How do you do it?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: IL
Posts: 48
How do you do it?
I am reading these posts and just wish I could be at the place so many of you are. My son is an alcoholic and has been since 16. He has been in therapeutic boarding school for alcohol/drugs, rehab, several outpatient programs and continues to destroy his life. He now has lost his license. He has 2 weeks left of college to graduate but it just feels like a constant roller coaster of lies. He's quitting and really means it then 2 days later, the hospital calls because he's passed out drunk with a gash on his head. He just got home for Thanksgiving break and is now out missing while we are all sitting home worrying.
I have panic attacks when the phone rings and just feel so isolated. My life feels so horrible. I have 2 wonderful daughters and need to be a good mom to them. I have read many books, talked to therapists, etc. and know what I should be doing and try my best not to enable but how do you make yourself not feel bad? How do I live my life and be happy when I am always wondering if I'll be getting a call telling me he's in jail or dead? I just can't seem to get to that point. I feel so unhappy.....
I have panic attacks when the phone rings and just feel so isolated. My life feels so horrible. I have 2 wonderful daughters and need to be a good mom to them. I have read many books, talked to therapists, etc. and know what I should be doing and try my best not to enable but how do you make yourself not feel bad? How do I live my life and be happy when I am always wondering if I'll be getting a call telling me he's in jail or dead? I just can't seem to get to that point. I feel so unhappy.....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
as a mother i feel for you. i have not shared your type of pain, but know that you will find that many here have felt your pain. i think it would be hard to let go of a child for any parent. but hold onto your 2 healthy girls and give them the love and support your son is not able to accept. i hope you are able to do what you know you need to before you get hurt anymore. hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Devastated, I am so sorry for your situation. Dealing with an alcoholic is always difficult, but I think it must be especially heartbreaking for a parent.
When people come to Sober Recovery, it is often recommended that you read the "stickies" which are the threads at the top of the Friends and Family of Alcoholics page. They are filled with wisdom, and will give you lots of information.
Another thing that people say here is the 3 C's:
Alanon meetings help people who have loved ones who alcoholics, and if you haven't been to any, try six meetings around your area, and you'll most likely find one you feel at home with. It's another form of support, and it helps people come to terms with the fact that they can only be responsible for themselves as much as they want to fix their loved one's problems. This can, over time, lead to some peace.
It's a quiet night here, with the holiday and all, but more people will be along, and I will check back in later and again tomorrow.
Take care, take heart, we here at Sober Recovery understand what you're going through. Post often,
ShootingStar1
When people come to Sober Recovery, it is often recommended that you read the "stickies" which are the threads at the top of the Friends and Family of Alcoholics page. They are filled with wisdom, and will give you lots of information.
Another thing that people say here is the 3 C's:
- You didn't cause it,
- You can't control it,
- You can't cure it.
Alanon meetings help people who have loved ones who alcoholics, and if you haven't been to any, try six meetings around your area, and you'll most likely find one you feel at home with. It's another form of support, and it helps people come to terms with the fact that they can only be responsible for themselves as much as they want to fix their loved one's problems. This can, over time, lead to some peace.
It's a quiet night here, with the holiday and all, but more people will be along, and I will check back in later and again tomorrow.
Take care, take heart, we here at Sober Recovery understand what you're going through. Post often,
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((devastated)) - I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I know I felt very similar when I came here, though my A's are not my children. I'm also an RA, thought I knew addiction inside and out, but knowing it doesn't mean my loved ones will listen to me.
This forum has had a huge part in helping me work through feelings and do what's best for me and my loved ones, which is usually detaching. It's taken a while, though.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
This forum has had a huge part in helping me work through feelings and do what's best for me and my loved ones, which is usually detaching. It's taken a while, though.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((devastated)) - I think one thing that helped me is I read of so many people who had tried, and tried, to get their A clean, but it never worked. I did the same, people did the same for ME when I was using.
I had to hit my bottom to find recovery. My family never stopped loving me, but they gave me the dignity to hit that bottom and figure out how to get back up. I will forever be grateful to them for that.
