my appologies to the veterans
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
my appologies to the veterans
For being a crybaby. thank you for your kindness. I know these positive thoughts are me being a classic codie. I really have come to relish this place. it feels so safe. I am learning more and more every day. I know you have been where I am, and I want you to know That I want to be better, I just don't know how. Ugh Im such a classic newbie, but Im beginning to understand. there is no hope for him, because god doesn't ever take away freewill. I guess I just need to vent. going to a meeting tomorrow. I wish I could now, but its late here and there are none
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by cynical one 
Lily,
I don’t know if you ever really become a veteran at this or if you just get old(er). Just continue to try to be open and willing to learning. You’ll do this at your own pace, and you will question and falter and fall flat on your face many times along the way. That’s the process…trust it.
And, though you can’t see it now, as long as you keep working on you, there are many things that you will become grateful for because of what you are going through now. And hope, there is always hope as long as he is sucking in air. But, hope is not a plan, and until he makes a plan and follows through on it, he’s going to stay stuck in the insanity. But, you don’t have to.
I don’t know if you ever really become a veteran at this or if you just get old(er). Just continue to try to be open and willing to learning. You’ll do this at your own pace, and you will question and falter and fall flat on your face many times along the way. That’s the process…trust it.
And, though you can’t see it now, as long as you keep working on you, there are many things that you will become grateful for because of what you are going through now. And hope, there is always hope as long as he is sucking in air. But, hope is not a plan, and until he makes a plan and follows through on it, he’s going to stay stuck in the insanity. But, you don’t have to.
P.S. Veterans? I just call them the old timers!!
just kidding
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
he might be on a bender and he might not be. it really doesnt matter. keep only concentrating on what YOU ARE DOING. and leave him to do what he is doing...whatever that is. when you no longer want to put up with his BS you will just move on and be ready for the path that lays ahead of you.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Uk
Posts: 764
No need to apologize. Isn't that what this fmsite about? Talking through your feelings n overcoming hardships with ppl who can support you?
Keep going. You're doing really well n no need to be sorry at all
xxxx
Keep going. You're doing really well n no need to be sorry at all
xxxx
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
How about ripe, Dolly? 
(From someone who is older than dirt).
I agree, recovery is a process, a learning experience, and when we know better we do better.
For me it's a daily process that I need if I am to remain diligent. Complacency is my worst enemy, even worse than a crisis because at least a crisis will bring me to my knees.
That's why we all walk together here, holding each other up and cheering each other along. One codie helping another...that's how it works.
Hugs
(From someone who is older than dirt).I agree, recovery is a process, a learning experience, and when we know better we do better.
For me it's a daily process that I need if I am to remain diligent. Complacency is my worst enemy, even worse than a crisis because at least a crisis will bring me to my knees.
That's why we all walk together here, holding each other up and cheering each other along. One codie helping another...that's how it works.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Thanks everyone. its nice to know Im not alone. I didn't mean old haha . I meant people who already know where the road with an addict leads. he's out in a drug house right now, his phone pocket dialed me last night and I sat there listening to everything being said. worst part is he said "I gotta go home you guys. my girl is really amazing and she will never forgive me." :,( but of course he decided to stay.
Grandma says he won't return for quite some time so, oh well I guess. :,( Im so sad and so hurt I just want to lie in bed and stare at the wall. but I won't. Im going to get up and clean the kitchen and get ready for thanksgiving. ugh be thankful I didn't marry him. I almost did a few months ago. terrifying thought actually. I wonder if I will ever see him again. will he darken my doorstep? Call me? Will he go to church on the street? Or right back to the dopehouse? Is he going to come when he runs out of money? Or has no place to sleep? I wish he would show up now while I am still angry, because then I would have the power and strenghth to give him his things and close the door. I fear I may never see him again. :,( oh how I wish he would choose recovery. he was so excited right after rehab so happy. and he looked like cynical ones list. 2 meetings a day positive thinking and talking. all of it. to the T. but then something happened. He fell off the pink cloud I suppose. he told me on Thursday he wished he could have gone into a year long program, and 30 days was simply not enough. I don't think he wants it for real and that's why this has happened. I've never experienced him going on a bender before... I mean one night sure, or go pick up and then go home. never have I seen him sit at the dopehouse for days. It really is progressive. I just want to let go and I can't. I dreamed about him. but today I want to try and live for me. Maybe go get my nails done or something like that I knew his sky would come crashing down and it feels like mine is too. I want my pianist. so talented. Im sorry for the vent. I just want to know when I will hear from him, if I will see him again, and how I am going to respond if he does. I wish I wouldn't see him for a year and then one day he would come back in recovery and make amends. Ugh Im venting I know. but all of my hope is gone.
