Tarot

I hit rock bottom last weekend. He'd come home obviously wasted. Two days after he swore the next tome he would leave me rather than put me through any more. Five days after the last binge. They're getting more frequent now and lasting longer, it won't be long before he's using full time again. Every God given opportunity he gets to be out of my sight he comes back with pinned eyes. I tell him to leave because that's my boundary crossed...I'm not having my kids see me having that going on in my house. He knows this but has been using it as an excuse to go off on a binge after driving me to the extremes with his lies and denial. He knows my anger dissipates after a few days then swoops back in when I'm weak and uses my love for him to get back where he swears he wants to be and promises he has learned his lessons and will sort it out this time, go to rehab and meetings, read the books etc etc. But things are getting worse not better. With rehab on the way I think he thinks he will make the most of it and use as often as he can before he has to go there but i just know its a cop out and another lame excuse. I have no doubt he will relapse within the first week or two if he makes it through at all. Now lasting i find he is in court tomorrow and i wonder if he hasn't been pursuing rehab as a get out of jail free card. I didn't even know he had been arrested months ago when out on a bender and although he says its nothing, he's already on a suspended sentence. If i am honest i hope he goes to jail. Gets some clean time and then go to rehab. But he always seems to get away with everything and no doubt he will be back celebrating with a big fat pin in his groin. All i wish for is the day i don't care anymore. Since going to Al Anon i am getting stronger but i have a long way to go and i pine and worry and can't sleep and get upset whether he calls or not. I feel like i am going through withdrawals, like I'm the one clucking and that even a text holds me for a while. I have given up on rehab or on hm ever being able to get clean. I just have to get through my clock!

LoveMeNow

Welcome to SR Tarot. As always, I am sorry for what brings you here.

There is a great amount of wisdom on this site. You are not alone. Please take to read the stickies on the top of the page.

Cynical One has a great blog too. I would recommend reading that as well.

I think many of us are or have been addicted to our addicts. We have become as sick as them. The similarities of addiction and codependency are unbelievable to me.

tallgirl77

When you finally get to that point where you have truly just had enough of his BS, and everything else that comes with dealing with an addict, it will be alot easier for you. (((hugs)))

I had to cut all contact for about three months to get myself together. It may take some time, but you will get through this. As i was told when I first joined this site, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it. As you know it's truly up to him on getting and staying clean.

You need to get yourself straight for the sake of your own sanity and your children. It's not easy, but YOU CAN DO IT!!!

(((hugs)))

eveleivibe

Hugs xxx
Keep posting you'll receive lots of support n advice xx.

Tarot

Thankyou LoveMeNot it just makes me so angry that they go off and dumb their emotions and we feel all the pain. Im not saying that i would like to do that but it hurts that he doesn't hurt. He says he does but that doesn't fit with what i understand with heroin and it certainly doesn't make him think twice the next time he gets or makes a chance to do it again. I have been reading stuff on co-dependancy and am going to get some counselling. I'm trying to go no contact but only in the hope that he will hit rock bottom himself but with no emotions i don't think he ever will. I was crazy to think he would sort himself out in the first place i guess with a 17 year habit but i thought subutex and a loving friend and a roof over his head he would at least make an effort but a year later and he's looking at being back in jail. He sees this as an occupational hazard i guess, 3 meals a day and a bed to sleep in instead of sofa surfing. Yet i was working harder on his recovery than he was and i think now he just wanted to control his habit rather than cure it. I can't believe i have fell for another addict!! After 7 years with my ex the last three of which i spent battling unsuccessfully with heroin i foolishly thought subutex would be the magic cure and fell for another addict!! Talk about not learning my lessons hey! Well still no word from him so he's either been locked up or he is making me sweat! I am worried he will be that lovely guy he becomes when he gets straight in jail and i will spend however long writing and hoping he will change now for him to get straight back on it as soon as he is out again. Maybe though i should ignore his letters and let him sweat. I just don't know what to do for the best! I want him to feel some of the pain. I don't think he has a rock bottom though that's the thing... he has had a dreadful life all due to his addiction yet he doesn't sort it out...i don't think he is strong enough to.

LoveMeNow

You need to take care of you and stop worry about him. For some reason, you are repeating the mistakes. It's time you find out why and stop the dysfunction in YOUR life. Counseling is a great start.

Going no contact is a great start. But you have to do it for you, not to cause him pain. You do it to stop the insanity and to work on getting emotionally healthy.

