lasauterelle

It's about time I get grounded in reality. Since XABF and I broke NC two days ago, it's been a struggle.

I'm finding that each day in my new life has a theme, whether something I impose or something that is brought to my attention by the universe.

Yesterday's theme was Resistance and Surrender, contradictory, I know, but it was about Resisting the things I had surrendered to before and Surrendering to the things I had resisted before. Resist the urge to call, to text, to email, to check to see if XABF was online, to see if he was ok, how he's feeling, etc. Surrender myself to the fact that this is my new life, a life without him. Although it was his choice to leave me, I also have the choice to walk away, to walk away from the fantasy I had created in my head of who this person was to me, the fantasy of there ever being a happily-ever-after. I struggle hour by hour. That is where I am right now. I am hoping that hour by hour turns into day by day, then week by week, then eventually, there will be some relief. I am so exhausted.

Today's theme: Do Not Get Reality and Bulls**t Twisted. The line gets blurry often; I have moments of clarity, then fall back. I always default to making up stories inside my head. I ruminate. I've been fabricating stories since we've broken up, using his criticisms of me and personal attacks against me as fodder for content. I tell these stories to myself as if they're true and it's a slippery slope into self-blame and feeling worthless. It is so incredibly unhealthy, but that is where my mind wanders if I do not focus on my recovery. The most recent story I've made up inside my head is that he is actually getting the help he needs, he is finally taking the steps to recovery, and he is finally at peace and happier without me in his life. I held him back from sobriety, our relationship was to blame. I envision that he's already met someone else, and maybe she is better at dealing than I was, and so perhaps she is better than me. I imagine that he is getting his life together, that he's looking for a better job, that he's moved out of his mother's house, that he's pursuing all the things he is passionate about, all the things I encouraged him to do while we were together. I was just a weight, dragging him down. I was the common denominator in all the problems we had and now that it's over, he's become the person I fantasized he could be. Everything he said about me is true. Those are the stories I make up and it's hard to dig myself out of the hole.

I am trying to stay grounded in reality. I need a different story to tell myself. A work of non-fiction, perhaps. Then maybe it would read like this: He is an addict. His problems run deep; they stem from childhood, and nothing I could ever do was going to fix that. Throughout his moments of staying clean, he was never sober. He never made a real, actionable attempt at sobriety in the 3 years we were together, nor did he do that in the preceding 4 years that he was an opiate addict. I need to remind myself to write the paragraph where he told me I was poison in life, where he told me that now that I'm out of his life, he's going to get help and be awesome in life, that he told me these things while holding a beer in his hand at 9:30 in the morning. In this story, I need to write his character as it really is, that while everyone else saw him as the life-of-the-party, lovable, funny, outgoing, jovial, sweet guy, they only saw moments. They got to eat the best slice of the pie; I took home the leftovers, and those weren't so fresh. In reality, he was depressed, sad, lost, stagnant in his life, a child at the age of 28. Perhaps in this new story, I will take responsibility for my role in this mess, but I will alleviate myself of taking all the blame. I loved him deeply and he was incapable of receiving that love and incapable of returning it. This is a lesson learned and a lesson forced on me. It wasn't a stove I repeatedly put my hand on; it was a roaring, open fire and my hand didn't simply get burned. It got burned off, down to the incinerated bone.

I am itching to reach out to him, but I simply cannot offer up my other hand for burning.

But whichever story I tell myself today, it hurts either way and the hurt runs deep.

When does it get better?

dollydo

Time, be patient, keep your resolve, feed yourself positive thoughts...you know that you are better off without him, keep telling yourself that.

ZiggyB

Interesting that today I was reading something about codependency and shame:
Shame: The Core of Addiction and Codependency | Darlene LancerDarlene Lancer

I think the breakup triggers these negative thoughts, I know mine did...

Yeah I have imagined stories too, like my axbf is off enjoying a fabulous life without me, meeting new women, glad to get rid of me... today is his birthday and he is probably going somewhere nice. Interesting that I saw a picture of him recently and I was thinking he looks like a deranged Nazi. If he does meet a new woman, I have no doubt that he will put her through what he put me through. Like yours, everyone saw him as this fun, affable person but I got the brunt of his pain and lashing out. These people are great at criticisms and personal attacks, everytime they bring you down they get to feel better about themselves. I also have moments where I believe all the crap he dumped on me is true, but if your exbf is anything like mine he's really a controlling, angry narcissist who will destroy most of the relationships they get into.

Anyhoo, why don't you you and I try to write a new story for ourselves? We are off enjoying a fabulous life, meeting new people, pursuing our interests and glad to be rid of their stress and B.S. Does it matter what they are doing anymore now that they're out of our lives? Let's focus on being fabulous! ;-)

Rosiepetal

Break it down to one hour at a time, that's what I had to do in the beginning.

