James42806

Hello. This is my first thread, so sorry if it is in the wrong part of the forum. I was just desperate, and hoping someone would at least understand what I am going through...

First off, I am not the drinker. I never drink. I have in the past, but just don't do it, haven't in years. The drinker is my wife. I have been with her for 10 years, and it seems to be slipping away faster than ever now. I am currently in Afghanistan on my second combat tour, and just at a loss. This is going to be a long thread.

My wife has always been a heavy drinker. It gets to the point where she says absolutely horrible things to me, and it really gets under my nails. I love her, and don't want to leave her. We have two beautiful boys together, 6 and 2. This deployment alone, I had to fly home on emergency leave so that she could go to rehab. She stayed there for two weeks about, and said that she was 'finally cured'. I came back here, thinking that she was FINALLY cured, and would be okay. I didn't even make it back here before she was already back to drinking.

She has tried AA, she has gone to a 'detox' clinic, she has tried church (we're not religious) and she has tried everything in between. I do admit, I have not been a perfect husband, nor was I a perfect boyfriend before we were married, but as I age, I have become mature, financially stable, and I think I am a great father to our children. I am 27 years old by the way. We bought a house, we own three vehicles, and the army has been good to us, despite the deployments. Well, at this stage, she says she just can't handle the time I am away, and that is understandable. I don't want to put her through it again, so I agreed to get out as soon as my current term is over. I will be out, and back to being a normal guy.

I don't know what to do at this point, it is still happening and I am so depressed over it and stressed out, it is like she'll be on a great path one day, then for the next two or three days, where she works out and is just overall doing great, then I will call, and can instantly tell she's drunk.
When she's drunk, she talks about how she hates me, hopes I die, etc. Just a ton of hurtful things. The next day she will apologize and say how sorry she is, and all will be forgiven. I have always forgiven her for that.
I am just at a point where it seems like it is REALLY never going to end... this cycle... I am so depressed, I don't know how else to express it. I fear for her and my kids safety because I know she is driving around with them after drinking. I am in a crappy spot and don't know what to do...

Is there any hope for my wife and I? I love her more than anything and would do anything for her. It's gotten to the point where I just act angry and don't even want to talk to her... But it doesn't mean I don't love her. She's sick, and I am sickly desperate for help.

I will provide more details as I think of them, but I am pressed for time at the moment. Thanks in advance for any kind of advice.

Anna

Welcome!

I am sorry for your situation. Of course there is hope for your wife. There is always hope, but she must make the decision and choose to seek help. You cannot do that for her. You might want to check out AlAnon as a support for yourself.

TorontoGuy28

Hi James-

First, thank you for serving your country. Although I am Canadian, we all appreciate the sacrifices you make.

There is a reason she drinks, and the correct treatment program might just discover it and cure it, so do not lose hope. Is she in ongoing counseling or seeing a psychologist ?

It took me a while to get better, but it finally worked... At the end of the day, you need to do what's best for your and your 2 boys. This might mean that some hard lines need to be set with your wife... Don't kid yourself, this is a life and death battle with some serious casualties on the mental health side (your kids)... I grew up with an alcoholic father and the memories still hunt me to this day...

Keep us posted and good luck.

ShootingStar1

James 42806, you might want to post again or copy this post to the Friends and Family of Alcoholics page which you'll find if you go to the main menu and scroll down further.

Lots of people there are spouses of alcoholics, and can speak to you about their experiences. You'll find an incredible amount of support and wisdom, and it won't feel so lonely.

My heart goes out to you; post often and take care,

ShootingStar1

Arrdubya

James,
Thank you for your service. I know what it's like being deployed and having a crisis back home. Try to stay focused on your mission. Lack of attention to detail can be very dangerous. You can't fix your wife. She has to fix herself. What you can do is get home safe and take care of your kids. Support her as best you can, but you really need to think about yourself a little. Stay safe and good luck. We'll say a prayer for you.

