Sueski

I realized last night that I am having a great deal of trouble distinguishing between the normal, healthy compromise required in marriage, and the much less healthy giving-in inspired by fear, guilt, shame or pity. I read some great posts today that helped me through. I'm still wondering about this whole thing, though, and I think it may take a while to really get a grasp on it.

There is an uncomfortable feeling with the negative giving-in that I think may be the real giveaway when I'm doing it. Compromise may not feel great, but it doesn't generally feel icky.

I'd be very interested in hearing your thoughts around this issue. I think it's a biggie for many of us. Thank you!

LifeRecovery

I am working some of this right now so I only have part of the response.

There was not a balance in my "compromising" with my husband. In most instances it was me giving up on something or giving in.

I imagine that compromise has a lot of discussion around it too. There would not be an elephant in the room no one was talking about.

I would give in because I did not want to have a fight, we had discussed it and it turned into something else etc. There was a lot unsaid. Also there was a lot of assumptions I made and tried to keep him from getting mad (and or not drinking) that inspired my decisions. I did not even give him the dignity of letting him know I was making them. For me that is a part of my side of things that I have to watch out for.

lillamy

When I'm comparing the giving-in-because-I-wanted-to-avoid-a-fight to the compromising of a healthy relationship, it's like two different categories.

I think "compromise" means you are both willing to give up something that may be important but is not crucial to who you are as a person, in order to benefit the relationship, or for another benefit of some kind.

In my current relationship, we are both compromising with what we would like for the benefit of our children (we would like to live together; it would make financial sense to do so; but our children are not ready to have a step parent full time in their lives, and so we don't). We are making rational decisions, after long discussions where everything is on the table, and we are taking into consideration everybody who is affected by those decisions.

In my marriage to AXH, the children -- even though they were his biological children -- were never allowed to be given consideration. They were not as important to him as his own comfort was. I was never as important to him as his own comfort was. There was never "compromise" in the way I described above -- it was always about him getting his way and everyone else either going along voluntarily or getting dragged.

We all gave up things that weren't superficial, but that were crucial to our health and well-being, in order to "keep the peace." But it wasn't really peace; it was just a temporary ceasefire. Until the next time our needs were crosswise with his. And every time I gave in, I gave up more and more of who I was. And I sacrificed my children's needs on the altar of the false god of "peace."

When I compromise -- the real form of compromise -- I come away from it feeling like the decision made might not have the result I would ideally wish for myself. But I'm satisfied with the compromise, because it means a better decision for all of us in the long run. I can always see that it's a good decision, even if I don't love every aspect of it.

When I gave in and gave up, I was resentful.

Titanic

How do you know when the other person is merely giving in, avoiding conflict, stuffing their true feelings, placating, withdrawing etc ... without disclosing it ... only to hold it all against you now and dumping on you later?

baileyboop

I have struggled with this before, and I continue to struggle with it now from time time. With my addiction to people (co-dependency), I would silently consider my needs or gut feelings, but only overtly act on the needs of others. Not only would this breed resentments, but I also created a habit in losing myself. I eventually began to no longer even be consciously aware of my own needs because I had not taken care of them for so long. It has taken me lots of money in therapy to "find myself" again.

My E,S and H is this. COMMUNICATE your feelings. If it is a healthy compromise, it will reveal itself. if it is not a good thing, that will also be revealed. The more honest I am about where I am and what I am feeling, the healthier things get resolved as they should be. When I start getting concerned about "my" thinking, I hammer that out with my sponser and/or therapist to help me.

Ellvk

This.... "In my marriage to AXH, the children -- even though they were his biological children -- were never allowed to be given consideration. They were not as important to him as his own comfort was. I was never as important to him as his own comfort was. There was never "compromise" in the way I described above -- it was always about him getting his way and everyone else either going along voluntarily or getting dragged."

Exactly.

lillamy

You have established open, healthy communication. You recognize the signs of communication breakdowns. You watch your own communication style. How insistent are you on getting your way? How stubborn are you when you meet resistance? Do you raise your voice? Get passive-aggressive? Go along with what the other person wants but punish them in non-physical (or for that matter physical) ways later?