Here's my story:

I had enough of my exabf drinking & broken promises
I broke it off
He went straight to another woman

It hurt a lot but now I think:
He's still drinking
He may have a better life with her but it will only be temporary & she will go through what I did & even maybe worse
They may be happy for now but it won't last

Meanwhile I get healthy.

I know your rollercoaster of emotion & it's not nice but give it time, grieve for him & in time it will get a little easier.

PS: I still love my exabf, I can't help him, I have to move on.

lovesunandsnow

Lasauterelle,
I wish you the best tonight in feeling better! It is a struggle and I understand this pain all too well. Mine started close to 2 years ago with my ex-abf. We broke up three months ago. It’s all so painful but you too can work through the pain.

Keep reading, keep posting and keep breathing! Name calling is what they seem to be good at, but remember this and I can say from my experience this has helped me. You will get stronger, you will move on in life and heal but he will forever be in a painful place of denial and addiction. They do not forget you but someday you will forget him and remember the lesson you got and will never repeat it again.

I’m not sure I’m the best at giving any advice because I’m totally new at this but for me what I just wrote has this week given me some relief I needed. Someday I will be okay and from everything I read here and learn you will to, it takes time and work.

Stay strong and do something nice for yourself. Again I’m sorry you’re hurting.

stigmatized

I just wanted you to know that I totally get it. I feel the same way. My thoughts have a way of running away with themselves and I get wrapped up in things that just aren't true. I start to remember the good times, great even, in between all the bad. I think it's healthy to figure out your part in it but not what you could've done to change the outcome. I THINK. I'm trying to figure it all out too. It just seems like guilt is so much a part of why I stayed (how can I just leave him this way?) that I'm still doing that same thing. Letting guilt override my intuition and logic thinking. I have to do the same thing. I have to guide my mind to a better place many times through out the day.

lovesunandsnow

I get it, I have been down the good lately to and not thinking about the bad. There was always more bad then good the last 7 months. My Mom is in town and tonight is the first time we have talked about what my ex-abf did. She stayed with us when she got sick for 3 of the longest weeks ever. Not because I didn't want here there, because I did, he didn't. It was to hard for him even though she was in bed 99% of the time while he was home prior to him running to the bars.


She couldn't believe the change in him and couldn't understand what was going on. The only thing that has helped me is her talking with me tonight. It has given me relief that I did all I could do and that he was sick.

It's that darn rollercoaster ride, time to get off! Keep the faith you will work through your current feelings to move on to better ones.

outonalimb

Wow...you have great insight into the whole process...you really do!!

It does hurt and it takes time to heal but you WILL heal. The most important thing you can do is take really loving care of yourself. For me, that means going to al anon meetings, working out, listening to music, reaching out to friends, and alot of prayer and meditation. We become just as sick as they are by living with the disease. Give yourself time to heal. Love yourself. Replace negative, fear-based thoughts with positive, affirming ones. It takes practice and discipline but it is so worth it.

I'm on a similar journey/path to healing.
You have lots of company. Just keep moving forward.

dandylion

Dear lasaute, your words resounded with me, because I have done the exact, same thing when I feel rejected by a loved one. Right now, I am struggling with some very mean things done to me by my sister--even though I know that she is very neurotic and unhappy, her cruel attacks STILL cut soo deep. I know what you are talking about.

It sounds to me like you are grieving---and, I can't think of anything more painful than grief. It will pass,though, and the sun will come out--again--for you.

You can't avoid grief--but remember that the seeds of healing are planted in the grieving phase.

We are here for you!
Please hang around.

sincerely, dandylion

ShootingStar1

lasauterelle, you have written so eloquently of your pain; I am so sorry that you are going through this. You have great insight already, and as time goes by, I believe that insight percolates through the being, and it will start informing your feelings more and more, hour by hour, day by day, week by week. This too will pass. Have faith, it will not stay this painful.

"I've been fabricating stories since we've broken up, using his criticisms of me and personal attacks against me as fodder for content. I tell these stories to myself as if they're true and it's a slippery slope into self-blame and feeling worthless. It is so incredibly unhealthy, but that is where my mind wanders if I do not focus on my recovery.

...(My stories say) I was just a weight, dragging him down. I was the common denominator in all the problems we had and now that it's over, he's become the person I fantasized he could be. Everything he said about me is true. Those are the stories I make up and it's hard to dig myself out of the hole."

There is something called gaslighting which you might want to google and look into. I didn't know about it until I came here in July after escaping from my abusive tormenting AH of 20 years on July 4th.