Grandma says he won't return for quite some time so, oh well I guess. :,( Im so sad and so hurt I just want to lie in bed and stare at the wall. but I won't. Im going to get up and clean the kitchen and get ready for thanksgiving. ugh be thankful I didn't marry him. I almost did a few months ago. terrifying thought actually. I wonder if I will ever see him again. will he darken my doorstep? Call me? Will he go to church on the street? Or right back to the dopehouse? Is he going to come when he runs out of money? Or has no place to sleep? I wish he would show up now while I am still angry, because then I would have the power and strenghth to give him his things and close the door. I fear I may never see him again. :,( oh how I wish he would choose recovery. he was so excited right after rehab so happy. and he looked like cynical ones list. 2 meetings a day positive thinking and talking. all of it. to the T. but then something happened. He fell off the pink cloud I suppose. he told me on Thursday he wished he could have gone into a year long program, and 30 days was simply not enough. I don't think he wants it for real and that's why this has happened. I've never experienced him going on a bender before... I mean one night sure, or go pick up and then go home. never have I seen him sit at the dopehouse for days. It really is progressive. I just want to let go and I can't. I dreamed about him. but today I want to try and live for me. Maybe go get my nails done or something like that I knew his sky would come crashing down and it feels like mine is too. I want my pianist. so talented. Im sorry for the vent. I just want to know when I will hear from him, if I will see him again, and how I am going to respond if he does. I wish I wouldn't see him for a year and then one day he would come back in recovery and make amends. Ugh Im venting I know. but all of my hope is gone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
He is doing what addicts do and you know what … and this is hard for many to believe, but it is ok. This is the choice he made today, and he is really entitled to it. You take hope in the fact that he is still breathing and has a chance and you try to move on with your life, with a prayer he will in time with his own.
There is a saying we are right where we need to be. I am not sure how I apply that to this watching side , which confuses me so even though I was right there. It is about how those who watch create so much of the chaos they live in because they refuse to accept that they have no control. But for those who use, it all makes so much sense. Even in the sickness, he is learning. He has to dispel the myth in his head, the lies that he is telling himself. Oh the lies it is the ones we tell ourselves on any side of this fence that do us in … You only do that through making choices and living it the way you think you need to in the moment.
You won’t understand the things he does, you can’t, so try not to waste to much of your time trying. They really do become such a wonderful distraction to not look at what we are doing to ourselves. But you can and should find out why you are like you are. In many ways your design is what got you here today, will run all the reactions you have and set the fear that could leave paralyzing and stuck in place …. Understand finding you will give you the best chance in it all. As cynical wrote work on you for the best chance at a wonderful life.
And the anger, how quickly it becomes relief when they walk through the door and you see that they are alive even if you know there is no living , no life in the madness chosen…
There is a saying we are right where we need to be. I am not sure how I apply that to this watching side , which confuses me so even though I was right there. It is about how those who watch create so much of the chaos they live in because they refuse to accept that they have no control. But for those who use, it all makes so much sense. Even in the sickness, he is learning. He has to dispel the myth in his head, the lies that he is telling himself. Oh the lies it is the ones we tell ourselves on any side of this fence that do us in … You only do that through making choices and living it the way you think you need to in the moment.
You won’t understand the things he does, you can’t, so try not to waste to much of your time trying. They really do become such a wonderful distraction to not look at what we are doing to ourselves. But you can and should find out why you are like you are. In many ways your design is what got you here today, will run all the reactions you have and set the fear that could leave paralyzing and stuck in place …. Understand finding you will give you the best chance in it all. As cynical wrote work on you for the best chance at a wonderful life.