Bondi123

This must be tearing you apart, I truly hope you stay safe & get back home and that your wife decides she wants to get sober as she must hate herself every day that she drinks. I am only day 2 sober so have a long way but I know how she feels with everything sliding out of control,,, good luck & god bless

nogard

Welcome to SR James

wpainterw

Hey James: Sorry to hear about your wife. Maybe something might happen if she manages to get herself friendly with another female who is about her age and has managed to cope with the drinking problem and get into recovery. Your wife is probably lonely without you. She's got an illness, her body has gotten itself used to alcohol and it keeps dragging her back to it. She's forever trying to roll the stone up to the top of the hill and it keeps rolling back on to her. She needs a female friend to help her get off this cycle. Anyway, she should realize that she's got to do it for herself, not for others. That there is a way for her to be happy. Booze will only make her unhappy. Good luck out there in Afghanistan. We admire what you're doing out there.

W.

least

Welcome to the family! :ghug3 Take a look at the friends and families forum for lots of experience in these matters.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Shoebox62

James, I agree you are in a tough spot and, were it me, the thing I'd be most worried about are my kids. As you mentioned, she may be driving around with them while drunk, and that is very troubling. Do you have friends or family who live nearby that could step up in your absence and try to determine if the children are safe? How much longer will you be deployed, if I may ask? My advice would be to do whatever I could from overseas to make sure that your kids are safe, make that my top priority and my wife's drinking second. I'm really sorry you're going through this, and wish you the very best. Stay safe over there.

James42806

Thanks guys. I didn't know the family support thread was there. Guess I was just desperate for an answer last night and didn't even look for it. Thanks for the kind words. I'll post this in that section.

James42806

Trust me, the kids are my first priority. I have no family in the area, and this deployment is almost over, just wish it was. When I went home on emergency leave for it, my house was completely trashed. Beer bottles were everywhere. Hundreds of them. I did a quick walk through with my phone and recorded it, just in case. I posted this in that other thread, so there is no need to continue this one I suppose. Thanks again.

James42806

Just a few more things on my mind... I can instantly tell if she's been drinking. Over the phone, in person, sometimes even over ***** messenger/text messages. When I am home, all I have to do is walk in the door and the smell is overwhelming. She is completely someone different when drinking. I know I am not the first person to say this, but I hate that side of her. When she's drunk, she'll do whatever she can to blame the entire situation on me, and I admit, I get very upset. It's kind of like that sinking feeling in your heart, and I start to feel helpless. I have begged and pleaded with her. I have tried everything I could think of. It has lead me to simply googling 'wife always drunk' and finding this board. I have lurked around quite a bit and see that I am not alone, but it doesn't reduce the pain or anger I feel. If alcohol is such a consuming drug, why is it so accessible? There are so many DUI's every day, and it makes me wonder why it is even legal. Yeah, that may be extreme, but I wish it was a controlled substance. Instead, the damn government makes liquor even easier to get than before. A year ago, you at least had to go to a liquor store; but now they have a damn liquor isle at walmart, and just about every mini-mart around. How is it any different than say, crystal meth? Obviously they are both addictive, life ruining substances. I have even tried giving in, and having a few drinks with her, but that was a few years ago. Not only did it not help, it just got worse than before. I fantasize about calling the show "Intervention" and pleading my case, but I don't want to make entertainment out of my wifes problem. Honestly, I fear going home more than I do staying here in Afghan because of this.

HopefulmomtoD

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can not even imagine how scared and angry you must be watching this all happen while you are away in Afghanistan.

Others with more experience will be along soon- I just wanted to offer you some hugs and a few of the things that I've learned. The alcoholic in my life is my 22 year old son. Its different than a spouse, but in many ways it is the same.

First off, you've got to realize that there is NOTHING that you can do to make your wife stop drinking. The three biggies to get in your head are: You did not CAUSE this, you can not CONTROL this, and you can not CURE this.