I think if you observe your own communication style, and honestly evaluate it, unless you're a megalomaniac narcissist, you could be able to assess whether you can be intimidating to other people.

Also -- if the other person increasingly resists confiding in you, opening up, being vulnerable, then you know there's something not functional in your relationship.

That's just my 5 cents.

DesertEyes

The way I see it, compromise is when two peeps give up something in order to gain something else. Cooperation is when both peeps give up _nothing_, but find a way for both to gain something _anywyay_.

Compromise is like buying something at the store, I give up some cash in order to purchase something. To me that is not the way I want a marriage to be, I don't want to be married to my grocer.

Cooperation is like having a very good friend that finds a way to enjoy things _with_ me that she had never liked before. To me that is the kind of friend I want to have around me forever.

My ex is disabled. It is extremely difficult for her to drive a car and usually leaves her exhausted. Driving her to work and back added a couple hours of road-time to my day. What _we_ did was turn the drive into a date. We would each bring a tape of some new band ( yeah, this was before CD's ), or chat about a book we were reading. We would stop on the road and have dinner at some interesting looking restaurant along the way.

I did not give up a couple hours of my day, in order to compromise. I gained a date with a fascinating lady.

Yours truly usually had some kind of business venture going on, which involved lots of paperwork to keep the books, lots of time in the office, and generally the kind of detailed, boring "administrivia" that would not interest my ex at all. She took an accounting class, just to understand what I would talk about over dinner. Then she took a class on taxes, and another one on investing. Next thing I knew she was starting her own buiseness managing trust funds. I helped out with the books, since I enjoy doing that anyway, and learned alot about the stock market, something which would have bored me to tears had I not learned about it from her.

She did not give up her time with me when I was working late over taxes and the company books, she found something interesting in the pile of paperwork and we both enjoyed each other while working on our business.

Ok, so a couple decades later she became addicted to pain pills and my world changed. My point is that before the addiction we cooperated instead of compromised.

Mike

Audrey1

I know exactly what you mean. My ABF always accused me of being inflexible and not making any effort to compromise, but it is only now that I am starting to realise exactly how much I have compromised for him.

I have given up basically everything to make our relationship work. I backed down each time he pushed an issue. I let a million episodes of drunken abuse go. I compromised my own health at times by actually TRYING to get drunk in order for his drunkeness not to affect me as much (I tried everything but this was the one I hated the most).

Since I left him, I now realise I am not willing to compromise anymore. It is his turn. He has now quit drinking and receiving therapy. My moving out was a big shock for him and gave him the kick he needed. Each day is very painful, but I am feeling a bit stronger now as I no longer give in and try to stay numb to it all. He realises he has to keep his compromise and commitment to sobriety or he will lose me forever.

Although things could go pear-shaped at any time, and everything is awkward and painful, life is already better. I now see how much I actually gave up for this person and am not interested in going back to that life again.

Thumper

I like the compromise versus cooperation explanation

To me true, equal, partnership type compromise leaves me feeling better about me, about them, and about the relationship. I feel like we are moving towards a good and common goal. Giving in leaves me feeling bad about myself, resentful towards the other person, and either detached or very negative about the relationship. There is no movement towards a good and common goal - it is simply giving in.

BlueSkies1

You need two fairly mentally healthy people to even begin to have fair and equitable compromises.
If one person is unhealthy, then the perspective is skewed on that side, or both, because the healthy person can't truly understand the unhealthy person's baggage.
Perspective becomes a complete mess if one person is under the influence or has some other serious mental health issue.
When two people are mentally healthy, finding compromise or at least the inability to compromise is clear, not foggy.
Recognizing our own shortcomings aids a lot in learning how/when we have unrealistic expectations on any given issue.
Recognizing another's shortcomings on an issue helps us to understand how they lean in one direction or another that is off-center, and then we can creatively work with the imbalance to find a path to compromise, as long as it isn't a dealbreaker.
And sometimes we chose to give in and let the other person have their way...even when we are "right" on an issue. It all depends on how much of a dealbreaker an issue is, and what we can live with when we weigh the particular issue with the overall weight of the relationship.