Now that I've got loved ones who are A's, I try to give them the dignity of living their life as they want to and deal with the consequences. It's not easy, but it does feel better to know that what they are doing really has nothing to do with me. I didn't cause it, I can't change it and I certainly can't cure it.
Oh, and though I know it FEELS personal, it's really not. When our brains are into using, that's all we think about. This isn't an excuse, it's just what my reality was.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I had to hit my bottom to find recovery. My family never stopped loving me, but they gave me the dignity to hit that bottom and figure out how to get back up. I will forever be grateful to them for that.
Now that I've got loved ones who are A's, I try to give them the dignity of living their life as they want to and deal with the consequences. It's not easy, but it does feel better to know that what they are doing really has nothing to do with me. I didn't cause it, I can't change it and I certainly can't cure it.
Oh, and though I know it FEELS personal, it's really not. When our brains are into using, that's all we think about. This isn't an excuse, it's just what my reality was.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Your pain is palpable. I'm so sorry. 
Of all the family members affected by another's alcoholism/addiction, the parents in my five Al-Anon groups with 16-27 year old alcoholics and heroin addicts are the ones that seem to have the hardest challenges. I see key differences among those situations when I take into account the 16-17 age group and whether they live with their parent(s) or not, and drive a parent's insured car or not. The parents with kids under 18 living at home and driving such car have it the toughest. While all parents feel so much for their alcoholic/addict children, the parents in that group carry a huge weight of responsibility, legally too, and they struggle balancing that responsibility, educating those kids and detaching. Those with kids over 17 living outside the home without such a car have it easier than that other group. The difference is some passage of time, and some deliberate progress in establishing boundaries and detaching.
The other big factors I see are the differences among those parents attending their first Al-Anon meeting, those working/living their Al-Anon program (or not), those embracing "radical acceptance" (or not), and those who choose to release their child into the child's own path, dignity and destiny.
The first meeting newcomers are in obvious, palpable despair. The others feel better even after one or just a few more meetings. Those who work and live the program are better the more they work and live it. I recommend reading the book How Al-Anon Works, especially Chapters 10 and 11. There is a huge relief from boundless despair, unhappiness and worry when this skill is learned too: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cceptance.html
Those parents who no longer view the other person as a child (if 18 or older), and deliberately reframe them as an adult who needs to be given the respect to make his or her own choices, and as a fellow fallible human being, are also much more serene.
All the best to you and him.
Of all the family members affected by another's alcoholism/addiction, the parents in my five Al-Anon groups with 16-27 year old alcoholics and heroin addicts are the ones that seem to have the hardest challenges. I see key differences among those situations when I take into account the 16-17 age group and whether they live with their parent(s) or not, and drive a parent's insured car or not. The parents with kids under 18 living at home and driving such car have it the toughest. While all parents feel so much for their alcoholic/addict children, the parents in that group carry a huge weight of responsibility, legally too, and they struggle balancing that responsibility, educating those kids and detaching. Those with kids over 17 living outside the home without such a car have it easier than that other group. The difference is some passage of time, and some deliberate progress in establishing boundaries and detaching.
The other big factors I see are the differences among those parents attending their first Al-Anon meeting, those working/living their Al-Anon program (or not), those embracing "radical acceptance" (or not), and those who choose to release their child into the child's own path, dignity and destiny.
The first meeting newcomers are in obvious, palpable despair. The others feel better even after one or just a few more meetings. Those who work and live the program are better the more they work and live it. I recommend reading the book How Al-Anon Works, especially Chapters 10 and 11. There is a huge relief from boundless despair, unhappiness and worry when this skill is learned too: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cceptance.html
Those parents who no longer view the other person as a child (if 18 or older), and deliberately reframe them as an adult who needs to be given the respect to make his or her own choices, and as a fellow fallible human being, are also much more serene.
All the best to you and him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I think the greatest thing that I learned on here and in al anon was to let go of things I cannot control. This was very, very hard for me. With my AH choosing to drink again with health problems caused by alcoholism - I cared more than he did about his health. So I had to let that go as well as the ineffective things I was trying to do to get him to quit.
