Babslove

You get out a little something from everything. In meetings if there is a behaviour I don't like I Uss it as a learning tool to not do it myself. None of us is perfect and I remind myself of this daily.

DoubleBarrel

No you really don't.

I do subscribe to the buddhist idea that some people are there to teach us patience.
While it is a great attitude to make lemons from lemonade, i have concluded sometimes garbage is just garbage. Sorry.

inpieces314

In tough times, I have found that one thing works all the time:

God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change...

Really, it works. Try it at a meeting when someone makes you mad. I'm up to like, 10 meetings a week now, so I use it often, at times.

wellnowwhat

"I, and most of my recovered friends, belong to the last group, in that as long as the person to whom I am repeating something heard in a meeting is also a member of recovery (is a part of 'here), well then it's ok; it's just not appropriate to speak out of school to person not in recovery (not a part of 'here')."

I could not belong to a group that feels OK repeating what they heard at an Alanon meeting.

Are newcomers or visiting members aware of your interpretation of anonymity?

I don't even think you should be sharing who you saw there, whether you are talking to another member or not.

inpieces314

I have a friend at work who went to a couple of meetings once, and she has expressed interest at going again. I told her simply what time I go and where it is, and that is it. If she wants to know what is said, then she has to go. If we discuss privately what was said at the meeting on our own time, that is okay because we were both there.

I have another friend in AA (I also go to AA meetings because while I am not an alcoholic, I do have an anger problem and I have an issue medicating that anger with alcohol, which makes everything worse) who goes to some meetings I go to. We do talk about what was said on our own time.

Since the ABF got out of rehab, I have been taking him to meetings. Last night, he went to the 8:00 AA meeting and I went to the 8:00 Al-Anon meeting. That is the first meeting we have not discussed (other than, "did you share? Oh, me too.") because we were not at the same meeting.

While confidentiality in AA/Al-Anon may not stand up in court, I take it as a respect thing. People are sharing their deepest darkest secrets, and it is a measure of respect to make sure that you don't spread the s--- you hear in a meeting, so people have a safe place to share those secrets.

choublak

Oh, these meetings I went to used an egg timer. Everyone got equal time. People were rolling their eyes - and even sighing loudly - anyway. I didn't share at this meeting, btw.

bamboo10

I had a terrible first al-anon experience. I went to a few meetings, there was one women I didnt particulary like. (she was very opinionated) Anyway, she cornered me after a meeting and starting asking my questions that I found very innapropriate. She told me both of my brothers were going to end up as alcoholics because when she asked if they drank I said no more than any other college student. She then told me that I needed to leave right now and I need to get both my brothers treatment. I spoke about my ABF in al-anon, not my family, why would she even bring them up. Anyway, I left that meeting more upset than I have ever been in my A relationship. It took me a long time to go back to a meeting, and I will never return to that particular meeting.

sandladyvb

One of the groups I attend asks members to limit their sharing to three minutes.This is announced after the Welcome is read as a group conscience decision to give everyone a chance to share. Of course, a lot depends on the size of the group. That announcement was the outcome of a group conscience (business) meeting. So, I think that is the best place for the matter to be discussed rather than trying to implement a new idea on your own that the group did not agree upon or know was going to happen in advance.

My experience has been that a lot of times, members who go on and on are just dumping their problems on the group trying to get it off of their chests or just looking for a quick fix. Sometimes, the member doesn't attend meetings regularly or doesn't have a Sponsor. A lot of times, it happens because the Chairperson's has opened the meeting with "Does anyone have a problem" or "we can talk about anything you want" instead of announcing and staying on on the topic.

The Chairperson also needs to take responsibility for interjecting that there are others at the meeting who need to share. When a member or newcomer is going "on and on," the Chairperson can tell the member to stay after the meeting to speak privately with members and to take some phone numbers of other members to call or share the issue with their Sponsor.

To me, the idea of a timer is something therapy groups facilitated by professionals would do. My experience has also been that there are other 12 Step groups such as OA or CODA. But I have never been to an Al-Anon meeting that did this and I am a long, long, time member.

I hope this helps you. And I hope you don't take the group's rejection or eye rolling at your idea of the timer personally or let this discourage you from attending Al-Anon. Your intentions were good. Sometimes, it is just a fluke that happens at one meeting. But if it is a common occurrence at this particular group's meetings, or the group doesn't wish to change this practice, I think I would start visiting some other groups and see if I like the way they run their meetings better.

PaperDolls

I called a guy out in an AA business meeting once ..... the chair was going over something that we had already gone over but she kept on so people were sighing loudly and being noisy. Acting like 10 year olds in my opinion.

This guy starts saying loudly but under his breath "This is f-n BS. Screw this sh!t." I said, "Hey, did you want to add something to the discussion." He just looked at me and said "What?" I said, "Well you're talking under your breath loud enough for most of us to hear you so just spit it out."

I don't think he likes me any more.

Not my proudest moment but I don't regret it either.

StarCat

If someone mentions something I find helpful, I will share the information with the prelude, "Someone shared this one..." and no names attached. I don't share people's personal stories, of course, simply little comments that have been made that caused me to see things differently in a helpful way, lesser-known slogans that don't pop up often in my area, etc.

For example, someone last week at a Tradition 11 meeting shared on anonymity and how keeping our anonymity about being members of AlAnon outside of the AlAnon group also helps protect the anonymity of the alcoholic/alcoholic-in-recovery. I never thought of that before. I see no reason not to share that if it fits into the current conversation. That said, it doesn't mean I'll share the name of the person who said it, or what meeting it was in, or anything else to point to who said it, as that's not really necessary.

But at another meeting someone was commenting about the reason why one of our regulars was no longer attending our particular meeting. I thought that was too personal information to be sharing unless this person had specifically requested it be shared (and I doubt that, considering the reason), and so I excused myself from the conversation.

I feel that sharing helpful program-related information is appropriate, but sharing specifics is inappropriate unless the person to be named in the specifics has stated it's okay. (For example, I once "bribed" a friend-in-need-of-a-meeting to attend the one I was at by telling her the speaker, someone she loves listening to share, but only with the speaker's permission to share that information.)

Carol Star

The better groups do a yearly inventory where the suggestions are discussed. If you don't like one meeting you can "vote with your feet" and move on to another. I do have problems with some personalities but try to remember we are messed up from the effects of alcoholics- and some are sicker than others. Some are real messed up from having alcoholic parents. The group leader should ask at the beginning to limit shares to 3 minutes , no crosstalk, turn off cell phones etc......Alanon saved me. I get something from every one.