Rijjer

Last night abf came over after work, with a bottle of 151 in his hand.
I knew he wouldn't stick to his self-made "not drinking during the week" rule. And I made a snyde comment about it as I did the dishes/made dinner/took care of life things, while he sat & drank.
I had a bitter attitude for most of the night, then went to bed, cried myself to sleep & woke up multiple times after he came in, drunkenly flailed around, moaned, laughed, sleep-talked for hours.
I said one sentance in the car ride to school about having a bf with a drinking problem, and getting no sleep, and he said nothing.
I just don't get how someone so smart can't manage to get his $hit together & deal with life in a normal way. It's becoming a fundamental difference that can't be ignored.
I won't see him now until Saturday, which happens to be his work xmas party & birthday weekend. I could not be any less excited. And also so conflicted/frustrated/sad.
Obviously I can't break up with him this weekend, and be THAT person. But when IS the right time? There's always a reason to put it off - parties, birthdays, xmas, etc.
Also, I'm scared to fail at something. So what now?

TakingCharge999

What do you think you are failing at? a relationship takes 50/50, if the other person is not cooperating, that is not under your control.

I had nights like that with an ex boyfriend. It was horrible. He did not give a damn.

You can avoid breaking up this weekend and break up today there will always be reasons and while you are pondering, you are losing sleep, sanity & life.

Why do you have to attend an event you are not looking forward to?

Time to think about what is best for YOU. Hugs. I know how it feels like.

PS In my case the ex still drank and got someone else a few days afterwards. Don't worry about his feelings.. he does not seem to be worrying about yours.

Mourning an active addict sucked but I do not regret it for a single second. I offer respect and I deserve to be respected (easier said than done but at least now I got the theory right !!)

SparkleKitty

This is not obvious to me. Your happiness is not subject to a timetable of appropriate scheduling. It doesn't sound like he is contributing to the relationship in any way right now, and you are contributing to the point of purposely doing things you know will make you less happy.

If you are done, give yourself and him the respect of being done. If you are not, then you might want to consider setting some boundaries you can live with.

I know how stuck you feel right now, but -- and this is said with nothing but love and empathy because I have been there -- from an outside perspective, you are the one keeping yourself stuck. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Best of luck to you, this weekend and beyond.

Loopydays

When is the right time? I have been waiting for the right time for 20 years- always had an excuse- Christmas, his mother dying, my children's births,Christmas , his 30th birthday, his 40th birthday, his 50 th birthday, and now his recovery.
I do not know why I am still with him, I just wish I left him at the beginning when I wanted to! Now it's harder to leave when he is making the effort. Please consider that waiting for the right time MAY drag on for years.

ZiggyB

OMG, you sound just like me a few months ago and I felt the same way. We finally had a huge blow out and that's what ended things for good but I was miserable for months before that putting up with his crappy behavior. You need to start setting some boundaries. With me, it was you can't cancel plans because you're too drunk to show up.

But seriously, is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

Windancer

I left my fiance on Christmas Eve. Before actually leaving him, I cancelled the wedding a month before. To many people the timing likely didnt seem "right", but it was for me. I shouldnt have put it off for so long in the first place. I got to the point where I didnt care to be tactful...I just wanted out. He didnt care about my concerns and didnt invest in working on things even though I was....so one day I had it and I was gone. It just happened to be Christmas Eve. And, i dont regret it a single bit nor am I sorry about the timing.

Rijjer

Windancer - I'm continuously amazed by the strength of the people on here, yourself included. Seriously. I mean, I consider myself to be a strong woman, but I have a long way to go.
It's times like this that I really see my weaknesses. My insecurities, body images issues, anxieties, fears of being alone, conflict avoiding, etc etc.

grammyb

My sister told me the hardest part was making the decision to leave. She was so right. Once it's finally made , only then are you able to move forward. It feels a little easier now that I know there will be an end to this hell.

Rijjer

text from bf - life's hard. want to move to hawaii with me? we can sell macadamia nuts to tourists on the beach!
response from me - you're right, life is hard. but if your method of dealing with life is to drink it away then there is no future for us.

i want to vomit right now.

Windancer

Thank you, that means a lot to me!
But I do feel obligated to point out that even though that is what happened, it sure wasnt easy and oh boy did I ever feel alone after leaving. It was a very codependent relationship and it took me quite awhile to recover. Also, that was 3 years ago.....if it had been more recent I doubt I would have the strength to say the facts like I did. And I really do still have doubts, insecurities, terrible moments etc. I guess maybe my coping skills are improving perhaps, but I have a long way to go also

I hope you are ok and wish you strength during this difficult time. My ex fiance was the love of my life for over 10 years.......I have to say it took me at least a good 2 years to gather the courage to finally stop trying, blaming myself for everything and call it quits. He was very good at saying the right things at the right times, but he followed through on NOTHING. Actions really do speak louder than words. Even when I left, he kept telling everyone we were still together....that angered me. As if I didnt have the right or power to leave. I do not regret the entire relationship. He had issues, I had mine, and I learned many many valuable things. Yet the best decisions I ever made were to cancel the wedding, and eventually leave. I wish him all the best in life...I really do, it just isnt going to be a life with me as his wife.

OhBoy

You will know when the time is right. Try not to get too hung up on timing & upcoming events/plans etc. When it is right for you to move on, you will. Try to keep the pressure off yourself as far as "needing" to leave. Think it through, relax your thoughts & the answer will come. Stay until you are ready if you need to (as long as there is no imminent danger) or if your ready to leave, leave. His concern is for his drinking, not how you feel about his drinking. He knows you don't like it but is unwilling and/or unable to do anything about it as are you. If you could have changed his drinking, it would have been changed by now. Focus on yourself, make yourself strong. You can handle it whether that be to stay or to leave.

For me when the the big problems became too hard to ignore I focused more & more on myself, got myself as strong as I could & when it was time, I knew it & was ready. For me if I had ended it when it was starting, it would have been ugly(er) & I would have been going out of my mind with anger, confusion, hurt & every other emotion under the sun! I'm glad I took the time to build myself up, I believe it made a big difference in my life for the better. Stay strong, you can do it, whatever/whenever you need to.

Lulu39

Oh dear.

I'm sorry you had to put up with that cr@p. I've had the drunken flailing, moaning, laughing and sleep talking. It really sucks. Used to make me sooooo angry!


What now?

Well, you can fake this weekend and dump his arse first thing Monday morning, if it will make you feel better?

Or you could put up with it for the next 22 years like I did...you KNOW you don't want THAT!