Yogagurl

If you have ever loved an addict, especially if you have lived with one, then you will be able to identify with what I am posting here. There is so much hurt and anxiety that comes from being in a co-dependent relationship. You wake up and you are worried that he/she is going to use that day. You look through their phone to pick up on the numbers and the patterns that accompany their addiction. You hide your wallet, your credit cards, check books, and everything that you own of value just to give you piece of mind. While all this is happening, never EVER would you think of leaving. This person needs you, this person is alone, is struggling, it’s not his/her fault that he/she acts like this. He/she has written off all of their friends because of the addiction and you are ALL that he/she has left. You just CAN’T walk away and “abandon” that person when they need you the most, RIGHT???

Then, one day, after many battles, arguments, chases, counseling, anti-depressants, and lectures, you wake up and you stop talking about the addiction all together. You stop telling the addict that you know they are lying and there is this unspoken understanding. “I know what you are doing and I know where you are going,” you think to yourself, as they walk out the door. “And I’m not going to try to stop you anymore.” You learn to do things on your own because the feeling of solitude has become so familiar. You go on about your day, knowing that tomorrow will be the same and this is reality as you know it for the addict, and will be until THE ADDICT choses to change that. So, you stop pestering, crying, begging, calling, and you learn to let go. And you have peace. You are finally in control of yourself again. I never thought that it would happen to me, but it finally has. If you believe that you will never again have peace, you just haven’t hit your OWN emotional and physical bottom. Know that it exists for everyone, whether the threshold is narrow or wide.

Xtapodi

how do you let go, and still remain in the relationship?

i feel that 'letting go' also creates a side-effect of not caring as much.. maybe even not loving as much.

to me it seems that when you let go, you are looking for ways to end the relationship.

at least, that is what i am going through. we were not a married couple. she was/is my girfriend of 2 years. i have a choice to continue on with our relationship or breaking it off.

the more i 'let go' it seems, the more i feel like not salvaging the relationship.

so i guess my question is: how do people in committed relationships 'let go' and still remain in a loving relationship with the addict?

FindingJoy

Good question, I am not personally able to let go and still be in the relationship. Detaching with love and keeping a distance is the only thing that has seemed to work for me. I only want to be with a partner who is safe and secure to love where I don't have to hold back.

thislonelygirl

Same boat here! I've left before out of a do this or I'm done attitude and anger but now this time (just left again) I wasn't angry and no ultimatums per say and no lectures/talks. All I said was I cannot continue to live under tge same roof with him if he is using.
That was a hugeeee step fir me learning to just relax!! To calm down and enjoy myself and I have enjoyed myself at my families while just letting him take care of him. I was always and had I nite left probably still would have chased after him worrying and letting his addiction consume me but now and today Im breathing.

thislonelygirl

Its hard to go but you do it because you love your partner so much that you do the hardest thing to help them. If you two truly love one another than space cannot destroy that love. It doesn't have to be long enough for them to get help. The reward of having your partner sober is worth the pain of having them away from you and you may just find some relief in the time aoart as well. To do what you want/like to do and to be around people other than the chaosf an active alcoholic