I am very worried about your children. They should not be in the care of their alcoholic mother while you are away. It is an extremely dangerous situation waiting for a tragedy to happen. Do you have family / friends that can help you?

Kateg

Sorry for the situation you are in, my heart goes out to you. First things first! Get your kids in a safe place! Find yourself a support system! Remember you did not cause this, you cant stop it. She has to want sobriety for herself.

Stay focused on getting the help you and your kids need @ this point.

RollTide

Thank you for your service, James! I'm happy that you found us but sorry for the reason.

My situation was very different from yours in that there were no children involved. But many of the things your wrote about are the same. I could tell over the phone if my XAH had been drinking, I could tell the minute I walked in the house because of the smell, I could tell the second I saw him, I could even tell when I didn't hear from him at times that I was supposed to.

My XAH went to rehab three times and came back each time and drank almost immediately. He could go for periods of time and not drink but his default was always to drink. He also said horrible things to me. I finally accepted what I had been told that there was nothing that I could do.

Please ensure that your children are safe and educate yourself on the disease. This forum saved my life and I am grateful to have found it. AlAnon is a group for families of alcoholics. When you come back home maybe you can find a meeting. It helped me a lot and I wish I had found it sooner.

My prayers include your safe return.

Hopeworks

Hi James,

Welcome to the forum family. Post here as much as you like and you will find lots of support and information. Have you read the stickies at the top of the message board? Lots of information there.

I am an ACOA (adult child of alcoholic) and your kids are not in a good place and being raised in alcoholic home can potentially cause harm to them not only physically if she crashes the car but cause severe maladjustment and psychological problems as they try to form relationships and unravel life later.

Is she on base somewhere? Is there family support nearby?

Your wife does not understand her disease. There is no "cure". She will be an alcoholic until the day she dies and she must learn how to treat the disease. I personally have seen the most success with AA (not meetings but the program of getting a sponsor and working the 12 steps authentically).

You will find their other methods and support groups that she may want to try if she has any interest in sobriety. Did she initiate the rehab on her own?

You might want to try to see if there is an alanon group over there... if not there is online meetings.

James42806

Is it bad when I am past the point of 'understanding'? I've tried understanding. I've tried helping. I realize that I can not help her or change her, but the fact remains. I need to do something it feels like, and it just makes me so angry. It is all I can think about. I can't sleep. I'm angry because I don't want what I've worked so hard at the last 10 years to be wasted. As I said, I am not making myself out to be perfect or a victim, I just don't know what to do anymore. Losing my mind and it's turning me into mush. I wish there was someone she would talk to. As I said, she's tried church, and tried detox. She isn't religious so church wasn't helpful for long. She can't see any kind of addict counselor because she says that they won't let her in with kids, and that she'll go when I get home.

Countless times she has said very hurtful things to me. Things that have scarred my mind forever. I am a very forgiving person, I have no choice to be, it's who I am. I just want to know that she really wants to stop, and I don't know the answer to that. I don't know if she really does want to. I feel hopeless.

Hopeworks

James if she wanted to stop she can call AA and they will send out a team to talk to her about recovery. She can ask them for a temporary sponsor.

If ... If... she is serious they will support her in amazing ways. Help is a phone call away and it is free.

I am sure there are ways she could get support for the child care while she goes to meetings.

Can you think of something here? She needs a caregiver for a couple of hours.

She can seek help online. She can do meetings online.

What about you? Alcoholism is a family disease and it is impacting you in a very, very negative way. It is important that you help yourself because those little kids will need their daddy!

Any family support to help with the kids?

Hayfmr

Your wife may or may not quit drinking. It's all up to her. Not much you can do about it. My advice is for you to do anything you can to support her recovery. Then start making backup plans for what you are going to do if she keeps drinking. My wife has been in recovery for just over a year but I cought he drinking a few days ago. If she goes back to drinking I have a plan and she knows what it is. A divorce is no fun but this way it's all her choice.