It was really quite logical once I accepted it - why care when he doesn't?
Why care or fret if your son doesn't come home, he doesn't care if you are worried. Why care if he goes to the hospital injured, he doesn't care if he is injured. Why worry if he ends up n jail, he doesn't worry nor does he care. Do you think he cares that you have panic attacks when the phone rings? Nope. He only cares about getting drunk or high.
I hope you will try al anon - it will be good for your entire family. You are 4, he is 1, if everyone could get on the same page in setting boundaries the support you will receive from each other will only make you stronger.
It was really quite logical once I accepted it - why care when he doesn't?
Why care or fret if your son doesn't come home, he doesn't care if you are worried. Why care if he goes to the hospital injured, he doesn't care if he is injured. Why worry if he ends up n jail, he doesn't worry nor does he care. Do you think he cares that you have panic attacks when the phone rings? Nope. He only cares about getting drunk or high.
I hope you will try al anon - it will be good for your entire family. You are 4, he is 1, if everyone could get on the same page in setting boundaries the support you will receive from each other will only make you stronger.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
for me the thing that has helped me to detach is that i have realised that most of the drama from others in my life, has nothing to do with me. the things they say or do i have no control over. by giving myself permission to just let them make their own choices, and only having control over my own choices allows me to not take any of the blame or credit for what happens next. if their life becomes a train wreck then i am there if they ask for it, but not to just take over the mess and clean it up like a janitor would, but to let them tell me what they need and if i can give it then i do, but if i cant, then im ok with that too. my giving is not endless, and my love does not have strings. i give what i can, and i love because i want to.
i hope that helps. its been a long journey for me to allow those that i love to find their own way (more so when i can see a path paved with lights to the goal they want, but they choose the one that takes them into the some dark place that no one can see where it leads), but when they do come out the other end, they have done it for themselves, and their own way, and all of that has made them stronger (i too took my own path which im sure everyone else could see was a much longer and more difficult way too). but i couldnt be told and i am now a much stronger and wiser person because of it.
i hope that helps. its been a long journey for me to allow those that i love to find their own way (more so when i can see a path paved with lights to the goal they want, but they choose the one that takes them into the some dark place that no one can see where it leads), but when they do come out the other end, they have done it for themselves, and their own way, and all of that has made them stronger (i too took my own path which im sure everyone else could see was a much longer and more difficult way too). but i couldnt be told and i am now a much stronger and wiser person because of it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Devastated,
My XA was the love of my life... there is no doubt. I still love him awful. Nonetheless... with the help of my HP, this website, alanon, lots of reading I allowed myself the luxury of letting go and trusting God with his life.
My worry gained nothing. My hovering and helicoptering crippled him and honestly... blocked what his HP needed him to learn.
We pray for miracles. We pray for sobriety and the ones we love need to learn how to handle life on lifes terms and that includes pain and struggle. Yes... they can die. Yes... they can go to jail. Yes... there can be grave consequences.
Those all happened to my XA. He blew all of his money and wrecked his car. Then he burned his car up. Went to jail in 2 different states. Did rehab. relapsed. Was almost homeless 3000 miles from home.
He cried out... another... repeat another ... black night of the soul. And his HP showed up with a phone call from an old, old friend. A person who speaks around the country in AA with 25 years sobriety... real recovery. A guy who is BB Thumper and lives a life of spiritual recovery through the steps of the program (not just meetings!)...
and the XA got on a plane and his life changed in the most amazing ways.
But... the MOST amazing thing is that I didn't ride the rollercoaster this time!!!!!!!!
I was on my own path of recovery. And while we are talking and obviously still care about eachother there are NO PLANS whatsover to get back together. We are both fragile and in recovery and I would rather stick thumbtacks in my eyes that ever worry about a potential relapse or have an alcoholic in my life.... even a recovered one with 100 years.
Thats just me. Kids are different and I know that. However, please, please start your own journey of recovery. Of faith. Trusting yours and his HP to work things out for both of you.
Fear is the opposite of faith. Whatever is going to be ... well ... it will be. You cannot stop him and you can only love him and pray for him but LIVE your life to the fullest!
