My Question of the Day!!!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
My Question of the Day!!!
For many of us, we say "all we want is our addicted loved ones to be clean."
(children and parents excluded)
But what if they got clean and needed to start a new, different life that didn't include us. Would we accept that? Or do we really want them to be clean for themselves or just clean for US??
Most of us know that in order for an addict to want to get clean, they have to reach THEIR bottom. Yet time and time again - we try and fix, control, we rescue, we enable....we make the addiction stronger and my powerful. No, we don't cause it, but we can contribute it to it, IMO.
So my question is...is our love for our addict - really an unconditional love or a selfish love???
(children and parents excluded)
But what if they got clean and needed to start a new, different life that didn't include us. Would we accept that? Or do we really want them to be clean for themselves or just clean for US??
Most of us know that in order for an addict to want to get clean, they have to reach THEIR bottom. Yet time and time again - we try and fix, control, we rescue, we enable....we make the addiction stronger and my powerful. No, we don't cause it, but we can contribute it to it, IMO.
So my question is...is our love for our addict - really an unconditional love or a selfish love???
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 93
I am still sure that I want my ex to be happy. If anything, now I know that it can never be with me. I couldn't have him back in my life because the trust is gone. BUT I always love him and hope that he one day finds recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
I think this is a really good question. Because so often recovery requires that the romantic relationship end, I think wishing for a return to sobriety, or a return to "how it was" is really wishing for the impossible, or wishing for something that was never real to begin with. It's tremendously sad, but I don't think it's necessarily selfish.
I could see how it could quickly turn selfish, though, and probably does more often than not - once a natural codependent response kicks in and we start trying to manage recovery as if we play the most important role in it.
I hope nobody is offended by my response, I can see how this topic could make people feel very defensive. I mean no offense at all. I'm obviously not romantically involved with my sister but for a long time I played the role of being "the only one in the family you can trust" by keeping her secrets and enabling her position, and I did it because I thought that if I maintained that status then I could control the outcome of her situation. That if I could keep her involving me in her dysfunction then I could keep her from getting eaten alive out there in the real world. Boy was I wrong.
I could see how it could quickly turn selfish, though, and probably does more often than not - once a natural codependent response kicks in and we start trying to manage recovery as if we play the most important role in it.
I hope nobody is offended by my response, I can see how this topic could make people feel very defensive. I mean no offense at all. I'm obviously not romantically involved with my sister but for a long time I played the role of being "the only one in the family you can trust" by keeping her secrets and enabling her position, and I did it because I thought that if I maintained that status then I could control the outcome of her situation. That if I could keep her involving me in her dysfunction then I could keep her from getting eaten alive out there in the real world. Boy was I wrong.
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