has burned many bridges over there). Her mother has been with her for about 8 years. IMO it seems that her mother has impeded my gf's ability to "grow up" . . .
7) She has been in two accidents (not her fault, drinking not involved). her car was totaled, I was expected to help $ and I did
8) During two of her visits to my town, she got plastered. The first time, she disappeared, police were called. The second time, she went into my phone while i was asleep and dug up conversations and emails that i had with female friends of many years. Went on to contact these friends . . .
9) In June, she got a dui, spent the night in jail.
10) In September she was picked up by the police at a bar and taken to a detox facility for a 72 hour stay.
11) In November, she was arrested again for dui, this time she was held because her june dui trial and bond were still pending. She spent 3 weeks in the county jail.
12) She was released last week. She lost her job, she will lose her license (this was her 3rd refusal) and now has to wear an alcohol monitoring ankle device.
13) When she drinks (and she's upset and/or insecure), she turns into another person. It seems that she initially goes insane (saying ridiculous stuff like "nothing matters!!") and then regressing to a child (please come get me, please) . . .
As for me:
1) I'm in my forties, have had my occasional bouts with drinking, some serious hangovers here and there, no trouble with the law.
2) Met my gf when i was in grieving mode over the loss of my friend.
3) I have never dealt with another alcoholic.
Why I'm posting:
1) She isn't a daily drinker. It seemed that she would drink to cope. Yes, she has had trouble with the law. Does this make her an alcoholic?
2) Did our disputes cause her to drink . . . or would she instigate disputes so that she could drink?? (90% were started by her, or so it seemed).
3) Most people say that she is in a downward spiral . . . . that she could have easily killed someone on the road . . . does time in jail and wearing the ankle monitor motivate someone to pull out of this spiral?
4) I have been thinking about leaving this relationship. I love her . . .but I also love myself (i think) . . . the thought of "turning my back" on her makes me feel really uneasy . . . it seems though that her problems are becoming mine and that i am starting to blame myself (surely drinking was her decision) or at least my existence in her life. Insofar as leaving her, I have had friends ask me, "how bad does it have to get?"
What to do . . . . . . .
I appreciate any and all responses . . . at least it feels good to write all this out.
Thank you
if you dont turn your back on her who will? her mother? because it sounds like you as well as her mother are enabling.
she has had multiple interactions with police. this is scary.
disputes. no disputes, good. bad....she will drink regardless.....the sooner you realize that the better. it took awhile before i came to terms with this.
she is in her mid 30's she has had multiple arrests and problems due to her drinking and she has a huge enabler in her life ....she does not recognize the problems of her drinking....she may never. you say she is not a daily drinker yet she drinks to cope.....yet you call her an alcoholic and yet everything points to problem drinker. denial is dangerous. she has a problem.....downplaying the problem will only make this harder on you and her. she is sick and drinking to cope is just as bad and believe you me she will hide, lie and downplay it as well...... she will try to fool you and herself to keep this addiction. you say she lost her job, her license and went to jail.......think about that real quick. that is serious and probably a no bottom drunk. things will only get worse.....so bad you will question YOUR sanity....she must want to quit for herself but everything ive read above sounds like that is not going to happen and if it does it will happen not when you want it to but when you are at the end of your rope. that is sad for you as this will be the hardest thing you will do in your life.....loving an addict is depressing.....she is sick and will make you sick. i have been sick because of my ah....that is a fact. i will keep you in my prayers and i hope the best for you. keep posting here weve all been there....not judging you unless i judge myself because i too have done thought and been exactly where you are. try al anon and educate yourself .....i do want to ask if you are an alcoholic ? you stated that you drink and that you have never dealt with another alcoholic. if this is true then consider aa for yourself and sobreity for yourself as two alcoholics in one relationship feed off the other making it even more difficuly.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Warren - This relationship has too many problems IMO to try. She lives 3 hours away and has a codependent enabler living with her (mom being the worst). Too many variables here.
And this isn't even addressing the very long list of things that have happened since you met her.
You asked if jail time and an ankle monitor will help. No. I can say that because she is not seeking to get help for her drinking problem. Maybe it will keep her dry, then again maybe not - A's are very cunning. Or she may not care, cut the ankle monitor off - who knows it sounds like she has zero respect for laws and getting in trouble doesn't register in her brain. Alcoholism is a progressive disease - your list seems to be in chronological order and it just gets worse and worse. More to come sorry to tell you.
Breaking up with an alcoholic is like breaking up with anyone. What would you say to her if she cheated on you - you would say you cheated on me its over. So do her a favor and hand her some accountability - don't make it nice and wrapped in a package. If the alcohol and the problems associated with it is the reason you want out TELL HER.
Sorry you are going through this take care.
And this isn't even addressing the very long list of things that have happened since you met her.
You asked if jail time and an ankle monitor will help. No. I can say that because she is not seeking to get help for her drinking problem. Maybe it will keep her dry, then again maybe not - A's are very cunning. Or she may not care, cut the ankle monitor off - who knows it sounds like she has zero respect for laws and getting in trouble doesn't register in her brain. Alcoholism is a progressive disease - your list seems to be in chronological order and it just gets worse and worse. More to come sorry to tell you.
Breaking up with an alcoholic is like breaking up with anyone. What would you say to her if she cheated on you - you would say you cheated on me its over. So do her a favor and hand her some accountability - don't make it nice and wrapped in a package. If the alcohol and the problems associated with it is the reason you want out TELL HER.
Sorry you are going through this take care.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Please consider going to Al-Anon meetings as they will help You.
You can set a boundary with love and support for her well-being. For example, I will not continue to be in a relationship with an alcoholic that doesn't go into treatment or works a sober recovery program.