What can you do today that brings you some happiness? Just you!!

Your right, maybe he isn't strong enough to stop.....but YOU are!!

interrupted

Your picker is broken. The great news about that is that, unlike the men you are selecting, you can do something to fix it. It's hard work, but through hard work, therapy, and constant reprogramming of your current auto-responses you'll eventually find health, happiness, and love that far exceed that which you're currently capable of. And that's what we're all really working towards. Welcome to the forum, there's so much support here, it really is a lifeline for me.

Tarot

Do you know what i hate myself for all the pain i have allowed men over the years to cause me. All i have ever wanted was a happy loving trusting relationship. I am41 now and still going through this nightmare. The times i was happiest was when i didn't have some boyfriend or other in my heart life and mind. Yet i keep looking for Mr Right. I have been out with all sortsyet they were all nightmares for many various reasons. I just can't be trusted to pick a good man. And to think i had found other in a good"I promise i will quit for you" addict...how stupid can i be??? The saddest thing was hearing myself say "Well at least he doesn't hit me or cheat on me"...my friends dispair.of me because they love me and are sick of seeing me like this. I am so depressed by all the years of it. And most of them seemed fine to start with!! I am happier on my own than this constant up and down he'll but then i think i have had enough of being on my own and missing out on finding love and go and find myself in another nightmare of one form or another. I have to sort this out now...get through this nightmare and make myself happy again. Thankfully i have found the strength before and am slowly now but i guess i have a high pain threshold and I am not quite 100% there yet...i am still hoping something that i say or do will get through to him. Its stupid i know and I am only setting myself up for another fall. I think i hit rock bottom the other day though and am slowly picking myself up. But yes you are right i need to stop worrying about him and think of my own mental health! If only i could put as much effort into me as i did him!!!

Tarot

Lol Interupted ....my pick is broken!! Soooo true!!! Thankyou i will work on fixing that!

interrupted

Bingo! We have a winner! Show her what she's won!!

I kid.

Seriously, though, most of us here are in the exact same boat. If we had spent as much time focusing on our own health and well-being as we did/do on the addicts in our life we would be an army of superheroes!

I think that exchanging that time spent on him for time spent on yourself is a really good goal.

dollydo

It is all up to you, what exactly do you want out of life? More heartache and pain, or a life of peace and happiness, it is your choice.

Perhaps therapy is in order, you seem to gravitate to losers, there is a reason. If you do not get help,you will just repeat your bad choices yet again.

Time to get your ducks in a row and do the right things...for you.

LoveMeNow

Healthy attracts Healthy
Sick attracts Sick

Until you do some hard work on yourself - learn boundaries, learn about your codependency, heal your past, etc.... You will keep picking the same kind of man. It's your "norm" so to speak. And an addict can pick out a codependent person in a crowded room. Their "picker" is never broken.

I am willing to take a guess about your childhood?? I am sure there was some dysfunction there!! Not blaming or shaming, dysfunction is part of most families, if not all to some degree.

Tarot

I have read the books on Codependancy and i am 50% codependant i would say but that is too much! I put up with far far too much but i do find the strength yo stick up for myself and would never put up with what i used to but i am still not quite there. I realise now though that this is something that i need to address and i intend to. I am at a really low point right now but thing have been a lot worse! I am dragging the strength from somewhere to give up on this relationship although it tears me apart and is such a shame but i'm not going yo go through 7 years of hell like i did with my ex.ex. What didn't kill me made me stronger i guess and i have him to thank for not allowing this one to keep playing me like this. I have given him nearly a year to show me that he is really putting some effort here but his excuse is that he is not as bad as he was before he met me. To be fair he couldn't have gotten any worse though!!

Tarot

Ps Lovemenot my childhood was bad but i think it was my ex ex that did the real damage and having 4 kids with him made it extra hard to leave. I became very depressed and he was a good dad though not good to me. Then he got into heroin and after 3 years of battling with that on top of him dragging anyone else he could i had had enough and kicked him out. After a few months i realised how easier things became when he wasn't around and swore i would never go through that again. Although this feels like hell at the moment i know i will get through this too and look back and wonder what the hell moment i was doing here. But its hard to give up on him because if only it wasn't for the heroin....but it is about that. Its like all we ever talk about, argue about etc. The rest of him is lovely but most of him revolves around gear and all that comes with it.