choublak

I've been to a few Al-Anon meetings, and while I have gotten some good concepts from it, people there can act like 12-year-olds (yes, I'm aware that some people probably say the same about me).

For example. One meeting I attended. The organizer spent part of the meeting emphasizing the confidentiality rule, which is understandable, but then he made a big point about how some other people from a meeting he used to go to would point and laugh when they saw him out.

Another meeting, this one woman who'd suffered a lot of abuse would cry whenever it was her turn to "share". I noticed some people would roll their eyes when it was her turn. Who does that in a "support" group?

kudzujean

I feel your pain. I've been to an Al Anon meeting which is frequented by a woman who exhibits very inappropriate behaviors. Once, she spoke scoldingly to a woman who was sharing, saying she was going over the time. She might've been but there's a nicer way to tell people their time is up.

She has a problem with boundaries big time, and invaded my personal space several times until I told her forcefully to back off. I'm a person who doesn think well on my feet and this woman is so unpredictable you never know what she's going to do.

I heard from someone else that at one meeting she was whining about her sexual needs not being met, and how long it had been since she'd had sex. Yes, somebody should have told her that was inappropriate.

I still attend that group sometimes but I'm not as involved in it as I used to be.

akalacha

¨I heard from someone else that at one meeting she was whining ...¨
Maybe that someone else should have been told it's inappropriate to repeat what is said in the meetings.

onlythetruth

Yeah, the eye rolling thing is pretty awful. Happens at AA meetings, too; the "no crosstalk rule" means that disapproval is often communicated via body language.

velma929

I have a "tell" when I'm out in public: whenever I'm refraining from talking or eye-rolling, I press my fingertips together. I can admit it to you folks, you'll never see me in a meeting...

lillamy

That's the problem with everything. People. If people would only behave...

And I don't want to say this is what you're doing, but I can tell you that I found every single possible reason (and probably a few impossible ones as well) why Al-Anon wasn't going to work for me when I first started going. My sponsor told me codies are sometimes as resistant to help as alcoholics, and that she had the same reaction at first -- she wanted to go to meetings so she could say she had tried and it wasn't going to work for her.

choublak

People do that though...and it's in a very indirect, passive-aggressive way...it's like, you know they're doing it, but it's indirect enough to where if you were going to call them out on it, you wouldn't have "proof"...it's like a weird undertone or something...it happens sometimes when people hang out in groups after the meetings. I guess it's part of learning to "navigate" through the Al-Anon "community" if you will. There are really sick people, and there are healthier people, and I have the freedom to choose who I want to get to know better and who I want to avoid. It's the same in AA, I'm sure.

kudzujean

Well said, Choublak.

"There are really sick people, and there are healthier people, and I have the freedom to choose who I want to get to know better and who I want to avoid. "

Ideally when people say/do things that are inappropriate in meetings, others gently but firmly get things back on track.

BrokenHeartWife

I do wish that during the "share time" that some kind of timer (small hour glass) was used. We have a couple of people that go "way over" their share of time (and they're REALLY not saying anything (just repeating themselves). It's annoying because we have a large group and when we go around the circle, when we get towards the end, we have to tell the last few people to "be very quick"...which isn't fair.

kudzujean

I've heard some groups do that--it might be something to bring up at a group conscience meeting.

redatlanta

There is a woman I have seen a couple of times at a meeting that repeats the exact same story over and over again. I think she has ADD because of the times I have heard it she never gets to the end of the story - she almost gets there then starts back at the beginning. I see the eye rolls - she seems oblivious. I initially found this frustrating but now I just tune her out. I think its rude - the eyerolls and yawns, but its not my place to decide what someone talks about.

That's how it goes. My options are to put up with it or find another meeting and this one is convenient. Thankfully a member told me my first meeting that unless I had an hour, or two or three to spend talking to her to be careful about getting cornered afterward.

Tuffgirl

The world is full of sick people, and more often than not, they can be found en masse in support groups.

Just sayin'.

DefofLov

All meetings and members are not created equal.

Also, unhealthy meetings usually die. If the traditions and concepts are not worked properly, Al-Anon meetings tend to fall apart.

It only works if it is worked. This means each individual working his or her program, this means group conscious working through the 12 traditions and 12 concepts.

Love,

Lily

SoaringSpirits

The meeting I attend had this system. Emphasis on "had." I loved it. Someone at each meeting had a stop watch and a card with a yellow heart on one side, a red heart on the other. They timed the shares. At 2 minutes they casually flipped the yellow heart, at 3 minutes the red. It worked well and there were tons of shares.

Then they did away with this in favor of letting people self-limit shares. Well, it's the same folks who rattle ON and ON and ON every single week. Or the "drive by" folks who only show up to Al Anon when they are in some sort of crisis, and talk for 10 minutes straight.

Sometimes I look around at the newcomers and they have this look of bewilderment on their face.

I liked the sharing time limit, it forced people to be concise and considerate of the 40 other people in the room, and it allowed for a wider variety of people to talk and share, not just the ones who use Al Anon as talk therapy.

fourmaggie

who the HECK are your chairperson(s)???!! the chairperson for that nite should have total control of that room...thats where it starts...all of this should be brought up at your home group MEETINGS....and these issues should be talked about

NoelleR

There's a saying in and around AA/NA, which I presume most in Alanon/Naranon have heard............:

"...What you hear here; who you see here; when you leave here, let it stay here..."

The problem can arise with the definition of the word 'here.' Does it mean the specific group, the physical place, or AA/NA/Alanon/Naranon as wholes.....?

I, and most of my recovered friends, belong to the last group, in that as long as the person to whom I am repeating something heard in a meeting is also a member of recovery (is a part of 'here), well then it's ok; it's just not appropriate to speak out of school to person not in recovery (not a part of 'here').

(o:
NoelleR

kudzujean

Good point. sometimes it's necessary for the chair to bring things back on track. If s/he won't, others can say something in a polite but firm manner.

soexhausted

I go to many different meetings.
There are some meetings that I do not particularly like.
There are some people at the meetings that I do not particularly like.
But as they say in the meetings "You may not like all of us, but you will learn to love us in a very special way. In the same way that we love you."
Al Anon is not about any one person. Or any one meeting.
It is about the program.
What I have received from Al Anon has been invaluable.
So when I go to a meeting and there happens to be someone who is playing with the lights, or playing with the air conditioner or telling the same monotonous story instead of letting it interfere with my serenity I try to just "let it go" and remember why I am there.

inpieces314

I have been to a couple of meetings where people have acted immaturely.
But the way I see it is, I need to go to get the support, whether they act like idiots or not.
The great majority of people don't act like that, so I am alright.

But if I do feel like I am going to be judged, I don't share, but I do try to find another meeting somewhere if I feel a pressing need to share something.

DoubleBarrel

I have done the eye rolling thing. In particular with a guy who just would come in every day, and talk about nothing in particular, for about 15 minutes, in a meeting with about 40 people, and no one spoke to him about it for a couple weeks.
It got really hard to take time out of the day to focus on sobriety, and hear this guy yammering on about his favorite bread at the bakery or whatever.