Hope this helps.
My XA was the love of my life... there is no doubt. I still love him awful. Nonetheless... with the help of my HP, this website, alanon, lots of reading I allowed myself the luxury of letting go and trusting God with his life.
My worry gained nothing. My hovering and helicoptering crippled him and honestly... blocked what his HP needed him to learn.
We pray for miracles. We pray for sobriety and the ones we love need to learn how to handle life on lifes terms and that includes pain and struggle. Yes... they can die. Yes... they can go to jail. Yes... there can be grave consequences.
Those all happened to my XA. He blew all of his money and wrecked his car. Then he burned his car up. Went to jail in 2 different states. Did rehab. relapsed. Was almost homeless 3000 miles from home.
He cried out... another... repeat another ... black night of the soul. And his HP showed up with a phone call from an old, old friend. A person who speaks around the country in AA with 25 years sobriety... real recovery. A guy who is BB Thumper and lives a life of spiritual recovery through the steps of the program (not just meetings!)...
and the XA got on a plane and his life changed in the most amazing ways.
But... the MOST amazing thing is that I didn't ride the rollercoaster this time!!!!!!!!
I was on my own path of recovery. And while we are talking and obviously still care about eachother there are NO PLANS whatsover to get back together. We are both fragile and in recovery and I would rather stick thumbtacks in my eyes that ever worry about a potential relapse or have an alcoholic in my life.... even a recovered one with 100 years.
Thats just me. Kids are different and I know that. However, please, please start your own journey of recovery. Of faith. Trusting yours and his HP to work things out for both of you.
Fear is the opposite of faith. Whatever is going to be ... well ... it will be. You cannot stop him and you can only love him and pray for him but LIVE your life to the fullest!
Hope this helps.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: IL
Posts: 48
Thank you so much for all your posts. Every one of them was helpful and gives me hope. I think if he can find a job and leave our home and be on his own, it will be easier for me to let go. I know I need to have faith even though I feel like my hundreds of prayers have gone unanswered. I almost wish that whatever is going to happen would just get over and happen. I have done everything I possibly can for him. I've gotten him through college, numerous rehabs, out of jail and I just can't do it anymore for my own sanity. I will keep trying to let go and hopefully finally be free to live my life with some peace.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
the hardest part devastated is letting go and no putting on conditions...ie if he can find a job and leave our home and be on his own...it will be easier to let go. let him own his choices and you own yours. thats the key to detachment. let what happens next be only about your choices and let him be worried about his.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by devastated1 
Thank you so much for all your posts. Every one of them was helpful and gives me hope. I think if he can find a job and leave our home and be on his own, it will be easier for me to let go. I know I need to have faith even though I feel like my hundreds of prayers have gone unanswered. I almost wish that whatever is going to happen would just get over and happen. I have done everything I possibly can for him. I've gotten him through college, numerous rehabs, out of jail and I just can't do it anymore for my own sanity. I will keep trying to let go and hopefully finally be free to live my life with some peace.
Train up a child ... Or an immature needy expectant alcoholic and what do I get? Just kept banging on the door of the hardware store for bread!
Finally was willing to put on a new pair of glasses... And reality hurt like pulling the scab off a wound and pouring Clorox on it. Lol... Try hydrogen peroxide for today.
One step... One day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((devastated)) - I've seen parents, here, who also felt that one their child left, got a job and out on their own, things would be better...only to start worrying about the child having money, not knowing what child was doing, etc.
I'm not saying you will do that. I just know that when I've said "I'll be better if ---- happens" and it rarely works. I've had to learn to be "all right" no matter WHAT happens or what someone does.
Just something to think about.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm not saying you will do that. I just know that when I've said "I'll be better if ---- happens" and it rarely works. I've had to learn to be "all right" no matter WHAT happens or what someone does.
Just something to think about.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Mass
Posts: 149
Devastated - I've was thinking about you and your son earlier today. I'm right there with you so don't have any advice just know you aren't alone. You know once my son moved out I still worry. I'm trying to do the things I need for myself but I do worry, a lot.
Hugs.
Hugs.
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