The term comes from a movie called "Gaslight" set in the turn of the century where the husband wanted his wife's money so he played her tricks on her to make her doubt her sanity. The house was lit by gaslights, and he would go into the attic and disrupt the gas supply so that the lights would dim. When his wife noticed this, he would deny that it was happening. She doubted her own perceptions more and more.

In my experience, I came to believe his bitter rantings that I was to blame for his drinking, his unhappiness, any and all of his problems. I also came more and more to accept his view that I was incompetent in many arenas, and he took over the finances, even did almost all of the driving.

Perhaps, beyond needing a new story, you may need to look at the psychological basis of your relationship: whose perspective was "real"? If this fits for you, and I have no idea if it does or doesn't, it may get you beneath the separate incidents and the piece by piece "evidence" of how you are to blame for it all. For me, it was an ah-ha moment in which I realized I allowed myself to be brainwashed.

If this fits, let us know, there are other syndromes such as Stockholm syndrome that may also have been at play.

If it doesn't fit, you are still NOT TO BLAME. He did what he did because of his priorities, not yours. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Stay no contact, come here often. Many people here helped me sort out what was real and what wasn't each time I fell back into that deep hole of self blame. Now, four and a half months later, I am mainly out of that emotional orbit, and I am finding much more peace and contentment. I wish that for you, too.

ShootingStar1

Florence

ZiggyB, thanks for that link on shame and codependency. I saw a lot of myself described there which is a little painful. Ugh.

Happy turkey day (or tofurkey day), everyone.

ZiggyB

yeah me too...
And sadly I was in a relationship with someone who used shaming behaviors as a way to try and control me. So incredibly toxic because it just reaffirms those negative beliefs we have about ourselves.

marie1960

I started to heal when I surrendered. I stopped hoping and wishing for someone else. Who was I to think/believe something for someone else. This is his life, his choice, I have no magical power to change anything for him. I am not his answer. I cannot fix, or restore health, and sobriety to his troubled life. He liked to drink. And if he wanted to drink himself to death, who am I to stop him???

Truly one of the saddest times of my life. The only thing that could have made this worse, would have been to stay, living a life of denial. Pretending he was still that same wonderful person was an injustice to myself. My life was a lie, a sick, twisted farce. it was sink or swim. I did not want to drown in his disease. I could not accept that I lived on this earth for 50 years and now this was to be my destiny. To spend the rest of my life with an out of control active alkie, Oh hell no, there has to be another way........

So almost 18 months, I get to wake up free of the rantings and ravings of an intoxicated madman, and it feels absolutely divine.......... Hang in there, Lasauterelle the fog will lift, blue skies are near.

lillamy

Reality is simple. It's the stories we tell ourselves that complicate things.

Stories are like blankets we wrap reality in when it hurts.
And we tend to create stories where we play the part we're comfortable with.
My AXH creates stories where he is the victim. Every story he's ever told me about his life, he was the victim. The stories he is now telling about me, he's the victim.

Stories can have healing powers, too. Stories can help us make sense of things.

But reality is simple. My reality was: If I stay, I die.

For me, it got easier when I stopped trying to explain and just accepted reality: His behaviors were unacceptable and detrimental to my health, and the health of our children. That's reality. Why? How? Did he ever love me? Was he capable of loving? I decided that was beside the point. What it boiled down to was survival and health.

The night I left, I said to the kids "I don't know what is going to happen now, but I know for a fact that it will leave everyone healthier."

Change is scary. Leaving is painful. I found that accepting those feelings and letting them be, without trying to explain them to myself rationally made everything a whole lot easier.

lasauterelle

Shooting Star-Yes, I am familiar with gaslighting and yes, I do believe there was gaslighting involved when it came to blaming me for his desire to drink and telling me that things were my fault. I noticed that over the period of our relationship, he would take jabs by saying, "Oh, and even my friends think you're [insert insult]" and "My mom even notices [insert insult]." At first, I ignored them as angry rants, since he would always apologize afterwards, saying he was acting out of irritation. But over time, I started not only to believe his friends and family were talking about me, but I started to believe the criticisms themselves. I will have to admit, it was easy to see myself in that light because I had become codependent in the relationship and felt responsible for my wrongdoings.

I am in a better headspace today, but find that at any moment, I can slip back into that black hole. I just want the rollercoaster to stop

lasauterelle

I just want to thank you all for your support. I feel so welcomed and supported during what feels like the darkest time of my life. I really struggled the last two days and found it difficult to even come here, as I felt like I just wanted to stick my head in the sand and wait for the storm to pass and ignore the reality that this is my life now.

I hope to get to a place of peace and acceptance and wisdom that so many of you have shown.

ladybugblue

I can totally relate to your statement “the fantasy I had created in my head of who this person was to me”… What helped me was remembering that I was mourning for the person I thought he could be or I wanted him to be and not the person he is.