Peace.
You can set a boundary with love and support for her well-being. For example, I will not continue to be in a relationship with an alcoholic that doesn't go into treatment or works a sober recovery program.
Peace.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by warrenbhfl
. . . I'm not sure if there's a scientific/psychological term for being in the thick of it and not being able to comprehend reality as clearly as outsiders are able to . . . .
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Warren...
I remember a close friend of mine talking to my daughter once when she was reallllly feeling bad about telling her mom that she did not want to keep going to her house on Wednesday's and every other weekend. She was so afraid that her moms depression would get worse and her mom milked that. I could not comment at the time lest I be accused of coaching her.
My friend said: honey, it's hard to tell someone things that they won't like but sometimes we have to and it is better to be honest with them. Just follow these three rules:
Be respectful and kind
Be honest
Speak from your heart
He then told her "if you do those three things and the other person is upset then that's really something for them to deal with - you did your part".
I wish I followed his rules more in my personal life sometimes.
If you told this woman that you do care but that her drinking and other actions are not something you can accept so you are ending the relationship and hope she takes steps to get well then you have followed those rules.
A suggestion my friend - be careful not to hurt her more by sugar coating it or being equivocal about it. If you soften what you really mean to keep from hurting her then she will likely promise the moon in a way that invalidates what you said.
Example: "I've thought this over very carefully and I care about you a great deal. I've decide that I cannot continue in this relationship. Our relationship is causing a great deal of distress in my life and I need to settle my life down and take care of my own needs. I think you need help and that alcohol is harming you. Here's the number for an AA group in your town. I hope you will check that out and there are people there who can help you.
The above does not leave room for her to promise not to do it again or force you to give more reasons. You gave your reasons and made them about what you need and what you feel and she can't argue that. If she says that this will make her drink then that is manipulation, she drank anyway, right? If she says that she will hurt herself it is probably manipulation but that's an area where you don't guess.. You call 911 and let professionals take over.
If you tell her you want to part due to her drinking then she will just say she is not going to take another sip... Unless of course you leave and then she would drink lots and it would be your fault. Dont make it about her or her drinking, keep it about your needs, she can't promise to change what you feel.
Sorry if I was too blunt last night but your post just screamed to me "I don't know what I've gotten myself into and I really like this girl but holy crap - she's scaring the hell out of me and I am scared that she is going to take me down with her! ...but you felt guilty because you are a good guy and you are kind and want to rescue her - there is nobility in that to be sure but it's just not healthy. When I learned to be a lifeguard way back when I was 15 I never forgot the first thing the instructor said: a drowning person will panic and see you as an island and try to climb on top of you to keep from drowning. If you let that happen, you both die. Rule number one of life saving: don't drown.
No different here, if you pay for her mistakes then pretty soon you will have all of the consequences and responsibility and she will be free to continue her self destructive behavior because it won't be self destructive, it will be Warren destructive.
We like you :-). We'd hate to see you dealing with all that emotional, financial and legal stress while she is off drinking. That's a crap deal - there's a bunch of people here who will confirm that
I remember a close friend of mine talking to my daughter once when she was reallllly feeling bad about telling her mom that she did not want to keep going to her house on Wednesday's and every other weekend. She was so afraid that her moms depression would get worse and her mom milked that. I could not comment at the time lest I be accused of coaching her.
My friend said: honey, it's hard to tell someone things that they won't like but sometimes we have to and it is better to be honest with them. Just follow these three rules:
Be respectful and kind
Be honest
Speak from your heart
He then told her "if you do those three things and the other person is upset then that's really something for them to deal with - you did your part".
I wish I followed his rules more in my personal life sometimes.
If you told this woman that you do care but that her drinking and other actions are not something you can accept so you are ending the relationship and hope she takes steps to get well then you have followed those rules.
A suggestion my friend - be careful not to hurt her more by sugar coating it or being equivocal about it. If you soften what you really mean to keep from hurting her then she will likely promise the moon in a way that invalidates what you said.
Example: "I've thought this over very carefully and I care about you a great deal. I've decide that I cannot continue in this relationship. Our relationship is causing a great deal of distress in my life and I need to settle my life down and take care of my own needs. I think you need help and that alcohol is harming you. Here's the number for an AA group in your town. I hope you will check that out and there are people there who can help you.
The above does not leave room for her to promise not to do it again or force you to give more reasons. You gave your reasons and made them about what you need and what you feel and she can't argue that. If she says that this will make her drink then that is manipulation, she drank anyway, right? If she says that she will hurt herself it is probably manipulation but that's an area where you don't guess.. You call 911 and let professionals take over.
If you tell her you want to part due to her drinking then she will just say she is not going to take another sip... Unless of course you leave and then she would drink lots and it would be your fault. Dont make it about her or her drinking, keep it about your needs, she can't promise to change what you feel.
Sorry if I was too blunt last night but your post just screamed to me "I don't know what I've gotten myself into and I really like this girl but holy crap - she's scaring the hell out of me and I am scared that she is going to take me down with her! ...but you felt guilty because you are a good guy and you are kind and want to rescue her - there is nobility in that to be sure but it's just not healthy. When I learned to be a lifeguard way back when I was 15 I never forgot the first thing the instructor said: a drowning person will panic and see you as an island and try to climb on top of you to keep from drowning. If you let that happen, you both die. Rule number one of life saving: don't drown.
No different here, if you pay for her mistakes then pretty soon you will have all of the consequences and responsibility and she will be free to continue her self destructive behavior because it won't be self destructive, it will be Warren destructive.
We like you :-). We'd hate to see you dealing with all that emotional, financial and legal stress while she is off drinking. That's a crap deal - there's a bunch of people here who will confirm that
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