And the anger, how quickly it becomes relief when they walk through the door and you see that they are alive even if you know there is no living , no life in the madness chosen…
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by incitingsilence
He is doing what addicts do and you know what … and this is hard for many to believe, but it is ok. This is the choice he made today, and he is really entitled to it. You take hope in the fact that he is still breathing and has a chance and you try to move on with your life, with a prayer he will in time with his own.
There is a saying we are right where we need to be. I am not sure how I apply that to this watching side , which confuses me so even though I was right there. It is about how those who watch create so much of the chaos they live in because they refuse to accept that they have no control. But for those who use, it all makes so much sense. Even in the sickness, he is learning. He has to dispel the myth in his head, the lies that he is telling himself. Oh the lies it is the ones we tell ourselves on any side of this fence that do us in … You only do that through making choices and living it the way you think you need to in the moment.
You won’t understand the things he does, you can’t, so try not to waste to much of your time trying. They really do become such a wonderful distraction to not look at what we are doing to ourselves. But you can and should find out why you are like you are. In many ways your design is what got you here today, will run all the reactions you have and set the fear that could leave paralyzing and stuck in place …. Understand finding you will give you the best chance in it all. As cynical wrote work on you for the best chance at a wonderful life.
And the anger, how quickly it becomes relief when they walk through the door and you see that they are alive even if you know there is no living , no life in the madness chosen…
There is a saying we are right where we need to be. I am not sure how I apply that to this watching side , which confuses me so even though I was right there. It is about how those who watch create so much of the chaos they live in because they refuse to accept that they have no control. But for those who use, it all makes so much sense. Even in the sickness, he is learning. He has to dispel the myth in his head, the lies that he is telling himself. Oh the lies it is the ones we tell ourselves on any side of this fence that do us in … You only do that through making choices and living it the way you think you need to in the moment.
You won’t understand the things he does, you can’t, so try not to waste to much of your time trying. They really do become such a wonderful distraction to not look at what we are doing to ourselves. But you can and should find out why you are like you are. In many ways your design is what got you here today, will run all the reactions you have and set the fear that could leave paralyzing and stuck in place …. Understand finding you will give you the best chance in it all. As cynical wrote work on you for the best chance at a wonderful life.
And the anger, how quickly it becomes relief when they walk through the door and you see that they are alive even if you know there is no living , no life in the madness chosen…
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Uk
Posts: 764
Originally Posted by Lily1918
Thanks everyone. its nice to know Im not alone. I didn't mean old haha . I meant people who already know where the road with an addict leads. he's out in a drug house right now, his phone pocket dialed me last night and I sat there listening to everything being said. worst part is he said "I gotta go home you guys. my girl is really amazing and she will never forgive me." :,( but of course he decided to stay.
Grandma says he won't return for quite some time so, oh well I guess. :,( Im so sad and so hurt I just want to lie in bed and stare at the wall. but I won't. Im going to get up and clean the kitchen and get ready for thanksgiving. ugh be thankful I didn't marry him. I almost did a few months ago. terrifying thought actually. I wonder if I will ever see him again. will he darken my doorstep? Call me? Will he go to church on the street? Or right back to the dopehouse? Is he going to come when he runs out of money? Or has no place to sleep? I wish he would show up now while I am still angry, because then I would have the power and strenghth to give him his things and close the door. I fear I may never see him again. :,( oh how I wish he would choose recovery. he was so excited right after rehab so happy. and he looked like cynical ones list. 2 meetings a day positive thinking and talking. all of it. to the T. but then something happened. He fell off the pink cloud I suppose. he told me on Thursday he wished he could have gone into a year long program, and 30 days was simply not enough. I don't think he wants it for real and that's why this has happened. I've never experienced him going on a bender before... I mean one night sure, or go pick up and then go home. never have I seen him sit at the dopehouse for days. It really is progressive. I just want to let go and I can't. I dreamed about him. but today I want to try and live for me. Maybe go get my nails done or something like that I knew his sky would come crashing down and it feels like mine is too. I want my pianist. so talented. Im sorry for the vent. I just want to know when I will hear from him, if I will see him again, and how I am going to respond if he does. I wish I wouldn't see him for a year and then one day he would come back in recovery and make amends. Ugh Im venting I know. but all of my hope is gone.
