"I dont need to drug test you" The shock. the tears.
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"I dont need to drug test you" The shock. the tears.
my ABFs parents want to drug test him and he is offended of course. He mentioned this to me and said of course He will test immediately tonight, and should He buy one for my house... I told him no. I know when he has been using. It's not rocket science. He was floored and asked when the last time was then and I told him. Of course I was right. my gut always is.I quoted cynical one to him and said using looks like using. I don't need your pee to know that 2+2=5. His mother wants to sit through meetings with him so she can know he is actually there and going... he vehemently refused and got very angry. she called me to vent and I told her that I don't go to his meetings, and I especially don't listen at doorways when he is on the phone with his sponsor. Its just out of line and she needs to let go. She told me I must not care about him and that I am an enabler. ok I accept I enable by not going no contact when he relapsed into active addiction, but I don't care because I don't drill him about his meetings???? really?? I invited her to nar-anon and she refused rather bitterly so I haven't asked again. sorry for rambling I just needed to vent
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IMO sometimes drug testing helps in that the addict cannot deny use. Of course, you have to get a expensive hospital grade type drug test that the court system uses. Those you cannot "beat" by taking some healths store drink, guzzling cranberry juice ect...Make sure it's the 8 or 9 panel test & not the basic 5 panel.
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Sounds like his parents are in denial and trying to control him.
I think it was awesome that you told him using looks like using.
Unfortunately when we get involved with an addict, we also get the dysfunctional family on the addict's side too.
As for me, I prefer to live a drama-free life.
Sending you hugs of support from Kansas!
I think it was awesome that you told him using looks like using.
Unfortunately when we get involved with an addict, we also get the dysfunctional family on the addict's side too.
As for me, I prefer to live a drama-free life.
Sending you hugs of support from Kansas!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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You sound as if u really have your stuff together. His moms attitude and action, though loving are completely wrong but justified. Your suggestion that she goto a meeting with you was spot on. You can only control your actions and your attitude for his recovery.
A little of my story: I was married for 19 yrs and my wife had said she was going to divorce me for the last 3 yrs. she had the same attitude as your bf mother. She loved me but her actions were misguided. Needless to say she divorced me and changed her attitude like your. This was the wakeup I needed and she actually changed my life. Because she disconnected I had to choose die or stop. Her attitude toward me in the end saved me! I know I'm rambling so ill end with this. Sounds like your going in the right path. Stay strong! Your pal in recovery... Wes ...
A little of my story: I was married for 19 yrs and my wife had said she was going to divorce me for the last 3 yrs. she had the same attitude as your bf mother. She loved me but her actions were misguided. Needless to say she divorced me and changed her attitude like your. This was the wakeup I needed and she actually changed my life. Because she disconnected I had to choose die or stop. Her attitude toward me in the end saved me! I know I'm rambling so ill end with this. Sounds like your going in the right path. Stay strong! Your pal in recovery... Wes ...
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Location: Seattle, WA
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I think it's important to draw strong personal boundaries so that I don't allow unhealthy, dysfunctional people to steal my peace and serenity - this boundary is for all the people in my life, not just addicts.
Like my ex, my ex's family is very unhealthy and dysfunctional. I have had to distance myself from them. I wouldn't talk to them at all except they are my son's grandparents, aunts and uncles. I have drawn a boundary that I don't take their calls UNLESS I am at a point where I am willing to allow dysfunction and drama in my life (not often). I don't argue with them. I don't try to have normal converstations with them. I just listen, nod and agree. If I feel they are affecting my peace, I end the conversation. There's no point trying to reason with crazy....
What boundaries do you have about allowing unhealthy people to steal the peace in your life? What steps are you willing to take if your boundaries are violated? Or are you even looking for peace in your life right now? Sometimes we crave chaos in our lives. It feeds our unhealthy, dysfunctional side. Tough to overcome but with work and focus, we can overcome it when we are ready.
Like my ex, my ex's family is very unhealthy and dysfunctional. I have had to distance myself from them. I wouldn't talk to them at all except they are my son's grandparents, aunts and uncles. I have drawn a boundary that I don't take their calls UNLESS I am at a point where I am willing to allow dysfunction and drama in my life (not often). I don't argue with them. I don't try to have normal converstations with them. I just listen, nod and agree. If I feel they are affecting my peace, I end the conversation. There's no point trying to reason with crazy....
What boundaries do you have about allowing unhealthy people to steal the peace in your life? What steps are you willing to take if your boundaries are violated? Or are you even looking for peace in your life right now? Sometimes we crave chaos in our lives. It feeds our unhealthy, dysfunctional side. Tough to overcome but with work and focus, we can overcome it when we are ready.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Indiana
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Originally Posted by Lily1918 
my ABFs parents want to drug test him and he is offended of course. He mentioned this to me and said of course He will test immediately tonight, and should He buy one for my house... I told him no. I know when he has been using. It's not rocket science. He was floored and asked when the last time was then and I told him. Of course I was right. my gut always is.I quoted cynical one to him and said using looks like using. I don't need your pee to know that 2+2=5. His mother wants to sit through meetings with him so she can know he is actually there and going... he vehemently refused and got very angry. she called me to vent and I told her that I don't go to his meetings, and I especially don't listen at doorways when he is on the phone with his sponsor. Its just out of line and she needs to let go. She told me I must not care about him and that I am an enabler. ok I accept I enable by not going no contact when he relapsed into active addiction, but I don't care because I don't drill him about his meetings???? really?? I invited her to nar-anon and she refused rather bitterly so I haven't asked again. sorry for rambling I just needed to vent
Sounds like Mom could use a 12 step program...
Zube
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
Unhealthy people resent healthy people with boundaries. You are doing well and you will do even better as time moves forward.
I experience this with my AH's family, especially his enabling, doormat mom.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Originally Posted by Wesley423
You sound as if u really have your stuff together. His moms attitude and action, though loving are completely wrong but justified. Your suggestion that she goto a meeting with you was spot on. You can only control your actions and your attitude for his recovery.
A little of my story: I was married for 19 yrs and my wife had said she was going to divorce me for the last 3 yrs. she had the same attitude as your bf mother. She loved me but her actions were misguided. Needless to say she divorced me and changed her attitude like your. This was the wakeup I needed and she actually changed my life. Because she disconnected I had to choose die or stop. Her attitude toward me in the end saved me! I know I'm rambling so ill end with this. Sounds like your going in the right path. Stay strong! Your pal in recovery... Wes ...
A little of my story: I was married for 19 yrs and my wife had said she was going to divorce me for the last 3 yrs. she had the same attitude as your bf mother. She loved me but her actions were misguided. Needless to say she divorced me and changed her attitude like your. This was the wakeup I needed and she actually changed my life. Because she disconnected I had to choose die or stop. Her attitude toward me in the end saved me! I know I'm rambling so ill end with this. Sounds like your going in the right path. Stay strong! Your pal in recovery... Wes ...
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