This is my first time posting. I could really use some advice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1
This is my first time posting. I could really use some advice.
My sister is an alcoholic. She lost everything because of drinking. Her house was foreclosed on and she lost her kids. She was staying in a crummy motel for weeks until I got her into rehab. She stayed 90 days of rehab. When she got out she lived in a sober home and then moved into her own place. She seemed to kinda pull things back together for a while. She's had a few relapses which lead to hospitalizations and severe consequences. She was evicted and moved in with me, where she has had two relapses that I know of. When my lease was up I moved in with my boyfriend and she's renting a room in a house. Again I thought everything was back on upswing, until the past week.
I came back into town after Thanksgiving and couldn't get a hold of her. Her phone was going straight to voice mail. I knew what that meant. On Monday I called her work and she hadn't shown up or called in. Same thing for the whole week. She worked so hard to finally get another job and was messing it up. I finally found her room mates phone number and called. She said she was "sleeping" all week. I knew that meant she was drinking in her room until she passed out. Her relapses are binges. She drinks so much. I asked her to please have my sister call me. Her room mate later text me that my sister was "out of it" and crying and rambling. I made the decision to not go over there and check on my sister. I've always jumped when there was trouble for her. But I don't want to go over there and tell her not to drink and that everything will be ok. I want her to come to that decision on her own. Every time she's stopped I've been there telling her how bad drinking messed up her life and that's she can stay sober. That I believe in her. I don't know if she'll stop if I don't go tell her to.
I got a phone call from her boss today telling me that my sister showed up to work and apologized for missing work and thought she could just get back to work. Like nothing happened. He said he was concerned for her. She want home. Some one from the office followed her home to make sure she made it. Obviously she was drunk.
So now I'm waiting for her to sober up on her own before I help her again. I don't want to have to go tell her to stop drinking. It didn't help her in the past. She keeps relapsing.
Any advice is much appreciated. I've gone from worrying all my life about my alcoholic mom to worrying about my sister all the time.
I came back into town after Thanksgiving and couldn't get a hold of her. Her phone was going straight to voice mail. I knew what that meant. On Monday I called her work and she hadn't shown up or called in. Same thing for the whole week. She worked so hard to finally get another job and was messing it up. I finally found her room mates phone number and called. She said she was "sleeping" all week. I knew that meant she was drinking in her room until she passed out. Her relapses are binges. She drinks so much. I asked her to please have my sister call me. Her room mate later text me that my sister was "out of it" and crying and rambling. I made the decision to not go over there and check on my sister. I've always jumped when there was trouble for her. But I don't want to go over there and tell her not to drink and that everything will be ok. I want her to come to that decision on her own. Every time she's stopped I've been there telling her how bad drinking messed up her life and that's she can stay sober. That I believe in her. I don't know if she'll stop if I don't go tell her to.
I got a phone call from her boss today telling me that my sister showed up to work and apologized for missing work and thought she could just get back to work. Like nothing happened. He said he was concerned for her. She want home. Some one from the office followed her home to make sure she made it. Obviously she was drunk.
So now I'm waiting for her to sober up on her own before I help her again. I don't want to have to go tell her to stop drinking. It didn't help her in the past. She keeps relapsing.
Any advice is much appreciated. I've gone from worrying all my life about my alcoholic mom to worrying about my sister all the time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 37
First of all, HUG. I'm so sorry you are going through this. One of the best things someone said to me when I got here was that I did not cause it, and I cannot cure it (there is a 3rd C, but those 2 stick in my mind and I just repeat them often). She has to hit her own bottom before she can really recover and she won't if you keep saving her.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
The 3 C's mentioned by LoveBlossom are:
You did not CAUSE it
You can not CONTROL it
You will not CURE it
I'm sorry for what brought you here, but glad you found us. You will find support and information on this website. Lots of wisdom is shared daily and some is stored in the Sticky Posts at the top of this main forum page.
Since you have a family history of alcoholism (mom and sis) have you attended any Al Anon or ACOA meetings? Al Anon meetings are for Friends and Family members of alcoholics, and ACOA meetings are for Adult Children of Alcoholics. All of these groups offer face-to-face support, literature and practicle tips for finding serenity after the effects of our loved ones addiction.
I think you are onto a healthy path by stepping back and allowing your sister for find her own way this time. You are lovingly detaching from her addiction and allowing her to face the full effect of her choices.