Grandma says he won't return for quite some time so, oh well I guess. :,( Im so sad and so hurt I just want to lie in bed and stare at the wall. but I won't. Im going to get up and clean the kitchen and get ready for thanksgiving. ugh be thankful I didn't marry him. I almost did a few months ago. terrifying thought actually. I wonder if I will ever see him again. will he darken my doorstep? Call me? Will he go to church on the street? Or right back to the dopehouse? Is he going to come when he runs out of money? Or has no place to sleep? I wish he would show up now while I am still angry, because then I would have the power and strenghth to give him his things and close the door. I fear I may never see him again. :,( oh how I wish he would choose recovery. he was so excited right after rehab so happy. and he looked like cynical ones list. 2 meetings a day positive thinking and talking. all of it. to the T. but then something happened. He fell off the pink cloud I suppose. he told me on Thursday he wished he could have gone into a year long program, and 30 days was simply not enough. I don't think he wants it for real and that's why this has happened. I've never experienced him going on a bender before... I mean one night sure, or go pick up and then go home. never have I seen him sit at the dopehouse for days. It really is progressive. I just want to let go and I can't. I dreamed about him. but today I want to try and live for me. Maybe go get my nails done or something like that I knew his sky would come crashing down and it feels like mine is too. I want my pianist. so talented. Im sorry for the vent. I just want to know when I will hear from him, if I will see him again, and how I am going to respond if he does. I wish I wouldn't see him for a year and then one day he would come back in recovery and make amends. Ugh Im venting I know. but all of my hope is gone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by Lily1918
Thanks everyone. its nice to know Im not alone. I didn't mean old haha . I meant people who already know where the road with an addict leads. he's out in a drug house right now, his phone pocket dialed me last night and I sat there listening to everything being said. worst part is he said "I gotta go home you guys. my girl is really amazing and she will never forgive me." :,( but of course he decided to stay.
Grandma says he won't return for quite some time so, oh well I guess. :,( Im so sad and so hurt I just want to lie in bed and stare at the wall. but I won't. Im going to get up and clean the kitchen and get ready for thanksgiving. ugh be thankful I didn't marry him. I almost did a few months ago. terrifying thought actually. I wonder if I will ever see him again. will he darken my doorstep? Call me? Will he go to church on the street? Or right back to the dopehouse? Is he going to come when he runs out of money? Or has no place to sleep? I wish he would show up now while I am still angry, because then I would have the power and strenghth to give him his things and close the door. I fear I may never see him again. :,( oh how I wish he would choose recovery. he was so excited right after rehab so happy. and he looked like cynical ones list. 2 meetings a day positive thinking and talking. all of it. to the T. but then something happened. He fell off the pink cloud I suppose. he told me on Thursday he wished he could have gone into a year long program, and 30 days was simply not enough. I don't think he wants it for real and that's why this has happened. I've never experienced him going on a bender before... I mean one night sure, or go pick up and then go home. never have I seen him sit at the dopehouse for days. It really is progressive. I just want to let go and I can't. I dreamed about him. but today I want to try and live for me. Maybe go get my nails done or something like that I knew his sky would come crashing down and it feels like mine is too. I want my pianist. so talented. Im sorry for the vent. I just want to know when I will hear from him, if I will see him again, and how I am going to respond if he does. I wish I wouldn't see him for a year and then one day he would come back in recovery and make amends. Ugh Im venting I know. but all of my hope is gone.
Grandma says he won't return for quite some time so, oh well I guess. :,( Im so sad and so hurt I just want to lie in bed and stare at the wall. but I won't. Im going to get up and clean the kitchen and get ready for thanksgiving. ugh be thankful I didn't marry him. I almost did a few months ago. terrifying thought actually. I wonder if I will ever see him again. will he darken my doorstep? Call me? Will he go to church on the street? Or right back to the dopehouse? Is he going to come when he runs out of money? Or has no place to sleep? I wish he would show up now while I am still angry, because then I would have the power and strenghth to give him his things and close the door. I fear I may never see him again. :,( oh how I wish he would choose recovery. he was so excited right after rehab so happy. and he looked like cynical ones list. 2 meetings a day positive thinking and talking. all of it. to the T. but then something happened. He fell off the pink cloud I suppose. he told me on Thursday he wished he could have gone into a year long program, and 30 days was simply not enough. I don't think he wants it for real and that's why this has happened. I've never experienced him going on a bender before... I mean one night sure, or go pick up and then go home. never have I seen him sit at the dopehouse for days. It really is progressive. I just want to let go and I can't. I dreamed about him. but today I want to try and live for me. Maybe go get my nails done or something like that I knew his sky would come crashing down and it feels like mine is too. I want my pianist. so talented. Im sorry for the vent. I just want to know when I will hear from him, if I will see him again, and how I am going to respond if he does. I wish I wouldn't see him for a year and then one day he would come back in recovery and make amends. Ugh Im venting I know. but all of my hope is gone.
I'm so sorry for your pain,Lily.
Don't ever be sorry to vent,it's all I've
here (for almost a year!).Exposure to this
malevolent evil has nothing to offer a happy,
well spent life---at all.The only value I've found
in this misadventure has been the discovery of strengths
within us that we didn't know we had....the most important
being the strength to turn and walk away
....forever.
As proud as I am for throwing a lifeline to a drowning person,I am
equally proud of saving myself when it didn't work out.Now,with SR's
help--we can all do some good by passing on the hard earned wisdom
we have learned...to say....
"Stop,my friend....something wicked this way comes".
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Uk
Posts: 764
Originally Posted by Lily1918
I hope that includes hitting bottom. for both of us.
A strange thing happened to me a few months back, was on a site n remember thinking I'm never going to stop codeine when on here makes me want it more' a few days later I did something n got myself banned. Yep God is around n he does whats best.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Vale
================================================== =====
I'm so sorry for your pain,Lily.
Don't ever be sorry to vent,it's all I've
here (for almost a year!).Exposure to this
malevolent evil has nothing to offer a happy,
well spent life---at all.The only value I've found
in this misadventure has been the discovery of strengths
within us that we didn't know we had....the most important
being the strength to turn and walk away
....forever.
As proud as I am for throwing a lifeline to a drowning person,I am
equally proud of saving myself when it didn't work out.Now,with SR's
help--we can all do some good by passing on the hard earned wisdom
we have learned...to say....
"Stop,my friend....something wicked this way comes".
I'm so sorry for your pain,Lily.
Don't ever be sorry to vent,it's all I've
here (for almost a year!).Exposure to this
malevolent evil has nothing to offer a happy,
well spent life---at all.The only value I've found
in this misadventure has been the discovery of strengths
within us that we didn't know we had....the most important
being the strength to turn and walk away
....forever.
As proud as I am for throwing a lifeline to a drowning person,I am
equally proud of saving myself when it didn't work out.Now,with SR's
help--we can all do some good by passing on the hard earned wisdom
we have learned...to say....
"Stop,my friend....something wicked this way comes".
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
I am such a codependent. I need to get out of this relapse it's been going on for days now. I found him. he reached out to my sister. told her that he loves me with all of his heart. to tell me that he is okay. he did relapse, and that there is nothing he can say to make me take him back. to tell me that he misses me, but can't break the no contact rule, because I deserve better. I did a drive by his work to see if he made it today and found him outside. I asked him if he wants me to let go and walk away. I asked him if he was ever going to come home. he said yes he wants to come home but was afraid. I told him I love him with all of my heart and I forgive him for everything. he said he would call me tonight but I don't believe him. I know I shouldn't have gone to his work. it took all of my strength to turn the car on and leave. I want to camp out there until the end of the night, and talk to him when he gets off, he asked me to stay. I told him to go in get to work in call me when he was ready. I wish I hadn't gone. Im glad he is alive, but Im disappointed in myself, and now can't shake the hope that he will get clean this time. Im sorry everyone for not letting go... I guess its like them in thier addiction. if I really look at myself its because I don't want to, so maybe I don't belong here, but I would love to stay. If you guys will have me
If you guys will have me
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