There are no guarantees that she will seek lasting recovery, but at least you will be sparing your own precious life from sitting in the front row of her latest drama.
Sending you encouragement as you take this One Day at a Time
The 3 C's mentioned by LoveBlossom are:
You did not CAUSE it
You can not CONTROL it
You will not CURE it
I'm sorry for what brought you here, but glad you found us. You will find support and information on this website. Lots of wisdom is shared daily and some is stored in the Sticky Posts at the top of this main forum page.
Since you have a family history of alcoholism (mom and sis) have you attended any Al Anon or ACOA meetings? Al Anon meetings are for Friends and Family members of alcoholics, and ACOA meetings are for Adult Children of Alcoholics. All of these groups offer face-to-face support, literature and practicle tips for finding serenity after the effects of our loved ones addiction.
I think you are onto a healthy path by stepping back and allowing your sister for find her own way this time. You are lovingly detaching from her addiction and allowing her to face the full effect of her choices.
There are no guarantees that she will seek lasting recovery, but at least you will be sparing your own precious life from sitting in the front row of her latest drama.
Sending you encouragement as you take this One Day at a Time
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Alcoholism is heartbreaking- as you well know. I'm so sorry that you've had your life impacted by your mother and sister's alcoholism.
There is NOTHING that you can say or do that will make her stop drinking. She has to want to do it on her own. Please attend alanon meetings, read here at soberrecovery, and work on making your life the best it can be. Enough worrying and stressing about your family members- its time for YOU to be well and happy.
My son is now a RA (recovering alcoholic), but I know so well the pain of watching a loved one destroy themselves and be powerless to stop it.
There is NOTHING that you can say or do that will make her stop drinking. She has to want to do it on her own. Please attend alanon meetings, read here at soberrecovery, and work on making your life the best it can be. Enough worrying and stressing about your family members- its time for YOU to be well and happy.
My son is now a RA (recovering alcoholic), but I know so well the pain of watching a loved one destroy themselves and be powerless to stop it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
It's very very very hard to watch someone you love circling the drain, wondering if you will see them alive again when you part. It just seems so wrong to NOT step in and just manage the crises for them.
When I realized that by protecting my wife, long before she became my wife, I actually was endangering her life. What got her to go to AA? When her life sucked so badly that she had no fight and no hope left in her. Then she began to get better.
What did I finally "do" that helped her? I kicked her out and dropped her with family because she refused to go to a hospital. I had to say "I love you but unless you are willing to start getting well then I can't have you in my life".
It's odd and counter intuitive and I felt awful but until I gave up on her she had no reason to stop digging. Once I did, she stopped digging, sat there for a while in total despair and misery then started climbing.
I feel for you. Forcing her to figure it out can be done kindly but has to be done firmly. Then when she asks for help, the help you can provide is a drive to a detox facility or an AA meeting where she can start learning to help herself.
I've concluded that there is only one human instinct or emotion that can overpower addiction. Love won't, guilt won't, ...survival instinct kicks in at the end and you pray it is in time.
When I realized that by protecting my wife, long before she became my wife, I actually was endangering her life. What got her to go to AA? When her life sucked so badly that she had no fight and no hope left in her. Then she began to get better.
What did I finally "do" that helped her? I kicked her out and dropped her with family because she refused to go to a hospital. I had to say "I love you but unless you are willing to start getting well then I can't have you in my life".
It's odd and counter intuitive and I felt awful but until I gave up on her she had no reason to stop digging. Once I did, she stopped digging, sat there for a while in total despair and misery then started climbing.
I feel for you. Forcing her to figure it out can be done kindly but has to be done firmly. Then when she asks for help, the help you can provide is a drive to a detox facility or an AA meeting where she can start learning to help herself.
I've concluded that there is only one human instinct or emotion that can overpower addiction. Love won't, guilt won't, ...survival instinct kicks in at the end and you pray it is in time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
So sorry this has happened.
You love your sister and want her ok - but your own actions in trying to help and failure in outcome should give you the answer. Can't help her. Can't stop her. Only she can.
Please try going to Al Anon - it will help YOU. Got me sane again.
You love your sister and want her ok - but your own actions in trying to help and failure in outcome should give you the answer. Can't help her. Can't stop her. Only she can.
Please try going to Al Anon - it will help YOU. Got me sane again.
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